I'm Forever Yours, Faithfully

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee; all rights go to RIB and Fox.

A/N: I wasn't intending on starting to write anything new, but the idea for this came to me when I was listening to Faithfully and I wanted to write it before I forgot. It's seemed too soon to write anything based around Finn's death for a long time, but it's been over a year and with Glee ending (I almost teared up when I saw the picture Lea posted of her carrying Finn's jersey off the set), I thought now was the right time to do this. Yes it is going to be sad, but I hope beautiful as well and I hope you all enjoy it.

Summary: A one shot based around Finn's death and how Rachel copes with losing the love of her life.

A phone call in the middle of the night is never good news. It usually means something terrible has happened, like someone has died, or ended up in hospital, something that cannot wait until morning to be told. This is why Rachel takes a few seconds to answer the phone. Kurt had gone back to Lima for a weekend visit to see Finn and his parents; she would have liked to have gone with him but couldn't due to Funny Girl rehearsals. She wishes she could have, she would have loved to have seen Finn.

Her phone keeps ringing, insistently, so she groans and presses the green button to answer the call. She didn't even look at the caller ID before answering so she has no idea who it is.

"Hello" she mutters, still not fully awake.

"Rachel? It's Carole" Carole says. She can hear muffled sobs through the phone, so it seems as if her first instinct was right. It's not good news.

"Carole what's wrong?" she asks, sitting fully upright in bed, preparing herself for whatever bad news Carole has. Is it Carole herself? Kurt? Burt? Finn? Please say it's not Finn, she thinks.

"It's Finn" Carole says, and her heart sinks to the bottom of her shoes. Is Finn hurt? Or worse? No it can't be any worse than that, there's no way it could be worse than that. Because the only thing worse than that is….

"He's not…." she trails off, unable to actually say the word.

"There was a car accident, he was driving back from a party at OSU, and he wasn't drunk but there was another car and the driver of that car was. He swerved out into the middle of the road and hit Finn's car. The other driver was fine, barely, but Finn…" Carole says, but she trails off at the end of the sentence, unable to say what Rachel knows comes next.

"He's d-d-dead isn't he?" she asks, barely managing to hold it together.

"Yes honey" she says, her sobs painfully audible from the other side of the phone.

She takes a deep breath in, not wanting Carole to hear her cry. "When?" she asks.

"Only a few hours ago, we're still at the hospital" she says.

"When's the funeral?" Rachel asks.

"Next week" Carole replies.

"I'll be on the first flight out tomorrow" she says, reaching for her laptop immediately.

"I understand if you need some time to process your grief honey, you don't need to fly out right away. This has all been very sudden" Carole replies.

"I want to be with you guys, I don't think I can be alone right now" she admits, feeling herself start to choke up again. You only have to last a few more minutes Rachel, she tells herself, and then you can cry as much as you want.

"If you're sure" Carole says.

"I just need to be with all the people who loved Finn as much as I did right now" she replies.

"I'll come and pick you up from the airport tomorrow, just let me know what time your flight is" Carole says.

"You don't have to do that, you must be so busy, what with planning the funeral and everything" she says.

"No honey I want to, I need to, I need to keep busy, otherwise all I'll be able to think about is how much I miss him, and if I do that then I'm worried I'll never be able to leave the house, I'll just want to lie in my bed and cry. I just can't believe that he's really gone" Carole says.

"Neither can I. The last time I spoke to him he said that next time he came to New York he'd stick around longer. But there's never going to be a next time" she says, a sob getting stuck in her throat. "I'm so sorry, Carole, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you"

"You and I both know that's not true, if anyone understands how difficult this is, it's you. He really loved you, you know" she says.

"I know" Rachel replies.

"Remember let me know your flight details" Carole says.

"I will, I promise" she replies.

"Goodbye Rachel" Carole says.

"Bye Carole" she replies. As soon as she hangs up the phone, she books a ticket on the earliest possible flight to Ohio.

Then, finally she allows herself to cry, throwing herself down onto her bed and sobbing into her pillow. Once she opens those gates, she finds herself unable to close them, and she cries herself to sleep, crying for Finn, and the future that they might have been able to have together but now never will.

The next day

She barely slept the previous night, it seemed like all she did after she hung up the phone with Carole was cry. She doesn't want to leave the comfort of her own bed; all she feels like doing is crying and listening to the CDs she made of herself and Finn singing. She just can't believe that he's really gone, she almost expects him to walk through her door and tell her that it was all a joke, that he loves her and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. But he won't because he doesn't have the rest of his life. His life is over, and she has to go on living hers, alone. She takes one last look in the mirror before leaving the loft. Her outfit is of course all black as she is in mourning and she wears her Finn necklace, as a way to remember him. She grabs her suitcase before heading over to the door. She's made it down one flight of stairs before she remembers something she forgot. She rushes back up the stairs, and goes over to her dresser, fumbling in the top dresser drawer. She never gave her engagement ring back to Finn after they broke up, he never asked for it back and she always thought she might need it again someday. So she kept it, on a chain, in the hopes that one day she and Finn would get married. She breaks down upon seeing it, knowing that the day she so hoped for will never arrive. She puts the ring in her carry-on luggage, and carefully wipes her eyes with a tissue. This is one of the rare times when she is really crying and using a tissue, tissues usually mean that she is fake crying. She smiles at the memory of Finn telling her he knew she was upset over a guy because he knew all her different types of crying, but all that does is remind her than Finn is gone. She obviously knew that Finn would die one day, but that was supposed to be decades from now, when they were both old and grey and had grown up children, even grandchildren. It wasn't supposed to be now.

