It was three in the morning, I was bummed about some things and I started like 3 fricken Levihan stories because my life is just... Someone please explain to me why Levihan is so important to me right now like I could be outside living. Outiside living.
-Where we began-
This person was the most annoying person here. This person had told me their name, but I'd already forgotten and didn't care enough to ask again. This person followed me around, was constantly asking if I was okay. I'd lost Farlan and Isabel to the titans because of my own arrogance, no matter what anyone said I carried that blame; I was not okay… Not that I would ever tell this talkative person, but this person still followed me with a damn notebook and asked me stupid questions listening and taking notes even if I didn't answer. I'd ignored this person, I'd thrown them out of my room, I'd made blood chilling threats, but this person didn't leave me alone. What did these shitty Survey Corps members want from me now anyway? I said I'd join them and I meant it, was this person acting as their spy or something? Even if they weren't, this person was annoying as hell and... dirty.
Then one night this dirty person showed up at my room after dinner, saying they'd observed that I was a little slower than I'd been before, a little less precise in practice. Of course I'd been, this person kept asking where my strength came from… Isabel and Farlan were a big part of my reason for fighting, losing them was stressful, I could hardly admit that to myself at the time, much less this annoying, glasses wearing stalker, but when this person asked if I was okay for what must have been the millionth time and I finally snapped.
"Why do you keep asking me that shit?" I asked, slamming my hand into the base of my bed, this person had guts, they flinched but didn't move, "You keep asking like you're gonna do something about it? You wanna make me feel better? Don't fuck with me, just get the hell out." I growled, glaring, but this person had hardly even flinched, ugh, there was that stupid clueless smile, I was getting tired of seeing it every time I turned around.
"Oh come on, it's obvious to me that you're stressed, and you're the best soldier we have! We can't afford to lose you, I just want to help," this person's eyes lit up, I could only scoff. Was I a weapon to be polished now just because I was a little rusty at practice? I just needed to get my mind together was all. "There has to be something I can do to help!" this Four eyes blabbed on, "A back massage? A bed time story?"
"You wanna help me relax?" I glowered, "Fine. Strip." I'd really said it thinking it would be the end of the conversation, this person would go away feeling embarrassed or some shit, I picked the wrong person to try and embarrass. With a shrug this person started undoing their belt.
"What are you doing?" I asked, a bit shocked myself. That wasn't the reaction I was expecting.
"You wanted to sleep together right? I don't mind." Shit, this person was for real.
"You do this often?" I don't know why I asked, I didn't care, this just didn't strike me as the kind of person who could have.
"Nah, I've never slept with anyone before. I've read quite a bit on it though just to find out what the big fuss was, so I'm sure it'll be fine. You'll get to relax and I'll finally find out what the big deal about a function that was meant for reproduction is. That's two birds with one stone!" a laugh filled the room, it obviously wasn't my own. The belt was totally undone now, this person was starting on the zipper.
"Stop.", I was right, this person really was annoying, but I'd learned something new; this person was an idiot.
"What? But I thought you wanted to-"
"Get out." I sighed looking down at my hands.
"Get out!" I yelled standing up now, I grabbed and pushed the unwanted source of noise out of the room, locking the door behind me. After a moment, I heard a voice going down the hall muttering something about me being fickle. This person was definitely annoying and definitely an idiot, but at least someone here was direct… and seemingly sincere. Hmm… sincere is something I could trust to some extent.
Years passed, that Four eyes stopped stalking me when we both began working as equals as we moved up the ranks. I learned more about Four Eyes from just working. I learned this person was named Hanji, and Hanji was reckless, stupid, passionate, patient, smart, witty, and an ugly crier. I'd learned Hanji was an ugly crier after the first titan we'd captured died from an experiment and Hanji'd openly cried in the courtyard. I'd gone to Four Eyes later that day once things calmed down and I'd offhandedly said not to stress out, Hanji turned to face me with this serious look I'd never seen on that usually doofy smiling face, before I was asked to come in and close the door. I learned 2 more things about Hanji then; Hanji was a woman, and she was damn good in bed.
Things just kind of went on like that for the next few years, faces around us changed, but even bloody and bandaged, she always ended up next to me. Whether she was sitting and blabbering on for hours, or next to me in bed, she became a constant that I had never expected, and now all of these years later we were here.
