The Harry Potter Doom Lego's

All standard disclaimers apply cause I really don't feel like writing a disclaimer. Besides, if I see one more overly-used 'don't sue me because you'll only get pocket lint' disclaimers, I WILL sue you for your pocket lint JUST to annoy you.

(Just to let you know ~~ means hallucinations.)

&%&%

"Hey, Harry what are those?"

"They're Muggle toys, Ron."

"What are they called?"

"Why, they're called Lego brand Lego's!"

"Lego brand Lego's? Where can I get some, Harry?"

"You can't Ron, because I hate you!"

"Harry..?"

"But, you can play with some of my Lego brand Lego's!"

"Wicked!"

"As long as you never say 'wicked' again!"

"Sure!"

And so Harry and Ron embarked on an amazing journey past Ron's chess set, past Hermione's books, past the Exploding Snap game that no one in particular owned, and finally reached Harry's Lego brand Lego's.

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Ron?"

"Why does that Lego look like me?"

"It doesn't, you're just dumb."

"No, look! It has bright red hair, freckles, and it's in Gryffindor!"

"It could be some OTHER red-haired, freckled Gryffindor."

"There's no such person."

"..It's still not you."

"Why is that, Harry?"

"Because no one would bother making YOU into a Lego brand Lego."

"Harry, you're scaring me today.."

"Now this," Harry picked up another Lego, "this is me."

"It looks nothing like you!"

"Can't you see the scar?"

"It could be some OTHER scar-bearing, messy-haired, glasses-tooting Gryffindor."

"I sincerely doubt that."

"Well it COULD be!"

"See Ron, if this is you, how come you don't have a wand?"

"It may be when my wand gets broken.."

"That's a lame excuse."

"Yeah? Well how come YOU don't have a wand?"

"I do! It's right there!"

"It's not! That's a pipe!"

"Now why on Earth would I go around wielding a pipe?"

"To beat people up with it?"

"However tempting that may be, especially to a certain Slytherin weasel, I couldn't do such a thing."

"Why the bloody hell not? Sounds like a good idea to me."

"That's because you don't have a reputation to uphold. I am the great and powerful Harry Potter..and you're a Weasley."

Ron chose to ignore that last comment.

"Hey Harry.."

"What?"

"Who's that guy? You know, the one with the glow-in-the-dark face?"

"That's Snape."

"Snape doesn't glow-in-the-dark."

"How would YOU know?"

There was a pause, then..

"EWWWW!!! HARRY!!"

Harry shrugged.

"You can't really say that Snape's not glow-in-the-dark if you've never seen him in the dark before, now can you?"

"Wait, I've got it!"

"Hm?"

"The third book!"

"Book?"

"Year, I meant year."

"What about it?"

"Snape was unconscious in the dark as we brought him back up to Hogwarts after the whole Shrieking Shack mess."

"So?"

"He wasn't glowing!"

"He may have since changed."

".."

"Oh, you know, some freak potions accident or something."

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Not today, why?"

"No reason."

Ron proceeded to take the Harry Lego and ram it repeatedly into a wall of the Hogwarts Lego castle. While Ron was occupied, Harry grabbed the Snape Lego and covered it with one hand.

"I'll be darned, he DOES glow!"

"What?"

"Nothing."

Harry replaced the Snape Lego.

"Hey Ron?"

Harry Lego's hair popped off and Ron snapped it back on quickly.

"What?"

"Why is Hagrid Lego so much bigger than Harry Lego?"

"He's not."

Harry looked at Ron as if he was mad. And not mad as in angry, mad as in the British 'crazy' type. We're getting into the British spirit here.

"Ron, stand Harry Lego up next to Hagrid Lego."

"Why?"

"Because."

"But I don't want to."

"Ron, Harry Lego's hair is on backwards."

Ron turned Harry Lego's hair around and scowled. Harry swiped Harry Lego from Ron and set him next to Hagrid Lego.

"Would you look at that, he IS bigger."

