Hey, guys! So, I know that this is late, but here it is: the final chapter of Maybe Someday.
My AN will be at the bottom, but I hope you like it. :)
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things were meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life too
'Cause I can't help falling in love with you
"Can't Help Falling in Love" by Twenty One Pilots
I look over at Jace, who's staring at me intently—studying me, almost, in scrutinizing detail. He's frowning slightly, as if I'm a complicated puzzle missing a few pieces. I think he's finally about to give up, though, hence the what's wrong? question he uttered a few seconds ago.
I shrug. "It's stupid."
"Tell me," he says immediately.
I smile. I like that about him—that he doesn't take it's stupid/silly/dumb as an answer. That he always wants me to say more. Because I'm not the kind of person to just blurt it all out, despite how much I may want to, in fear of being annoying or overly complicated or something that I most likely am but wish not to be.
"It really is dumb, though."
"Then enlighten me on your stupidity."
I roll my eyes but can't help but smile wider until my smile turns into a grin and I have to hide my face. I'm slightly delirious. We've been driving for, like, ten hours, and I feel like I might die, but whatever.
Jace and I are both moving into college. I move in later today (in about two hours, to be exact), and he moves in tomorrow. It's kind of exciting and terrifying and I don't think it has sunk in yet. Like, yes, we're on our way to Chicago, and, like, yes, I have a bunch of suitcases and dorm stuff and crap that I can visualize in my dorm perfectly, but I don't see myself actually living there, I don't think. Either that, or people build it up to be something that it isn't. We'll see.
"I just feel like…" I shake my head. "It's stupid, but I just feel like maybe I don't wanna do this as badly anymore. It's been my dream forever, I know, but it's scary! Why do I have to dream about scary things? And, like, I'm gonna be so far away from my family. Which, yes, is this whole thing's appeal, but it's also kind of scary, if you think about it. And my friends! I'll be so far from Iz and Si and Seb and Maia and Lily and—"
"Breathe," he reminds me, wrapping an arm around me while keeping the other one on the steering wheel. He glances at me for a second before his eyes land on the road. "Listen, Clary, it's perfectly okay for you to be scared about this right now. Yeah, you've wanted it for a long time, and it'll definitely benefit you in the long run, and I'm happy that we're gonna be together, but it's also scary. You'll be pulled out of your comfort zone. Your friends aren't gonna be there. And you've never been through any of that. You don't know how things are gonna change. And that's okay. You're okay."
"You should be a motivational speaker," I mutter, leaning into him. "Thank you."
"I'm just scared."
I look up at him. "I'm glad I have you."
He looks at me and kisses the top of my head, his eyes shifting between me and the road. Me and the road. He doesn't want us to die, but he wants to look at me too. "Me too."
Our parents are a few cars behind us. Well, our moms are, anyway. They're sharing a car. They both thought it'd be a great way to get to know each other, but we're both secretly dreading that. Whatever. Neither one of us is strongly influenced by them, so we'll be fine.
"What do you think they're talking about?"
"Swapping baby stories, probably."
"I know," I tell him. "My mom loves to embarrass me."
"Don't I know it."
"So." I look over at him. "Aren't you nervous?"
He shrugs. "A little."
"But not a lot."
"Not a lot," he confirms.
I sigh. "You and your stupid confidence."
"Yes, we do lack brainpower, but we're useful in many other ways."
"You can show me those later."
I hide my smile as music blares from the car's speakers. Our favorite song—one could argue that it's our song, really—begins playing, and we look at each other with wide eyes as the anticipation builds up inside of us. We always sing along to it, no matter what.
Sometimes something beautiful happens in this world
You don't know how to explain yourself
So you just gotta sing
I just had sex
And it felt so good
A woman let me put my penis inside her
I just had sex
And I'll never go back
To the not having sex ways of the past
We sing along, looking at each other with ridiculous faces. I try to keep a straight face as I attempt to dance along to the music in the car.
Have you ever had sex?
I have, it felt great
It felt so good when I did it with my penis
A girl let me do it
It literally just happened
Having sex can make a nice man of the meanest
Never guess where I just came from
I had sex
If I had to describe the feeling
It was the best
When I had the sex
Man, my penis felt great
And I called my parents right after I was done
Didn't see you there
Guess what I just did?
