A Humour Fic by Stormy
Notes: I got this idea from a fic I read a long time ago that was completely written in personal ads. Well, the chat-room ideas have been done to death, so I figured I'd try Instant…Owling? ^^
What were you thinking, picking a fight with Blondie like that? Just because he can't control his mouth doesn't mean you have to lose control of your fists! Now you have a detention – so much for getting together tonight. In fact, no get-together's for a while. Think about that next time you ruin our date because of your temper.Brainiac
Don't you think you were just a little hard on the poor kid? You know as well as I do that Blondie started the fight. Detention is one thing, but deliberately setting it for the night he had a date with his girlfriend was really harsh.Moony
You've got to help me! You heard what that arrogant little brat said – how was I supposed to know that Slimeball was behind me? Now the Brainiac's mad at me. HELP!Flame-Boy
Quit blaming me for your problems! It's not my fault you're more sensitive then a pregnant Muggle! So you'll miss your date huh? Sucker! Enjoy detention!
Dragon (I am NOT going to be called Blondie)
I do not interfere with your classes. I'll thank you to keep your nose out of mine. I handle punishments as I see fit, and do not require nor desire your comments or input. And if you refer to me by that childish handle again, you will regret it.
Maker-Of-Wolfsbane (and withholder of it too)
Sorry mate – not much I can do. Even if Blondie started it, Slimeball saw you. I guess I could talk to Brainiac for you though.Four-Eyes
Neat nick, huh? Or does it bring up too many memories of last year's tournament? Anyway, I suppose you heard about Flame-Boy's detention. That prat! Can't he ever keep his temper under control? I'm glad I have at least one friend who can keep a rational thought in his head!Bookworm
I'll call you whatever I want! It's YOUR fault I'm in trouble to begin with! You're going to be sorry for this, you little git.Flame-Boy
Aren't you being a little hard on Flame-Boy? You know what Malfoy's like.Four-Eyes
Why is Harry sending me these cryptic messages that disappear after being read and use these odd nicknames? Is this some new fad I missed out on? FILL ME IN! I can't STAND not being in the know!Still-Padfoot
No, Seeker, I can not ask PotionPower to change Flame-Boy's date of detention. He did bring it upon himself, no matter the circumstances. It is completely unacceptable for a student to physically harm another. Do remember the tryouts next week – we need a new keeper. And find out whoever gave me this dreadful nickname. I can't change it for some reason. I suspect either Double-Trouble-Part-1-and-Part-2 charmed it.Pretty-Kitty
What did Brainiac say? Did she mention me? Will she forgive me? I tried to ask The-Littlest-Redhead but she kicked me out of the girls dorm before giving me an answer.Flame-Boy
Threatening to withhold the Wolfsbane potion is a dirty trick. And you accuse me of being childish? What's with the Indian names?Puppy-Power
I'd like to see you try anything while stuck in the dungeons, scrubbing floors! Maybe I should try and convince Peeves to stop by during your incarceration and get him to drop a few tons of mud from the lake just as you finish – you know PotionPower will make you stay and do it over. Hmm…Now there's an idea…
Yes I know what Blondie's like. We ALL know what he's like. You'd think RED would know that! What does Snuffles think of this system anyway?HOH-Reader
It's a new way of communicating, developed by Bookworm and The-Littlest-Redhead (what an original nick that was, eh?). They got the idea from a Muggle invention called 'Instant Messaging' only they call it 'Instant Owling'. You can only use nicknames, a privacy thing I guess. Bookworm made it so that if you know the correct spell, you can change someone else's handle. It's driving some people up the wall, especially those who haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet. Like poor Pretty-Kitty. Are you coming up for a visit soon?Puppy-Power
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am SO sorry that we missed our date. I'd been looking forward to it and I ruined it. Forgive me? Please? Pretty please?Under-Control
How did he look? Was he miserable? I need details girl!Knowledge-Is-Power
I know it is you that charmed my nickname. Remove it at once or you shall spend the rest of the Quidditch season warming the bench. I am the Head of Gryffindor – I can do this.Pretty-Kitty
You'd better not keep Moony's potion! That's cruel, even for you! You're not the only one that can threaten – remember Snape-sicles from Third Year? I'm sure Double-Trouble would love THAT particular spell.PrankMaster
You even TRY that and I'll convince Four-Eyes to get Moony to show us the 'Bouncing Ferret' spell. Look forward to THAT!CheckMate
She's still pretty mad. Must have been a special date you two had planned. I'm glad it's not ME she's mad at. ^^ Aren't you supposed to be in detention right now?Prongs Jr
You dare to threaten me? Please. Now if you'll excuse me, as amusing as I find your attempts to communicate with others at a level above barbarianism grunts, I'm sure I can find something more interesting to do, like watching the grass in the courtyard grow.MixMaster
Yeah, he was pretty miserable. Are you ever going to forgive him? Call it blood ties, but I hate seeing him so upset. He wouldn't be taking it this hard if he didn't really care.The-Littlest-Redhead
It's about time you caught on! Getting slow in your old age? Just kidding. Moony's been hinting at a special visit sometime soon. I can't wait to see you!The-Fifth-Marauder
Cool nick. It wasn't THAT special a date – just one we've been postponing since SOMEONE who shall remain nameless, keeps getting into trouble. And yes, I am in detention but Grease-Ball isn't here.Carrot-Top
We have no idea why you're accusing us. Surely you can't believe we would give you such an undignified nickname and then prevent you from changing it? Never! We're offended at the very idea!Double-Trouble-Part-1-and-Part-2
Are you really? Under control, I mean. Or are you in control until you see Blondie again? And why are you owling me now? Aren't you supposed to be in detention?Bookworm
That 'Bouncing Ferret' is yesterday's joke. Try learning some new material – I'm sure FrizzleTop is smart enough to hammer a new thought in your head.
