No one steals my Infernus!


"How much is that respray?" Tommy glared at the worker who had painted his beloved Infernus blue in order to avoid the cops, he of course was new to Vice City and didn't have much money at this point.

"O-one thousand dollars." The green uniformed man stammered, stepping back from the car and the man in the blue leisure suit.

"You want to say that to my gun tough guy?" He coolly held the Uzi over the door, pointing promptly at the green uniform.

"Uh.. uh.." The man bent over, glancing at the gun. "O-one thousand dollars."


"What was that? Free? Ok.." He drove over the man's body on the way out, the early morning sunshine of Vice City was beautiful, nothing could go wrong t--

"Thanks for the car Mister!" Before Tommy could say or do anything the door swung open and some punk pulled him down to the unforgiving concrete dressed up like Michael Jackson.

"Hey stop that guy!" Two over weight police men waddled by, obviously more interested in keeping their pants up rather than getting Tommy's beloved Infernus back.

"NO one steals my Infernus!" Before the words left his mouth he was up, and running almost futilely towards the speeding Infernus, he needed a vehicle.

Glancing around quickly, he came upon the realization that the street was deserted, the Infernus was two blocks away and even the large bazooka that he kept in his coat pocket would be of no use by now.

Suddenly the welcoming sound of a Sanchez motorcycle filled his ears, justice will be served, stealing was wrong!

"Give me this!" Tommy clotheslined the rider of the Sanchez just as he passed, the motorcycle slid across the street as the man fell onto the floor almost dead.

Tommy was pissed at this point, the robber had made Tommy hurt this man, he would still be alive if it wasn't for that punk!

"I'll help you." Tommy hoped onto the motorcycle. He turned the motorcycle, running over the man. Justice would be served!

On his way to the stolen Infernus he ran over the bloated cops, cursing the robber for his evil ways.

5 deaths and explosions later Tommy caught up with the Infernus who was speeding towards Starfish Island.

"Ha ha! I'm catching up to you now aren't I!" Tommy spat with satisfaction, "Nothing can stop me n--"

He lightly tapped the bumper of the Infernus and was thrown nearly half a block, getting run over by the speeding Infernus in the process. The man laughed, almost flying away.

"I'll get you, robber!" Tommy stood, firing a few rounds into an evil grandma who was bent on stopping his search for justice.

After pocketing the shotgun Tommy sprinted after the Infernus, getting tired after a few feet of running.

"Oh.. god.. too.. far.. no.. use.." He stood, hunched over after a minute before running again, getting tired after a shorter distance of 6 inches.

"Why.. is.. he.. so, far!?" The man was seemingly a martial artist with his fighting moves but he couldn't run for crap.

Tommy hoped into a speeding cab, pushing the passenger into the sea.

"Hey! What you tink you doink wit my passengahs!?" The Japanese drive demanded shaking his fist as he continued driving.

"You want to complain to my gun?" Tommy held a gun up to the man's head.

"You gun have no ear."

Bam. He pushed the driver out the window taking control of the cab.

Meanwhile Diaz was walking down the street trying to find a local Radio Shack for a new VCR when he saw Tommy in the cab. "Ay Tommy you want to give me a lift?"

"Am I still working for you?" Tommy stuck his head out the window, quizzically.

"..uh.. not right n--" CRUNCH, Tommy used Diaz' fat ass as a ramp to gain some air to be closer to the Infernus, and after a long mid air trip he landed, again behind the Infernus.

"I'm back scum ball!" Tommy yelled, ramming the cab into the back of the Infernus.

"Ow! Isn't it bag?" 'Michael Jackson' was thrown forward as the cab rammed into the car's bumper.

"What?" Tommy moved faster, as they approached the golf course.

"Never mind!" He laughed, pressing the number 3 on the steering wheel of the Mark 4.. I mean the Infernus, making the car leap onto the soft grass.

"Damn!" Tommy came to a stop, he didn't think the cab had crazy buttons like his Infernus so he got out, walking towards the manager of the course.

"Let me in!" Tommy banged on the window in which the manager was behind.

"Not by the hairs on my assy, ass, ass!"

Tommy took out his flame thrower which he kept concealed in his shoe and magically blew the fire through the window, killing the manager.

He walked through the door that was OPEN and discovered a hidden package.

"oooo, hidden package." He glanced at the package, holding it in his hands. "I wonder what's in it."

He opened the package and a paper fell out, he picked up the paper and read. "Your son will be named after your dog."

Tommy snarled crumpling the paper, walking onto the golf course. "I will never name my kid Fido!"

"Now where is he?"

He glanced around, seeing a golf cart. "Well, looks like this will be my new vehicle."

Tommy got in the BF Injection that was behind the golf cart and began to drive like a madman on SPANK!

He clicked on Fever .05 and began to sing to the Michael Jackson, but then changed it to Flash remembering that he hated him now.

"Hey look its Michael Jordan!" He began to drive furiously as he watched Michael Jordan playing golf.

Jordan looked up, taking off his golf hat by the pompom. "Hello, would you like me to get my HANES on you?"

Crunch! Tommy ran over him, seeing the Infernus a few feet away. "Stop playing golf and get a real job!"

"I'm bbbaaaccckk!" Tommy rammed into the Infernus again, it tumbled this time, landing in the water. "Yes I have won.. but wait!" He began to yell for no apparent reason. "I HOPE HE DOESN'T PRESS NUMBER 1 MAKING THE CAR A BOAT!"

Sure enough he pressed number one and the Infernus/Boat sped away.

"Damn, how did he find out?"

There was no boat around so it seemed that the robber won, when suddenly who should arrive but Lance Vance in a boat!

