Once upon a time, there was an little okonomi-yaki chef who was
very sad. The Ucchan was closed for the night, so there were no
customers, and her kunoichi had left for the wilds of rural Japan to
train in the ninja arts with Clan Kenzan. So she was very lonely.
No prince would arrive on a white horse to comfort her: her prince
was stuck at the Tendo Dojo, and at any rate, wouldn't be sensitive
enough to know of her needs. So the chef said to herself, "I will
rent some anime video. Perhaps this will keep me entertained until
I decide to go to bed."
This was all well and good, but while she was watching, so tired was
she by the long work day, that she fell asleep right in the middle of
her first videotape. Before she knew it, she found herself resolved
to become a prince, too.

But was this really such a good idea?

Ukyou Kuonji offers
a Revolutionary Girl Utena/Ranma 1/2 self-insertion(?)


How do you write a disclaimer on a dream?

"I" belong to Rumiko Takahashi
Utena belongs to B-Papas and Chiho Saito
We're on own own from here...


Right from the start, it should have been clear this was not going
to be an ordinary day. First of all, it wasn't her alarm clock that
woke her up, but rather the pealing of bells. Not that strange,
fake "Big Ben" chime from Furinkan High's clock tower, either,
but real honest-to-gosh church bells. Lots of them, from the
sound of it, as if someone had planted a cathedral only a few
doors down from the Ucchan...

Only... it wasn't the Ucchan anymore, either...


Did you ever walk into your room, and suspect everything had been
stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate? That would roughly
approximate Ukyou's morning. Except that it wasn't quite exact,
after all. Everything was where it was supposed to be, but nothing
*was* what it was supposed to be, not exactly. Her uniform, for
instance, was still hanging on her chair, but it was black with gold
rope and epualets, and her navy blue slacks were now red shorts.
Putting it on, she muttered about how now she'd look like Oscar
Jarjayes at school.

Which lead her to the mirror to see how she *did* look. Since
*when* have I had *pink* hair?

At least her spatula remained a constant... except for the pommel.
What should have been a simple circle at the end of the handle
was now a wrought-iron rose crest. She sighed as she strapped it
on. She had no alternative but to let the damn thing play itself out.
Hopefully, things would eventually return to normal.

Assuming she'd recognize normal when she saw it...


By the time she stepped out of what wasn't really the Ucchan, she
was as nervous as an ant at Orkin headquarters. Something was
not right here, and whatever it was, she was in it six feet over her
head. Ukyou didn't like not being in control of her circumstances,
and this was really getting uncomfortable.

Still, it had a weird logic of its own. Ukyou was actually unfazed
to find herself standing in front of Ohtori Academy where she had
assumed Furinkan High was supposed to be. It had just been that
kind of morning.

Definately not the sort of morning for anyone to assault her.

Which meant that somebody just had to...

"Ukyou!" And suddenly Ukyou found herself bent double by the
weight of a person on her back. Whoever it was had wrapped their
arms around her in a great bear hug, pressing the spatula between
them, which meant that Ukyou was trapped without even a way to
defend herself from...

"Tsubasa... if you don't get off of me *this*instant*, I'm gonna
turn you into sidewalk pizza so fast..." All at once the pressure
was released, and Tsubasa let go.

"Tsubasa? Do I *look* like I play soccer, Miss Ukyou?" No, it
wasn't Tsubasa after all. As if that were a surprise anymore.
Instead, a girl nearly Ukyou's height, with a oval face, an auburn
ponytail spouting from the top of her head, and a vacant but
devoted look in her eye stared back at her. "You haven't forgotten
your darling Wakaba, now, have you?" the girl said with a pout in
her voice, snuggling up against Ukyou's chest.

"Uh... uh... I, ah..." This canNOT be for real.

"You almost made us late for class, you know... come on!" The girl
- Wakaba, was it? - tugged on Ukyou's sleeve. There really wasn't
much else to do but follow.


To paraphrase Yogi Berra, some of the differences were similar.
Ukyou recognized none of the textbooks in her breifcase, but they
matched each of the classes she was somehow now attending at
Ohtori, or at least the classes Wakaba was dragging her to.

Not only that, but the subject matter seemed to be a grade or two
below her, so she was starting to feel a little more at ease. Why,
she could even ignore the lecture and stare out the window if she
wanted. And that's when she saw it:


The hell...? That guy just hit that girl!

Ukyou may not have been as steeped in the Warrior's Code as her
own prince, but she had a fairly well-developed sense of right and
wrong when it came to fighting. One of the rules was that you
didn't hurt the defenseless (Tsubasa didn't count... after all, he'd
managed to pummel Ranma once), and if someone did, they needed
to be punished.

She shoved open the classroom window, and leaped - down two
floors - into the quadrangle.


"I don't give a damn if you're engaged, married, or just screwing
around for the hell of it... you don't hit her."

"She is the Rose Bride, and as duelling champion, I own her. She is
*my* bride; I can do whatever I want with her."

