I Should Have Known
I should have known it was going to happen. I should have known Goku was going to die. It's been four months since the Cell Games and four months since Goku's been dead.
And I'm pregnant. Four months pregnant to be exact. I should've told Goku he was going to be a Daddy again. I suspected it at much. I was very fertile the time our child was conceived. We made love every night that week before the Cell games so it was highly possible. I wanted to, but I thought it would be better to tell him after the Cell Games. Once Cell was defeated, it would be even greater news to Goku to learn that he was going to be Daddy again and that his child would be born in peace.
I should've told him the morning of the battle but I didn't want to ruin his concentration. There were so many signs I should've picked up on that I knew this was the end of my Goku, but I was so blinded by anger and worry to notice, and like some people when you suspect a love one is going to die, you always turn the other cheek and think it won't happen. I know I did. I always thought of my Goku as invincible, the strongest man in the universe. Why would I think someone like him would die?
When Goku first came home after fighting Frieza, Goku and I sat up in bed talking. He told me about his battle with Frieza in detail. I told Goku to do that. I was already left out of not being there with him. I didn't want to be left out of picturing the battle with Frieza. He told me in details about Trunks—not him being Bulma and Vegeta's child, but the part about him dying of a heart virus. He gave me the medicine and told me to keep it in a safe place. Right then, I knew something was wrong. I felt that even with the medicine Goku would probably die. I mean, if the androids killed the rest of the Z fighters, what chance did my Goku have, even if he did survive the virus? I knew he was strong—he was the strongest man in the universe to me, but I still had a bad feeling.
I then of course shrugged the thought. This was Goku. He's the strongest man in the universe. No one can stop him. He's been in many battles and always came back. It would be the same this time.
Goku asked what happened while he was gone and I told him about Garlic Jr. and how Gohan saved us. He was amazed about how Gohan has become so strong and how much his power will increase when he starts training again. I know I gave Goku my permission to let Gohan trained but I still don't like it. I don't want my baby fighting dangerous monsters where he can get hurt or worse—killed.
Goku sensed my concerns for he puts his arms around me and holds me close. He promised me he wouldn't let Gohan get killed. I knew I could trust Goku. One thing I knew about Goku is that he always keeps his promises. I feel safe now as I always do when I'm in his arms and then of course we made love.
It's something we always do the night before a battle and afterwards if Goku is well enough. Of course this night, I had one bad arm thanks to Goku slamming me into a tree. He didn't mean it of course. He's just having trouble controlling his strength. He promised that wouldn't happen again. I hope not, but at the moment I was thinking about making love with my husband not my injured arm. It has been three years, three LONG years since we made love. The night was also special because we renewed our bond. When we first made our bond, we were newlyweds and both surprised about Goku's actions. I've no idea where that aggressiveness came from in him, but it was all apart of the bond. He calls me his good luck charm. The one night we didn't make love was the day before he met Raditz, but we didn't know he was going to show up. We did make love the night before the Cell Games and he died again. I used to think my charm didn't work, but something told me it was time for him to leave.
The training for the androids was extensive. At dawn, Goku and Gohan were up and training before breakfast. I have breakfast ready when they take their first break. What I'm angered about each day is that I had to feed Piccolo breakfast lunch and dinner, too. Can't this Namek feed his own self? He's been doing it all these years. And hey, I thought Nameks didn't have to eat!
I put up with this behavior. They train all day, I feed them, and at night Gohan and Goku come home while Piccolo goes back to wherever he came from. The last straw came after I was ran home by a wild boar. Oh, where was Goku when I needed him to take care of that wild boar for me? He's off training with Gohan and that green Namek that's where! I'm at home fuming when the three come home. Goku and Gohan threw their funky, dirty shirts off on my clean chair and table. The nerve of them! They wanted me to wash their clothes while they take a hot bath and they brought home fish again!
That was it. I couldn't take it any more. I snapped at Goku and ordered him and Piccolo to get a driver's license. The night before Goku went to the DMV he tried talking himself out of it, but I wouldn't have it. He was going to get his license and that was that. Little did I know, what a horror it turned out sending Goku and Piccolo to the DMV. I couldn't believe they blew up their driving cars and Goku coerced Piccolo into a race by accident he says. I couldn't believe Goku tore off the steering wheel, but realizing this is Goku, I can believe it. It was hard keeping up my tough angry exterior while laughing on the inside about Goku's adventure at the DMV. I had a hard enough time keeping my laughter in when I saw how Piccolo was dressed in Goku's clothing. It's hard picturing him in something beside his turban, cape and blue outfit. When Goku and Piccolo came home after their last test, I passed out having learned they didn't get their license. Neither of them.
