L-chan's notes: Inspired by the many Yukito angst fics, I wondered why so few people consider things from Touya's point of view.  Boo-hoo, poor Yuki and all that, and don't get me wrong, I love Yuki, but everyone seems to think that after giving up his magic, Touya just slept for a couple days and then was fine.  I don't think it was that easy.  If I decide to continue this, it could end up as a prequel of sorts to "Shadows", but so far, I have nothing planned out.  I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here.

Disclaimer:  Card Captor Sakura was created by CLAMP, and I love them for it.

What I Didn't Know

Chapter 1—Hangover


I squeezed my eyes shut and rolled over, pulling my comforter over my head.  "Go away," I grunted.  I was tired, so very tired.  I just needed five more minutes of sleep.  Just five more minutes, and then I'd get up for school.


She wasn't going away.  I didn't want to get up.  My whole body was tired and achy, my arms and legs and everything in between.  One of my arms, independent of anything I instructed to the contrary, snaked out from beneath the blankets to grab my alarm clock from the nightstand.  That was as much energy as I had, until I saw the time.  Then I bolted up in my bed.  "It's after four!"  How long had I been asleep?

Sakura was so startled by my outburst that she dropped the cup she'd been holding.  "Hoe!"  The mug didn't crack, but its white liquid contents spilled across the floor, spreading over the wood until it reached the rug, where it began seeping into the wool.  "Oh, no!"  She bent down and vigorously rubbed at the stain with a napkin, but that only made it worse.  She halted her futile efforts to clean the spot and simply clutched the linen napkin in her hands as tears welled up in her green eyes.  "I'm sorry," she whispered shakily.  "I'm so sorry."

It was just a little spilled milk.  Nothing to cry over, as they say.  It wasn't the end of the world or anything.  "Don't worry about it," I said hoarsely.  I hardly recognized my own voice.  It sounded scratchy, like I hadn't used it in a while.  And then I felt it, the throbbing pain at my temples.  It just pounded relentlessly at the front of my brain, as if a sadistic little gremlin with a tiny mallet was happily whacking away and cackling with a twisted sort of glee after every God-awful blow.  I groaned and closed my eyes again.  "What happened?" I asked my little sister.  "I feel like I was hit by a bus and then dragged for three blocks."

Sakura looked up at me from her crouched position on the floor.  "You don't remember?"  There was a tremor in her small voice, and the tears in her emerald eyes—'kaa-san's eyes—began to fall silently. 

I was trying to remember.  There was a hazy jumble of events in my mind, and I tried to put them in the correct order, like a child's learning puzzle.  We'd been at Akizuki's house, working on our movie project.  Then what?   We were doing the scene on the balcony, and that creepy kid, the one with the amazingly powerful aura, was there, and then.... "Yuki," I said.  "Where's Yuki?  Is he okay?"

"He's fine.  He stayed up with you all night until Otou-san told him to go home and get some rest.  Do you remember?"

No, I didn't.  But there were still some fragments drifting through my brain, puzzle pieces waiting to be connected to the rest of the picture.  Let's see... we were on the balcony, and Yuki had passed out again.  Wait, I said that already.  God, my head hurt.  Okay.  So, after that... when he woke up, I told him that he didn't have to hide anymore, that I could help him.

Now I remembered.  "Yue."  He took my power.  Took it!  No, I gave it to him.  To save Yuki.  I had to.  I couldn't let him disappear.  I couldn't lose him.  Not him, too.

"That's right.  Yue-san brought you home.  Remember?"

Not really, but I nodded anyway, which I soon regretted as the pounding in my head increased to drum corps level, my own private marching band banging away in a cruel cadence.

Sakura sat down on the bed next to me and took my hand, and I mentally reached out to her, like I always did.

Only she wasn't there.

There was nothing.

I tried again, but I couldn't feel her aura.  Of course I couldn't.  I didn't have my power anymore, remember, genius?  She was there, but I couldn't feel it.  It was unsettling. 

All I felt was a huge hole.  Just an empty space deep inside of me.

It would probably go away in a few days.  This was probably normal, although I didn't know who to ask to find out.  But now I was like everyone else in the world, everyone without magic, that is, and I'd get used to it.


