Title: "To Fly"
Author: pandora1017
Rating: R
Content: Incest. Slash. Angst. All that fun stuff.
Characters [and mentions]: [Ohhh... man, if I owned a wrestler... *clears throat* Sorry. I'll just keep dreaming.]
Matt & Jeff Hardy
Shannon Moore
Jay Reso = Christian
Amy Dumas = Lita
Adam Copeland = Edge

Notes: I... I will not justify myself. I make no apologies. It happened, but don't expect to see incest again anytime soon. That said... take this for what it's worth. I admit it's not spectacular and not as angsty as it could be. And it's hokey. Sorry. I... I... I'm so confused.

.

Did you know there's over six billion people on this planet? That's what Matt told me. I believe his exact words were, "Jesus Christ, Jeff! There's over six billion people on this planet - and y'had t'fall in love with me?!"

Yeah. I think that's how he said it. I don't exactly remember, that whole conversation was kind of a blur anymore. What exactly had he said? He had been upset. I guess he had a right to be, but... God, it hurt. I had worked so hard to make it perfect. I was almost too nervous to tell him how I felt. I kinda already knew how he would take it. How could I not? Most men probably wouldn't jump for joy if their brother told them they were in love with them. I would, but they always told me I was weird.

It was a stupid thing for me to do, I know. I'd been planning it all day. I almost had convinced myself that he would see it my way. Dad was visiting family out of town, so I told Matt I'd keep him company in that lonely old house that we grew up in while he housesat. What better place to tell him how much I loved him than in the house I fell in love with him? We had ordered a pizza, like normal brothers. We had rented a movie - The Crow, one of his favorites - like normal brothers. We had been sitting on the floor, in the living room, eating pizza and cracking jokes. Like normal brothers. Then I kissed him.

If I had to put my finger on it, I'd say that's when things got bad.

"What th'hell are y'doin'?" He had shoved me away, his voice sharp. I remember freezing in my place, watching him like a deer watches headlights. His light smile had vanished and his warm, beautiful, brown eyes looked black and cold in the light from the TV. "Ya... y'jus' kissed me, Jeff."

I know, I know I did. There had been a tone of confusion in his voice, although I was sure that he hadn't misinterpreted me. Looking away from me quickly, he had brought his hand to his temple, massaging it roughly, as if the very idea made his head hurt. It probably did.

"I'm sorry," I had muttered, feeling tears in my eyes.

He had lifted his hands, as if he were going to move to cut me off, but didn't really make it that far. He had closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down before speaking. He was upset. "Why'dja do that?"

"I love you, Matt."

"No, no, no!" he had answered quickly, looking up to me and making a cutting gesture with his hands. "I love ya, too, Jeffro, but you're my brother. It's a different kind'a love."

"No, I love y'in th'I want t'spend th'rest of my life with ya kinda way."

He had moved to speak again, but held up one finger instead, telling me to wait. He had started rubbing his forehead, trying to understand something that I knew he wouldn't. I had screwed up again. I should have kept it to myself. I knew that I should have. It was stupid of me to think that he might feel the same.

"Look, Jeff," he had started again, slowly, trying to calm himself down again. "I've been through a lot with you. Y'want t'dye your hair? Fine. I can handle that. Paint y'nails? Y'like men? Great. But I'm y'brother, Jeff. Y'brother."

"Matt... I'm sorry... it's jus'..." The tears were welling up in my eyes all over again, just remembering. I remember chiding myself to stay strong in front of Matt, but it had been impossible.

"Jus' what?"

"It's like y'th'only person who really understands me. Y'love me for who I am, an' y'don't expect me t'change," I had watched him expectantly as he turned slowly to look at me. Was he understanding? Did he realize that he loves me, too?

"What about Jay? Or Amy? I think Shannon's still hung up on you. Lots of people love ya," Matt had implored, trying to convince me with my former flings. A tear fell. He didn't understand. He meant so much more to me than any of those people. They would never be able to love me as candidly as he does. Did. He would never understand. He thought I was a sick bastard now. "Ah, Christ, don't cry, Jeff."

I had wiped away the tear at his command, not looking at him. There hadn't been any sympathy in his voice. He was just disgusted that I was crying over him. More tears followed the first, and Matt just sighed at me. "Y'don't understand, Matt. It's not that I think no one loves me, it's that... I love you. Those people... they loved the flash an' glitter of Jeff Hardy, not the person, who ended up jumpin' through hoops t'keep them happy. Y'know me. Y'know the real Jeff Hardy, without the sparkle, an' y'care about me. Y'always have."