"Hey hop in, I'll help you get your Infernus back!" Lance sat there, his hand over the steering wheel.

"All right, I'll drive and you shoot."

"... How about I shoot and you drive?" Lance moved closer, not sure if Tommy would take the offer.

"Deal!" Tommy hoped in, driving the boat as Lance stood at the boats main gun.

In moments they were behind the Infernus as is tried to get away as quick as possible.


"Yo man why you yelling?" Tommy just shrugged, chasing closely behind the jetting car.

"All right! Its time for the Lance Vance Dance!"

Tommy watched Lance Dance. Dance, Lance, Dance. Watch Lance Vance Dance.

"Yo man watch what you're doing!" Lance growled, glaring at Tommy. "You drove us off course!"

"Oh, sorry man." Tommy got out of the boat and onto the roof of the building he drove the boat on.

"I'll catch you later, just sit tight!" Tommy hopped off the roof.

"Hey man you bettah come back later! This is a very expensive boat.. that.. I.. stole.." Lance dropped into the seat off the boat. Lance sat. Sit, Lance, sit. Watch Tommy fall.

"AAHHHHH!!!!" Tommy fell off the skyscraper, not realizing how high the building was.

He kept falling until he grabbed the blade of a helicopter, he began to spin like mad as he held on for life on the police helicopter that seemed to be from 18 years in the future.

"Hey don't touch that!" The passenger in the helicopter yelled, grabbing the controls as the helicopter spun wildly.

"What" He spun once around. "the" He spun around again. "hell?"

"Don't make me shove this gun up your ass!" The pilot grabbed the controls from the passenger.

"You can't say that!" The passenger yelled.

Tommy dropped down into the helicopter startling the two cops.

"What the hell do we do when some guy hopes into the helicopter!?"

"That's not in the manual!"

Tommy shoved both cops out of the 'jetty' and they began to plummet towards the water.

"I told you, you cant let people into the helicopter!" The first yelled, trying to be heard over the wind.

"Don't make me shoot you in the eye!"

"You can't say that!"

They both crashed into the water as Tommy manned the helicopter's controls.

"Its time for Justice!"


"Hello I am some reporter who you never heard of and will probably forget if I told you!" The woman smiled as the screen next to her showed a helicopter view of a police chase going on in the city.

"Here we are live from Vice City 1 news channel where a criminal is riding in a stolen, car which was stolen from a guy who stole it from a guy who stole it from me." She smiled again, pointing at the screen.

"Police all over Vice City are chasing this guy as he tries to make it to some place far away from police where he will use the 'No wanted level' code and the police will leave for no apparent reason." She grinned this time, speaking into her microphone. "I am here with Jeff who is flying the helicopter, hello Jeff."

The camera pans to Jeff who stares blankly with a stupid grin on his face for a few minutes before talking. "Hello random woman!"

The camera shows the city below.

"Well as you can see this Infernus which was stolen from a guy which was stolen from a guy which was stolen from the reporter which was stolen from me is now traveling down fifty fourth street... f-fifty fifth street... f-fifty sixth street.. f-fi.. well he's just driving damn it!"


OJ Simpson slammed his fist on the table staring at the TV. "That's the car that Jeff stole from me!"

After a few minutes he scoffed at the chase, speaking again. "I could make a chase better than that.. where's my Jeep?"


"Ahah! There's the guy!" Tommy moved the helicopter closer to the news copter, staring down at the chase.

"OH MY GOSH ITS LIKE ANOTHER HELICOPTER!" Jeff looked up, a bra fastened over his dress shirt.

Tommy just cringed, taking the bazooka out of his coat pocket, destroying the helicopter.

And as Tommy jumped from his exploding helicopter (He cant shoot through a closed window!) he plummeted on top of the Infernus.

The robber looked up, scared as hell.


"No your momma." Tommy slammed his fist through the roof, stifling a cry from the pain that came when a normal human slams his fist into a steel roof.

After a moment or two Tommy grabbed the guy by the neck and started to chock him.

"Let me go!" The robber screamed as the began to drive towards a warehouse.

"Say the magic word!"

"Ishkabible!" He yelled.

"?" The car crashed into the wall of the warehouse and they both smashed through the window.

The robber soon woke up, glancing around the warehouse roof.

"Where is the guy?" The robber said, Tommy dissented from a wire, upside down behind him.

When he turned around he was gone.

"Hmm.." The robber turned around again and was met with Tommy's elbow. "Ow!"

He stumbled towards a large window and Tommy grabbed the guy by the collar lifting him up.

"Please no! Give me a chance."

"Did you give Uncle Ben a chance!?"


A light moved over the window showing Tommy the robber's true face.

"Gasp!" Tommy let go.

"What?" The robber looked around.

"You stole my Infernus!"

"... duh."

POW! Tommy punched the robber in the face and he crashed through the window, he fell, being impaled on a toothpick.

"Stay right there, you are under arrest!" A cop ran up to the dead body and held the gun up to his head..

"Move moron." Tommy jumped from the window and landed on the robber, rolling towards his car.

"Car!" He hugged the car, a jeep speeding by.

"Hey Bill." The cop walked up to another cop.


"Isn't that the Infernus OJ stole from you?"


***********One week later************

"Hello!? GET ME OFF THIS ROOF!" Lance scream. Scream, Lance, scream. Hear Lance scream.

***At pay 'n' spray*************

"How much is that respray?"

"F-free." The man stammered, his head bandaged up.

"You wan-- oh..." Tommy began to pull out of the garage.

"Have a nice day."

"Your mama."

Tommy pulled the Infernus out of the driveway, admiring the morning sunshine; nothing could go wrong t--

"Busted!" A cop yelled, pointing his gun at Tommy.


The End