She feels almost numb, like she is merely going through the motions of the day rather than living it. It takes everything she has to hold herself together through the morning, the taxi ride, and check in, security, the flight itself.

When she arrives at the airport in Columbus, she collects her small pink suitcase and walks out into the arrivals lounge, scanning the crowd for Carole. As soon as she spots her, she runs over to her and falls into her arms crying. Carole strokes her hair, gently comforting her. She doesn't know how long she stands there, just crying into Carole's jacket. When she finally looks up, she notices that Burt and Kurt are standing with Carole, something she hadn't noticed before. Kurt envelopes her into a big hug, and takes her hand comfortingly as they walk out to the car.

The car ride passes in silence, no one really feels like talking, since the elephant in the room is Finn's death, and Rachel doesn't really feel like talking about it, because talking means admitting that he's really gone. Her head knows he is, but her heart isn't quite ready to admit it just yet. Kurt doesn't let go of her hand, letting her know that she's not alone. She needs that right now, to feel like she's not dealing with this massive thing all by herself. That someone else understands what it feels like to lose someone you loved so much.

When she arrives at Finn's home, she heads straight up to the spare room to unpack her things. Once she's done unpacking, she starts to head downstairs, to spend more time sitting in silence. She knows she'll have to talk about how she feels soon, but she just doesn't feel ready yet. She passes the door to Finn's room and stops. The door is open, and she feels like there is something pulling her towards his room. Like the tether that attached her to Finn, although the other end of her tether is empty now. She understands Sue's speech from Joan's funeral years ago so much better now.

She walks in, inhaling the scent of the room. It still smells like him, she wonders how long it will be before it doesn't anymore? A week? Two? How long will it be before she forgets the way he smelt? Will she ever? She's wants to remember everything about him, and she's worried she'll forget. The room is untouched, exactly the way Finn left it only hours ago. Has it really only been hours?

She scans the room, memories flooding her mind of all the times she spent in here. She strokes the cowboy wallpaper, and tears fill her eyes when she sees photos of her and Finn together, every important moment of their relationship is documented somewhere in the room. She's reminded of what they did have, and what they will never have. She walks over to his wardrobe and finds his letterman jacket. It's far too big for her, but she puts it on anyway. The sleeves fall over her hands, and the jacket itself reaches below her knees. She lies down on the bed, inhaling the scent of the jacket, and just as last night, she cries herself to sleep.

She is awoken by a knock on the door; she's not sure how long she's been asleep. She doesn't answer, she's sure Burt, Carole or Kurt, whichever one it is, will just come in anyway, after all she didn't shut the door.

"Rachel?" Carole calls into the room. She doesn't reply, but Carole walks into the room anyway.

"I brought you some food, you missed dinner" she says handing her a plate of food.

"I'm not hungry, thank you" she mumbles. She wonders why Carole hasn't asked her what she's doing in Finn's room, wearing his letterman jacket yet.

"You need to eat honey" Carole says. She reluctantly takes the plate from Carole, and slowly starts to eat the food. It's spaghetti and vegan meatballs, her favourite, but she doesn't feel like she can enjoy the food, it's more like she's just going through the motions of eating. They sit in silence for a while, neither one willing to be the first to talk.

"I should have known I'd find you in here" Carole says.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come in without asking, I just couldn't help myself. I wanted to feel close to him" she says.

"Honey, you don't need to apologize, everyone grieves in their own way and if this is what you need to do then it's what you need to do" Carole says.

"It's so stupid, this morning before I left, I kept imagining that he was going to walk through the door of my apartment and tell me that it wasn't real, that he loved me and he was going to spend the rest of his life with me" she admits.

"It's not stupid sweetheart, no one wants to believe that someone they love is gone. You don't think I wasn't hoping this morning that Finn would walk through that door perfectly fine? That it was all just a horrible dream that I had, and that he'd be there smiling that goofy smile of his when I went to eat breakfast" Carole replies.

"I always loved his smile" she says wistfully. "This is not how everything was supposed to go, I wasn't supposed be here, crying into his letterman jacket. I was supposed to become a big Broadway star, he was supposed to become a teacher and one day when we were both ready, we were supposed to get married and have kids, and live happily ever after" she says.

"That's a nice story" Carole says.

"But that's all it's ever going to be, a story" she says, tears rolling gently down her cheeks.

"Finn wouldn't want you to be like this Rachel, he'd want you to remember all the good times you had together, not be miserable" Carole says.

"I know we had good times together, but it's not fair, we should have had more. We were supposed to be a family. I always felt like you were the mother I never really had, and I so badly wanted to be Finn's wife, and your daughter and now I never will be" she says.

"You wanted to be my daughter?" Carole asks.