It was three in the morning, she was snoring lightly in her sleep, her heavy ass head was resting on my chest and something she'd asked me earlier in the night was buzzing in my head. She'd asked if I liked her. I told her I liked her enough. She asked if I liked her though. I told her I didn't know, she laughed and said told me to be careful not to fall for her. I assured her I would not. I didn't have to tell her to do the same, I knew she wouldn't. She laughed lightheartedly still tossing her head back in the pillows and said I'd tired her out. She settled down and mumbled something about four rounds being too much, then she fell asleep in seconds in my arms, her breath tickled my chest. I was used to it.
We had rules when this first started; No kissing, no cuddling, no falling in love and above all no one must know. We broke one, we regularly woke up early in the morning wrapped around each other. She was warm, it was comfortable. But shit, we'd really gone on with this too long, I had no idea back when this first started that we'd live long enough for it to become routine, now it was fucking with my head.
Lately I would wonder if she was okay when she on missions without me and I couldn't cover her reckless ass, when she'd come back from missions without even thinking, I'd wander over to her room even if I had nothing to say, and I'd leave when I saw she was fine, when I saw she wasn't eating, bathing or sleeping I'd get frustrated. I kept trying to be nonchalant and just told her not to be reckless, but being nonchalant about it was difficult now. It was annoying me. I didn't even know why I cared, I knew from the start she might die, and life would move on.
Getting close to her, caring about her… Tch, there was no point in it when a titan could jump out around the corner and bite one of our asses off.
I looked down at her now, she was smiling in her sleep, her arms wrapped tighter around me. I couldn't help but almost smile looking down at her. She looked peaceful when she was asleep… Just as I started falling asleep myself, I thought I didn't want a titan to bite her ass off. Her ass was nice...
A few weeks later
"Crap." I grunted releasing the breath I had been holding, "It's no good and if I sucked my gut in anymore I might die," I gasped watching as my stomach peered ominously over my pants, this was the third pair of pants this week that I'd bust the button off of while getting dressed. I guess I'd have to ask Moblit to sew the button back on for me, then again, maybe that wasn't such a good idea, Moblit already thought I was 'reckless' and 'had more value for research than my life' or whatever, the last thing he needed to know was that I'd gained a bit of weight. That just meant I would be slower and he would bother me more… No thank you.
'Sweat pants it is then… Good thing it's a day off. I'm pretty sure Erwin would be pissed if I was wearing sweatpants and 3DM gear… again… He was such a stickler for the uniform.'
It really was a good thing it was a day off for me. I usually just used days off as research time unless someone, usually Moblit or Levi…. or Erwin.., sometimes Armin… or anyone that heard what I thought was totally normal laughter, stopped me, but today. I was feeling kind of off… My stomach was turning, my chest felt sore and I couldn't wrap it as tight as I usually did, and I felt uncharacteristically grumpy… Ahh, then again, I hadn't eaten in awhile, I did get a hit to the chest sparring the other day and I had been hanging around Levi a lot… maybe his grumpiness was rubbing off on me?
'Then again, he's not half as grumpy as when we first met' I pondered as I pulled on my sweatpants, ''Maybe my positivity was being stolen by him! Was that possible?! Meh, I'll look into it later.."
Shrugging, I decided it was probably time I got some food. Two long days of research with no food could take a toll on even me. I usually didn't get too dizzy after a few more days of skipping meals, but today was an utterly different case, I really might have fallen over if I didn't eat something soon.
"Hanji-san!" A voice called as I came into the hall and closed my door behind me.
"Ahh! Armin!" I smiled as I turned around to see the blond future protege behind me. If anyone was fit to take over my research were something to happen to me, it probably would be him. I knew it the moment I saw his bowl cut and crazily over intense eyes; this kid would become my apprentice… Of course he didn't know he was my apprentice yet, but that was the upside of having more authority than him, I could just tell him what to do and he did it, he didn't need to know that I was having him do stuff to train his subconscious mind to be a researcher… not yet anyway, he was only half done cooking in the oven of science! But when I was done with him ...