"Yeah but, why?"

"I'd imagine it's because he's so much bigger in real life."

There was another pause.

"He is?"

"Don't be dense, Harry."

"I try."

Suddenly Hermione burst into the common room.

"You're doing magic? Well, let's see then."

"Uh Hermione.."

"THAT'S a spell? Well it's not a very good one, is it?"

"HERMIONE!"

"What?"

"Let's start over again."

Hermione skipped to the door. She waited a few seconds as Harry and Ron exchanged glances, then she burst back into the common room.

"Hi, Harry. Hi, Ron."

"Hi Hermione."

"What's that you're playing with?"

"They're called Lego brand Lego's."

"I hate those things."

"You're just jealous."

"No, that's not it at all."

"I know what it is."

Hermione and Ron turned to Harry, who was looking smug.

"It's because Hermione Lego is ugly."

"SHE IS NOT!"

Hermione and Harry turned to Ron, who was looking a bit embarrassed. Ron cleared his throat.

"I mean to say, Snape Lego is way more ugly than Hermione Lego."

"Well duh," Harry picked up Snape Lego, "that's because Snape is so much more uglier in real life."

At that moment, a herd of rabid Snape fans ran by screaming insults and trampled Harry. Then they left without a trace except that when they slammed the door a painting fell off the wall and hit the now senseless Harry on the head. And there was much rejoicing. Yay.

"And so I says to him, I says, Voldie, you can suck my---"

"HARRY!!"

"He's lost his mind, he has!"

Hermione bitch-slapped Harry, who was snapped out of his unintelligent moment in a flash.

"What hit me?"

Hermione and Ron pointed to Draco Lego. Harry picked up Draco Lego and stared at him eye-to-painted-on-eye.

"Oh, a wise guy are we?"

Ron turned to Hermione accusingly.

"What?"

"You let him get into the Floo Powder supply again, didn't you?"

"I thought I had locked it!"

Ron shook his head sadly.

"You have to do more than lock it. You have to..well, no..locking it should keep him out."

"Precisely!"

"Maybe he's just gone mad."

"Maybe he's gone off his rocker!"

"Maybe he's had one too many blows to the head!"

"Or maybe he's wondering why Draco Lego has a black pipe and he has a brown pipe."

Hermione and Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry. Harry shrugged.

"It's true."

"But I thought you LIKED brown, Harry."

"What? What gave you that impression? I HATE brown!"

"But your broomstick is brown."

"No it's not."

"Don't tell me you got a new one?"

"Nope!"

Harry pulled out a Lego Broomstick that had come with Harry Lego. It had been messily painted.

"Pink?"

"It's better than brown."

"TICKLE-ME-PINK?"

"..It's better than brown."

"Harry, you need serious help."

"And I think you should lay off the Lego's for awhile."

"NEVER!"

Harry grabbed a bunch of the Lego people and held them protectively.

"THEY'RE MINE, YA HEAR? ALL MINE!"

Harry proceeded to cackle evilly.

"MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry Lego's hair popped off again and hit Ron in the eye.

"Ow, Harry! That hurt! Harry?"

Harry was staring at his Lego's in wonder.

"Ammo.."

"Ammo?"

"Uh oh..RUN!"

Hermione and Ron ducked under the table just in time as Ron Lego's hair was seen sailing across the room.

"HEEHEEHEE!"

"Harry..you've had enough."

"ASANTE SANA SQUASH BANANA WE WE NUGU MI MI APANA!"

Hermione slaps Harry.

"Sorry, Harry, you were just getting really annoying."

"It's the Lego's I tell ya! They do something weird to your brain."

The three stared warily at the Lego people. Snape Lego, Harry Lego, Ron Lego, Hermione Lego, Hagrid Lego, Dumbledore Lego, Quirrel Lego, Draco Lego, and McGonagall Lego stared back. Ron was first to recover.

"Er..maybe we should just hide them."

"No! They'll find their way back..these ones are smart!"

