A/N THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY BEST FRIEND. I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT AND I HOPE IT BRIGHTENS YOUR DAY...LOVE YOU GIRL. XX
This is a short smutty one shot. It was something I started a long time ago and had forgotten about! I've just got around to finishing it and tidying it up, after encouragement from a very special person.
It's written in first person and alternates between Daryl and Beth POV's...please enjoy and review!
Love E xx
Finding The Words
"What changed your mind?" she asked, lookin' so Goddamn innocent as she looked me straight in the eyes.
The silence was deafenin'. What do I say now? Say nothin', she might get bored a' waitin 'an' move onta somethin' else in a minute. I just carried on starin'...at anythin' but her, messin' with my food. I could feel her eyes on me, burnin' a bloody hole right through me. I glanced at her through my hair, knowin' I was glowin' crimson from the embarrassment of bein' caught out. I shrugged and mumbled some nonsense, figurin' she wouldn't push it no more.
"Don't hmmuummmm, what changed your mind?" she asked again so brightly, so innocently. She really had no bloody idea, and that made it even worse.
I jus' gazed at her, I couldn't find the words, and even if I could there was no damn way I was sayin' 'em to her. So I jus' stared at her some more, unable to move my eyes an' wishin' the ground would open up and end my torture. God, it felt like bloody hours, her tryin' to understand the silence and me tryin' to fill it with words I didn't have. Then…
"Oh!" she looked as though she finally understood, did she though? I was doubtful, 'cos I hardly fuckin' understood it myself. I was prayin' to God she'd jus' leave it. Stand up and go to bed. By the mornin' we'd have forgotten the whole damn thing. We could put it down to bein' tired n' stressed.
Fat fuckin' chance.
She stood up and hobbled around the table 'til she was in front of me, her legs touchin' my knees. Shit, what the hell was she doin'? Jus' go ta bed Beth, walk by and don't say a word. Please.
"Ya gonna take me to bed now then or what?" she asked in a quiet voice, like it was the most normal thing in the world for an eighteen year old girl to be askin' a middle aged fuck up like me.
I jus' sat there, frozen to the spot like a dumbass. I couldn't look at her, couldn't answer her even if I wanted to, my mouth was so dry. My heart was poundin' so hard I thought it was gonna jump right outta my chest. Now what the fuck happens?
As if she could read the blind panic that had taken hold of me, she slowly bent forward. And bein' the filthy fucked up pervert I was, I couldn't stop my eyes from driftin' to her throat, exposed and naked in front of me. I watched as her pulse throbbed hard and fast under a thin sheen of sweat, imaginin' pressin' my mouth to it an' feelin' it flutter under my lips. My eyes drifted downwards, my heart racin' at the sight of that small dip between her perfect smooth pale tits. I had to physically bite back a groan as her sweet smell invaded my senses as she leant in further. Her mouth was now only a hairs breadth from my ear, her breath hot on my neck an' a thrill chasin' down my spine to my dick. Jesus help me was all I could think as it took every bit of self-control I had to not actually take her to bed an' fuck the livin' daylights outta her.
"I need carryin' to bed Daryl, I still can't climb the stairs with this twisted ankle, think ya can manage that?"
I finally stopped biting down on my lower lip and breathed out for the first time in what seemed like hours. Relief flooded through me like a freight train and my heart started to return to its normal rhythm as I understood what she meant. What else would she have meant? 'Come on up Dixon, screw the fuck outta me!' Yeah, in ya dreams old man.
"Are you ok Daryl, you seem distracted, upset about somethin'?" she asked like she had no bloody idea what was goin' on still. Why would she though, ain't like she can read my thoughts is it. Ain't like she can see the images runnin' in my mind, the ones where she's naked, bent over the kitchen table, moanin' my name while I take her from behind an' tell her how fuckin' amazin' she is. Pull ya shit together Dixon, the girl's stood right in front a' ya.