"Urhm… Hanji-san, why are you rubbing your hands together and staring at me with that strange smile?" he tried to smile back at me, but it was clearly a nervous smile. What, did he think I was going to experiment on him or something? He wasn't a titan, so he didn't have to worry… Eren on the other hand still might want to sleep with one eye open.
"Huh? Was I?" I chuckled putting my hand down at my side again, "I was just thinking about what they were serving in the canteen, I'm starving." I laughed it off and watched as his face relaxed a bit.
'That's right you little coconut, relax relax, your mind's not ripe enough for the picking just yet.'
"Anyway, what was it you came to tell me?" I asked before I could accidentally scared my future apprentice off.
"Ahh! Lieutenant Levi was looking for you, he said something about good news?"
"Ahhhh!" I squealed grabbing Armin by the shoulders, "My request to capture another titans much have gone through!" I jumped, lifting Armin as I did so.
"Con- grad- u- lat- ions." Armin smiled his awkward smile, doing his best to reply as I shook him.
"Ahh! I have to go find Levi." I stopped abruptly and dropped Armin before running off. I heard a squeak as Armin hit the ground behind me. Meh he'd be fine, I'd ask if he was okay later, right now Sawny and Bean junior were waiting for me!
"Levi!" I yelled bursting into his room without bothering to knock. I was sure he didn't mind by now anyway.
Two stern grey eyes turned from the cup of tea in his hand to look up at me from where he sat at a small table in his room.
I briefly noted that his hair was damp and clung to his face, a towel hung over his shoulder, he'd just gotten out of the shower, he was usually in a good mood after showers, but he still scowled at me, "You're all sweaty."
"Hey! You didn't mind me being sweaty the other night!" I protested, "And I ran here from the other side of the base, I was on my way to get lunch when I heard the news! So I get to go with you all this time right?! I get to pick out my future Sawny and Bean Juniors!?"
"You being sweaty is only fine if I'm the reason…" he grumbled into his cup with something that almost looked like a smile on his face. "The stuff about the titans is up to Erwin though." Levi cooly sipped his tea before shifting his eyes to the spare chair across from him, "If you're staying sit, and close the door behind you."
"Right right!" I enthused hurriedly pulling the door shut and rushing over to sit down. I nearly knocked the table over in my hurry to sit which earned me a dirty look from Levi as he watched the tea in the table swish around in his cup, nearly spilling.
"Oops! I'll be more careful." If I didn't apologize fast, I might get a lecture and then I wouldn't be able to talk about the titans, "So if I go obviously I'll pick the ones I like, but I'd prefer an abnormal and a normal titan if possible, just to see how they react in contrast to one another. and- Urk." my hand flew over my mouth as a weird flushed feeling came over me and my stomach swished like a washing machine
"Hanji?" he was standing up from the chairs and coming over to my side so fast I hadn't even seen him stand. "What's wrong with you?" he asked, his eyes searching my face. Ah, there he went again worrying about every little thing. Was he always like that? Oh wait no, when we first met he just wanted me to go away… and he was pretty… colorful about what he would do if I didn't, he never really followed through though. I'd always suspected he secretly liked me following him around.
"I feel nauseous lately…" I groaned as the feeling passed, "Ah, don't worry, I won't dirty your things with my vomit, I haven't eaten in a few days so nothing will come out anyway." I explained, but Levi gave me an irritated look.
"Dammit Hanji!" I jumped, I hadn't really expected him to yell, "you can't keep skipping meals, if you go running around all reckless like you always do and pass out on the field because you didn't eat, then what?" He demanded, looking me hard in the eyes.
'Oh man, here comes the guilt trip, he always makes me feel bad about this stuff..'
"I was busy! There was research I had to-"
"And who would continue your research if you die? No one."
"Well that's not true, I'm secretly grooming Armin to take over if I die." Levi let out an annoyed scoff, turning away from me for a moment before grabbing the chair by the legs and turning it so I had no choice but to face him.
"Listen," he started, planting one hand on each side of the chair and looking me in the eye with such intensity it was giving me a headache, "If you acted less like a moron and stopped being so fricken reckless, you wouldn't have to plan on dying, idiot."
