Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does, though I wish I did.
Scene One: [The lights come on and Voldemort is standing in the middle of the stage waving. Signs flash saying "Applause or die." Fans are chained to seats and nervously clap.
Voldemort: What a great audience, let's just say I dragged them in here!
[Voldemort laughs insanely while a little monkey chained to a drum set plays the little joke beat]
Voldemort: Oh I crack me up.
Audience Member: Please do!
[Voldemort sends a bolt of lightning to the audience member who disappears instantly.]
Voldemort: Well today on my show, I will be showing clips of Harry Potter that they didn't show. How me, the great Voldemort is showing you this, I do not know, just go with it, or die a horrible death.
Scene 2: [Everyone has just settled down in the great hall and began eating. Nearly Headless Nick comes by talking to the children, when of course Hermione interrupts. "NEEEEAAAARRRRLLYYY HHHEEEAAAADDLLEESSS! HOW CAN YOU BE NEEEEEEAAARRRLLYYY HEEAADDLEESS?! Hermione sends and earsplitting shriek that shakes the whole building. Nearly Headless Nick hides under a table, the sorting hat eats itself, Draco is shocked so much his jaw and eyes fall out, Snape can't stand the loudness of the shriek and dives his head right into his mashed potatoes, kids jump out of windows, and the castle is in frenzy. Two hours later. Ministry of Magic is there, news reporters, and there is a death.]
Reporter Lady: (interviewing Draco) A tragedy has happened today, the loved and adored Severus Snape has died. How you ask? Drowned in mashed potatoes. Tell me Draco, what happened today?
[Draco's eyes are slightly popping out and his jaw is taped to his head, so when he talks it falls a bit.]
Draco: Well I'm sitting down thinking how to brutally kill Potter when I hear Granger scream and it shocks the hell out of me, [Reporter Lady stares at his jaw not listening to a word he is saying] and my jaw and eyes fall out, and when I finally get my eyes back in, I look over, and my foot is in Goyle's mouth!
Report Lady: That's great, tell me were you close to Professor Snape?
Draco: He was like an old and really creepy brother to me. Excuse me, I have to fix my jaw and hit things, hitting things might help this situation.
[Reporter Lady gets a whiskey bottle from her purse, takes a swig, and runs out of there.]
Scene 3: Back with Voldemort
Voldemort: [Voldemort backstage in his dressing room wearing a pink jacket and singing in the mirror ] I think I'll take a walk outside now the sun shines calling my name I hear you now I just can't wait inside all day na na na na na na na na! [Voldemort gets really into the song and start jumping up] Everybody is smiling sunshine Day! [Looks over to see the cameras watching him.] I thought I told you never come in here!! [Camera falls over]
Technical Difficulties sign flashes and cheesy music plays.
Scene 4: Voldemort: [He runs back on stage] Alright, I'm back I just had to get a new camera man! Anyways, this next clip shows if Harry actually has a special interest to someone.
[Voldemort is standing in the middle of a room wearing a purple dress and a black wig.] I'm a pretty lady, I'm a very pretty lady. [Tape ends immediately]
Voldemort: How did that get in here, I mean what in the world! Play the right clip damn't!
Harry: [Harry at the zoo looking at the snake.] Can you hear me? [Snake nods yes] Do you find me attractive? [Snakes nods] Want me to come in there with you? [Snakes nods yet again. Harry makes the glass disappear and climbs in with the snakes. Music plays in the backround.
Music: I've been feeling fine baby, trying to hold back this feeling for so long….
Dudley: [Dudley sees what is happening and is immediately interested.] Mom, Dad, come look what Harry is doing! [They all pull up a chair and began eating popcorn. Half an hour passes when everyone is on the edge of their seats staring when finally from harry you hear…]
Harry: Checkmate! [Harry and Snake are sitting down playing chess and Snake hangs his down, sad that he lost.]
Scene 6: [Back with Voldemort. Wiping sweat off his forehead.]
Voldemort: Some scene, the suspense I tell you. Well that it's for today…..[Looks over at camera who is yelling one more clip] It seems we have another clip, let's get this over with so I can go home, my show One Life to Live is on!
Scene 7: [Voldemort standing in a room this time wearing a red dress and putting on lipstick.] I'm a pretty lady, I'm a very pretty lady.
Voldemort: [Shocked, beyond shocked] When did I do that?! Nevermind that, play the right clip or I'll hit something! Don't think I won't.
Scene 8: Hermione: [Hermione standing in front of dormitory room] I'm going to bed because I'm tired. [passes out while knocking the camera guy over making the camera fall to the ground, right next to Hermione's face. Hermione drooling slightly on the floor.
Ron: She needs to get her sleep.
Scene 9: Voldemort, again.
Voldemort: That's all we have for today, come back next time where we show Chamber of Secrets clips! Thank you and read my magazine "I don't hate you, I just want to kill you."
[Credits role and shows in big letters that Voldemort saying he was a pretty lady is not true and was not apart of the bloopers, no monkeys were hurt during this shooting.]