The Laments of a Shallow Elf aka Friends with an Elf
written by

Dsclmr: Legolas and any other characters featured in LOTR do not belong to me. I make no profit from this. Sadly.

Notes: I have no idea why I wrote this, but I did. It concerns Legolas mourning over his three most bonkers, weird friends. And no, none of them are based on anyone in real life. I just made them up. Perhaps you'll like this.

I remember my first friend. A slug. Not just any slug, mind. I do not want you to think I'm mad or anything. No, it was a friendly slug, It calmed me down when I felt anxious. Those days were full of angst for me. My hair was just plain awful. But the slug always reassured me. His name was Sluggy. He said he had two brothers, Slugathon and Slugoss, and a sister, Slugda. He didn't like his name. So we swapped. He called me Sluggy, and I called him Legolas. Actually, I didn't like the name Sluggy either but what are friends for?

My second friend was an elf. He was named Giomanach, but everyone called him Sluggy. Okay, I called him Sluggy. Because the actual Sluggy had died a few months ago and I was missing him. I'd stepped on him and flattened him by accident. Giomanach was mad. Quite literally. He was always talking to his hand. And he never made daisy-chains to put in my hair with me. He's moved to a special unit now, with padded walls. It makes them look friendlier. Giomanach likes that.

My third friend was a tree. A big oak with an inferiority comlex. Oakey was always moaning on about how nobody liked him, not even I. I'll be truthful, I didn't like him much. He was boring. He had no sense of humor and he was never willing to chat about anything other than himself. One thing I did like about him though was that he flattered me. So I often sat beside Oakey while he said I was beautiful, and full of grace. Very good for the ego. Besides, I always liked honest trees.

Those were my three best friends. I still think about Sluggy from time to time. Every time I see Gimli shrieking at the sight of a bug. He's surprisingly wimpy when it comes to insects. Only the other day he screamed and screamed until Aragorn removed the spider five metres away from him. And the spider was already atleast four metres away from him. He especially hates big spiders with white spots on their back. Do those types of spiders have a name or are they just normal spiders with white spots? Do spiders get acne?

And Aragorn says Arwen knows Giomanach quite well. How can she? The only person who can know him well is his hand. Like I said, he was always chatting to his hand. He loved that hand. That hand was a better friend to him than I was. But I was never much of a friend to that psycho anyway. He was too ugly to be a very good friend to me, so I didn't bother with him. I'm not shallow, just very picky about my friends. I can't help it if I'm beautiful.

Oakey was killed in a storm. His last words were something about the storm being too good for him or something silly like that. Like I said, he had a huge inferioty complex. He and Giomanach would have gotten along - they were both quite mental. Oakey's funeral consisted of me and his mother, who had been uprooted just for Oakey's funeral. But she died in the middle of it so we decided to save money and just had her funeral at the same time as Oakey's. I still think it was a very efficient idea.

And now I have the Fellowship. Lord, why do you hate me so much?