I'm not apologizing for this one. (The first half of the summary is taken from Mibu No Tadamine)
The sun had long given way to the moon and its mournful rays when Jiraiya, legendary Gama Sennin of Mount Myouboku, stumbled into his fancy hotel suite to check on his godson.
The two of them had spent most of the day burning through the Capital's famous Star Festival, rushing from event to event and occasionally taking to the very expensive, very ancient rooftops when they got fed up with the crowds- the samurai hadn't been pleased, but Naruto had been determined to see as much as there was to be seen, and Jiraiya really didn't have the heart to deny him. It wasn't like the kid's parents would ever have the time to show him such simple pleasures, being the people they were. Not to say that Jiraiya wasn't a very busy man himself, of course- he was just good like that.
The paper door to their suite slid open with a quiet rasp. Jiraiya kicked his geta off like the drunken legend that he was, which was to say with force and precision, punching both right through the doors to the hotel kitchen. He winced.
So maybe paper doors weren't the best choice.
Setting aside the threat to his deposit for another time, Jiraiya crept through the suite's grandiose living area and peered into the room Naruto had claimed as his own. He'd dropped his godson off to get some rest just before sundown, because they'd traveled a hefty distance and Capital festivals ran long, anyway. There would be more than enough time for them to hit all the major attractions. All of them.
Jiraiya giggled, patting the notebook where he recorded his research, kept in the pocket over his heart where it belonged. He'd gotten quite a bit done after putting his godson to bed.
"Speaking of," he muttered, leaning against the door frame, "where have you gotten off to?" Naruto's bed was a mess of discarded pillows and sheets, with a very conspicuous lack of Naruto to go along with them.
Jiraiya spent a few minutes staggering around their suite and drunkenly calling out for his charge before he remembered he was a legendary shinobi and reached out for the kid's chakra signature. He stepped out onto the balcony connected to his own room moments later, the midsummer breeze peppering him with pleasant little kisses. He crossed his arms, eying the blond boy sitting on the railing.
"Nightmare?" He asked. The six year old jumped at the sound of his voice, though he thankfully didn't fall off. Jiraiya was far too drunk to go jumping after him- or not drunk enough, maybe.
"Sensei!" Naruto blinked, his question registering, and shook his head. "No, I stayed up."
"And why didn't you tell me you weren't tired, brat?" Jiraiya growled, wrapping the boy up and ruffling his hair with extreme prejudice. "We could have gathered research together!"
"Mom says I can't look at your research! It'll make my hair gray like Kakashi-sensei, and I'll go blind!" Naruto squealed, kicking his little feet and battering Jiraiya with his little fists. "'Sides, I had fun here!"
"Oh yeah? How's that?" Jiraiya paused in his ruffling, and Naruto pointed up at the night sky. Countless stars speckled the dark expanse, glimmering reflections of the festival lights still going strong below them. Seemingly in the center of them all was the moon, full and shining with faint silver light.
"It's pretty," his godson murmured. It was.
"So you've been staring at the moon all night, eh?" he asked, and Naruto nodded mutely. Letting him go, Jiraiya leaned on the railing and considered the festival below them. "Doesn't sound very fun to me."
Naruto scrunched his six year old face up in his thinking expression, and Jiraiya chuckled. Got him every time, the thinking face. "Sensei?" he finally asked. Jiraiya looked at him sidelong, raising an eyebrow. "How do you know if you love something?"
Jiraiya hummed, weighing the pros and cons of answering seriously. On the one hand, he probably wouldn't realize Jiraiya wasn't being serious if he tried joking about it, which could lead to some tragic six year old heartbreak. On the other hand, Jiraiya's actual opinions on the subject were somewhat heavy, and influenced by several tragedies of his own. Also, boobs.
"I think your parents would know better than I do," he decided, because Kushina would be furious with him no matter what he said. Naruto shook his blond head, frustrated.
"I asked, but they just told me about how they love me. Mom says I'm too young to worry about how she and dad love each other." He turned the big watery blues on Jiraiya, and gods help him if those didn't get him even more often than the thinking face. "Please, sensei?"
"Fine, fine! Just get those eyes away from me," he said, poking the boy out of his line of sight. "Tell me how you feel, and we'll go from there." These affections of his could only run so deep, his alcohol-addled mind assured him. The Gallant Jiraiya could handle a six year old's schoolyard crush.
"I feel... fuzzy," Naruto said, turning his gaze skyward. "Whenever I look at it, I-"
"It?" Jiraiya shook his head, burying his face in his hands in theatrical grief. Off right from the start. "You can't love an it, kid. Loving a woman is all about communication- if you treat her like the divine, she'll be your goddess forever. If you treat her like something less than human, she'll tear you apart like one."
... Maybe he was getting ahead of himself.
"My goddess?" Naruto said, softly, as if rolling the words around in his mouth to get a taste for them. Jiraiya peeked through his fingers and saw the boy's eyes crinkle. "Got it."
"Good. Don't forget it." Satisfied, Jiraiya closed the gaps in his fingers. It was easier to ignore how utterly hammered he was when it was just him and his slightly musky fingers. What an eager little lady that Chiyeko had been. "Now, fuzzy?"