"Nah, 'M fine." I lied. I stood up without thinking. Bad move. My cock had taken on a life of its own and was now standin' to attention. All I could think was 'Please don't let her look down'. Not knowin' what else to do, I quickly grabbed her in my arms and lifted her so she was tight against my waist, high enough to not feel what was goin' on in my pants. She put her arms around my neck and leaned her head against my shoulder. The combination of her warm soft skin on mine, her hot breath on my neck and her silky hair against my body was not doin' shit to help my erection disappear, in fact it was makin' the damn thing worse.
Think Daryl, of anythin' except her. Her firm ass, pert tits, the way she fuckin' looks at ya with those huge blue eyes, almost beggin' ya ta touch her. No, not workin'. Damn it man get a grip. I finally reached the top of the stairs.
"The door on the left." she nodded towards it.
I went in and put her down on the edge of the bed. "Thanks, I might be able to get up here on my own soon… Y'know if we stay." I just half nodded in response.
I turned to leave, the awkwardness had turned to strangeness now, it was like she wanted to say somethin' to me but couldn't. My erection was gone but I still felt that I needed to escape. Escape my own thoughts as much as get away from Beth. It weren't her fault, none of it. Didn't wanna make the girl feel bad jus' 'cos I fucked the evenin' up by makin' it all weird. Why couldn't I just speak like a normal person? Or better still, not say a damn thing? I turned back to say G'night but she was starin' right at me as if silently beggin' me not to go.
"Daryl!...Can you just take my boots off 'fore you leave, it hurts if I twist my foot too much?" her words were jus' a distraction so she could peer straight into my God damn soul, searchin' for answers I didn't have, to questions better left unasked.
I knelt down in front of her and slowly took off her boots, tryin' my best not to move her foot too much. She placed her hands on my shoulders, I told myself it was so she could steady herself, but there was somethin' in the way she did it, the way she moved her fingers over my shoulders and the slow gentle way that she touched me that said it was more than that.
"That coffin downstairs don't look too comfy. You know you can sleep here if you want… there's enough room for both of us. I mean…I sleep better if I know you're close, stupid eh? I know it's only downstairs an' all but I like to see you… feel you near me… makes me feel, well safe I s'pose." She was mumblin', her voice shaky, words jus' fallin' from her mouth in a rush. Her head was down and damn it if she weren't embarrassed. It was dark, but I could still see her cheeks flushin' pink, illuminated by the night sky from the window.
What the fuck do I do now? If I leave she's gonna think I'm a selfish, mean asshole. "kay she probably thinks that anyway and that's good, it means she'll keep her distance. Nah, I don't want her keepin' her damn distance tho', that's the fuckin' problem. If I stay it will make things weird, or will it? She asked me to stay, so sayin' no would be worse than sayin' yes. Make things even more awkward. No, you gettin' a hard on and pressin' it against her ass in the middle of the night would be awkward Dixon. Jus' say no.
"You don't have to, if you don't wanna, just thought you might like to sleep in a proper bed for once, is all." She sounded hurt at my hesitation, wounded, like I'd found the idea of sleepin' with her disgustin' and she wanted to give me an out so she didn't have to hear me reject her. Fuck it Dixon, jus' grow a pair. Ya can do this. She's not gonna jump ya. Jus' man up.
"Jus' lemme get ma stuff." I'd made my choice. Rightly or wrongly, I went and collected my shit from downstairs; my crossbow, vest and knife. I liked to have 'em with me at all times, I never knew when I might have to use 'em. I walked back into the bedroom and she was lyin' on her side, watchin' the door waitin' for me. She probably thought I weren't comin' back. I nearly didn't.
"Move over then, I wanna be near the door in case anythin' happens in the night." I sat down on the edge of the bed and toed my boots off, waitin' for her to move. When I felt her turn I lay back and let the pillows and mattress envelop me in their softness. As much as I'd tried to not want to sleep here, with her, I couldn't deny how good it felt to lie on a mattress, to lie next to her.
"Like what? I thought you had this house locked down pretty tight." Her question brought me back to reality.
"Yeah t'is. But it's not jus' the dead ya have to worry 'bout now tho' is it? There's some pretty fucked up people out there nowadays, who ain't dead." I didn't wanna worry her, stupid ass probably shouldn't a' said anythin'.
