Thing's have been going quite well for me lately. That was until the new girls turned up at 6th form. I don't think they're going to be staying much longer if my sister has anything to do with. They showed up about 3 weeks ago. I recognized them as soon as they walked through the door. There's 3 of them. Minty, Cassandra and Charlotte. They're a couple of years older than me and I went to secondary school with them. They bullied me pretty much the whole time I was at secondary school. They're from rich families too, but they don't have a sister like mine. I got so depressed and battled with self arm and suicidal tendencies for a while. I'm past all that now, and I had put it all behind me until they showed up.
The day they started at my 6th form, my sister knew there was something up with me from the second I arrived on the ward after school, because normally I am really bubbly and over excited.
Everything was quiet for the first few days. I'd almost convinced myself they had changed. But that's when it started. It started with just the odd comment here and there, a cheeky little remark at the dinner table or an 'accidental' shove in the corridor. Then they started bringing up secondary school. Not something I want to be remembering. Zosia kept questioning me, she even got Mary-Clair on me at one point. I just kept on going and pretended that nothing was wrong. It was easier than having to face the truth. I didn't want my sister having to cope with me in that state again, and people like Mary-Clair knowing that I had 'issues'. Pretending you're fine is easy, especially when you're doing A level drama.
About 4 days after that, I came home with a black eye. Minty had punched me, because I stood up to her in front of everyone in our class, so she caught me on my way out that day to try and teach me a lesson. That didn't go down to well with Zosia. I knew if I told her, she would march down to the school and punch her herself, or have Daddy make sure that she gets expelled. But I still didn't feel as if I could tell her, so I just kept the act up. As far as anyone knew I had walked into a door. I know its the excuse that everyone uses, but it must genuinely happen sometimes. I wish I had told her at the start now, looking back, it would have been so much easier.
Within 2 weeks I was self harming again. I felt like I had no one, which meant no one was able to do anything about it as I hadn't told anyone. That was the day that I tripped down the stairs. I say 'tripped'. I was in A&E for 12 hours afterwards with concussion. That was the turning point for me, the day I decided I couldn't take anymore. The only way I could solve the problem, was to take the easy way out.
The night before, Zosia and Daddy where working late so I couldn't go home until they did. We weren't going home until about 11 pm. Various bits of paperwork and stuff had to be finished.
I was sat in the staff room, left alone with my thoughts. I couldn't take it any longer. Tears started falling down my cheeks, and there was nothing I could do to stop them. I needed a cuddle, I needed my big sister. Zosia might have her flaws, but I loved her and I wouldn't want her any other way. I thought she was perfect. Always there when you need it. I wiped my cheeks and headed for her nurses station. The ward was quiet to my relief, I didn't like people seeing me cry.
"Princess?" Zosia said as she saw me. She came towards me and spun me around and lead me back to the staff room so we where in private.
She opened the door.
"Princess? What's wrong? Come here!" Zosia fussed. She was good at fussing. She kissed my forehead and pulled me into her chest, giving me a massive cuddle. She stood and held onto me while I sobbed, I'm glad I didn't have mascara on otherwise it wold have ended up all over her.
"I-I-Can't.." I sobbed, I couldn't even bring myself to finish the end of my sentence.
"Ssssh, come and sit and cuddle with me." She whispered to me. She pulled me down to the sofa and onto her lap. I curled into her with my head in her neck. I started playing with the tips of her hair.
"Whats wrong? And there's no way you're getting out of it this time kiddo..." Zosia told me, I couldn't avoid it any longer and we both knew it.
I took a few deep breaths and shut my eyes. I told her, the whole story. Right back from secondary school, although she didn't need reminding. Things finally started to make sense to her, why I was behaving weirdly, why I wasn't eating very much and why I was wearing long sleeves and refusing to stay in the same room as her when I got changed.
"Now a few things make sense." Zosia whispered.
I had nothing else to say so I just sat there and let Zosia cuddle me and make a fuss of me.
"I'm going to have to tell someone, you know that right?" She told me. I hadn't thought of that, but I guessed it was kind of a good thing. I couldn't take it anymore.
I nodded reluctantly.
"Just wait till after tomorrow?" I asked.
"Sweetie?" Zosia questioned, looking confused.
"Please." I begged. I knew she wouldn't understand now, but I couldn't explain why.
Soon after, Zosia was called onto the ward, and everything was fine again. It had to be. We acted as if it was just a normal day, and as soon as it turned 11 pm, I was out of there before Zosia got a chance to speak to me, and I had my headphones in on the drive home so we couldn't talk. I was in bed before she was out of the shower, and when she came in my room I pretended to be asleep.
The following evening came around quickly, but it was time to put my plan into action. I was going to end it once and for all, and I wanted to make sure that Minty, Charlotte and Cassandra never forgot about what they did to me, I was just sorry for anyone who got hurt in the process.
I had sleeping pills, and I had a note. On the note I wrote my final goodbyes.
'I love you so Much Zosia, but please don't blame yourself, there was nothing you could have done. Tell Daddy I love him, I've gone to be with Ma' now. I'm just sorry it had like this. If you want answers, I suggest you ask my school. Goodnight.'
I locked myself in the loos, that's when Zosia text me.
'You've been acting very peculiar ever since you got in. You haven't spoken to me once. I need to speak to you, I need to make sure you're okay.'
I didn't respond. There was nothing I could say and I didn't want to lie to her anymore.
I took the sleeping pills. Then I took some more, and then some more. I kept going until there were none left in the jar.
My phone rang, it startled me. I never had it on silent. It was Zosia. Surprise, surprise. I text her back, my final goodbye, innocently as not to startle her to much.
'I love you, so so much Zosia, never forget that. Goodbye'
My phone must have rang another 3 or 4 times. I was getting more and more drowsy by the second. I heard someone come bursting through the doors to the loos. It was Zosia. She must have heard my phone from out in the corridor. She ran into the room, and Mary-Clair followed behind her.
Mary-Clair came crashing through my cubicle door. Zosia dragged me out into the main bit of the loos. She pulled me into her lap and rocked me like a baby. I could see all the tear streaks down her cheeks.
Mary-Clair was shouting to Harry to bring a trolly, and Zosia had one hand on the side of my cheek, wiping away the tears and trying to keep me awake. Mary-Clair looked at the bottle lying on the floor and told Harry and the nurse that was with him what I'd taken.
"Don't you dare leave me!" Zosia cried, half shouting at me. I didn't have the will to fight, and she felt that.
"You don't get to do this, you don't get to take the easy way out." She told me. She kissed me on the forehead gently. I used the last of my strength to point to the note I had written, I remember her putting it in her pocket.
"You don't have to fight anymore, I'll fight for you, just hang in there.." Zoisa whispered. Shortly after that I drifted into sleep. I don't remember the ambulance, or the crowd of people. I don't remember Zosia collapsing onto Mary-Clair afterwards either. There's not a lot I do remember about that night actually...