The fellow's arrogance left Ukyou sputtering breathlessly. "Listen,

"The name is Sayonji. And that's sempai to you."

"The hell you aren't Kuno..." she muttered under her breath.
"Whatever... do you realize how close you are to getting a taste
of this thing?" Her right hand cocked back to unsheath the
battle spatula.

"So... you wish to challenge me for the Rose Bride, do you? I had
heard a new duellist was about to arrive; I hadn't expected such
an... odd choice in weaponry. Very well," and the tall boy let go
of the girl, "I accept."

"Fine, then..." Out came the spatula.

"NOT here..."

Ukyou frowned. The girl - this Rose Bride, or whoever she was
- was shaking her head as well. Apparantly, she was expected to
know the rules of fighting around here - not an easy task to one
more accustomed to Anything-Goes Martial Arts. Suddenly it came
to her, a dreamlike voice in her head. The instructions.

"...the Arena Forest..." She spoke the words as she heard them.

"Ah, so you *do* know the protocol. After classes, then." Once
again, this Sayonji character grabbed the girl and strutted off,
almost dragging her along. As they disappeared into the shadows
of a classroom hall, the girl turned to look back at Ukyou. An
angular face, either tanned from constantly being outdoors, tending
the roses in the nearby greenhouse, or perhaps of Indian or African
descent. Ukyou clenched her fist... not only was this Kuno wannabe
a pompous stuffed shirt and a geniune son of a bitch, he might be a
bigot, too? Damn if this guy didn't deserve to get cut down a few

But most of all, Ukyou saw the girl's eyes. Eyes that were nearly
the size of the large round glasses that she wore. Eyes the color
of a stormy sea.

Eyes that pleaded to Ukyou for help.

Fine, then...


Do you know? Do you know?
Have you heard the news?
There's going to be a duel in the forest!

Fighting for a stranger's sake! Careful, don't make a mistake!

There are rules in the forest... do you know what they are?
Do you know? Do you know?

Do I know *what*? I don't even know who *you*two* are! Or
what I'm doing here! Or how I can get OUT! Why don't you tell
me something useful?


This has *got* to me a bad dream...


She had no other guide than that of the dreamlike voices in her head.
But it was enough: here she stood at the gate of the Arena Forest.

"So now what?" She set her spatula against the edge of the monstrous
gate, and tried the latch. "Locked... of course, it would be. So how
does this jerk this we're gonna get it for this duel, anyway?"

Suddenly, the door rippled, as if it were made of water. A single
drop congealed and sprang from the door/pool, striking the pommel
of the spatula. There was a creaking noise, and then Ukyou gave
a start at the rush of many waters behind her. Ukyou turned to
watch a series of cascades pouring behind her. Her attention was
brought forward as a grinding noise, as if from a set of stone gears,
began to move the mammoth doors apart and upward.

The arena was like Dr. Seuss carved in marble. An huge, elegant
spiral staircase leading seven stories to... nowhere. Just a flat
empty space at the top.

But it wasn't really the top. It was the middle. If one could
somehow invert gravity, one could climb down into what looked
like Red Square. Tall towers and spires with onion domes all
pointing down at the duelling field. If only you could...

"Ah yes, 'if'. The most powerful word in language, but useless
when you can't do anything with it."

Ukyou had by now nearly forgotten why she was there. "What on
earth... how does it stay up like that."

Sayonji's mouth twisted into perhaps the closest thing he had to
a smile. "No, you wouldn't have seen this before, now, would you?
It's really no more than a mirage, a dreamscape... a trick of the

"A dreamscape...?" Ukyou shook herself a bit.

The duellist nearly chuckled. "Ah-ah... you won't get rid of me
that easily. In fact, I don't understand how *you* got in, seeing
as you don't even have the Rose Seal."

"The Rose Seal?"

"This," and he held up his hand to display a silver ring with the
same pattern as in the academy's wrought-iron gates, and...

"My spatula!" She beamed as she brandished the pommel so that
Sayonji could see, and he actually flinched. Damn straight you
oughta flinch, you heartless jackass. I'm gonna make you pay...

At the same time, Sayonji had regained his composure. "Anthy!
Prepare us!"

And there she was... that girl again. What was with her?

She was draped in a gorgeous, billowing gown, red as the blood of
martyrs. Her eyes said nothing now, as they were downcast and
nearly closed. She bore two roses, one blue, and white. The blue
one she pinned wordlessly to Sayonji's chest. As she pinned the
white rose on Ukyou, the okonomi-yaki chef was compelled to ask,
"What are *you* doing here?"

"It's the Bride's place to be here... so, she's here." The smile on
Sayonji's face was once again clearly malevolent.

"That Bride schtick again, huh?"

Ukyou was startled to hear a voice other than hers or Sayonji's -
or those voices in her head - "If the rose is knocked from your
chest, you lose the duel." Hmph. So those were the rules. Which
meant she wasn't allowed to kill the bastard. Anthy took a step
back, and continued: "I wish you luck, Ukyou."