Sakura squeezed my hand, and she was still crying.  I hadn't seen her cry this much since... well, ever.  "I'm sorry," she said for what must have been the tenth time, and I finally realized she wasn't talking about the spilled milk.  "It's all my fault.  I wasn't strong enough.  Please be okay.  Please."

I reached out with my other hand to pat her on the head, ruffling her short honey-colored hair.  "I'm fine.  See?  Everything's okay."  I continued to pet her like she was a lost kitten as she sniffled, and then she began to hiccup, which under any other circumstances would have made me tease her.  But this wasn't the time.

It was true; she wasn't strong enough.  In a lot of ways.  She was so young, and she was under a huge amount of pressure.  I didn't know exactly what, but I could tell something big was coming, and it was taking so much out of her.  She was preparing and training, and all I knew was that Yue and that stuffed animal had something to do with it, and that gaki, too.

No, she wasn't strong enough.  I was the strong one.  I always was.  I had to be strong for her, for both of us.

She calmed down and wiped her eyes.  "I'd even brought you some milk, like Okaa-san used to make for us.  I thought it might make you feel better."

I seriously doubted that anything could make me feel better.  "Can you get me some more?"  If she felt like she'd been helpful, then she'd stop fussing over me, and I could go back to sleep. 

"Okay!"  Her cheerful tone was forced, but I appreciated the effort.  There was still a worried expression in her green eyes, and she gave me a quick hug before leaving my room.

It was then that I felt a different kind of pain, and I dragged myself out of bed and to the bathroom.  If I'd been asleep since last night, then my poor bladder had probably held on as long as it could.  At least that was one ache I could do something about.  God, I felt terrible.  It was worse than a hangover, and I didn't think I'd be able to just sleep it off.  I searched through the medicine cabinet for some aspirin and washed two of the miracle tablets down with a big gulp of tepid water.

I studied my reflection in the mirror.  I didn't look as bad as I felt, but then, that would have been impossible.  My dark hair was sticking up in the back, and my face was drawn and haggard as if I hadn't slept at all.  My skin looked pallid, and my brown eyes were dull and vacant.  My red pajamas were wrinkled, probably from tossing and turning, since I felt anything but rested, and I idly wondered who had undressed me.  Not Sakura, surely.  Probably 'tou-san.  Or maybe Yuki? 

That would have been weird.

So I wouldn't let myself think about that.

I ran my hands over my hair and splashed some water on my face, because at least I could do something about my appearance while I waited for the aspirin to kick in.

I heard the doorbell as I climbed back into bed, yearning for more sleep, but before I could close my eyes, Sakura was back with a fresh mug of warm milk and honey, and little Tomoyo hung back in my bedroom doorway.  I must have looked confused, because Sakura explained her friend's presence.

"Tomoyo-chan brought my assignments for me."

I looked from one girl to the other.  "You mean you didn't go to school?"

Sakura shook her head.  "Otou-san said I could stay with you in case you needed anything."

She really had been worried.  And I didn't like it, not one bit.  I was supposed to be the strong one.  It was my job as her onii-chan.  She was supposed to need me, not the other way around.  No matter how weak I felt, I couldn't let her see it.  "You should have gone to school, kaijuu.  They're going to hold you back."

I could see her green eyes flash, and I knew she had a good retort ready for me, but she refrained from responding to my teasing and simply held out the mug.  "Don't let it get cold," was all she said.

This wasn't good.  If I needed anything, it was for her to fight with me.  I needed things to be normal.  Maybe in a couple of days.  Maybe then she'd see that I was fine, and then this whole incident would be forgotten.

I took a sip of the milk, and it was then that I realized how cold I was.  It started to warm me, but there was one place it couldn't reach.  That hole again.  I drank the milk faster, trying to chase away the chill.

Tomoyo awkwardly stepped into my room, stopping several paces short of my bed.  "How are you feeling?" she asked in that soft voice of hers.

I felt like hell.  "I'm okay, thanks."  We'd never been close.  We'd never really even talked to each other much.  But she was a caring, polite little girl, and her concern deserved a polite, if vague, response.  She was somehow mixed up in all this, too, but I wasn't sure how much she knew about us.  About me, in particular.