"Hah! Safe is not my style, you know that." I snorted and which earned me yet another irritated grunt from Levi. silence boomed in my ears as he glared down at me. I never really got why he was always bugging me about this stuff, I mean he was reckless all of the time, but I never yelled at him. I understood that there was a chance that one of us could die from the start, sure I cared about him, but it wasn't like I could tell him to stop being humanities strongest. We were soldiers before anything else.
"Unfortunately, I do know safe's not your style." he sighed getting up and walking over to his desk, before picking up a plate I hadn't noticed at first, "Eat this."
"Urk." I cringed looking down at the sandwich next to me, "What is that? Is that salami?" while it was nice of him to give up his meat rations of the day for me, just the smell of the sandwich made my stomach lurch again, "I can't eat that, the smell is making me sick." I groaned holding my nose with one hand and the plate out to him with another.
"Hanji?" he called putting the sandwich further away from me before squatting down in front of where I sat, "Look at me." he grabbed my face roughly and turned for me to face him. He did look really worried, or at least that's what it kinda looked like, it was hard to tell with him squishing my face.
"Dom squif mae faefe."
"Don't squish my face." I grunted prying his hand free, "I'm fine Levi." he gave me a dubious unamused look.
"It's those wild berries you ate on last weeks excursion isn't it? The ones Erwin and I told you not to eat."
"No I was 29% sure that they were okay to eat!" I protested, "And they were!…" I paused, thinking about it a moment more, "mostly fine!" I added crossing my arms in protest.
"Yeah, they made me crap like crazy but I'm fine."
"Hanji. You're really fucking impossible you know." he huffed throwing his head back in frustration. My jaw flapped uselessly as I tried to think of something to respond with.
"Well… You are too!" I yelled, "You're all fussy and grumpy, and you make poop jokes even though you're a clean freak and- and"
"At least I don't have to have people come save my ass every time I mess up and get too reckless!" he boomed, scowling at me.
"Well at least I don't interrupt your work for pointless crap!" I snapped back, crossing my arms.
"Asking you to take a bath now and then and eat regular meals is too much?" He asked, standing up now. A dark look settling in on his face, "I could stop giving a shit about what happens to you. I can do that if it's really what you want." His tone was almost as cold as the look in his eyes as he said it and it shocked me.
Him saying he'd stop caring about me… I'd never really thought about it before actually, I just kind of figured that the simple way things were between us would be the same until one or both of us died. I never thought he would willingly part ways with me. It surprised me how much I disliked the thought of that.
'How'd this turn into a fight? I just wanted to talk about titans and now we're fighting? I mean obviously I'd win, I'm humanities brightest for a reason of course I'd win, but at what cost? I didn't want him to not care. I just… what is that feeling?
"Grr!" I grumbled scrunching my face in frustration, Something hot and moist rolled down my cheek and I was almost sure I looked as shocked as Levi did as it happened… No wait, I don't know if shocked was the word for what he looked like, he looked utterly stupefied.
"Are you… crying?" he asked slowly, his horrified eyes as wide as tennis balls as he stood frozen in place seemingly unsure what else to do.
"I think so!" I sobbed now, sounding just as shocked as he was, "I don't even know why!" I sobbed again wiping my face desperately and inspecting my finger tips, "Ahh! Levi, I'm really crying!" I panicked holding my hands out for him to look at the tears.
"J-just calm down!." he looked petrified as he stood utterly still looking down at me.
"I don't know how to stoooooop!" I blubbered loudly, "I don't even know why I'm crying! I was thinking I d-didn't want to fight with you, a-and then, boom! T-the tears just appeared! Ack! Levi I'm broken!" I yelled, still viciously wiping away tears.
"We're not fighting! Calm down.", I knew he was definitely out of it because he grabbed his ever precious cravat from around his neck and wiped my face with it in what was clearly a subconscious motion, "Maybe it's because you're hungry, drink some tea, I'll go down to the canteen and get you something… not salami." he shoved the cravat in my hand, anxiously poured me a cup of tea and threw on his jacket before heading to the door.
"B-but the canteen is so far, you don't have to-"
"It's fine… just stop... crying."
"C-can you get something with p-pickles?" I sniffled as he reached the door.
"Pickles?" he asked his face turned in confusion. I opened my mouth to speak again, but a loud sob came out instead of words, "Alright! Pickles!" he blurted before shutting the door behind me leaving me alone in the room to pull myself together.