"Well I never had a mother, and even after I met my biological one I still didn't feel like I really had one but then I started dating Finn and you were always so amazing, always there when I needed another woman to talk to that I kind of felt like you were the mother I never had, and it just would have been nice to be your daughter" she says.

Carole envelopes me in a hug. "You might not be legally or biologically related to me, but you're as much a part of this family as Kurt is and you always will be, nothing's going to change that" she says.

"I don't know how I'm ever going to get over this" Rachel says.

"I don't have an answer for you on that, I'm still figuring it out myself. What I do know is that Finn is never truly going to leave us, he will always be in our hearts" Carole says.

"It's not enough. I don't want him in my heart, I want him here with me" she replies.

"It might not be enough, but it's all we have" Carole says. The tears that she has obviously been holding back trying to comfort Rachel start to fall, and they sit there for a while, crying into each others' shoulders, feeling the raw, aching pain of losing Finn but inexplicably better because they know that someone else shares their pain. Carole eventually stands up, taking Rachel's empty plate from her. She didn't even realise when she finished the food.

"You can sleep in here if you'd like" she says.

"It wouldn't feel right, I'll head back to the spare room" Rachel says. She moves to take the jacket off but Carole stops her.

"Keep it" she says.

"I can't…it's yours" Rachel replies.

"No, it was Finn's and he would want you to have it" she says.

"What about Kurt? Surely he might want to keep it?" Rachel asks.

"You live together, I figured you'd let him wear it, whenever he needed to and like I said, I know Finn would want you to have it. Everyone who loved him to deserves to keep some small part of him, don't you think?" she says.

"I do" Rachel says and she and Carole share one last hug before she walks out of the room, pulling the sleeves of the jacket down over her arms and hugs her arms to her chest.

The day of the funeral

It's the next week and the day of Finn's funeral is here. She thought she had cried all the tears she had over the last week she's spent in Lima, but it turns out that she was wrong. She brought the black dress that she wore when she sang My Man for Finn in Junior Year. She didn't want to just wear any old black dress; she wanted one that had meaning for their relationship. She was going to wear her Finn necklace, but she changes her mind, and takes out the chain which has her former engagement ring attached. She doesn't even know why she does it; it just feels like something she wants to do.

She hears a knock on the door of her room. "Come in" she calls.

"Are you ready?" Kurt asks, walking into the room.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready Kurt. How am I supposed to say goodbye to someone I loved that much?" she asks.

"You don't have to say goodbye to him completely Rachel, you'll always have your memories" he says.

"I don't want my fucking memories! I just want him" she screams, surprised at her unexpected outburst. The only feeling she's been able to feel this past week is sadness, it's strange to be feeling something different.

Kurt hugs her, stroking her back comfortingly. "I know, I feel the same way but we can't have him Rachel. The best we can do is to remember the amazing times we had with him and carry on living our own lives, even though he's not here anymore" he says.

"I'm not sure that's possible" she says.

"It has to be, because otherwise we'll just be living in the past. Luckily, we don't have to do this alone, we're in this together and we can help each other through it" Kurt says. He takes her hand and sits her down on the bed. "What's your favourite memory of Finn?" he asks.

"It's hard to choose, there are so many. If I had to choose, I'd say Regionals, when he first told me that he loved me. It's funny, even though we lost that day, it felt like we'd won, because we were finally together" she says.

"That's a good one. I think mine's when he came into school in that red shower curtain during Lady Gaga week, our sophomore year. That's when he first really felt like my brother" Kurt says. It actually brings a smile to her face for the first time in days, thinking about Finn dressed in that red shower curtain.

"Thank you, I haven't smiled in days" she says.

"I've missed you Rachel, even though you've been here all week, it's like you haven't been here" he says.

"I'm sorry Kurt; I just needed some time alone to process everything. I didn't want you all to see me cry and since that's all I've been able to do for the past few days it was easier to stay away" she says.

"I understand, but you do know that if you need someone to talk to then I'm here for you right?" he replies.

"I know" she says, giving him a hug. "Do me a favour okay Kurt?" she asks.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks.

"Just stay with me today okay? I need my best friend with me if I'm going to get through this" she says.

"You know I will" he says. He takes her hand, and they walk out of her room together, joining Carole and Burt downstairs. On the way to the church, the four of them talk about their favourite memories of Finn, it helps stop them feeling as depressed as they would otherwise have been, remembering all the wonderful times they spent with Finn. No one says what they're all thinking; that there should have been more.

The funeral is held at a small church in Lima. Rachel knows that Finn was kind of unsure about his belief in God, but she has to say, the spot they have chosen, underneath a large oak tree in the corner of the graveyard is a pretty perfect spot for him to be laid to rest. She just wishes it didn't have to be now, but no amount of wishing is going to bring Finn back.

She and Kurt meet Quinn outside the church. "Can I talk to Rachel alone for a few minutes Kurt?" Quinn asks. Kurt nods and walks into the church with Burt and Carole, leaving the two girls alone.

"What do you want?" she asks.

"I wanted to see how you were doing, I know this must be so difficult for you" Quinn says.

"I've never been more devastated about anything in my life" she admits, completely honestly.

"He was always meant to be yours, you were his soulmate" Quinn says.

"I thought so too, it's still hard to believe he's just gone. One day he was here, and the next gone" she says.