Immediately, the girl was knocked to the floor. Ukyou hadn't even
heard him approach. "How dare you! You are the Rose Bride!
What's the meaning of wishing luck to someone else?"

Ukyou stormed over to him "Now look here, you jackass..."

"Forgive me, my Master..." Ukyou nearly dropped her spatula at
Anthy's voice.

"What?! What's wrong with you? You're just going to take whatever
he dishes out?"

"Master Sayonji is the current duelling champion. I have to do
whatever he wants me to."

Ukyou was flabbergasted. "*Whatever*... he... wants...?" She
looked up at her opponant, who wasn't showing even the slightest
bit of shame over any of this.

"Come... let's begin." And he simply walked to his position at the
opposite edge of the floor.

"I suppose I don't get any points for just pushing him off..." Ukyou
mumbled as she walked to her position.


This canNOT be for real. She had just seen a sword materialize
from Anthy's chest, and Sayonji removed it like Arthur pulling
Excalibur from the stone. But this stone was a living, breathing

"Grant me the power..." Heh... doesn't *he* sound like He-Man?
"...to bring the world revolution!"

What kind of battle cry was that? Ukyou wasn't out to change the
world, just to bring this guy down a few notches. Certainly, if he
thought *he* was going to change the world, he raelly needed a
humbling. Ukyou liked the world just fine - well, her world, anyway,
if she could only get back there - and if ny revolution were to take
place, she knew she didn't want *this* joker at the helm.

Bells began to peal violently. All right! It's gotta be my alarm
clock! I'm gonna actually wake up, and everything will be back
to normal, right?


Sayonji charged. All Ukyou had time for was to get her spatula up
and parry his thrust. Damn, it's real enough. And sharp, too.
Thrust, parry. Thrust, parry.

"You're not half-bad, for a girl."

Ukyou growled. "I'm pretty damn good for a guy, too, sugar."

"Oh, yes. The prince on her white horse trying to save the damsel
in distress. Aren't you something." Sayonji pressed in on her,
throwing her to the duelling floor. "You haven't a chance against
the sword of Dios... certainly, not with that oversized pancake-turner."

"Sword of Dios?"

"You don't know of that, either? Now, you have me curious.
Who are you?"

My own damn dream, and nobody knows who I am. The wind blew
a pink lock across her eyes. Then again, neither do I... She
stood up, and hefted the spatula onto her shoulder. "This isn't
over, buster!"

"True enough. If you like, I'll cut the rose from your chest right
now... it's the least I can do, seeing as you had the nerve to
actually face me. But perhaps you just didn't know what you
were up against."

Such an ego! Ukyou charged. Her opponant blinked once, then
lowered his sword like a jousting spear and followed suit. Ukyou
could hear Anthy's gasp, but paid it no heed. All she had to do
was avoid the blade, and...


The Sword of Dios flew into the air, and fell beyond the range
of the duelling floor, falling, falling, falling. Finally, a faint
clatter, and then, silence.

Sayonji was knocked down, spread-eagled on his back on the
duelling floor. His face was red, the mark of the battle spatula's
great blade. Ukyou shouldered her spatula and set her foot on
his chest. "Odd, I believe you called it. Maybe so, but it works,
wouldn't you say? Now, don't move, sugar... you might get hurt."
Although I wish you would. "Fore!"

And wielding the spatula like a golf club, she slashed the rose from
his chest, bare millimetres from tearing his clothes.


Ukyou sighed as she headed back to the place that passed for the
Ucchan in this... what was it? A dream? Another dimension? Such
a strange day... and would it ever end?

"I've been waiting for you, Miss..." Apparantly not. "...Ukyou."


"Waiting for me..."

"Yes. From this day forward, I belong to you. I am the Rose Bride."




Ukyou sat up in bed. Oh Kami-sama... what a dream. But I'm
back, right? The room certainly *looked* normal. That was her
alarm clock, all right. Same violet tinge to the bedroom, same
oversized bed...

Only... she wasn't alone, now. A girl slept beside her. Tanned,
as if bronzed by the sun, with hair that, in the sunlight flowing
into the room and bouncing off the walls, seemed vaguely purplish.
And on the nightstand behind her, a pair of eyeglasses.

Terrified, Ukyou charged into the bathroom. Please, dear Kami,
don't let it be pink!


*sigh* I needed to get this off my chest. I actually *did* fall asleep watching the first Utena tape, way back when... not that the rest of it happened. Pity... I think I might have handled it well...

This is gonna be all there is to it, I think. Hey, I've got the Nerima Home Companion series to work, plus Kami alone knows how many other unfinished concepts. This looks to me perfect for a stopping point. (which gives you a rough idea when I wrote this)

Unless someone else wants to take it and run with it. Someone who actually knows something about Revolutionary Girl Utena (or would that be Revolutionary Girl Ukyou?) Any takers?

Itsu mo,
Ucchan ^_^