"Oh Harry, let's just chuck them out a window or something."

"And risk having them fall into the wrong hands?! NEVER!"

Images of Snape sitting in his dungeon playing with Harry Lego and tearing his arms off flashed in everyone's minds.

"We could always flush them."

That seemed the only sensible thing to do. So Harry, Ron, and Hermione gathered up the Lego people and made their way past Ron's chess set, past Hermione's books, and past the Exploding Snap game that no one in particular owned and came across the bathroom. Or the loo. Or whatever the British call their johns.

Unfortunately, Harry slipped and hit his head on the doorknob. He started to hallucinate.

~~The Lego people all jumped up and started to sing:

We represent the Doom Lego Guild The Doom Lego Guild The Doom Lego Guild! We represent the Doom Lego Guild!! And we welcome you to Bathroom Land~~

"Harry? I think he's out of it!"

Harry opened an eye.

"Why'd you wake me? I was having the most wonderful dream!"

"Tell us about it later. We have to flush the Lego people."

"But..the Lego people are my friends! Now I see that they weren't meant to cause harm."

"They weren't?"

"He's out of it."

"They were meant to dance and frolic and sing Wizard of Oz parodies."

"HE'S BLOODY OUT OF IT!"

"Quiet, Ron."

~~Dumbledore Lego: "Click your heels together three times and say, 'I wish I was a girl. I wish I was a girl."~~

"I wish I was a girl.."

"Harry?!"

"Dumbledore told me to do it!"

"By Dumbledore do you mean the leprechauns in your head that tell you to burn things?"

"Now why would I do a silly thing like that?"

Hermione and Ron blinked simultaneously.

"Come on, Harry, let's flush them already!"

"But not Draco Lego!"

"Why the bloody hell not?"

"I've grown to like Draco Lego."

"He was the one that hit you!"

Ron and Hermione exchanged a glance, both of them realizing that if they had not blamed Hermione's bitch-slap on Draco Lego, Harry would not be considering the Lego people as evil beings and they would not be trying to flush them. Then again, Dumbledore Lego DID subliminally tell Harry that he wished he was a girl..which is bad, I guess. Cho would be upset.

Hermione and Ron looked over at Harry to see him hugging Draco Lego. At that moment, a heard of rabid Draco fans knocked politely at the bathroom door and asked if a Mister Harry Potter was in here. Harry asked what they wanted. They told him that they would like to trample him and scream insults and then drop a painting on his head. Harry told them, "No, go away" so they happily agreed and left.

While Harry was momentarily distracted, Hermione and Ron dropped Dumbledore Lego, McGonagall Lego, and Hagrid Lego into the toilet in no particular order.

FLUSH.

"No!!!"

"Don't worry, Harry, it was only Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Hagrid."

Pause.

"HAGRID?!"

"WE KILLED HAGRID!"

"NO!!!"

"SHUT UP HARRY!"

"Well there's no use trying to fish them out now."

"Shame, really."

"But, HAGRID!"

"SHUT UP HARRY!"

Hermione picked up Ron Lego but Ron quickly took it from her.

"Oh Ron, you're not getting cold feet now are you?"

"He's special to me.."

"Baby."

"Know-it-all."

"Sidekick."

"Romantic Partner."

"I am not!"

"Pfft, keep thinking that."

Hermione snatched up Ron Lego and flushed him.

"NO!!! YOU KILLED RON!"

"No big loss."

"Harry, you know you're freaking me out today."

"Yeah, I know. Fully intended, I assure you."

Ron arched an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah? Well there goes Harry Lego!"

FLUSH.

"Eh, no biggie. He was kind of evil, and his hair never stayed on."

"Yeah, the conceited little brat."

"Well I never went so far as to say THAT.."

"Yeah but we did."

Harry took Hermione Lego.

FLUSH.

"HAHA! The joke's on you! Hermione Lego was ugly!"

"You admit it!"

"Um..no.."