"I know, I was so shocked when I heard the news. He was just getting his life together, and then one drunk driver ruined it all" Quinn replies.

"Just goes to show we have to make the most of life whilst we have it. Look at us, we wasted so much time being enemies when we could have been great friends" she says.

"Well we are now, and if you need anything then let me know" Quinn says.

"I will. But we're being selfish, focusing on me, how are you doing?" she asks Quinn.

"I'm doing better now than I was last week, but I still miss him. He was so good to me even when I was awful to him" she says.

"Finn had a big heart, and he knew that you were a good person. Besides he liked to believe the best in people, and in your case he was right" Rachel says.

"Thank you. You know I really did want the two of you to end up together?" she says.

"I know I did too" Rachel says, trying hard to keep the tears from falling. "I have to make a speech about him, Carole asked me to. I don't know how I'm going to get through it" Rachel says.

"If you feel like you're going to break down, just look over at me. I'll help you through it" she says. Rachel squeezes her hand in a sign of gratitude and the two walk into the church together. The old New Directions have been asked to perform for the funeral since they were Finn's closest friends, so she and Quinn join the rest of the alums, plus Blaine, Artie, Brittany and Tina at the front of the church.

"Before we start, I want to do something. I want us to go round in a circle and share our favourite memories of Finn. It's nice to focus on the good times we had with him, rather than the horrible loss" she says. She still feels like the pain of losing Finn is a weight crushing on her heart, but she had to admit that sharing those memories with Kurt this morning did make her feel slightly better.

"That's a great idea, I'll go first" Quinn says. "My favourite memory of Finn is when he found out about how I used to look, and he put that picture of me from middle school in his wallet because he said it was the first one where he could really see me. It really made me feel a lot better about myself"

"My favourite memory of Finn was when we graduated together, because he and all you other guys worked so hard to make sure that we would all graduate together" Puck says.

"My favourite memory of him was working on Grease together. He really came into his own directing that play" Artie says.

"Mine was when he and Rachel came to the motel to give me back my guitar after you guys all bought it back for me" Sam says.

"Mine was when he, Rachel and Kurt sang Ben for me after I got hurt when Sebastian threw that slushie at me" Blaine says.

"Mine was when he first told me that he loved me at Regionals" Rachel says.

"My favourite one was when he came to school in that red shower curtain for Lady Gaga week and stood up to Karofsky for me" Kurt says.

"Finn and I weren't as close as you guys, but I always enjoyed his dancing. It was terrible, but it never failed to make me smile" Brittany says.

"Finn and I didn't spend that much time together either, but my favourite memory of him is him singing I'll Stand By You in Glee Club, I thought it was his best performance" Mercedes says.

"My favourite memory of him is when he helped us win Sectionals by bringing the other number that we needed to have a full set list. He truly was our leader" Tina says.

"My favourite memory was when he took me for a burger after we had sex, even though he was terrible in bed, the burger was good" Santana says. Some things never change; she always has to add an insult, even if she's trying to say something nice. Rachel doesn't mind though, she knows that Santana really did care about Finn; she just doesn't like to let her vulnerable side show.

"We didn't spend much time together in Glee, but my favourite memory was performing I've Gotta Be Me with him. Even though he was a terrible dancer, he always tried really hard" Mike says.

"My favourite memory of Finn was when he gave the final pep talk before Nationals to all of you. You know that students have learned everything they need to know from you when they can give their own pep talks and it showed me what a true leader he had grown into over the past three years. He truly was our Quarterback, so let's give him the send-off he deserves" Will says. The group breaks apart and takes their position for the group song that they have decided to sing for Finn.

Kurt:

Empty spaces-what are we living for

Abandoned places-I guess we know the score

On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for…?

Puck:

Another hero, another mindless crime

Behind the curtain, in the pantomime

Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

All:

The show must go on,

The show must go on

Rachel:

Inside my heart is breaking

My makeup may be flaking

But my smile still stays on.

Quinn:

Whatever happens, I'll leave it all to chance

Another heartache, another failed romance

Santana:

On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?

Artie:

I guess I'm learning, I must be warmer now

Will:

I'll soon be turning, round the corner now

Blaine and Sam:

Outside the dawn is breaking

Tina:

But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

All:

The show must go on

The show must go on

Rachel:

Inside my heart is breaking

My makeup may be flaking

But my smile still stays on

Mercedes:

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies

Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die

I can fly-my friends

All:

The show must go on

The show must go on

Rachel:

I'll face it with a grin

I'm never giving in

All:

On-with the show-

Rachel:

I'll top the bill, I'll overkill

I have to find the will to carry on

Kurt:

On with the-

On with the show-

All:

The show must go on…

There is applause after they finish singing, albeit rather muted since it is a funeral, not a performance. The New Directions go to take their seats, most of them sit in a group together, but Rachel and Kurt take their seats next to Carole and Burt. She had promised herself that she would try not to cry, having cried almost constantly for the past week, but she's broken her promise already. Being here, singing the song, seeing the coffin, and all of Finn's family and friends gathered together has made it feel all the more real to her. She's not quite sure how she's going to deliver her eulogy to Finn without falling apart completely.

