Drake and Josh belongs to Nickelodeon and Dan Schneider.
Originally written for wneleh for Yuletide 2014, and crossposted from AO3.
I. The Proposal
Drake and Josh were chilling in their shared apartment, playing Rise of Warcraft 17 on the Y-Box 180. Drake had a recording session later, but they were just killing time until then.
"So, I'm gonna ask Mindy to marry me." Josh waited for Drake's inevitable outburst. He wasn't disappointed.
"Why?" Drake paused the game to stare at Josh, aghast.
"Because I love her." This was conveyed in Josh's best 'Drake-is-a-moron' tone.
"Dude, I thought you would have got over that by now." Drake unpaused the game and slammed on the controller buttons to kill a couple of alien-orc hybrids.
Josh just glared at Drake.
"Pay attention, you're getting mauled by zombie dinosaurs!" Drake slid onto the floor, frantically button-mashing.
Josh fixed his attention back on the game. "Glad to see you have your priorities in order."
"I know, right?"
Josh rolled his eyes.
"Don't you think you're overthinking this?" Megan asked.
"No!" Josh exclaimed. "Drake, get back in your place. Megan, here's the flower petals."
"Do I signal the flash mob before or after Drake starts playing?" Eric asked.
"You give them the signal when Josh pops the question," said Craig. "Idiot."
"Guys, this isn't that difficult. I take Mindy for a romantic stroll and, what a surprise!" Josh made an exaggerated surprised face. "Drake's here, playing a romantic tune! I get down on one knee-" As he said this, he acted it out. "And flower petals rain down on us as I ask Mindy for her hand in marriage. She says yes, and bam! Celebratory flash mob!"
"So you're just assuming I'll say yes?" Mindy asked.
"Mindy! We weren't talking about you!" Josh panicked.
"So you were talking about proposing to your other girlfriend." Mindy smirked knowingly.
"Yeah! Wait, no!" Josh sighed deeply. "Mindy-" he began.
"Of course I'll marry you, you dweeb." Mindy embraced Josh and kissed him
Drake made a violent gagging noise.
II. The Planning
Josh and Mindy sat cuddled on the couch in her apartment. "Obviously Drake's going to be your best man," Mindy said.
Josh nodded. "He is my brother."
"I was thinking Megan should be maid of honor."
Josh groaned and made a face.
Mindy nudged Josh's shoulder. "Hey. She's my family, too, and we get along fine. If you get Drake, I get Megan."
"Fine," Josh conceded. "But I want churros at the reception."
"Oh, we're definitely having churros at the reception."
In October, Drake, Josh, and Mindy all descended on the Parker-Nichols household for Megan's birthday (despite many protests from the boys). Megan herself had come home from college for a weekend, and the whole family (which everyone but Drake agreed now included Mindy) was going to go out to dinner to celebrate.
Mindy was sitting at the dining room table, surfing the web on her laptop while she waited for Josh's parents to finish getting ready. Josh descended the stairs with a pile of magazines in his arms and dumped them on the table. They all had names like Bridal Beauty and Fabulous Weddingsand Wedding Dresses You'll Never Be Able To Afford.
"Look what I found!" Josh sang out.
"Where did you get those?" Mindy pushed some of the magazines that had slid too close to her off the table and onto the floor.
Josh ignored her. "We have a lot of planning to do. Did you know this year's popular colors are coral and indigo?"
"Dude, I'm pretty sure those aren't real colors." Drake entered the room, a half-peeled banana in hand.
"Which just proves you're more of a simpleton than I thought." Mindy gave Drake a withering look.
"Soulless clown," Drake responded.
"What?" Mindy scrunched her face up in confusion.
"Exactly." Drake nodded sagely.
Walter poked his head into the room. "Are you three going to stand around all night? Let's go!"
III. The Bachelor Party
"Come on, dude, it's time for your bachelor party." Drake slung an arm around Josh's shoulders.
"You shouldn't have," Josh said, giddy with anticipation.
They got into Drake's car together. Megan had already hinted that she knew what Drake had planned for Josh's bachelor party: special VIP tickets to see his favorite magician, Chriss Ryder, live at the Granchio.
Considering who he was dealing with (both of them!) Josh really shouldn't have been surprised when Drake pulled up at Club Blaze instead.
"Clubbing," Josh said without enthusiasm. "Exactly what I wanted to do."
"I rented out the whole place," Drake said. "Trust me, this is gonna be awesome."
A band was set up onstage. All of Josh's friends were there, milling around and chatting. And, most conspicuously, a giant cake into the room.
"Hit it!" Drake signaled the band in the corner, who played a jazz riff as colored lights flashed. A blonde girl in a gold bikini and body glitter burst out of the cake.
"Wow, Drake, you really shouldn't have," Josh said dryly.
Drake was already chatting up Cake Girl, who was still standing in the middle of the dessert. "So is that chocolate cake?"
She giggled and stuck her finger in the cake. "Want a taste?" She held out the finger to Drake, who sucked the cake off of it.
Josh heaved a deep sigh, and resigned himself to plotting revenge.
Drake sat in the taco joint, across the table from Laura, who was now dressed in a hoodie and shorts. "So how did you get to be a professional cake-jumper?"
"Well, I'm really good at singing the birthday song," she began.
Drake's phone rang. "Hold on a minute," he said, glancing at the caller ID. "I've got to take this.
"Hey, Josh," Drake said into the phone.
"Where are you?" Over the phone, Drake could faintly hear the party music blaring.
"Laura and I went to grab tacos."
Laura sipped noisily on her soda.
"Laura?" Josh questioned.
"She jumped out of your cake," Drake explained. "Turns out she's a fan of my music."