I had to beg the DMV to give Goku another chance. Thankfully, they did and I promised Goku all his favorites, which is kind of hard since almost anything edible is Goku's favorite and a huge cake. He passed this time and we got a car as soon as possible. I was so happy and proud of my Goku that I threw my arms around him and gave him a kiss in front of Piccolo and Gohan. Both were surprised by the action because my husband and I don't express our feelings much in public.
They resume training and Goku would drive me to the store when I asked. In the second year, the training became more extensive. Gohan would come home more bruised before midnight. I would patch him up and send him to bed. Goku and Piccolo would continue training until the wee hours of the morning. He would wake me up as he stumbled in the dark and collapsed on the bed asleep. Sometimes I could feel him trying to cuddle with me, but I don't want to cuddle with him. I'm upset with him and I push him away.
In the morning, he apologizes, but explains he's doing it for the planet. I'm upset of course, but I understand. I just want him to spend some time with me. I've missed him so much. We had so much time apart. First, he was gone for an entire year, and when he came back, he fought Vegeta and was put in the hospital, but not long after that he was gone again to Namek. After he defeated Frieza, he was gone for a long time again and now we have another enemy. It doesn't seem like we can get a break. A few nights of loving can't make up for all the time we lost.
Oh, I guess, that's what I get for marrying the strongest man in the universe. Sacrifices must be made and I have to accept them, but it doesn't mean I have to like it. In the last year before training, Goku and Gohan will be off training all day before returning home. I would argue about it whenever Goku decided to sleep with me for once instead of spending days outside training. Of course he wanted to do more than just sleep, but I refused it.
He was quiet when he awakened the next morning. I knew why. We didn't have much to say to each other. I knew we couldn't go on like this. Goku was going to fight and I always worried and wanted to please him. I didn't want him to think about anything else, but I doubt that he would. Once Goku gets into fighting mode nothing gets in his way.
I remember a particular day sometime before the androids were to arrive. Goku and Gohan were off training with Piccolo and I had a quiet dinner to myself. The house was so lonely without my Goku and Gohan to brighten it up. This wasn't the first day. It's been this way for months. It seem the closer to the deadline, the harder they train, and the more time they spent away from home. I spent the day cleaning the floors in each room and my muscles were sore so after dinner. I went to take a bath to soothe my body. I was going to step in the hot bubble bath I made for myself when I felt someone materialized behind me.
"Goku!" I screamed as I turned around. "How many times I told you not to Instant Transmission behind me?!"
Goku just laughed. "Aw, come on, Chichi! It's fun. I love how you jumped up like that." That was when he took notice of me not wearing anything and the tub full of hot water behind me. "Hey, a bath! Cool! I could use one! I really worked up a sweat today!" Goku quickly stripped down and got in the water. He looked at me still looking at him with a puzzled look. "Aren't you going to come in, Chi-Chi?"
I looked at Goku oddly and got in the tub opposite of him. "Goku, why aren't you training?"
"I'm taking the night off. So are Piccolo and Gohan."
"Where is Gohan?"
"Spending the night with Piccolo," Goku said simply and bathed himself with the sponge I was going to use. "This is fun! Good thinking, Chi-Chi!"
"So, it's just us?" I asked cautiously.
"Yep. I thought I'd spend some time with you," he said and looked at me solemnly. "I've neglected that."
I looked at him thoughtfully. I was touched and surprised Goku remembered me. It seems that when Goku starts fighting or training, he forgets everything including me.
"Do you remember the first time we did this—bathe together?"
I laughed. "How could I forget? It was the morning after our wedding. I was still sore from the night before so I started a bath. You jumped right in and you wanted to do more than just bathe together."
"And we did, too!" Goku added. He smiled that special smile at me. "Come here, Chi-Chi."
It was his sensual command voice he used when he was aroused. I don't know why, but it seems like he had a spell on me when he talked like that and I was willing to comply with what he wanted. I came beside him and he positioned me in front of him. While resting against his chest—it felt like a solid wall of protection, he cleaned me with the sponge.