Burt and Carole are the first to take to the lectern. Kurt holds out his hand and Rachel accepts it gratefully. She almost wishes she'd agreed to go first with her eulogy, rather than last because at least then it would be over with.

"Hello everyone, thank you all for coming today to help us say goodbye to Finn and thanks to the New Directions for that performance Finn would have loved it. My son had a huge heart, a kind, generous heart and I know that even in his far too short time on this earth that he touched a lot of lives. For a long time, Finn was my world, my everything, and then I married Burt and my world just expanded. But without him here, part of my world has collapsed and I'm never going to be able to rebuild it. Finn always wanted to be a good man and to know that I was proud of him. Well Finn, if you're listening, you were a very good man and I could not be prouder of you. You were the greatest son a mother could ever ask for and I cannot put into words how much I'm going to miss you. Goodbye my darling" she says, tears rolling down her cheeks. Burt clasps her hand, and switches places with her.

"I'm Burt Hummel, Finn's stepfather, although it never really felt that way to me. In the years since I've been married to Carole, Finn came to be as much of a son to me as my own son Kurt. I watched him grow up and become a wonderful young man, a young man that I was proud to call my son and I wish that I had been able to be his dad for much longer than I have been. Wherever he is now, Finn I hope you know that we all love you and are going to miss you so very much" he says. The two of them step down from the lectern, and make their way back over to their seats. Rachel reaches for Carole's hand as a way of comforting her and she takes it, holding her hand on one side and Burt's on the other.

Kurt stands up and makes his way over to the lectern. "Hi everyone, I'm Kurt Hummel, Finn's brother. I don't like to say step-brother because in every sense other than the actual blood relation part, Finn was my brother. He stood up for me, he was there for me and he loved me, and I loved him, so the "step" part was never important to us. We were as much brothers as two brothers related by blood are. I'm going to miss him so much, his sweet, goofy smile, his unconventional smarts, and his caring nature. He was a truly beautiful person, and the world is going to be just that little bit darker without him. Since I feel I express myself better in song than in words, I'm going to sing something for him now. This one's for you Finn" he says.

Kurt:

I'll sing it one last time for you

Then we really have to go

You've been the only thing that's right

In all I've done

And I can barely look at you

But every single time I do

I know we'll make it anywhere

Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

Makes it so hard not to cry

And as we say our long goodbye

I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Louder, louder

And we'll run for our lives

I can hardly speak I understand

Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower, slower

We don't have time for that

All I want's to find an easy way

To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear

We're bound to be afraid

Even if it's just for a few days

Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice

Even if you cannot hear my voice

I'll be right beside you dear

Kurt starts to cry about halfway through the song, and once he's finished is sobbing. She walks over to him, and embraces him and they stand there for a few minutes, the eyes of everyone upon them but it's like it is just the two of them and their shared grief for Finn and their comfort of one another. Two best friends helping each other through the death of someone who meant so much to them both, just as they promised in Rachel's bedroom this morning. They walk back to their seats together, neither one letting go of the other's hand. Puck is next to speak, he has quite clearly been drinking during the service, not so much that he's drunk, but enough that you can tell. Rachel doesn't blame him though; the pain of losing Finn is so great that she can imagine why Puck wants to numb it with alcohol.

"I'm Noah Puckerman; I was one of Finn's best friends. We were best friends from the age of six onwards and sure we might have had a bit of a rocky relationship in high school but at the end of the day, he always had my back and I always had his. I know he would have been a great teacher, because he was always able to remind me who I was and make sure I took the right path, and I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He truly was a friend in a million. This one's for you bro" Puck says. He starts to softly strum his guitar and sing.

Puck:

Step one, you say, "We need to talk."

He walks, you say, "Sit down. It's just a talk."

He smiles politely back at you

You stare politely right on through

Some sort of window to your right

As he goes left and you stay right

Between the lines of fear and blame

You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best

'Cause after all you do know best

Try to slip past his defence

Without grating innocence

Lay down a list of what is wrong

The things you've told him all along

Pray to God, he hears you

And I pray to God, he hears you

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice

You lower yours and grant him one last chance

Drive until you lose the road

Or break with the ones you've followed

He will do one of two things

He will admit to everything

Or he'll say he's just not the same

And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend

Somewhere along in the bitterness

And I would have stayed up with you all night

Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

How to save a life

He's choking back tears by the end of the song, and he runs down the centre aisle of the church and out of the main doors. She gets up and follows him out. She finds him sitting under the tree that will be Finn's graveside.

"Leave me alone Berry, no one asked you to come out here" Puck snaps.

"I know. But if anyone understands how you're feeling it's me" she says.

"No you don't, no one understands how I'm feeling" he says.

"Yes I do. You want to numb the pain because the idea of living without him is too much to bear and you don't want people to see you cry because you want to seem strong even though you're dying inside and you don't feel like the pain you feel right now is ever going to go away" she says.

"How do you know that?" he asks.

"Because in the past week, all I've done is cry, alone in my room because I didn't want people to see how torn up I was about Finn being gone. But it doesn't help, all it does is make you feel worse about yourself because you're trying to deal with this huge thing all by yourself. I only started to feel a little better when I talked to Kurt and Carole, because they understood what I was going through and it meant I didn't have to deal with my grief alone" she says.