Had sex, undressed
Saw her boobies and the rest
Was sure nice of her to let you do that thing
Nice of any girl ever
Jace nods at the line "I wanna thank you all for letting us fuck you" and looks at me meaningfully, which makes me burst out laughing. He does it every single time, and it makes me lose it.
"So listen," I tell Jace as the next song begins playing. "After my parents leave—"
"I'll come right over," he says.
I smile. "Good."
I was scared of dentists and the dark
I was scared of pretty girls and starting conversations
Oh, my friends are turning green
You're the magician's assistant in their dreams
And they come unstuck
Lady, running down to the riptide
Taking away to the dark side
I wanna be your left hand man
I love you when you're singing that song
And I've got a lump in my throat
'Cause you're gonna sing the words wrong
This song always makes me smile, and seeing Jace sing it while glancing over at me makes my heart sing the words too. I know that there's a lot we haven't done, a lot we haven't been through, and that this is just the start of our story. At least I hope so, anyway.
But, either way, I've learned that being with him is the best feeling. I feel butterflies sometimes, sure, but the most important part about being with him is that I'm comfortable. Being with him is like coming home after a long day and being able to sit back and sigh and close your eyes. Being with him is like listening to your favorite song, the one that is always stuck in the back of your head, or watching your favorite movie. It never gets old, and it always makes you feel happy.
He reminds me of everything I always forget. He reminds me to eat when I'm too focused on something else, reminds me to have some water when I'm on my billionth cup of coffee, reminds me to take a break whenever my hands are getting cramped up. He reminds me of other stuff, too: that it's okay to give up sometimes, that the things I've been through and the things people have said to me and the way people have treated me will not determine who I am in the end. He is my reminder, today and tomorrow and forever, that I make my own choices now.
We keep singing along to whatever song comes on until we reach Chicago, exhausted and delirious and feeling like death. Jace's parents go check in at a hotel while Jace, Mom, Luke, and I go check in at my dorm. Once I finally get my room key and all the info, we get a cart from the ones that're being handed out at the lobby.
"Okay," I say. "Mom, Luke, you guys unload everything. Jace and I will unpack upstairs. After that, you guys can come help. Is that good?"
"Sounds great," Mom says. "Go get the room opened up and whatnot."
Jace and I take the elevator to my room, which is on the sixth floor of the dorm. I have a single room, thankfully; I didn't want to deal with a roommate.
"Wow," he says. "This is nice."
"Mhmm." I walk over to the bed and sit on the mattress—which is, as expected, uncomfortable as heck. "Come here."
"Your parents will be up any second."
"It's nothing dirty." I part my legs so that he fits between them and look up at him, biting my lip.
He reaches down and kisses me softly. I smile and lean my head on his chest.
"Are you happy?" he asks me.
Yes. Yes. "Yes."
"Good." He kisses the top of my head. "Okay, we need to get ready to unpack."
I groan. "This is better. I'm tired."
"I know. Come on."
I groan as he manages to get me to stand up. My parents show up, and we all unload the cart on my bed and watch as the two of them wheel it back down for round two of gathering all of my shit. Jace and I start unpacking silently. I think we're both too tired to say anything, and I think that's fine.
By the time the second cart comes up, Jace says, "I'm gonna take off. I know you two probably want your alone time with Clary." He turns to face me. "See you later?"
I nod. "I'll walk you out," I say, which is literally just the easiest way for me to say I want to kiss you, but not in front of Luke and my mom. And I do kiss him, and then he's off, and now I'm with my parents. Which is kind of weird.
We finish unpacking all of my crap in five hours, and, by then, I feel as if though I might crash. Between making sure everything is in place and sending Isabelle, Simon, Maia, Seb, and Lily pictures of the progress, I am exhausted. My bed is looking mighty comfortable right now.
But Mom and Luke want to have dinner before they head back, so I head out with them. We eat at a pizza place. Well, they eat, anyway. I mostly pick at my food and try to figure out how goodbye is going to work while also wishing I could sleep on all of this.