"That's good," she replied, and she gave me a shy smile.  For some reason, that made me feel better than anything else had so far.  She was treating me the same way she always did—kindly and respectfully.  Out of curiosity, I mentally reached out to her, but of course I couldn't feel her, either.  Since Tomoyo didn't possess any magic, her aura was naturally much weaker than Sakura's or Yuki's, but it was still there all the same.  At least, I assumed it was.

I still couldn't believe my power was really gone.

True, it had only been one day, but would I ever get used to it?

I guessed I'd have to.

They say that when you lose one sense, the others become stronger, and that must be the case, because I could hear someone coming up the stairs.  Two someones, in fact.

'Tou-san came into my room first.  He looked incredibly relieved to see me sitting up.  I had a hundred questions for him, none of which I could ask.  Did he know what was going on?  How did he feel when Yuki—or Yue—had carried me home, unconscious?  Was he scared?  Was I going to be okay?  Who had undressed me?  Why the red pajamas?  Why had he let Sakura stay home from school?  Had anyone done my laundry?         

Instead I just smiled weakly and raised my hand in greeting.

It was unusual to see my father struggle for words, but he didn't seem to know what to say.  He didn't have to say anything.  It would be better that way, for now.  So he just put on that serene smile of his and said, "Look who I ran in to."


He looked like I felt.  If he'd gone home to rest, he'd done a damned lousy job of it.  For someone who'd done little else but eat and sleep the past few weeks, except for his little nighttime escapades, he looked like he could drop at any second.

He stepped forward, and it was then that I realized my weary eyes had deceived me.  When he came closer, I saw that he was putting on an act.  For me.  He didn't want to waltz in here, all powered-up, when I was too weak to dress myself.  But I saw it.  It was in his eyes.  Power.  Strength.  Sure, maybe he hadn't slept, but that had only affected his body.  I knew that he was stronger than I was.  From now on, he would be stronger.

I didn't want to see him.

I didn't want to see any of them.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.  He was trying so hard to look pathetic, his big hazel eyes round with concern behind those glasses, the ones I suspected he didn't even need.  But there was a glint of something else.  Whatever part of him was Yue was showing in his eyes, whether he knew it or not.  Taunting me. 

I should have felt sorry for him.  This had to be even harder for him than it was for me.  Everything he'd ever believed had come crashing down around him, and he couldn't possibly understand who or what he really was yet.  What must that be like?  He had this whole other identity, this whole other lifetime that he never knew about.  It had to be confusing, to say the least.  So, yes, I felt sorry for Yuki.

But not for Yue.

Everyone was looking at me.  I hadn't answered.  I wondered if I was scowling, and I tried to smile.  "I'm all right," I finally said.

"Thank God," he whispered.

Now I really felt horrible.  I was so tired, and my head was still pounding.  The makers of the aspirin had obviously lied about their product's effectiveness.  I wasn't thinking clearly, imagining conspiracies and insincerity from someone who meant so much to me.  Someone I'd sacrificed a part of myself to save.

And I'd do it again.

Wouldn't I?

Of course I would.  God, what was wrong with me?

I saw Yuki exchange a look with Sakura, and I wondered what was going on there.  Probably more of whatever she'd been keeping from me.  Well, she couldn't keep it from me anymore.  I was going to demand that she finally tell me what the hell was going on.  I deserved that much.

Everyone had questions.  I could see it.  I had questions, too.  But having them all here was exhausting.  I just wanted to go back to sleep.  I didn't want to talk about what happened.  I didn't even want to think about it.  Not now.  But how was I supposed to tell them that?

I had to be strong.  That's what was expected of me.  

I was surrounded by my family and friends, the little bit that I had.  The people who cared about me.  And I hated it.  I hated the fuss.  I hated being the center of attention.  Anyone else would have been comforted, knowing that the people they loved were there.

But I'd never felt more alone in my life.


Well, the last thing I need is another story to worry about, but it had been niggling at my mind, so...  ^.^;   Thank you for reading, and feel free to drop a review!  Good, bad, or indifferent, any feedback is appreciated.