"I kind of miss it when it's just you and me, you know?" Goku said as he continued to bathe me.
"Yes, I know how you mean. I missed those days too, when it was just us—newlyweds getting to know each other, learn from each other, starting our life together. Before Gohan, those were the happiest moments of my life."
"After the androids, we'll have peace again and we can get those days back."
I hoped Goku was right then, but he was wrong. Very wrong.
The night before the day the androids arrived, we all went to bed early. After he and I made love, Goku said by this time tomorrow this would be over and peace will be on the planet again. I hoped it would be, but I'm worried about his health and Gohan's. Goku said they were both fine. That's when I decided to bring up Goku's health.
"Goku, what about you?"
Goku looked down at me. My head was resting on his chest; my hair was spread out against it. He was running his fingers through it softly. "What about me?"
"Well, that man from the future said you died from a heart virus."
"Yeah?" He wasn't following me.
"Well, he gave it to you for when you get the virus. You died before the androids came, so how come you're not affected now?"
At that, Goku was quiet. I looked up at him. He had a solemn look on his face. It seems he was wondering the same thing. Finally, he spoke. "I don't know. Maybe I did something to avoid it. Maybe the training helped me avoid getting it."
"But how is that possible?"
Goku shrugged. "I don't know, but let's not throw it out. We still may need it."
I nodded and laid my head back on Goku's chest. He resumes stroking my hair with his fingers. "I'm still scared, Goku." I pulled away to look at him. "What if the training wasn't enough? What if all this training was a waste and they still defeat you?"
Goku sat up and wrapped me in his arms. "Hey, don't think that way. All of us have been pushing each other to our limits. We've been training three years. We're as ready as we can be, and if anything should happen to us, then we can wish each other back with the Dragon balls." He gave me a kiss to assure me. "Don't worry. We'll be fine."
But they weren't fine, at least Goku wasn't. I saw them off, as worried as ever. Around noon I was outside line drying some clothes when I saw something in the sky. I thought it was Goku and was confused. They beat the androids already? That was too quick, but I was getting happy. It was over. My men were safe, but then I frowned when I saw it was Yamcha holding an unconscious Goku. I panicked. Did they lose against the androids? Yamcha explained about the heart virus attacking Goku. I rushed them inside and told Yamcha to lay Goku on the bed while I got his medicine. I had memorized the instructions when Goku gave it to me should I had to act immediately.
It was a nightmare watching my Goku suffer. My heart broke when my Goku cried in pain from the heart virus. It was getting too much for me to bare so I did what I normally did when I was worried—cook. I cooked up a storm, knowing my Goku would be hungry when he woke up. He had to wake up. He just had to. My Goku was a fighter and he never gave up. I heard him cry out again and I rushed to him, giving him more of the medicine and I talked to him, soothingly, letting him know I was here and I was never going to leave him. That seemed to have quieted him down.
Gohan finally came home and not long after that, the others came to let us know the androids were coming here and we had to leave and hide out at Master Roshi's place. Once I got Goku settled upstairs at Master Roshi's place, the others left to find Cell, leaving only Master Roshi and myself to look after Goku.
It wasn't an hour later when I was downstairs filling a bucket with water to treat Goku's fever that Master Roshi's place was knocked away like a it was being hit with an earthquake. I immediately thought it was the androids. I had an encounter with Master Roshi and his perverted ways. I knock him away and immediately thought of Goku. I raced upstairs and opened the door. Goku was gone. I rushed to the window and lo and behold I saw Goku outside dividing the waters with his powers.
He was alive! Goku was alive! I jumped off the roof and ran into Goku's arms. I cried. I was so happy. Goku apologized for making me worry, but I didn't care about that. All I cared about was that Goku was alive. He spins me around and threw me in the air. I swear, Goku has to learn how to control his strength. He caught me of course. I didn't realize Master Roshi was there until he spoke and Goku set me back on the ground. I much rather stay in his arms.
After Goku mentioned he was going to get back to training, he went back upstairs to get dressed. He and Roshi were talking about training in the Hyperbolic Chamber, where he would be gone a day but a whole year would pass. Goku wanted to take Gohan with him. I of course got mad—Goku is well and he wants to train when I want him to rest. I don't want him to overdo it, but this was Goku after all. I couldn't stop him even if I tried.
