A/N: Upon the completion of The Way or Chase The Light (depending on what gets done first), the next full length story I'm starting is an Ambrollins one that I've been itching to write for awhile. Until then, a rather not so great head space and little inspiration from Monster by Meg Myers gives us this depressing diddy right here.
It always amazed Dean how he fell into this trap every single time. One would have thought that after watching his mother repeat the same mistakes with her boyfriends over and over again that he would have learned his lesson before he even started dating himself. But that apparently had not been the case. Any time he fell for someone, he fell hard. Too hard. He could never control himself when it came to his emotions. He tried but he failed every time. His emotions got intensified by merely existing. Sometimes he could feed off them, but most of the time they fed off him instead, sucking the life out of him until there was nothing left.
Sami had been the first. Dean had just barely come to terms with the fact that he was into guys when he had fallen for his tag team partner. Sami though, wanted nothing to do with him like that. Not unless he was drunk or super horny and not swimming in other options. He said he didn't care if Dean was a "faggot", but he sure as fuck wasn't one. The day Dean finally snapped and pointed out that Sami liked having his mouth around his cock a little too much to not be at least a little fucking gay had been the end of it. A screaming match had resulted in his nose getting bloody, his heart broken and the end of their friendship. They had been forced to tag together a few times after that, but it had been so awkward that Dean had been relieved when he had gotten signed and was able to leave Sami fully behind.
For Regal it had been a game. Every interaction, whether it was at work or when they were alone, was like a game of chess. Every move Regal made was calculated. Dean couldn't keep up with him. In the ring he could play games. He could do that fine. But outside of it they exhausted him. He wanted what he wanted and what he had wanted then was Regal. He had wanted Regal's acceptance. He wanted Regal's approval. He had wanted Regal to stop playing for a little bit and just want him for him, not the villain he saw inside of him. Once Regal had seen the pathetic creature that he really was, he became disgusted and turned away.
Then there was Seth. Even just his name made Dean's heart skip a beat in his chest. From the moment they had laid eyes on each other he had been hooked. And once upon a time it had been mutual. Despite how their feud had gone down in FCW, Seth had been drawn to him to. He sought Dean out as many nights as Dean sought him out. HIs kisses had been as hungry as Dean's had been. HIs love had run as wild as Dean's. Even though he was more level headed than Dean was, once Dean had gotten in his love had been as raw and wild as Dean's. He had been the one to pull Dean out of his Regal front. He hadn't shunned Dean like the rest of the locker room had. They had come up with the Shield together while they had laid in bed one night, just talking for hours about how they could get up on the main roster. They had wanted it to just be the two of them, but after Dean struck a deal with Heyman to get his help, he had suggested adding more muscle. Seth had recruited Roman, but it had still been their baby. And they had been happy. They had realized their dream of getting up on to the main roster. They had torn through everyone they went up against. They won gold and it had all seemed so perfect.
That probably meant he should have seen the betrayal coming. Nothing good in his life ever lasted. There probably had been signs that it was coming, but love had blinded him to them. The night Seth had pummeled him with the chair was something that still gave him nightmares. The look in his eyes had been chilling. Even when they had fought he had never seen Seth look at him like that. Seth looked like he had hated him. He certainly had beaten him like he felt as such. And Dean still didn't understand. Sure Seth wanted to get personal glory. He was always ambitious and had a ego even bigger than Dean's. But wanting to move on and climb up the ladder hadn't warranted an attack such as that. It hadn't warranted the hatred in his eyes. No. It couldn't have. Roman hadn't gotten the same look. Roman hadn't gotten beaten by Seth the way he did. He had done something to make Seth want to do it to him. He had somehow ruined the only good thing that had ever happened to him.
Dean sighed and tried to make himself more comfortable. He didn't want to think about this. Seth was back in his bed. Seth, for all the things he had said and done in the ring, still had eventually come back to him. But now it was different. Before the betrayal Dean used to be able to feel how fast Seth's heart used to beat when they were around each other. Before the betrayal Dean used to look in Seth's eyes and know he was the only thing in the world that mattered to the younger man. Now though? Now Seth was there because...shit, Dean didn't know. Habit? The sex? It was probably the sex. Seth had made too many jokes about Orton being a lousy lay for it to not be a factor.
Dean's stomach twisted into an uncomfortable knot. It wasn't like he hadn't ever been used before. But having Seth be the one to do it hurt. He loved Seth. Despite everything, he still fucking loved Seth so much. He wished he could stop. He wished he could turn Seth away every time he showed up at his door. But he couldn't. His heart wouldn't let him. He would let Seth in so he could make futile attempts to fix whatever it was that had made Seth stop loving him back.
