Gilderoy's Blunder

Disclaimer: Not mine, honestly.

Author's Note: This is what happens when you give Dia a fic challenge that includes Gilderoy. It happens to be my first fic to include the dear Gildy in... and hopefully it'll be my last. *coughcough* I mean, I didn't say that. *hides from Nita*

Anyway, here it is. Dedicated to the challengers, Nita and Twix.

* * *

Hermione shivered, drawing her cloak tighter around her shoulders. Ron glanced over at her. "Cold?"

Well, duh. "A bit," she said, biting her cheek to keep from saying more. Honestly, she loved Ron to pieces, but he could be a bit dense at times.

"Here, 'Mione." Gallantly, he unfastened his cloak and placed it around her shoulders. Before they had even taken two more steps, he was shivering violently. Two more steps and his teeth were chattering.

She raised an eyebrow at him, reaching for the neck of the cloak to remove it. "Want it back?"

"What? Oh, n-n-n-no... I'm f-f-fine." He quickly batted her hands away from the cloak before quickly rubbing them up and down his arms in an effort to keep warm.

She looked at him skeptically. "If you say so. Where are we meeting Harry, again?"

"At the T-t-three Broomstick-k-ks."

Honestly. "Well, we're almost there, at least." She quickened her pace, squinting through the snow at the buildings ahead. Ron was too cold to respond.

* * *

"There he is." Hermione pointed a gloved hand towards the back corner of The Three Broomsticks, where Harry was sitting at their favorite booth, waiting for them with three mugs of butterbeer. "Harry!" she called, waving.

He waved back, grinning as Ron tried to brush the now-melting snow from his uniform before it soaked through. But it was a bit too late. He shot Hermione a questioning glance, and she shrugged, shaking her head and gesturing to the two cloaks that she was still wearing.

He finally nodded, understanding dawning on him. Ron had obviously been trying to impress Hermione again. The Weasley boy didn't seem to realize that now that Hermione had agreed to go out with him in their fifth year, that he didn't have to work so hard for her attention.

The two came over and slid into the booth opposite from him. Hermione looked blown out of proportion with her extra cloak, but Harry bit back his smile. "Nice trip?"

"Lovely. Isn't the weather nice?" Ron said, still shivering slightly. Hermione nudged him slightly, but as she took a drink of her butterbeer, Harry could tell that she was smiling.

He reached into his robes and pulled out a box. "Every Flavor Beans, anyone?"

Hermione wrinkled her nose and refused with a shake of her head, but Ron, once again trying to prove how brave and daring he was, doggedly reached in. He pulled out a grayish one and examined it closely, his eyes squinting as he peered at it. "Whadda ya think it is?"

Her nose wrinkled further as she bent over to study the candy. "It looks horrid, Ron, don't eat it."

"Why the bloody hell not, 'Mione?"

"Because... if it tastes disgusting... then I don't want to ki..." she suddenly flushed a deep scarlet and looked away. "Nevermind. Do whatever you want, Ronald Weasley."

Ron rolled his eyes and promptly popped the gray-blue bean into his mouth. A second later, he gagged. His eyes went quite large and he looked like he was about to spew. (And this, mind you, had nothing to do with house elves.)

Harry grimaced and handed him a napkin. "Spit it out if it's that horrible."

He looked about to do so when he caught Hermione's glance. She looked rather triumphant. So, with his hands firmly gripping the tabletop, he gulped and swallowed hard. Both Harry and Hermione grimaced. "What *was* it, Ron?"

After chugging half of his butterbeer, Ron paused and wiped his mouth on the back of his hand. "Dirty sock," he pronounced. Hermione turned green and promptly slid away from him, crossing her arms primly.

Ron looked about to say something to her when the door flew open and none other than the former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher; a certain five-time award winner of the Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile; the man afraid of Cornish Pixies and who had just, in fact, been released from St. Mungo's... Mr. Magical Me himself- Gilderoy Lockhart.

A trio of groans erupted from their booth. Harry tried to sink down out of sight, desperately wishing for his Invisibility Cloak.

"Who let the loony out of the farm?" Ron muttered.

"Whoever did should be sent back with him," Harry answered in a whisper.

Hermione tried to hush them, but they kept on as, smiling as charmingly as usual, he made his way up to the bar, winking at Madame Rosmerta. Being only a woman herself, she fell prey to his... er, charms. "Can I... help you, sir?" She fluffed her hair.

"Why yes, you can, my dear... just slip me your address later tonight and we'll call it even..." She blushed and giggled. "But for now, I'll take the strongest thing you've got in this place." He banged his fist down on the counter for emphasis, wincing slightly directly after he'd done so. Rosmerta didn't notice, as she was too busy filling a mug with a golden liquid. She handed it to him, batting her eyelashes furiously.

He winked roguishly back at her and downed the contents quickly, banging it down for her to refill.

Ron, still watching him, whispered to Harry, "What, does he think he cam actually handle liquor? Look at him, he's already getting woozy!"

And it was true. Gilderoy was starting to waver on his feet, forcing him to lean against the counter for support. "Let'ssss get ssssssome mussssic in here, ssshall we?" he said, starting to slur his words, and he waved his wand. Nothing happened, besides that one of the water jugs in the corner burst open.

Rosmerta, snapped out of her *cough* dreamy reverie, rushed out from behind the counter to spell away the spill. While she was doing so, Gilderoy somehow managed to get music to play, and immediately began to, much to the dismay of the other patrons- the males, at least- sing along.

"L, is for the way you *hiccup* look at me... O... for the only... something... I see... V is very, very, very 'Gildylicious' baby... just like me, you see... oh oh oh!"

The trio in the booth were literally cringing at every word. The boys were covering their ears and Ron was humming loudly. Hermione had grabbed the edge of her second cloak to try to plug her ears, and was debating whether to just pull the whole cloak over her head. Or maybe, if she concentrated hard enough, the floor would just open up and swallow Gilderoy Lockhart. Hey, if floors at Hogwarts could do it, why not here?

She vaguely wondered if they would take away her wand if she used it to permanently silence Gilderoy.

Rosmerta, who was now more annoyed than charmed, marched up to Gilderoy, ready to kick him out. Instead, he grabbed her by the arm and began singing to her in a soft voice that he was attempting to make sound... seductive. It wasn't really working, considering the fact that he was half-drunk.

"Kisssss me, sssweet lil' thang," he drawled, leaning towards her. She blanched and dodged his advances. He chuckled. "Playin' hard t'get, eh?" He stumbled after her, his arms outstretched and award-winning smile working overtime.

He latched onto her near the door, closed his eyes, and began to lean in. Right at that moment, the door opened to let someone in. Rosmerta wrenched herself free of Gilderoy's grip and dodged out the door into the cold.

Lockhart, thinking that she hadn't gone far, reached out and grabbed the first thing he reached and kissed her.

Only, it wasn't a her, per se.

As Harry, Ron, and Hermione realized the blunder, they burst out into laughter, instantly clapping their hands over their mouths to control their sniggering. Harry almost fell out of the booth as he shook with suppressed laughter.

Right at that moment Gilderoy's drinks got to him. He crumpled to the floor unconscious, a dazed smile on his face, leaving his victim standing over him, fuming, with utter shock, horror, and disgust written all over his pale face.

For the rest of his days, Harry knew that he would treasure this moment in his heart. If he ever were sent to Azkaban, this would be the one happy thought that he would never let the Dementors have.

Gilderoy Lockhart had just kissed Severus Snape.

And THAT, my friends, was something that one does not easily forget.