Everyone seems to think I have control over Goku by my yelling mouth off, which is why I'm called 'the strongest woman in the universe' among other things, but they couldn't be more wrong for it is Goku who has the control. I may have my bouts and yell at him to make him do things like making Goku getting his driver's license, but it is he who is in control.
He was the one who talked me into letting Icarus be Gohan's pet friend. Even after I told Gohan I didn't want that pet to interrupt Gohan's studies, Goku was able to convince me otherwise. When I argue about how I don't want Gohan to fight and train with him or Piccolo, he would talk to me in his soothing voice and tell me he needs to do this, he wouldn't let Gohan train unless he needed him. Then of course he gives me that smile that melts me and allows him to do anything he wishes. I can't ever stop him from doing anything. I know whatever he wants to do its for good. Goku always had and always will have the power in the relationship, but it is nice to think I am in control.
So, it was no surprise that I let Goku take Gohan to train, except maybe to the eyes of Master Roshi. I bet the old pervert was surprised to see Goku kiss me goodbye. Well, it's not like Goku and I express our feelings to each other publicly a lot. We don't need to. We know how we feel about each other and we communicate our feelings by looking at each other and with Goku's telepathy because he is a Saiyan, he can always read my mind.
I was alone again after he left. Even though it would be a day, it really felt like a year to me having both my men gone. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw them. They were both Super Saiyans. I freaked out at first when I saw Gohan. I even thought my son looked like those punk rock kids. Soon we were home again. Goku said we should just relax, but my instincts said something was wrong. I should have known then.
"Goku?" I called softly as I snuggled up to him. It was strange to see my husband in his Super Saiyan form. The only time I do see him like that was when he would be training. Well, there was one other time. It was before the androids came. Gohan was gone on a camping trip with Krillin and Yamcha. Bulma backed out at the last minute because of Vegeta wouldn't go with her. We were in bed together and I told Goku I made love with a saiyan, but never a Super Saiyan. Well, Goku took care of that soon enough.
"Why aren't you and Gohan going to continue training in the hyperbolic time chamber?"
"We did all we can do," he said simply.
"Does that mean you have the strength to beat Cell?" I asked hopefully.
"Nah, I'm sure he'll pulverize me."
I sat up in horror. "Then why aren't you training? You and Gohan should go outside now and train until you know you're strong enough to beat Cell."
"Chi-Chi, no amount of training is going to prepare us, make us any stronger than we are now."
A bad feeling was placed over my heart. I didn't like what Goku said. "Does this mean there's no hope. We're going to die? You're going to die?" Goku didn't answer and I started crying. Goku held me in his arms, waiting for the storm of my tears to pass and stroking my hair.
"Don't cry, Chi-Chi. Don't worry. The planet will be safe. Gohan will be safe."
That at all didn't comfort me because Goku didn't say he would be safe. "You're going to die, aren't you?" Once again, he didn't answer. I felt him place a kiss on the top of my head.
"I don't know what's going to happen. No one can predict the future. It takes a split second to make life-altering decisions. There is no sure thing. So, we should make the best of it—spending time with each other." He pulled away from me and looked into my eyes.
He then kissed me passionately, a rarity from Goku now. When we first married, he kissed me like that all the time, experimenting, learning the ways of kissing since he never did it before. Other times he kissed like that was to let me know he wanted to make love to me. Those times were often even after Gohan was born, but it became a rarity after he died the first time. He didn't make love to me when he got out of the hospital. He was too busy training, getting his strength back and leaving for Namek. Only when he did return did he participate in such activities a normal married couple did, but that became a rarity because he was training for the androids and now he was facing a new enemy, Cell, one who he wasn't sure he would return from.
I shut those thoughts out of my mind as Goku began kissing my neck. All I want to think about now is Goku and I, making love, not the thoughts of the battle with Cell, not the thoughts of our planet, our son, just us.
We made love twice into the night and every night until the Cell games, Goku always being the initiator. I remember sending Gohan to the store early one morning while Goku was still in bed. I thought it was strange because I had breakfast ready and usually at the first smell of food, Goku would be racing down the stairs and munching on his food.
