If I Only Had A…
A Tenchi Muyo Songfic
Note: This occurred to me as I was going back over some lines from my previous works. Not meant to be taken seriously by any means.
Disclaimer: I don't own Tenchi Muyo or the Wizard of Oz.
In the Okayama region of Japan, young Tenchi Masaki swept the multitude of steps that connected the shrine higher up the mountain with the valley below.
Tenchi sighed. "This is a waste of time. I mean, the steps are outside, for crying out loud! They always get dirty again right after I finish!" He stopped sweeping, and briefly considered smashing the broom over his knee. So satisfying…I could just end the eternal drudgery right now.
After several seconds of internal debate, he decided against it; as pointless and boring as his current workload was, he knew that Katsuhito could be a slave driver if he put his mind to it. Tenchi continued the sweeping, muttering to himself. "Yeah, I can just hear him right now." He deepened his voice and spoke in a raspy manner, making for a passable imitation of his grandfather. "The sweeping is not an exercise in cleanliness, Tenchi. It provides you an opportunity to puzzle over the secrets of life." He ceased his sweeping again. His voice returned to its normal tone. "Yeah, I'll tell you what I'm thinking! I'm thinking, 'Why the hell are you wasting my time, Grandpa!?' Someday, I'm going to tell that old man what I think!" Tenchi swept angrily for a few moments, and then sighed. "Ah, don't kid yourself, Tenchi. You'd never do that. If only…"
Tenchi, surprised by the noise, spun around and held the broom in a defensive position. He ignored the fact that a broom was not likely to be much of a threat to the opponents he faced on a regular basis. He glanced around, looking for the source of the sound. His eyes caught sight of the small, brown creature standing on a higher step so that they were roughly eye to eye.
Tenchi gave a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's just you, Ryo-Ohki. Here, I saved you something from lunch." He reached into the pocket of his robe, pulling out a cylindrical object. The briefest glimpse of orange sent the cabbit into hysterics, and Tenchi practically had to pry Ryo-Ohki from his leg. "Hey, down girl! Here you go." He handed the carrot to the cabbit, sending the creature into a fit of euphoria as it devoured a vegetable nearly as large as it was.
Tenchi suddenly remembered his train of thought. He grumbled, "I just wish the others were so easy to please."
Ryo-Ohki, having eaten the carrot, looked up at Tenchi with a look of concern on her face (or maybe it was indigestion. It's hard to tell with cabbits.) "Miya?"
Tenchi went back to his sweeping. "Everyone wants something from me, y'know? And I know that if I just stood up to them, I could get some measure of control in my life. If only…"
Ryo-Ohki's "Miya" seemed to ask, "If only what?"
"If only… I had a spine."
Suddenly, a massive scene change occurred. Tenchi suddenly found himself in a field of corn, dressed in an old set of overalls and a red and white plaid shirt. He also had a wheat stalk in his mouth and a straw hat on his head.
Ryo-Ohki blinked. When had she changed to her humanoid form? And where had the blue and white dress come from? In perfect English, she said, "What would you do if you had a spine?" Myah myah myah? (Translation: Where did THAT come from?)
Suddenly, Tenchi felt something stir within his chest. Happy, upbeat music spewed from the very air around him. He suddenly felt the words to express his anguish and torment that afflicted his soul.
Tenchi: I would stand up to Ayeka and say, "I don't wanna take ya,
To the festival this time."
And Ryoko's head she'd be scratchin', as I took some act'al action,
If I only had a spine!
I'd be alone when I was dressin', and only get attention,
When the intit'ative was mine.
Ah life would be so grand, when I took it by the hand,
If I only had a spine!
(Tenchi sits down. Ryo-Ohki gets on his lap.)
Tenchi: (To Ryo-Ohki)
When the sins you stop forgivin', that's when you'll start to livin',
if you only had a spine.
Ryo-Ohki: Myah myah! (Hey bub, it's YOU that's having the issues with asserting yourself!)
Tenchi (ignoring angry mewing):
Oh, I could quash my fear, of just goin' to the store,
I'd not have to hide from women anymore!
I'd no longer get such pity, from wimps like Ikari Shinji,
I wouldn't have to whine.
I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-berry,
If I only had a spine!
There was another swirl of dust, and Tenchi and Ryo-Ohki were right back where they started. Tenchi sighed again. "However, seeing as how I don't have a spine, I guess I should get back to sweeping." And he did so.
Meanwhile, a single thought plagued Ryo-Ohki's simple mind.
What the hell is a ding-a-berry?
I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did!