She'd now moved to the other side of the bed and had rolled to face the window. I took a deep breath, I could do this, she weren't touchin' me and I really needed the sleep, she was right about that coffin, it weren't none too comfy after an hour or so. Don't s'pose the dead were lookin' for comfy tho'.
"Night Daryl." was all she said before she was asleep. Maybe I'd read too much into this, she didn't mean anythin' by it all, she jus' wanted to be near someone. She had no one else now, Hershel was gone. Maggie and Glenn were gone, even if they weren't dead there was a good chance Beth would never see 'em again. Then there was lil' asskicker, Beth would never admit it but I knew she missed her the most. I knew she was blamin' herself for not gettin' her out in time too. Nothin' she coulda done tho'. Nothin' any of us coulda done.
I lay there, eyes wide, mind racin' for a while as I chewed on the pad of my thumb. It felt alien to me to be lyin' in bed next to a beautiful woman, fully clothed with a gap between us the size of the Mississippi river. It was a first on all three counts for me. Never been in bed with anyone nearly as beautiful as Beth before, never stayed fully clothed before an' was usually screwin' 'em within thirty seconds of bein' in the bedroom. Honestly, it scared the shit outta me, the responsibility of takin' care of someone so small, so delicate. I looked over at Beth, she really was like a sleepin' angel, the moonlight bouncin' on her blonde hair. That had to be another first I thought, smirkin' slightly, a woman whose blonde hair hadn't come from a damn bottle.
I must've fallen asleep eventually. It was almost light outside when I opened my eyes. That weren't all, I had my arms and legs draped over Beth's body like some damned octopus. My legs were wrapped around hers, I had one arm under her, the other across her bare stomach. My head was nestled in the crook of her neck. She was lyin' on her back now, still asleep. Thank God, 'cos my erection was now pressin' against her left hip. Fuckin' mornin' wood I thought, then I started to panic. Shit Daryl, move before she wakes up and thinks she's been attacked by a dirty ole man with far too many limbs. That thought wouldn't be far wrong though. But I didn't want to move…ever. She smelled so good and felt so soft. What I wouldn't give to bury myself deep inside her, tell her what she means to me and lie here with her forever. Ain't no damned romance novel though is it? It's a zombie apocalypse and she's eighteen with eyes in her head so ain't never gonna want me for nothin' more than protection. That thought had my erection disappearin' an' me movin' in double quick time before she woke.
I'd managed to untangle my arms an' legs from Beth without wakin' her. I was sat on the end of the bed puttin' my boots back on before she stirred. I didn't want to leave before she was awake, didn't want her to think I'd left her alone in the night.
"You're still here?" her voice was full of shock, which said it all, she had obviously expected me to have been long gone. Probably figured I was that sort of jerk, not that we'd done anythin' but thought that's what I'd do anyways. And she'd a' been right, I always did leave 'fore dawn.
"Yeah, was waitin' 'til you woke 'fore I went downstairs." I tried not to sound mad but it hurt that she would think that about me, even if it was true. But it made sense, I ain't exactly ever been the chatty, touchy, hearts and flowers type. S'pose it was obvious to someone like Beth, someone that can read people as easily as they can read a book.
"Ya need carryin' downstairs again?" I didn't think she'd be up to walkin' jus' yet, so thought I'd offer 'fore she had to ask.
"If you don't mind, if I rest my foot as much as I can, it should be fine in a couple a' days. I won't need my personal chauffeur then anymore Mr Dixon." she almost giggled, I knew she was tryin' to lighten the mood. I think she knew I was a bit pissed from her earlier question. I turned an' gave her a smile to show her we were good.
I carried her to the kitchen and sat her on a chair while I tried to find somethin' for breakfast, they had quite a stockpile here. More food than we'd seen in a long time. I found some jelly and tinned fruit and some cereal that was probably well out of date but nothin' we weren't used to by now.
"I'm goin' huntin', probably be gone all day. Ya rest and keep off that foot. I'll make sure the house is locked up tight. If ya hear or see anyone, go to the basement and hide until I come back. Throw this outta the basement window. I'll know if there's trouble then." I handed her my old red bandana. It was the best I could come up with. She couldn't come huntin' with her foot like it was and if somethin' happened at least I'd know 'bout them before they knew 'bout me. Assumin' she could get to the damn basement.