"'Cause you're m'brother!" he had reminded me, sounding annoyed. Then he had sighed, and started again. "Sure, I care f'ya. I do appreciate ya f'who y'are. But not... not that. I love ya like a brother, Jeff. That's all."

I had been crying openly at that point. Normally, Matt would have tried to console me, as he'd done many times before when I used to cry when things were too hard on the road, or when whatever lover had broken up with me. But now he was afraid of me. He wouldn't even touch me. I don't know what Matt was doing while I cried. After a moment, I had heard a shuffling sound, then Matt spoke again.

"How long have y'been thinkin' this?"

I had sighed, and examined my hands. Maybe if I explained myself, he'd understand. This wasn't another passing fancy, I'd never felt this way about anyone before. Maybe if I could explain that to him... "I realized it while ago. When we were in that cage match with Adam an' Jay? Y'got all cut up, an' I hated seein' ya like that. I realized that I care for ya more than jus' as a brother. I honestly didn't want ya t'get hurt more. I know I was supposed t'get back in the cage for the match, but -"

"I'm sorry," Matt had cut me off abruptly. "I can't handle this."

Looking up quickly, I had found Matt standing before me - tall, strong, perfect. He had a blue aura from the TV behind him that made him stand out brilliantly, and his eyes glinted cold and dark. I had flinched at his harsh words, and stopped midsentence, but I could hardly pull myself from watching this gorgeous creature that I could never have. I had tried to speak again, but all I could think to say was 'sorry.' A grimace of anger and frustration had crossed over his face, then he yelled, "Jesus Christ, Jeff! There's over six billion people on this planet - and y'had t'fall in love with me?!"

My eyes had filled with tears again and I felt my lower lip quivering. Matt had sighed, then turned away from me, and the dam burst. I had started crying again, sobbing silently at his feet. I was so pathetic, throwing myself at someone I'd always known I could never have. Matt had started massaging his forehead again, then turned and went towards the hallway to his old room. "Jus' stay away from me, Jeff. Leave me alone."

And that had been it. So many things had gone wrong in so many ways. Not really thinking, I had jumped up and ran the opposite direction as Matt. I ran outside. I ran to a creek down the street from our old house house, where Matt and I used to play as kids. Once I got there, I croutched down on the bank and cried some more. And that's where I was right now, my tears finally slowing enough to let me think. Sadly, my first thought was still of Matt. I could almost hear his voice from when we were kids.

"Hey, Jeff."

I looked up at a bridge where the road crossed the creek. Matt and I used to fish off that bridge when we were little, ignoring the fact that there were no fish bigger than minnows in the creek. We used it as an excuse to just sit around and do nothing when we got bored. I got to my feet and walked towards the bridge, hearing my own childish voice respond to him.

"Yeah?"

The bridge was maybe thirty feet above the rocky creek bed, if that. Almost instinctively, I climbed the rocks up the side of the hill to the bridge. And I heard Matt's young voice again.

"Ok, y'know y'have five minutes t'live, an' y'can do anythin' y'want in those last five minutes. What d'ya do?"

"Fly," I answered, just as I had when I was a kid. I crossed to the center of the bridge and looked down at the water swirling around the rocks below.

"Y'mean, like, in a plane?"

"No, just me."

"Skydivin'?"

"No. Flyin'."

"Y'can't fly, Jeff."

"Why not?"

"'Cause you're a human, an' humans can't fly."

"But y'said I could do anythin'."

"But... well, I meant anythin' that's possible t'do."

"I bet I could fly..." I repeated from the childhood conversation, lifting myself onto the railing and standing with my back to the water. I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. This way, Matt doesn't have to deal with my devient behavior anymore. And Dad... Hell, Dad didn't even know I was gay. If he found out that I was in love with Matt, he'd kill me himself. No, this was the way to go. The water is only about thirty feet down, thirty five from the rail. All I had to do was lean back. Hesitating a moment, I tried to remember what Matt had answered to his own 'What If' question. Oh, that's right.

"I'd want t'hang out with you."

I fell back. Everything seemed to move in slow motion now. I saw millions of the white stars against a black backdrop above me, framed by the tops of the trees that line the creek. Not very surprisingly, the last thing I saw was my brother. What does surprise me, though, is that it wasn't just a figment of my imagination - it was the real thing. He had a look of horror on his face.

No, Matt, I've put you through enough! You shouldn't be here! I don't want you to see me like this...

But it's too late for me to do anything.