As soon as Gohan was out the door, Goku snuck up behind me and picked me up, carrying me off to our bedroom. We made love in the morning and that afternoon. I had to send him away to find Gohan because I thought it was taking too long for him to come back, but Goku thought he was fine and that he should stay out. Seeing my look, he went out to go look for him.
The night of Gohan's birthday was a life changing moment for me. I remember we had a good time celebrating Gohan's birthday. I had put the pictures that were stored on our throwaway camera in my purse. I was going to get them developed the next day. I wanted Goku and Gohan to see it before their fight with Cell. Goku had already stripped down to his black boxers. Because it was warm that night, he didn't wear his white undershirt. Something about my Goku in black boxers aroused me. I tried to prevent my eyes from going lower by keeping up talking about Gohan and his birthday.
"Our Gohan is growing up, isn't he? Eleven years old, and it feels as if I was changing his first diaper yesterday," I said getting into bed.
Goku pulled back his covers and got in, moving close to me. "Time does fly."
"Soon, Gohan will be going off to college and it'll be the two of us again."
"Chi-Chi, what if we have another child?"
I looked at Goku shocked by his direct question. I didn't expect that from him. "What?"
"What if we have another child?" he asked as if that was the most normal thing. "Would you mind having another child?"
Would I mind? Of course not! I would love to have another child—one to grow up in peace and happiness like the way we were before the Saiyans came. "No, Goku. I wouldn't mind. I'd love to have another child."
Goku smiled and placed a hand over my stomach. "I would like to have another child to grow in peace, but I want to train him to be strong and a great fighter," he looks at me hopefully. "I want to pass on what I know to him, like I did to Gohan, and he can get an education, too. Of course it can be a girl, too. I wouldn't mind one, especially if she's a pretty as you and as tough and a fighter."
He strokes my stomach slowly and I feel a flutter in my stomach. "You and Gohan are everything to me, Chi-Chi. I'd have nothing without you two."
Goku rarely spoke like that to me and the way he looks makes me fall in love with him all over again. I hold in my tears and feel a full rage of desire for him that I knock him on his back on the bed and made love to him. He was surprised by my actions but enjoyed it all the more.
The night before the Cell games. I'll never forget that night. I had taken a shower that night and I found Goku looking out the window. Hmm, the moon never looked so full. The stars twinkled innocently. You wouldn't think that this was possibly the last night for Earth.
Goku stood stiffly as if he was in deep thought. Why wouldn't he? He was fighting an enemy who may kill him tomorrow. He needed comfort, assurance. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. I wanted to comfort him as he did me so many times before, when I cried on his shoulder before and after his return from a fight and I'm worried about his health and safety.
Goku turned around and wrapped his arms around me. He looked into my eyes and said those words everyone in a relationship feared, "We need to talk."
Fear rise into me, as he led me to the bed. He wanted to sit down. I didn't feel good about this. He held my hand and gently stroked it with his fingers. He looked at me, his eyes sincere and serious.
"Chi-Chi, I know I never say it much, but I do love you."
I don't know why, but I feel tears coming to my eyes. I squeezed his hand gently. "I love you, too."
"I know. I see it everyday. From your cooking, cleaning, taking care of me and Gohan, I know you love me, but I often wondered if you thought I felt the same. I know I rarely show it."
Well, that was true, especially when training. He was gone for nights at a time and I as always stuck in cooking and cleaning with a barely a thanks and no kiss or not even a hug, but I know my Goku. When he gets in his fighting mode, that's all he thinks about—fighting. It was hard to see it at first, but I've come to realize that. But I know fighting isn't all about Goku. He's a lover, too.
"I know, and I understand. You're not one-sided. You're not just a fighter."
"I want you to know that I appreciate all you've done for me, all you've given me. For one, our son, Gohan. You've made me a husband and father. You've given me a whole new perspective on life. You've showed me a life without fighting, and I thank you for that." He leans over to give me a passionate kiss. When he pulls away, he kisses the tears that are falling from my eyes.
"You've given me a new life, too, Goku. You've made me a wife and mother. You've given me the happiest eleven years of my life. I'll love you forever."
"I'll love you forever, too, and should I die tomorrow, I will never, ever forget you. There is no one but you and they'll never be anyone but you."
"Oh, Goku," I cried going into his arms. He never said anything so passionate to me in my life and then I realized it—he wasn't coming back. The chances of him surviving tomorrow were next to none.