"What's wrong with me?" I asked myself. Maybe Levi was right, maybe I was overdoing it. Sure I'd cried before, but not often and never for no reason like this! This wasn't me! What was this fresh hell? "Maybe it's hormones? Maybe it's that time of month or something?" I reasoned with myself staring down at my lap as I tried to pull myself together, but just as I thought that, the tears clean stopped.
'That time of month? Now that I think about it, that hadn't come yet… nor did it come las- oh no freaking way…'
'The bloating, the grumpiness, the weird feeling in my stomach... no'
"I'm remembering wrong!" I yelled jumping to my feet from the table, "There's no way what I'm thinking can be correct…" I mumbled to myself pacing the room, "I mean sure it didn't come, but maybe I just hadn't been eating enough?" No that's not right, up until the last few days Levi's squad and his squad had been having lunch with me and my squad. "Oh no… I have to get to the infirmary." I panted, utterly freaked out by now, because I knew there was no way in hell I was-
"Pregnant…" I gasped as I stared down at the little wand I'd snatched from the infirmary when no one was around. The test slipped from my hand and clattered to the ground. I honestly thought it was wrong the first time, but with six tests scattered on my bathroom floor around me all saying the same thing, it was kind of hard to deny. How much water did I have to splash on my face before I woke up from this? Because there was no way this was reality.
"Okay… Okay… Okay.." I didn't even know what to do, I just kept repeating 'okay' to myself like a broken record. I slid down the wall and to the floor in utter shock. "Okay." I slapped my cheek trying to pull myself together.
I was a scientist it wasn't like I was stupid, I knew how things like this happened! When did I get so careless? How was I going to raise a child!? I mean Levi was right I hardly took care of myself half of the time!… Levi? Oh no, Levi was going to freak out of he knew! It was no secret he hated children, he avoided them like the plague! And we'd just argued and there was a war and-
I caught myself hyperventilating, my head ached, and my stomach growled, "Oh man… I'm a terrible mother already!" I mumbled into my hands, "I haven't eaten for two days." I groaned.
Just then I heard a knock on the door and my heart stopped, "Squad leader Hanji? Are you okay?" Crap, for all of the times for Moblit to show up! In a panic I gathered all of the tests and shoved them in my pocket.
"What did you need Moblit? Did something happen in the lab?" I asked it automatically.
"Uhm, something like that? Uhm, Squad leader, is everything okay?"
"YES! EVERYTHING IS FANTSTIC AHAHAHAH" okay even I knew that reply was a bit over enthusiastic, but what else could I do? The last person who needed to know I was preg-urgh was Moblit, and he didn't need to know the dad was Lev-urgh, nope I couldn't even wrap my head around this enough to say it in my head properly "I'm coming now." I sighed getting up I'd come up with some excuse to get out of the lab and get something to eat, but I had to at least try and play it cool.
Imagine my surprise when I opened the door and right next to Moblit was Levi standing with a scowl just for me. I glared at Moblit who gave me a sympathetic wince.
"A-actually Levi was looking for you, but he said you might be avoiding him. I'll leave you two to talk then!" Moblit blurted running away.
'Oh, Moblit, you sell out my location to the enemy and then run? You can run Moblit, but you can't hide, I know where you sleep.'
"What the hell Hanji? I asked you to wait for some damn food and you run away?"
"Not right now, Levi." I sigh pushing past him. I couldn't even look at him, all that kept running through my mind was that if Erwin found out, we're screwed, if anyone found out humanities strongest had a kid with a fellow officer, he was screwed, if anyone found out, they might discharge me, what if I couldn't work anymore? What if the kid came out with Levi's grumpy glare?! Too many things to worry about…
"Get your ass back here!" he yelled tailing after me as I rushed down the hall.
I didn't stop walking as he trailed after me, I wouldn't tell him, I'd be cool about it, I'd leave mysteriously in the night, leaving only a note claiming that I was quitting, I'd raise the child alone somewhere secluded where I could continue my research. I'd send my research to the Survey Corps in secret and they'd never know it was me. I'd raise the kid to learn the land and be a fellow researcher, we would grow veggies, swing from vines and research all day long me and that kid. Yeah, that sounded like a good option. It's not like I could tell him about the child and make him choose, because he would have to choose humanity anyway. He was the strongest soldier, child or not, he had to protect humanity. I could do my research elsewhere. Leaving was the most logical solution.