On second thought, maybe not. I don't think anyone's that smart.Rich-And-Loving-It
OLD? ME? NEVER! Yes, I'm coming to see you, you smart-mouthed little brat. You're lucky I happen to love you kiddo, otherwise you'd pay for that 'old' crack.
I don't like that handle. I hereby dub you the fourth marauder. That &%^@%^%@! doesn't deserve that title.Young-At-Heart
Yes, I'm going to forgive him. ^^ Sorry – he's so cute when he's begging!Curlz-N-Frizz
I thought you hated this name since Blondie gave you it? Why're you using it? And it's NOT my FAULT that a pack of loony wizards are always trying to kill me! It's not like I ask them to, you know!Boy-Wonder
I promise I will not attack DE-In-Training the next time I see him. But if he makes one 'Mudblood' comment, all bets are off.Carrot-Top
Keep your fireplace lit for me – I'm in town. ^^ Did you miss me?God-Of-Mischief
It has been brought to my attention that you are owling others while you are supposed to be scrubbing the Dungeon floor. Thank you. I did need someone to scrub cauldrons tomorrow night.MixMaster
Love you too. ^^ And I accept my name change. Though you may have to change Rat-Boy's name – Future-Head-Girl and Diary-Prone charmed the system to keep out the foul language – it was the only way the teachers would let them set it up.The-Fourth-Marauder
I *know* you charmed my name to stay this way. And I know somehow you told Lives-For-Grease what I was doing. Watch your back, that's all I have to say.Carrot-Top
By the way, Sirius has finally caught on. I think he likes this new system of yours.Four-Eyes
Of course not – it's been so peaceful ^^ Fire's ready and waiting. So's Boy-Wonder – he's been looking forward to this. If only Flame-Boy didn't have detention…I wonder if FrizzleTop's forgiven him yet?Were's-Do-It-With-Style
I accept that. ^^ Now get back to work, you – I don't want you getting in more trouble. XOXOWeasley's-Girl
If you didn't charm my name, then who else would have the audacity to do so? I suggest to you gentlemen, that it would be in your best interests to resolve this. Now.Pretty-Kitty
Help me! Brainiac just forgave me – just after Spy-Guy gave me another detention for owling! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!!!!!! But thanks for fixing my name.Dead-Red
Who are YOU kidding? And what did Flame-Boy do to FrizzleTop? I thought they were all lovey-dovey since this summer. That's what Boy-Wonder told me, anyway. Am I out of the loop again?Mischief-Maker
Enjoy scrubbing those cauldrons tomorrow. ;)Rich-And-Loving-It
Just wanted you to hear from me first before anyone else. Please remember that Flame-Boy cares about you very much. It was an accident. I'm sure he'll be thinking of you tomorrow while he's scrubbing those cauldrons.Friend-Of-Future-Head-Girl
Aren't you proud of us? We didn't discover who charmed your name, but we did manage to change it for you. ^^ We hope you like it. See you at the Keeper tryouts!The-Wizarding-Wonders
Exaggerate THAT. Flame-Boy got a detention with MixMaster and had to cancel a date with Brainiac. She was not pleased. See you later.Beast-Master
Thank you for the help. Next time, just hand her a knife. It will be less painful.Dead-Red
Aw, Come on – you can't stay mad at Big-Red forever. It was only one detention. Friends forgive and forget. Unless they're rats. And then they bite their heads off.