"Hey, Chi-Chi, don't worry about it. It'll be okay."
How could it be when the man I love may not return to me tomorrow? He rubbed my back gently until the tears were gone and kissed me. We made love one last time that night. It was different from the other times. It was so emotional, passionate. Goku was so gentle and he took his time with me as I did with him. It was the closest we've been in such a long time. I didn't cry. I refused to cry, not when it was so perfect. I believe that's when our child was conceived.
We slept together in each other's arms, Goku on top of me, his face on my neck. It was nice having him sleep with me this way. With my arms wrapped around him, it was like I was protecting him for once. I enjoyed the closeness of it. His warmth against mine, our hearts beating together. I never felt so relaxed at the moment.
Morning came too quickly. I think I was up first. If Goku was, he obvious pretended he was asleep. I looked to our right and saw the rising sun. It was so beautiful. You wouldn't think the world's fate would be decided on this date. I knew I had to wake Goku up. It was time.
"Goku," I called softly running a gentle hand through his hair. I love his black hair. "It's time to get up."
I hear him rumbled something. He raised his head to look at me. He was so adorable when he woke up, his eyes sleepy and childlike, full of innocence. He gives me a kiss on the lips. He says good morning to me and moved down my body and kisses my stomach. He says good morning to it. Then I guess he was hoping a child was there.
Breakfast was eaten in silence. All our minds were on the Cell games today. I held them back as far as I could, but I knew it was time to let them go.
"I love you, Mom," Gohan said giving me a hug and then a kiss on the cheek.
I kissed his forehead, "I love you, too, Gohan. I want you to fight Cell with everything you got."
"I will," he looked at me and then at his father. "I'll wait for you outside," Gohan said and stepped outside.
As soon as the door closed, Goku picked me up in a passionate kiss. It last so long that we were both breathing for air. He was smiling at me, eyes twinkling as if he was sure of victory and I believed it. "Don't worry. It'll be all right. We'll beat Cell."
"I know you will," I tried to sound cheerful. "You're a saiyan and the strongest man in the universe. I know you will beat him."
He gives me another kiss and heads for the door. He turns back one more time and winks at me. "Love you."
"I love you, too."
He smiled again and left. I ran outside to see them fly away. I stayed out there until I could no longer see them. I went back inside to clean up. Father showed up to keep me company while we watch the games on TV. After that doofus Hercule and his cronies, made their pathetic attempt to fight Cell, my Goku was up.
It was the tense moments of my life seeing them fight. Then my Gohan stepped out. I was panicking all over again. I wish I could be there. I wish I were strong enough to fight Cell. If my strength to protect my fighting men was as strong as my fighting skills, then I could beat Cell. I went crazy when the television went out. The blast of the fighting must have destroyed the signal. I had to wait impatiently of course as to what was happening.
Then I felt it. I felt a deep pain in my heart. My Goku…he was gone. I passed out. I woke in my father's arm. He asked me what was wrong and I told him—Goku was dead. He asked me how I knew that. My heart told me so. It was just like when he died the first time. I was in the kitchen working on dinner when I felt something was wrong and I fainted. I didn't know what it was then, but I knew now. My Saiyan bond with Goku was broken. Goku was dead.
Baba came to the house on her crystal ball and father and I watched the rest of the games. My Gohan was injured. It looked as if one of his arms were broken. Goku was nowhere in site. He was dead like I knew. I jumped for joy when Gohan defeated Cell. I was so proud of him. It had to be a sign. The world was saved so the dragon balls will save Goku.
But that wasn't true. Gohan came home alone and told me about Goku's decision to stay in the Other World. What else could I do but cry. Gohan told me Goku wouldn't want this. He'd want us to be happy. I would try, but I wouldn't be not for a long while.
As I lay in bed alone that night, I thought about everything that has happened. The final ten days of Goku's life and one thing came to mind—I should have known. I should have known. I should have known.
Now having four months passed, I realize something. Goku knew what would happen should he die again and had his noble decision made up before his fight with Cell, maybe when he was in the time chamber with Gohan. With him dying, he wanted a piece of him to always remain with me. That was why he wanted another child that was why he wanted to be intimate every night. He wanted to make sure I was never alone. Well, he's right. I'll never be alone. I have his children, I have his love and memory, which I'll keep alive forever.