He slid his arm around Seth's waist and pulled him in. Once upon a time they used to sleep all over each other. Arms and legs would get tangled as they snuggled in. Any space between them was too much. But now there was usually nothing but space. Dean could feel it now even as he pressed himself against Seth's back. It made his heart ache inside his chest. He didn't know what to do anymore. He wanted to fix this but he didn't know how. How had he ruined this? The question kept haunting him. All he had wanted was Seth. Once they got past Regal, Seth had been it. Dean hadn't even so much as thought of anyone else. He had wanted it all with him. A life in wrestling together. A life after it. He tried to ask. He tried to pry Seth open and get something out of him. But Seth wouldn't talk to him. Seth would blow him off or get angry that he was talking. He would look right through him before just coaxing his way into his pants. And it worked every time. When they were wrapped up in each other he could sort of pretend everything was normal. If he closed his eyes and didn't dwell on the fact Seth wouldn't even look at him anymore when they fucked then he could pretend nothing had changed to begin with.
Dean pressed his lips against the tattoos that went down his back. Tears burned his eyes but he tried not to let them fall. He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't keep pretending that he was remotely okay. He wasn't. He hadn't been since the night Seth tore his world apart. He couldn't ever be again. Roman was trying to get him to move on, but there was nothing left to give anyone else. Seth had it all. His heart still beat for Seth. His mind and body still screamed for him. Part of his fucking soul felt like it was missing when Seth wasn't with him. As long as Seth was there, he would still be consumed by him.
Dean slowly pushed himself up to his knees. His hands blindly grabbed at his pillow. His eyes stayed locked on to Seth's face. He couldn't do this anymore. Seth was killing him on the inside. He had to save himself. All he had to do was press the pillow down over his face and keep it there. Seth would wake up and struggle, but he could keep it pressed down until the fight left him. No more Seth meant that his heart wouldn't have a reason to hurt anymore.
Seconds ticked by. They seemed to last for an eternity. Dean told himself that the next moment would be the one he did it. He had to be rid of Seth. He wouldn't be free from his hell unless Seth was gone. But he couldn't do it. He kept staring at Seth's peaceful face. He was beautiful. He always had been, but it was easier to look at him when his eyes weren't filled with hate and his mouth wasn't spitting bile. Dean bit down on his lower lip and let the pillow drop from his hands. He couldn't do it. This wouldn't fix anything. Even if Seth was gone for good, Dean's heart would still belong to him. Seth wasn't the problem. He was.
Dean slowly crawled out of bed. Seth didn't so much as stir. The room was dark, but Dean still managed to find his boxers and jeans. He slipped them on before grabbing Seth's sweatshirt. He pulled it on, savoring the other mans scent. He cast a look at the bed. Seth still didn't move. There had been a time Dean couldn't even roll over without Seth being all over him. And now there was this. This complete nothingness. Dean made himself look away from Seth. He couldn't stomach it anymore. Instead he slipped out on to their hotel room's balcony. They were staying on the top floor, tucked far away from Seth's Authority brethren. The outside air instantly made Dean shiver. It was so cold that it hurt to even breathe. He walked over to the railing and wrapped his hands around it. He hated being cold, but being outside usually helped to clear his head. This time was no different. A clarity settled over him as he took slow, deep breaths. He knew what he had to do. He didn't necessarily want to do it. But there was no other choice. He couldn't keep living like this. He couldn't lay by Seth's side and not be loved. He couldn't let go of Seth and pine for him. He couldn't deal with the fact that he somehow always fucked up everything that mattered to him.
The breeze picked up as Dean climbed up on the railing. His legs felt like rubber underneath him. He didn't know how he balanced himself enough to stand straight up, yet he managed it. His eyes drifted to the scene around him. There weren't any cars driving down the street. The lights from the buildings around them weren't on. The world around him was at peace. He wanted to have that. God how he wanted to have that.
He cast one glance back. Seth still hadn't moved. Dean watched him sleep through the sliding glass door. A part of him still ached to go back. To pretend that it could all be okay. But he was too tired to keep up the lie. There was no point. Seth would eventually get tired of even using him and he would leave for good. Might as well save him the trouble.
He turned his head back in front of him and closed his eyes.
One breath. Two. Three.
His legs gave out and he was falling. Down down down he fell.
Blinding hot pain as his body hit the concrete.
And then the sweet relief of peace.