Love this new system!Padfoot
Just thought I'd ask: are the words "Greasy Git" supposed to be scribbled all over your blackboard?Dragon-Lord
What an apt choice of a name! I can't believe you did it again! BEHAVE YOURSELF! Are you trying to get out of every having to see me again? 'CAUSE YOU'RE DOING A GODDAMN GOOD JOB!Pissed-Off-Future-Head-Girl
I would step very carefully tomorrow lest one or both of you be transfigured into garden slugs. I am not amused.The-Cat's-Meow
I am going to get you for this.Big-Red
I have a request from Big-Red. I need a special spell that I'm sure all you DADA teachers know. Let me add a privacy charm first.
Can you do it?Boy-Wonder
I don't even want to know about the head-biting thing. And you're right – I can't stay mad forever.
I can sure as hell try though.Frizzle-Top
THE WORLD'S COMING TO AN END! Look out the Astronomy Tower window for me – tell if me you see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Hermione just swore at me!
I think I'm in love.Flame-Boy
Coming through the fire now wolf-boy! Watch out for flying soot!PrankMaster
I'm shaking in my one-of-a-kind, leather dragon-hide boots that would cost your father a year's pay to buy! Get over yourself – you couldn't 'get me' as you so eloquently put it, if your life depended on it.Potions-Prodigy
Thank you for the warning. We at Weasely's Wizarding Weezes appreciate it. ^^The-Wizarding-Wonders
You guys up got a minute? I need you to run a little errand for me – take the bag Hedwig's going to bring you and follow the instructions. Then I need you to sneak down to the dungeons.Boy-Who-Pranked
It was an accident! I didn't mean to get a second detention! I was too busy trying to apologize to notice Blondie ratting me out! You aren't really going to stay mad, are you?Hopefully-Not-So-Dead-Red
I just saw what Moony and Boy-Wonder sent you! Do it! Do it!
Snuffles, are you TRYING to get them in trouble?
Then why'd you give them the spell, Moony?Moony-And-Padfoot
You think you know it all, don't you? I know you've been ratting me out – you'll get yours. That's not a threat – that's a promise!Flame-Boy
Fine. I forgive you. But one more detention and I give up. Please? Just get along for the rest of tonight with no more trouble?Tired-Future-Head-Girl
Packaged received. Absolutely splendid! Would Moony be offended if we used this in a future product?Two-Of-A-Kind
Sir, I just heard something strange down here near your office. Are you keeping animals down here?Sweepin-And-A'-Moppin' Sweepin-And-A'-Moppin': What on earth are you babbling about? Of course I don't keep animals near my office. Do I look like the DADA teacher to you? Never mind, I shall look into it. Stay out of my office. MixMaster
I suppose it's all right – as long as you never tell anyone it was from me. No one. Especially The-Cat's-Meow. You do realize she's going to turn you into gnomes?Howling-At-The-Moon
Put my name on it! I don't mind! And take pictures!Snuffie-Kins
If you're done with detention, you might want to leave quickly. Potions-A-Brewing is heading your way. Did it work?Scar-Face
Sir, I know you said not to go into your office, and I didn't. But Lady-Norris caught wind of something. Sir – why is there a ferret scratching at your door?Chains-Make-Good-Punishments
The twins won't stop laughing. All I can make out is 'Malfoy' and 'got it'. What did you do?Bookworm
I *know* you had something to do with this! You and those two idiots! When I change Dragon-Child back and get solid proof, you will serve detention for a month!Potions-A-Brewing Howling-At-The-Moon: We hereby join Double-Trouble in their worship of you and the Marauders. That was bloody brilliant! Flame-Boy and Four-Eyes Mischief-Maker:
Hope you enjoy the pictures. Doesn't Blondie make an adorable ferret? Too bad it wasn't permanent.Double-Trouble
You did that to me! I know it! When my father hears of this, you'll all be expelled!Dragon-Lord
Double-Trouble, Flame-Boy and Four-Eyes:
Excellent work all of you! Moony and I are making you all honorary Marauders along with Four-Eyes. That picture is getting blown up and framed! You're right – Blondie makes a lovely ferret!
This is Moony – it was just the one dose you made right?Moony-and-Padfoot
Do you doubt us? Why, we'd never leave our products lying around for just anybody. The very idea.Two-Of-A-Kind
Help! Oh help! My beautiful Lady-Norris! It's horrible – she ate something – I don't know what! But she's a ferret, just like the other one was! She's frantic, poor dearie – just frantic. I need you to change her back for me, please P'rfessor!Sweepin'-And-A-Moppin'
The End ^^