"How do we do it Rachel? How do we manage without him?" he asks.

"I'm not sure yet. All I know is that we have to do it together, that's what Finn would have wanted. He would have wanted this to bring us together, for us to help each other through it" she says.

"I just can't believe he's not here anymore" Puck says.

"Neither can I, but he isn't and it's up to us to make sure that he's never forgotten. That his life was worth something, that years from now the kids at McKinley High will know who he was and how amazing he was" she says.

"I'd like that" Puck says. She offers her hand to him to help him up, but he doesn't take it. She can sense that there's still something else he wants to say.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"I just can't help but feel like this is my fault" he says.

"How come?" she asks.

"Because I didn't stop him from going to that party at OSU. I didn't go with him either, he asked me to but I wanted to finish working on my final draft of my screenplay and I said no. I can't help but think if I'd stopped him, or gone with him, things might have turned out differently" Puck says.

"It's not your fault" she replies adamantly.

"How do you know that?" he asks.

"Because it was an accident, a terrible tragic accident, but an accident nonetheless and if it was anyone's fault it was that drunk driver's. There was no reason for you to think that Finn was in any danger going to that party, so you couldn't have stopped him, no one would have because no one could know that was going to happen. You being there wouldn't have changed anything either, all that it would mean would be that both of you would have ended up in that wreck. Nothing about that car accident was your fault" she says.

"Then why does it feel like it?" he asks.

"Because blaming yourself is easier than admitting it was a horrible accident that no one could have prevented" she says.

"It's just so unfair. He had his whole life ahead of him, he had finally figured out what he wanted and was on his way to getting it and then it was cut short by some drunk idiot" Puck says.

"I know, but we can't change anything now. Life isn't fair; things don't always work out the way we want them to. If they did then Finn and I would be married right now, sometimes you just have to make the best of what you've got. Even if what you've got doesn't seem very good right now" she says.

"How can you be so calm about this?" he asks.

"I find that when trying to make someone feel better, crying doesn't exactly help" she says, finally making Puck smile.

"Thank you Rachel, you actually really helped" he says, wiping the tears from his eyes. He leans over and gives me a hug.

"I know we haven't exactly been close this past year, but if you need anyone to talk to, about Finn I mean, then you can always call me. You know that right?" she says.

"I know" he says, hugging her again. She takes his hand and they walk back into the church together. He takes his seat next to Quinn and she goes back to where she was sitting with Kurt and his family. She notices Quinn and Puck getting quite cosy, Quinn with her arm around Puck, stroking his hand gently. She knows it's just a comfort thing at the moment, but it makes her smile to see them getting closer. She always did think that they were a good match.

Quinn and Santana are the next to pay tribute to Finn. When deciding who would speak at the funeral, aside from Finn's family, as they couldn't all do it, they chose those who were closest to him. Santana may have seemed like a strange choice, given that she wasn't always the nicest to Finn but she insisted that she wanted to do this for him, and Quinn wanted a duet partner.

"I'm Quinn Fabray; I dated Finn for a while in a high school, although he was never meant to be with me, I know that now. He was a really special guy, he had such a loving heart and he was so special to all of us in the Glee Club. He was our leader, our quarterback and he helped bring us all together as a team. Even when I did awful things to him, he was able to forgive me and that pretty much sums up Finn. He had a huge heart, and he loved to believe the best in people even when you didn't believe it yourself, and that was the most special thing about him, you could think that you were the worst person in the world, but if you were a friend of Finn's then he would still love you no matter how awful you felt about yourself. We all love you Finn, and we always will" Quinn says. She takes a tissue out of her pocket and wipes the tears from her cheeks. Rachel looks around and she's pretty sure she can't see a dry eye in the entire church including her own. If she had ever doubted how much Quinn cared about Finn, then that speech would have proved everyone wrong.

Santana speaks next. Rachel is slightly worried for this; because she's pretty sure Santana is going to say something insulting, which everyone else will think is her being mean when it's really her trying to hide her vulnerability about Finn's death. She knows that the two really did care for each other, in spite of the insults traded between them.

"My name's Santana Lopez, I was a friend of Finn's, actually we slept together once, but I won't go into that. We might not have always been close, in fact we went through a period when we both hated each other, but at the end of the day we both had each other's backs, most of the time anyway and despite how many times I may have insulted him, he really did mean something to me, he was the first guy that I ever slept with who actually cared about how I was feeling. But that was Finn; he always cared. So wherever you are Finnocence, and I think he's in heaven, even though he wasn't so sure about the whole God thing, I hope you've found some drums to play and that you're still rockin' out, since you can't do it here on earth anymore" she says. Rachel can tell that Santana is trying really hard not to cry, as she's biting really hard on her bottom lip.

"Santana and I have prepared something for all of Finn's family and friends and we hope that wherever Finn is he is looking down on us and enjoying it too" Quinn says. She takes Santana's hand and wraps her arm around her waist before starting the song.

