if this goes the way i want it to, there are two more parts of the series...which i won't say much about!


Chapter 1

Proposal Propositions


"Hummel, I have to talk to you about something."

"I do too—in fact, forget about whatever the hell you were going to tell me and explain to me why you decided to set my underwear on fire."

"You never wear any, so I just decided to put it to good use."

"How is setting my underwear on fire 'putting it to good use'?"

"By entertaining me and like half of Lima for half an hour. I went from the underwear that you haven't really worn at all to the undies that you wore like when I forced you to. I even remember the one that you were supposed to be wearing for when you got to that boat ride and like—the rift thing happened and you mooned everyone. Best date ever."

"Next time, I will just decide to spontaneously burn you in front of half of Lima. How is that?"

"Oi, I'm hot. I don't think there is a possibility I can get hotter than I am now. Thus, your plan will fail."

"Wait, why am I threatening you with combustion? When I could just decide to somehow sent pictures of you in Rachel Berry's wedding dress to every person I know?"

"You wouldn't."

"I so would."

"Fuck, Hummel, and just to think about what I was going to tell you."

"I don't want to hear about it, unless it you just did a few operations that involved them confirming the fact that you do have a heart, and that your lungs aren't completely and utterly destroyed from all the smoke you've been putting in them."

"Can't help it. I look in the mirror and I'm smoking hot. Burns me on the inside."

"I cannot deal with the amount of heat and combustion related topics in this conversation."

"I'm serious—I have to talk to you. About like…important things."

"No football or hockey or soccer or anything match is important for the last bloody time."

"No, this is like…seriously important. Like…the-world-is-going-to-end-tonight-if-I-don't-say-this important."

"Last time you said that, you confessed to your love of Brad Pitt and how you couldn't hold it in anymore."

"In my defence, like, I'm not a Brad Pitt guy…except I totally am. Fuck. He's so hot and beautiful and I'm…well, hotter and more beautiful. Thus, I cannot stoop down to his level—oh wait. I'm with you. What the hell am I talking about?"

"What's wrong with me? Am I not better than Brad Pitt?"

"Of course you're not better than Brad Pitt. He's all hot and tight and sexy, and you're…well, you're a ferret."

"…I suggest that you tell me whatever it was that you wanted to tell me before I genuinely do start to plan out how I'm going to combust you and in what gas I'm going to do it in."

"Um, okay…"

"Are you sweating?"

"No."

"You're nervous."

"Fuck off."

"What is it?"

"…what's like the best proposal thing for you? And what is your ring size? It is totally unrelated to me thinking about getting married to you. Nope. Nothing."

"I'm not getting married to you."

"Hummel, I'm not going to propose. I'm just curious."

"Your bodily functions tell me that you are thinking of proposing. The answer is no."

"So…?"

"No, you didn't just discuss this right now, Sebastian! You did not pop the question in my kitchen for fuck's sake! If you did, I would've combusted you for tactlessness."

"So…I know the kitchen is out…so…"

"No. I do not want to get married. Not to you. Not to anyone. Not ever. I am twenty-two years old, Sebastian. I am not ready for that kind of commitment."

"Well, I'm not ready to see your face but I still do every day, Hummel."

"You know if you get married to me you do have to see my face every day, right? This proposal idea of yours is a terrible idea."

"…"

"Sebastian? Are you actually upset about this?"

"No."

"You are upset."

"No."

"Then why won't you look at me?"

"Because I burned off your underwear and you can't wear any right now. I feel sorry for the cashier that has to watch you pick up your canned soup crap when you drop it."

"You are such a child… but let's say, and this is all hypothetical. I'd want a proposal that can triumph all of the romance novels that you can think of and my ring size is 8 and a ½. That ½ is crucial. I want a ring so expensive you'll doubt the thought of marrying you when you do get it. So, you will not propose because you are going to doubt the thought of getting married to me. The end."


xo Peanut Butter/Sam