Disclaimer: I own it! I own everything! Muha! Come and sue me!
"Voldemort Live Live!"
Scene One: [The Studio is dark and there is complete silence. A spot light centers in the middle of the stage and Voldemort is there sitting on a stool with a microphone. He's wearing an I Love NY t-shirt, with blue jeans, sandals, and a pink studded belt that says 'bad.']
Voldemort: I thought today I'd start the show off by singing a little song.
[Voldemort looks very sullen and points to the piano player to start.]
Voldemort: Do the hustle! [Jumps up and down and does the hustle.] Doot doot.
[Music stops playing and a stage manager comes out.]
Stage Manager: Okay, yeah, it goes, do do do du do de do do. [Hands Voldemort the script.]
Voldemort: Oh, you know I love this song, I practiced all day….I mean, I looked it over you know, I could have sworn I could at least hum the hustle.
Stage Manager: Yeah, well it happens to the best of us.
Voldemort: So, [starts picking lint off the stage managers shoulder.] what are you doing after the show? [Winks]
Stage Manager: I have to go home and do stage manager things you know, um, bye. [Runs off]
Voldemort: He'll be back; anyways I have some exciting things for you today! [Voldemort realizes he is still in the spotlight.] Turn on all the lights!
[The lights come and the only person in the audience is Wormtail.]
Voldemort: What are you doing here? I told you I never wanted to see you again!
Wormtail: But I can change Voldemort; just give me a second chance.
Voldemort: Never! After I saw you and that monkey…I don't want to talk about.
Wormtail: I brought cookies.
Voldemort: Leave the cookies and get the hell out of my sight.
[Wormtail hangs his head which makes the sound of a squeaky hinge and leaves the building.]
Voldemort: We need an audience! Get an audience in here!
[30 seconds pass by and the studio fills up with people.]
Voldemort: That was fast, where did you get all these people.
Stage Manager: Your closet in your dressing room.
Voldemort: Here are three sickles. Do me a favor sweetheart and tell no one.
Stage Manager: Wow, with all that money how could I refuse. [Walks away without taking the money.]
Voldemort: He'll be back. Hello audience! Welcome! I have great things in store for you today! Four clips from Chamber of Secrets and guests from Harry Potter!
[Audience is silent.]
Voldemort: This is where you applaud.
Audience: [Violently claps]
Audience member: Take it off!
Voldemort: Oh stop.
[Audience starts clapping wildly.]
[Voldemort lifts up his shirt and it blurs out his chest. Audience stops clapping and is shocked.]
Voldemort: Well, [Fans himself] let's get onto the clips.
Scene Two: [Ron and Harry run into the Ford Angela. The car begins to fly in the air and a man looks in the sky to see a car flying.] Taxi!
Voldemort: [Flirting with himself in the mirror not aware that the camera is on him. A man throws a stick at him and Voldemort looks up.] Oh hello! Welcome back! Wasn't that juicy? Huh?! Alright, now for the next clip, chip chop.
Scene Three: [A howler lands in front of Ron at the Gryffindor. He opens it up and it starts to yell. When it's done he notices everyone is looking at him and tries to eat casually. He gradually starts eating faster as he notices they're still staring. He looks around and starts asking people what they're looking at while still putting food in his mouth. Everyone continues to stare even more. Ron starts waving his arms around yelling what is everyone staring at while food drops out of his mouth and he runs out of the hall in a frenzy.]
Voldemort: Ron, I think all that red hair went to your head….went to your head! [Laughs] Get it? It's on his head? [Everyone is quiet.] Oh forget, just role the clip.
Scene Four: [The Wealsey kids and Harry are sneaking into the Weasley house after just rescuing Harry.]
Mrs. Weasley: Where have you been?! No note! Beds empty! I hate you!
[Kids all look hurt at their mother.]
Voldemort: Hahahahaha! Did you see the look on that stupid little boy's face? It was priceless, they're mother hates them, how sweet.
Scene Five: [Harry and Ron are being circled by big hungry spiders, but before they're eaten a car crashes through rescuing them. From behind the trees there is a noise and the muggle from earlier looks over to the car.] Taxi!
Voldemort: [On the phone.] Anyways, I told Mark if he wants to be with me he'll have to make some sacrifices. I will not do all his little roleplaying games anymore! I will refuse to sleep with him too.
Stage Manager: Someone tell him we're back on.
Stage Manager's Assistant: Shh, I want to hear this.
Camera Man: Cell phones don't work in here… [They all look at Voldemort with bizarre looks.]
Voldemort: Oh, I'm back on, bye. [Closes phone.] Now, what all you've been waiting for! Our guests! [Sits on a chair with two other chairs across from him.] Now, let me introduce our first guess. We all know him very well, use to be one of my best friends, Severus Snape!
[Cheesy music comes on as Snape walks down the walkway and sits down on the chair.]
Voldemort: It's so good to have you here today Severus.
Snape: Well, it's good to be here.
Voldemort: Now, Severus, why are you here today?
Snape: I'm here to tell a secret to Harry Potter.
Voldemort: And what is that?
Snape: It's a surprise. Ohh, I'm just tingling in my stockings. [Camera looks down to see he is wearing blue tights under his black coat.]
Voldemort: Hey, those are mine! Oh well, I have more. Let's bring out Harry!
[Harry walks down walkway and sits down next to Snape.]
Harry: So, what is it you have to tell me?
Snape: Harry, love, we've been together for two wonderful years.
Harry: Get to the point.
Snape: I'm your father.
Harry: Oh my God! Oh my God! [Thows up]
Snape: I'm just kidding! [Voldemort…(Voldemort is too long to write, I'll call him V-dog) and Snape laugh hysterically.]
Harry: [Wipes mouth.] That wasn't funny.
Snape: Okay, now to real business. I've been cheating on you.
Harry: What? With who?
Snape: With Lucius!
Harry: I can't believe it.
Snape: Can you forgive me?
Harry: How long has this been going on?
Snape: For a month.
Harry: [shakes his head]
V-Dog: Let's have some comments from the audience.
[V-Dog points at a man with a black beard and red hair.]
V-Dog: Yes, and what's your name?
Audience member: My name? You want my name…um…Nor, my name is nor.
V-dog: You look familiar nor.
Nor: No, I don't.
Harry: Ron, is that you?
Harry: Ron, I know it's you.
Nor: [Shifts eyes and throws a smoke bomb on the ground. The smoke finally clears and Ron is seen exiting the back door.]
V-Dog: Okay…well, so Harry, what's going to happen?
Harry: I never want to see you again Severus.
Snape: Okay, whatever.
V-Dog: Now to commercials.
[Oliver wood is sitting next to a bucket of apples. In the back round there is a cow and a dog.]
Oliver: You know farming is a lot like apple sauce, it gets really watery when you leave it in the fridge uncovered.
The Cow:[Gives a weird look to Oliver.]
Oliver: The apple that you [Points to the cow] is going to eat the apple. [Bites into apple.]
V-Dog: Well, that concludes our show please come back again when we show "Behind the Magic." Thank you and always let the dog eat the victim's body!