Quinn:

When you're down in troubles

And you need some love and care

And nothing, nothing is going right

Close your eyes and think of me

And soon I will be there

To brighten up even your darkest night

Both:

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you got to do is call

And I'll be there

Yes I will

You've got a friend

Santana:

If the sky above you

Grows dark and full of clouds

And that old north wind begins to blow

Keep your head together

And call my name out loud

Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

Both:

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend

Quinn:

When people can be so cold

They'll hurt you and desert you

And take your soul if you let them

Oh, but don't let them

Both:

You just call out my name

And you know wherever I am

I'll come running to see you again

Winter, spring, summer or fall

All you have to do is call

And I'll be there

You've got a friend

All of the New Directions, and Burt and Carole, make their way over to Quinn and Santana and they all share a group hug. Rachel can't help but think how perfect that song was for that moment, it's exactly like she told Puck outside, if they're going to get through their grief then they will need their friends, just like the song says. After a few minutes, they all make their way back to their seats once more. Rachel finds herself getting nervous now, because there's only Mr Schue left to speak now, before she has to make her own speech and she's not sure how she's going to manage it. It's been hard enough getting this far through the funeral.

"My name is William Schuester; I was Finn's teacher at McKinley High. I'm not going to say that he was an incredible student, grades-wise at least, because we all know that he was pretty average in that respect. But Finn was special when it came to music. He came alive when he led the Glee Club; he was a natural born leader. A natural teacher, and it's such a shame that he will never get to be one because I know he would have been the best. He was our quarterback, both on the football field and off it; the glue that bound the Glee Club together & we will all miss him so very much. As my former students did before me, I would like to dedicate this song to Finn" Will says. He's brought his guitar with him and starts to play, singing softly as he does. Rachel doesn't recognise the song, but the lyrics speak to her so much, and she can't help but cry because it makes her imagine what her life with Finn would be like if he hadn't died. Them getting married and settling down to start a family, and thinking about this is like a giant lead weight has settled on her chest because she knows it will never happen.

Will:

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

I feel you everywhere I go.

I see your smile; I see your face,

I hear you laughin' in the rain.

I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair, you died too young,

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder,

Who'd you be today

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?

Settle down with a family,

I wonder what would you name your babies?

Some days the sky's so blue,

I feel like I can talk to you,

An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair; you died too young

Like the story that had just begun,

But death tore the pages all away.

God knows how I miss you,

All the hell that I've been through,

Just knowin' no-one could take your place.

An' sometimes I wonder

Who you'd be today

Today, today, today.

Today, today, today.

(He pauses his singing and just strums the guitar for a bit, before resuming the end of the song)

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.

I wear the pain like a heavy coat.

The only thing that gives me hope,

Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.

She's crying quite noisily by the end of the song, blowing her nose on a tissue. She's spent most of the funeral crying, but none of the eulogies or songs have affected her in quite the way that one did. It brought up so many memories of her and Finn, talking about their future lives together, a future that they now will never have. She vaguely notices that Will doesn't seem to be crying but she doesn't have time to think about that. It's her turn next. She doesn't know how she's going to manage it; she's already a blubbering wreck. She wipes her eyes, and takes a deep breath in, trying to regain her composure. Kurt squeezes her hand, as if to tell her that she can do this, and she slowly walks up to the lectern, each step seeming to take an age before she finally reaches it. She looks out into the crowd of people gathered in the church and feels as if she's going to break apart again. She can't do this, she can't say goodbye to Finn in front of all those people. She is about to turn and walk away, but then she catches Quinn's eye. Quinn smiles at her reassuringly and she takes another deep breath in before starting to speak.

"My name is Rachel Berry, I was Finn's girlfriend. We weren't dating when he died, but he was and will always be, the love of my life. He was that one special person, the one that I always imagined one day marrying and having children with. He was the one person I could rely on, he made me feel beautiful and visible when it felt like no one else could see me and he always loved me for me, in spite of some of my more annoying qualities. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone else because he was it for me. No one else has his cute dorky half smile, no one else has his huge heart, no one else will ever love me the way he did. With him gone, it feels like part of my heart is missing and that's the part that will always belong to him. He might not always have believed he was something special, but he was the most special person in the world to me. If you're listening Finn, and I hope you are, I want to tell you that I love you and I always will. When I was thinking about what I would sing for him, I decided that there was only one song that I could possibly choose. This is the song we sang together, after the first time he told me he loved me. This one's for you Finny" she says. She keeps her eyes firmly fixed on Quinn as she starts to sing, remembering all the wonderful times she had with Finn.

Rachel:

Highway run

Into the midnight sun

Wheels go round and round

You're on my mind

Restless hearts

Sleep alone tonight

Sending all my love

Along the wire

And they say that the road

Ain't no place to start a family

But, right down the line it's been you and me

And loving a man ain't always what it's supposed to be

Oh boy you stand by me

I'm forever yours,

Faithfully

Circus life

Under the big top world

We all need the clowns

To make us smile

Oh! Through space and time

Always another show

Wondering where I am

Lost without you

And being apart ain't easy on this love affair

Two strangers learn to fall in love again

I get the joy of rediscovering you

Oh boy, you stand by me

I'm forever yours

Faithfully

Oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh…..! (Faithfully)

Oh oh oh oh (Faithfully)

Oh oh oh oh oh (I'm still yours)

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

I'm still yours!

Oh oh oh oh,

Oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh!

Oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh

I'm still yours!