"Oh, she jumped out of my cake. That explains everything!"
"Come on, just take it easy, man."
"How am I supposed to get home?"
Drake ended the phone call. "Sorry," he said to Laura. "My brother is a little uptight sometimes."
"He needs to be more like you," she said, resting her hand on Drake's forearm.
IV. The Ceremony
"Where's the minister?" Mindy asked.
"Drake went to pick him up," Josh answered. "They'll be here in a few minutes."
"What happened to the flowers?" Megan asked.
"What?" Mindy turned to look at Megan.
"What's wrong with them? Dad helped the florist set them up yesterday," Josh said.
Megan held a bouquet out. "Yeah, they look great." The bouquet was dying and had lost half its petals.
"Oh my god," Mindy said.
That was when Drake entered the hall, followed by a bearded man dressed in brown layers with a cloak over the top of it.
"So, we might have a little problem," Drake said.
"What did you do?" Mindy asked suspiciously.
"Nothing!" Drake protested. "I didn't do anything!"
"Where's the minister?" Josh asked.
"Ex-minister," the bearded man corrected. "Rather, I have chosen to dedicate my life to studying the Force and have become a Minister of the Force."
"A what?" Megan asked.
"A Jedi," the man clarified.
Josh and Mindy traded a look.
"Can you still do the wedding?" Mindy asked.
"Of course," the man said. "As long as you will allow me to perform a Jedi ceremony."
"Heck, yeah, we will!" Josh exclaimed.
The ceremony was about to begin. Josh stood onstage, next to the Jedi minister, whose name was Jedi Gunn, and Drake stood next to him, as best man. As the music began, the son of one of Mindy's cousins walked down the aisle, holding the rings on a pillow. He was followed shortly by his sister, a little girl who skipped as she scattered browning flower petals.
Finally came Mindy, with Megan, her maid of honor, holding her train.
Even with the bridal music ringing through the hall, everyone could hear the rrriiiiipp! when Mindy's skirt ripped off her dress, exposing her lacy underwear for all to see. The music halted, the guests began whispering, and even Megan stood in disbelief, standing on Mindy's train.
"Megan," Josh growled.
"It wasn't me this time!" she protested.
Mindy, however, simply huffed and kept walking, holding her near-dead bouquet in front of her. Megan shrugged and followed Mindy to the altar, and the pianist hurried to start playing again.
"Right," said Jedi Gunn. He pulled a notecard out of his robes. "Do you, Jedi Crenshaw take Jedi Nichols to be your husband, and do you promise before the Jedi Church and these witnesses that you will be a true and devoted partner? In forces of darkness and forces of light, wherever you may go and whatever you may face, do you promise to share your life in marriage with Jedi Nichols?"
V. The Reception
The bride and groom joined the reception after Mindy had a chance to change out of her ruined wedding dress into her going away dress, which was only knee length, but still white.
After everyone was seated and had been served dinner, the DJ announced that it was time for toasts.
"Have you seen Drake?" Josh whispered.
"I thought keeping track of him was your job," Mindy whispered back.
"He was just here," Josh said. "I told him he had to stick around to give a speech. I even wrote a speech for him, just so-"
"Is there a problem?" the DJ interrupted.
"No! No problem!" Josh exclaimed.
Megan, who had been listening from her seat next to Mindy, stood up. "You owe me," she said in an undertone. Then she smiled beatifically at the guests as she took the mic from the DJ. "I've known Mindy since she tried to frame Drake for parking a teacher's car in the classroom." She paused for a moment. "Good times."
Drake pushed Laura up against the wall in the storage closet and kissed her. "I'm glad you could make it," he panted.
"I'm glad, too," she whispered as she unbuttoned his shirt.
Drake and Laura slipped back into the reception hall. "I bet they didn't even miss us," he said. Just then, Josh grabbed his arm.
"Dude, where have you been?" Josh then noticed Laura. "Never mind. You missed your speech. And our first dance!"
"You and Mindy have danced lots of times," Drake said.
"It's symbolic," Josh tried to explain.
"Megan, you need to get over there for the bouquet toss!" Mom said.
Megan shot her a poisonous look, but complied.
She stood, arms crossed, at the front of a gaggle of single women, all of whom hoped to catch the bouquet. Mindy turned her back and threw the bouquet, which didn't go nearly as far as anyone anticipated and landed right at Megan's feet, shedding the last of its petals in the process.
Everyone looked at Megan.
"I'm not picking it up." Megan stepped over the bouquet and walked to the bar. "One virgin pina colada." Then she sat back and watched the wrestling match that had erupted over the bouquet between Mindy's third cousin and Josh's co-worker.
Drake stood on his chair and tapped his glass with a fork. "Hey everyone! I want to make a toast."
A few people quieted down, but most of the guests ignored him.
Drake shot a look at Megan. She stuck two fingers in her mouth and whistled. "HEY! QUIET!"
Now everyone was looking at Drake. "Right, so I'm gonna make a second try at this speech thing, since I didn't get to do it earlier. When I met Josh, I thought he was a total dweeb. He'd never had a girlfriend, he never got in trouble, and he always did his homework. And that's not even talking about how he thought he had to wear a dress to give good advice!"
Mindy, Josh, and his parents were glaring at him. Megan, on the other hand, looked faintly amused.
Drake continued. "But I don't know where I'd be without Josh as my brother. He's my best friend, and I don't know where I'd be without him. And even though I hate Mindy like crazy-"
"Back atcha!" Mindy called, raising her glass.
"-she makes Josh happy. For some reason. So, here's to Josh and Mindy!" Drake raised his glass.