"Remember how earlier you said you'd stop caring, just do that." I yelled over my shoulder. My throat burned, I wanted to cry again. I always went with the logical answer, so If this was the most logical answer, why was it so difficult?
"I didn't mean that."
"You said it!"
"I was frustrated… I didn't think you'd… cry." I peeked at him over my shoulder and saw he still looked shocked that I'd cried, it was kinda cute that it made him flustered- No! I'd just planned out my whole rogue life of raising the child in secret! I couldn't think that he was cute now!
"Well just-" Right as I started speaking, Connie came jogging out into the previously empty hallway and bumped right into me.
"Ah! Sorry squad leader Hanji!" he yelled as I kept walking.
"It's fine." I called over my shoulder, still rushing to get back to my room. I had to go pack, get some food from the canteen, and write some mysterious note before I left, and I was sure that was going to take a few drafts.
"Hey Hanji-san!" Connie called again and I sighed. Didn't Connie know that now was not the time to try and be my friend? I had other things to do. "You dropped your popsicle sticks when you bumped into me!"
I froze as cold panic rushed through my veins. Popsicle sticks? I spun around, to see the horrifying sight of Connie waving all 6 of the pregnancy tests I'd been carrying, up in the air with a clueless and carefree smile.
"You much have been really hungry to eat all of these!" he laughed lightheartedly.
'This is not happening.'
I somehow managed to tear my eyes away from the horror of all 6 tests being waved in the air to see Levi staring up at them as well, his face dumbstruck.
"Are those… yours?" Levi mumbled slowly, his eyes going from Connie's hand to me and then back to Connie's hand, "Gimme that, brat." he grumbled snatching all of the tests from Connie and shoving him aside.
"No!" I yelled running over hoping that I was faster than he was… I don't know what made me think I might have been because he'd read them by the time I'd snatched them out of his hand. "I mean, Levi! It's dirty, you shouldn't touch those popsicle sticks!" I forced a laugh as I hurriedly shoved the tests in my pocket.
He didn't say anything, he kept staring at his hand where the tests were only a moment ago, he wouldn't even look at me, and I panicked. We'd just fought, now this? I already suspected this was not what he would want, and more than that I didn't want to bring a kid into this world whose mother and father could die or disappear as quickly as my own had, but I couldn't bear to put out a flame of life that had already been lit either…
I wouldn't ask Levi to be a part of the kid's life, but I at least wanted to leave without asking him to choose and now I realized why; I didn't want to see him toss me away. "Levi, I-" I started, trying to hold back my tears as I stared at his slumped form.
He looked up at me now, and the look on his face was the most shocking thing I'd ever seen in my life; Levi looked up at me not in terror, but in wonder.
"Hanji." he murmured, "Those were yours?" he said the look turning more intense, his eyes grew wider, the constant scowl on his face even looked a bit lighter. It kind of looked like I could see his brain starting to shut down as he gave me that clueless look.
"Ahhh, panic as much as I am please! This is the middle of war! None of us are safe! And we'll be in trouble for this!" I yelled.
"Hanji." he hummed, reaching up, patting my head with a fazed look in his eyes, "What the hell is happening right now?"
Connie looked between the two of us in confusion, "Geez, are all captains so weird about popsicles? Are popsicles going extinct or something ?" he mumbled before walking off, but then he popped his head back into the hallway "Ohhh I get it now!" he laughed pointing at us, "You guys are pretending to be each other! That's why Hanji looked all grumpy and shouty and Levi is being weird!" Connie called proudly, but he shrunk back as we both turned and glared at him.
"Go away Connie." we yelled in unison.
The road we were tossed on now, would be a long one…
I imagine Levi would be really overprotective and emotional because even though he's a weird little shit, he seems to care about people more than he let's on so imagine people really close to him, he must care about them a lot, and Hanji is so caught up in logic and science that at first she'd not quite as understanding of why he's so fussy about her, but I think she's so smart she'd figure out the emotions thing… eventually. I really just wanted to write something focusing on them having a family because that would be fricken perfect and amazing.