Mom and Luke mostly talk about how beautiful the university is, and how nice my dorm is, and how my RA was so nice, and they use that word over and over again until I feel like my head is going to explode. But I let it happen. I'm not gonna be snappy and rude. I need to be patient. I'm not gonna see him for a good long while, and this is the best we've gotten along, so I'm letting it happen.
After dinner, the three of us walk back to my dorm in silence. I have one headphone in, and a Paramore song is playing as we reach my building.
"Well," my mom says. "I just want to say that I wish you the best. These four years are going to be amazing for you, Clary, and I just hope that you take advantage of them. Be careful and careless. Be ambitious. Be ruthless. And kind. And I'm just a phone call away."
For some really weird reason, I squeeze tighter when she hugs me, even though I don't reply. I just say that I will after she tells me to be something. She tells me she loves me, and, when we pull away, I see that she's crying.
"Bye, Luke," I say, hugging him,
"Take care, Clary. And I'm always here if you need anything. Love you, kid."
"You too. Bye, guys."
I wave at them before entering my building. I smile at everyone, all the way from the entrance of the building to my floor. Once I'm in my room, the door locked and all, I take off my shoes, walk over to my bed, and just lie down.
Should I come over? Jace texts me.
I love him. I really do. But I want to spend tonight by myself.
So I tell him no. I take a shower, change into my pajamas, and go back to bed. I look out the window and at the city. When I start feeling sleepy, I turn on the AC.
I'm excited. I'm not going to lie. Excited and terrified and anxious and happy. I am ridiculously happy. I'm independent. I got away from home. And I'm crazy in love with my best friend. I'm in a new city, going to my dream school, and the world is stretched wide in front of me, inviting me to explore every possibility it has to offer.
And I plan on taking its hand and finally living.
**The songs in this chapter are, in order of appearance: "I Just Had Sex" by The Lonely Island and "Riptide" by Vance Joy**
This is going to be lengthy, but important.
Thank you so much to my beta, IWriteNaked, for being with me throughout this entire story. Through all my "what do I do?" crises, through the planning, the ever-present struggle of finding a song for the chapters...thank you. But you're also an amazing friend. You've been there through some of the most important moments of my life, and you're always supportive and attentive, and I couldn't ask for a better friend. Thank you. Love you, homeboy.
Thank you to DeathCabForMari for being one of the most supportive, caring people I know. You are an amazing friend, mother, wife, and overall person. Thank you for the million essays you've read, for the advice you've given me, for being like a mom to me in many ways. Thank you for always supporting me. I love you.
Thanks to spikeyhairgood for being the big sister/asshole aunt I never had. You're always there to listen to me through my many crises, whenever I'm feeling down, whenever I'm too happy, whenever I'm mad...you're always there. I love you, WS Clary. :))
Thank you to LuckyasLockhart, clarissa adele herondale, and clarissadele for being such homegirls all the time and listening to me rant about my problems and always being there for me and supporting me and my writing. You're all so patient and kind, and I don't know what I'd do without you.
To my Musical Guest, who I know I've been neglecting lately: I've been crazy busy, but I finally made time to listen to all of the songs I missed. Miss Jackson and Little Talks were already two of my faves, but I adored Flawless, Harlem, and New Year. Flawless reminds me a lot of a friend's current situation. I'm planning on using all of them at some point for something, because I really did love them. I wasn't as crazy about Recover, but it's a catchy song! Anyway, thank you so much for all of your music recs; they were incredibly helpful and always, always welcome and appreciated. :)
That being said, this story was incredibly important for me to write. It's the most personal one out of all of them, so it's been scary and exciting to share it with you guys. I know that it was a drawn-out story, and that it was frustrating in a lot of ways, but it was so important for me to get it all down right now, and I'm so glad I did. Thank you all for reading and following these characters' journeys. Thank you for making it to the end. Your support means the world to me.
I'm going to miss Maybe Someday (I already do!), but I'm also excited to move on to new things. My new story, The Head and the Heart, is up. It's a two-part story, and I'm ridiculously excited about it, so I hope you check it out!
Thanks again for being here throughout this journey. I love you guys.