[A/N: I know, I know. I have about five million fics in progress, and I just keep digging myself deeper and deeper into this rut of obligation to keep them up. But I just had to write this. The idea started in "Ryan" when Clark mentioned something about not sensing anything wrong in emails from Ryan. My first reaction: So they've been keeping in touch, eh? The original idea was to go through all of the episodes from "Stray" to "Lineage" and add commentary between Clark and Ryan, a la Snuffleupagus' "Sister and Brother", but I really don't have the stamina for that, let alone the dedication. Easily the most amusing and fertile episode in this bracket was "Heat", so I decided to just do this as a kind of throwaway fic for the hell of it. So here it is. If the plot bunny bites, I'll do another episode, all out of order and such, but please, don't beg me. I'm a weak person, and I'll just end up having another unfinished masterpiece on my shoulders. Anyway, this was really fun to write, and I can only hope it's half-as-a-hoot to read. On a side note, Clark's email address is stolen from Christina K, because it's so damn clever. And I know it's probably out of character, but it's for fun, so I don't care. I separated Clark's email and Ryan's response into two chapters, so you can get the second half of this by clicking to purple right button over there. Feel free to review on both pieces. Feel incredibly, streaker-like freedom to review at all! Please! Reviews!! And with that, I present:]
Subject: News on the Alien Front
So. Deep breaths now.
The Good News: I can light things on fire with my eyes!
The Bad News: I can light things on fire with my eyes.
I hate being weird.
So, a Playboy Bunny-worthy babe was our new sex-ed teacher. Great. But did it have to be then that my super-hormones kicked in? Before I know it, I'm putting out a fire I think I'd started (my fault, as usual), and the Bunny-bio teacher is marrying Lex.
Maybe you didn't hear me: Marrying! Lex!!
I need you to come back and reassemble my life.
And then, it happens again at the Talon. Let me set the scene: Lana. Me. Alone. Foamy cappuccinos. A conversation about passion, no less. And she was looking at me with those big, green eyes - you know how it goes. Then, when anybody less dorky than me would go in for the kill -- well, kiss -- the walls are flaming. Just great.
Dad figures that the girls... um, triggering me, triggers the fires. In so many words, of course. Once I was done igniting half the farm (including a real scarecrow - take that, GI Jock!), I had it pretty much under control. I can pop popcorn and cook PopTarts -- Just call me Toaster Lad!
Long story short: Desiree (the Hot for Teacher) had super meteor-enhanced uber-pheromones that convinced Lex to marry her and my father to nearly shoot Lex. Well, she tried it on me first, but it didn't work because of the dense-ness of my native race; it's probably the same reason you can't read my mind. Or, as Chloe so eloquently put it, I'm "immune to some members of the opposite sex." Ooh, burn. Heh. I'm sure that little alibi will go over great will all of the ladies fawning over me constantly.
You can guess who (or what?) stopped Desiree before anything drastic happened. At least I didn't have to throw anybody thirty feet this time. But I did break out of jail, and knock my father out...
Hm. My karmic scale is balanced quite delicately, don't you think?
Anyway, I'll be awaiting your ever-so-glowing commentary on my new ability.
Take my life. Please.
Your favorite alien next to ET and Seven of Nine,