"Yes! Yes, you did! Just now!"

"No..I..I didn't.."

"YES!!"

FLUSH.

"DRACO!!! YOU FLUSHED HIM!"

"Yeah I know, but you deserved it."

"WHY, DRACO, WHY? DRACO.."

Harry broke down sobbing just as the real, non-Lego Draco stepped into the bathroom holding a magazine.

"Can't a hottie have any privacy?"

"DRACO!!"

Harry sniffed and stopped sobbing, and pointed to the toilet.

"SHE FLUSHED YOU!"

"She WHAT me?!"

"YEAH! AND IT LOOKED NOTHING LIKE YOU AND IT REMINDED ME OF COLIN CREEVEY..OR CREEVY..I CAN'T SPELL HIS NAME BUT THAT'S WHO IT REMINDED ME OF AND I LIKED HIM AND SHE FLUSHED HIM!"

"You flushed me, Granger?"

"No! It was a Lego!"

"What the poot's a Lego?"

Hermione held up the last remaining Lego's, Snape Lego and Quirrel Lego. Draco eyed Snape Lego, frowning.

"Snape doesn't glow-in-the-dark."

"HOW THE POOT DO YOU KNOW?!"

"Because I've..uh.."

The three Gryffindors stared down Draco.

"GOTTA RUN!"

Draco ran off, dropping his magazine. Ron picked it up.

"Weasel's Weekly?"

Hermione and Ron shrugged at each other, and Harry would have shrugged had he not been hallucinating again.

~~Quirrel: "The squirrels are coming hooray, hooray! The squirrels are coming hoorah, hoorah!"~~

"The Quirrels are coming huzzah, booya!"

Hermione turned to Ron.

"Would you like to do the honors?"

"My pleasure."

Ron grabbed Quirrel Lego and tossed him you-know-where.

FLUSH.

"YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!"

"Harry, chill.."

"Yeah..I mean, Quirrel was a bit..evil."

"So who's to say that Quirrel Lego wasn't evil too?"

"True.."

An awkward silence followed as the three kind of just looked at Snape Lego.

"Snape isn't evil."

"He's like one of those anti-hero type guys."

Silence, then..

"Nah."

"No, he's evil."

"NO!"

"Harry, he hates you."

"But he's not EVIL! He's misunderstood!"

Ron took Snape Lego and dangled him above the toilet.

"But you wouldn't mind if I happened to drop him, would you?"

".."

"..Harry?"

".."

"HARRY!"

"Sorry."

~~Snape: "Raindrops are fallin' on my head. But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red."~~

"I guess we could keep him as a pet."

"A Lego pet?"

"Sure, why not?"

"I suppose we wouldn't have to feed him or anything.."

"Or walk him.."

"Or change his newspapers.."

There was a pause, then..

"EWWW!! HARRY!!

Harry shrugged.

~~Snape: "You'll never get me lucky charms!"~~

"Hehe, you go Lucky."

"Um.."

"Don't bother, Hermione. I've learned just to let it go."

~~Snape: "In the castle, the age-old castle, Harry flushes Ron. In the castle, the age-old castle, Harry flushes Ron. AWEEEEEE!!!!"~~

"A Pumbaa bum da way..AWEEEEEE!!!!"

FLUSH.

Hermione, Ron, and Snape Lego grinned deviously. Harry would have grinned, but..well..you know. His head was currently lodged down a toilet.

&%&%

Yes indeed.

And there you have it. My first one-shot. Usually I get so sidetracked that I just say, "To Be Continued" and go off on another fic. But not this time. Oh no, this time I actually FINISHED A COMPLETE THOUGHT! Although you can't really call this a complete thought..so..NYAH!!

Go forth, young child, and review.

PUH-LEASE.

I might even have a sequel if it is liked well enough.

*\o/* Hehe, look, a cheerleader. (^ ^) (^ ^) (^ ^) IT'S KIRBY! C'mon, you know! Kirby! The pink guy! That..eats..people..