Faithfully!

She can't see through the tears at the end of her song, but she's just happy she managed to sing the entire song the whole way through, she thought she was going to break down when she started remembering Finn, but Quinn's tip really worked, just focusing on her meant that she didn't break down halfway through. She turns in the direction of the coffin, and blows a kiss before walking back to her seat. She collapses onto Kurt's shoulder, and continues to cry into his shirt. He puts his arms around her, comforting her.

"Are you going to be able to perform with us for the last song? We all understand if you can't" Kurt whispers in her ear.

"No I want to, I'm just going to need you to help me okay?" she whispers through her tears.

"Of course" he says. She watches as the coffin is opened, for everyone to pay their final respects to Finn, see him one last time before he's buried. She almost doesn't want to see his face, those eyes that were so full of life and sparkle, dead and listless. But she knows she has to, she has to say her final goodbye to him. Finn's family and friends line up, each one to say their own personal goodbye to Finn. The glee club gathers again, preparing to sing their final song, before Finn's coffin is carried out and he is laid to rest.

Rachel:

I came by today to see you

Thought I had to let you know

If I knew the last time I held you was the last time,

I'd have held you and never let go

Kurt:

Oh it's kept me awake nights wonderin'

I lie in the dark, just asking "why?"

I've always been told you won't be called home until it's your time

(The line of people starts to proceed forward, each person saying goodbye to Finn)

Puck:

I guess heaven was needing a hero

Sam:

Somebody just like you

Artie:

Brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through

Blaine:

When I try to make sense in my mind

Mike:

The only conclusion I come to

Will:

Is that Heaven was needing a hero like you

Kurt:

I remember the last time I saw you

Oh you held your head up proud

I laughed inside when I saw how you were, standing out in the crowd

Rachel:

You're such a part of who I am

Now that part will just be void

No matter how much I need you now

Heaven was needing you more

Quinn:

'Cause Heaven was needing a hero

Santana:

Somebody just like you

Brittany:

Brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through

Mercedes:

When I try to make it make sense in my mind

Tina:

The only conclusion I come to

Rachel:

Is that Heaven was needing a hero like you

All:

Yes, Heaven was needing a hero….that's you

The old New Directions join the line of people still waiting to say their goodbyes to Finn as the piano player plays an acoustic, instrumental version of Finn's favourite song, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. This is almost it, their final goodbye and she starts to cry again. If she thought that day at the train station was bad, this is a thousand times worse. Sure she imagined Finn breaking down at her funeral, throwing himself into her grave but that was just her melodramatic high school brain and she never imagined Finn's funeral. There were so many things that she wanted to say to him, and now she'll never get the chance. So many things that she wanted to do with him.

The line gets smaller and smaller, as more and more people say goodbye to Finn, until eventually she is the only one left. She looks down at his body, so pale and lifeless. It's hard to imagine this was the Finn she knew, the Finn that was so full of life, with the cute smile and the goofy dance moves. She chokes up when she realises that he is wearing the suit from their almost wedding. She doesn't know what to say, how to say goodbye to him, where to start. There's so many things she'd like to say, but she doesn't have the time. She lifts her hair up, reaching for the clasp of the chain which her engagement ring is attached to, finally realising why she wore it today, even if she didn't know this morning. She places a kiss on the ring, and then lifts Finn's head up, attaching the chain around his neck. She can't keep the ring, it's not as if she's ever going to wear it and this feels right. Finn should keep it, it's a way to tie them together now he's gone and she kind of sees it as a sign of her commitment to his memory. She places a kiss on his lips, shivering slightly at the coldness of them, so different from the warmth she felt when he kissed her when he was alive. "I'm forever yours, faithfully" she whispers in his ear, before laying him back down in the coffin. With tears in her eyes, she closes the coffin lid, and walks back over to join her friends.

A/N: I hope you guys liked this, it was a sad one to write but I felt like it was something I needed to. I don't usually write one-shots, but it's nice to write something that I can finish between my multi-chapter stories (and when I say one shots I mean single chapter one shots rather than something like Loving Him Was Red which is a multi-chapter but made up of one shots) so if there are any other Finchel one shots you would like me to write then let me know. The songs used in this story were The Show Must Go On-Queen, performed by New Directions Alumni, Run-Snow Patrol, performed by Kurt Hummel, How To Save A Life-The Fray, performed by Noah Puckerman, You've Got A Friend-Carole King, performed by Quinn Fabray and Santana Lopez, Who You'd Be Today-Kenny Chesney, performed by Will Schuester, Faithfully-Journey, performed by Rachel Berry and Heaven Was Needing A Hero-Jo Dee Messina, performed by New Directions Alumni.

For those of you who follow Hit Us With Your Best Shot, I am still writing chapter three of that, and I hope it will be ready in a couple of weeks but it does take me a long time to write what with school and everything so please bear with me. I also started writing Our Vow of Love chapter nine a while ago but I put it on hold to finish Hit Us With Your Best shot chapter three, so as soon as I've finished that I'll be finishing up that chapter. I also have plans for Moving On: Senior Year, and Loving Him Was Red, but after that it's really just a pick and mix of what I get ideas for first, so again bear with me, everything will be updated, eventually!

Review?