"Yeah. When I look at her, my chest feels like- like when you sit on your foot too long and try to move it around. It gets sorta hard to breathe, but not in a bad way. It makes me smile, sometimes." His godson fidgeted, voice turning shy in a way that Jiraiya had thought impossible for any spawn of Kushina's. "No one else does, but I think she's the prettiest girl in the world."
That was so adorable it was upsetting his stomach. "What's she like, aside from pretty?"
"I don't know a lot about her," Naruto admitted, sounding pained. "But... I think she's sad."
The faint sound of rustling cloth as Naruto shrugged was his only answer. "All I know is I want to know more about her, and..."
"And?" Jiraiya peeked through his fingers again, this time bearing witness to the bizarre phenomena that was a bashful Naruto.
"I want her to feel like I do," he mumbled. Jiraiya blinked. Looked up from his hands.
"Hey, hey! What's funny, sensei!?" Naruto cried, slapping him on the back, but Jiraiya just shook his head and laughed harder.
"You," he forced out between chortles, batting the boy's hands aside and ruffling his hair again, "are more like your father every time I see you, kiddo."
"Dad says all he gave me was his good looks," Naruto disagreed, though it didn't stop him from grinning at the comparison.
"If he was lucky, maybe." Jiraiya shook his head, regarding his godson mirthfully. "Well, I'm no expert-" Not with this kind of love, wink wink nudge nudge. "- but I'd say you're doing a pretty good job loving this girl so far. The next step is introducing yourself to her. Can't feel the same way about you if she doesn't know you."
Naruto considered this, starlight shimmering in his ridiculously blue eyes. "How? She's so far away..."
Jiraiya chuckled grandly. It had been more than a few years since his cute little student had asked him how to approach Whirlpool's feistiest refugee, but the advice he'd given Minato was still clear as day in his mind. "First, you prove that you're worthy of her affections! If she does not swoon at the very sight of you, you've already failed; if her heart does not flutter at the touch of your voice, you've got no chance; if her breath does not catch when you lock eyes, don't even leave your house!"
Jiraiya threw himself away from the railing, gesturing wildly to his stunned godson. "You must be the embodiment of seduction, the epitome of suave, the culmination of all that is masculine. She may seem far now, but you'll never know for sure until you close that distance. Reach out and grab her! Tell her your name, and when she asks why she should care, sweep her away in your unrelenting maelstrom of love!"
He paused, making sure he hadn't forgotten anything, and then nodded firmly. Naruto, for his part, seemed lost for words. Jiraiya let him be. It had taken Minato a while to process his sagely musings, but he'd come around in the end. He smiled, lost in fond reminiscence.
So lost, in fact, that he almost didn't notice when his godson reached up, grasping at the air above his head with frightening intensity in his eyes.
"Hello!" he called, his wispy little voice carrying up into the sky. "My name is Naruto, and you should care because I love you! Please take care of me."
Jiraiya choked back another laugh, grinning widely at the boy's earnest expression. "Don't get ahead of yourself, now. You're not getting married just yet." At his crestfallen look, he hastened to add, "Not bad at all for a practice run, though!"
"Yes, generally you can't introduce yourself to a girl if she isn't there."
Naruto tilted his head, and with the grasping hand that he had yet to lower, pointed up at the sky. "But she's right there."
Jiraiya followed the path of his finger all the way up to the moon.
"... I'm sorry?"
"She's there," Naruto helpfully repeated. Jiraiya double checked. Yes, his godson was pointing to the moon.
How drunk was he again? "Naruto, how many fingers am I holding up?"
"Just so we're clear here," Jiraiya said, shaking what cobwebs from his head that he could, "we've been talking about the moon this whole time?"
Naruto nodded, smiling warmly. "She's pretty, isn't she? My goddess."
Did... he just turn his godson into a monk? Please do not tell him he just turned Minato and Kushina's darling shinobi-to-be into a monk. His drunk ass was so dead.
"Naruto," he said, clearing his throat and assuming the gravest tone he could muster. "I think there have been a few miscommunications here. What I really meant by 'unrelenting maelstrom of love' was-"
"Can you teach me, sensei?" Naruto asked, and god damn those big watery blues.
"Teach you what?" He asked warily.
"How to be the embodiment of seduction, the epi-" He paused, nose scrunching. "E-pi-to-me of suave, and the culmination of all that is masculine!" Naruto grinned.
"So that you can woo the moon." He had to be sure.
"Naruto," he tried again. "Have your parents ever told you about the birds and bees?" Naruto shook his head. "Has anyone told you about the birds and bees?"
"I like birds."
God damn it. Jiraiya slammed his hands down on the railing, once again thankfully not startling his godson off of the building. "You know what, kid? You're on. I'll teach you how to woo every fair lady this world has to offer! When I'm done with you there won't be a single feminine body that can resist your charms, celestial or otherwise!" Because there wasn't a chance in the Shinigami's stomach that it was going to be him that explained sexuality to his six year old godson.
"Really!?" Naruto cried, brimming with excitement.
So he'd just teach him how to seduce the moon instead.