"Okay... but Daryl... what do I do if you don't come back?" her voice was barely a whisper.
"Ain't nobody gonna stop me comin' back Beth." I tried to make light of it. Beth looked as though she was desperately tryin' not to cry.
"Anyways, I've got that soft mattress waitin' for me upstairs now, and I ain't never slept as well as I did last night... so I'll be back a'right."
It must have helped settle her 'cos she came right back at me with "I don't remember askin' you to sleep with me again tonight Daryl Dixon." She looked up at me with those huge blue eyes, that killer smile creepin' across her perfect face. Oh, god forgive me but I was comin' back a'right, and it weren't for no damned soft mattress neither.
Daryl went huntin', leavin' me on my own. I knew he was only goin' so he could think and escape havin' to face me. He didn't need to hunt, there was plenty of food in the basement and the kitchen. Someone had obviously been busy stockpilin'. I let him go even tho' I didn't wanna be on my own, it was typical Daryl, I figured he needed time and space.
I needed to think too. Yesterday had started off well, Daryl had seemed happier, or at least more content than he had for weeks. We'd secured the house, eaten more food than we had in a long time and we'd talked, and Daryl doesn't do talkin'. He seemed to be movin' on, slowly startin' to accept it was just us now. It can't have been easy for him, I wouldn't wanna be stuck with me. I ain't got much to offer in the way of experience in anythin' only child mindin' and cookin'. He definitely drew the short straw when outta everyone at the prison he could have escaped with, he got me.
I don't know what happened last night, or how we even got to that point. It got heavy real quick. I realised he was tryin' to say that I'd changed his mind about there still bein' good people left, but I was pretty sure he wanted to say he felt somethin' else as well. He might not have said it outright but I knew he was tryin' to, he's so easy to read but he just can't ever find the words. So I panicked 'cos I didn't have a clue how to handle whatever was gonna come outta his mouth, good or bad. I wanted him to say he wanted me and needed me, loved me even, because those things are exactly how I feel about him. Dream on Greene, Daryl Dixon don't need or want anyone. He definitely don't love anyone, especially not you. Probably gonna say he wished he'd never taken me from the prison and that I'm a burden, slowin' him down and he'd be better off alone.
When I asked him if he'd take me to bed, I thought he was gonna hyperventilate. He looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. He looked terrified of jus' the thought of it. I knew then he didn't want me and that wasn't what he was tryin' to say at all. That somehow I'd gotten it wrong. I really did want him to take me to bed though. I wanted to feel him inside me. I wanted him to be the first and the last man to ever touch me. I wanted to be his in every way. I shoulda told him how I felt but instead I just made some excuse about needin' to be carried upstairs. Greene, you're such a damn coward, your daddy and sister'd be ashamed of you.
Funny thing is, I'd never really thought about Daryl like that before... or much at all actually. He was just always there, quiet and invisible. He kept the group together and did the ugly things no one else had the stomach for. He was a loner, never really connecting to the rest of us. I think deep down he wanted to tho', wanted company and friendship, wanted to be needed and loved. He wouldn't have stayed with us if he didn't. He just hid it better than most.
He always looked sad somehow, like he'd never had anythin' to be happy about, even before the zombies came. I now know that's 'cos of an abusive childhood. I don't think anyone then or since has ever said they love him, or told him that he's special. He is special tho' and it's so sad that no one has ever told him or made sure he knew he was cared about. Everyone deserves to be loved by someone.
Everyone at the prison had huge respect for Daryl, most of the women also had an eye on claimin' him for themselves, especially all those Woodbury women. He had that bad boy, alpha male thing goin' on. Daryl bein' Daryl was oblivious of course. He didn't seem very interested in women at all apart from Carol. I always wondered if they were together or if they were just close 'cos of Sophia. I would ask him, just out of curiosity but he'd probably bite my head off. I can see the attraction tho', he is easy on the eye. Pretty beautiful really, and not just on the outside. He had no clue back then as to how all those people felt about him. He still has no clue about how I feel about him.
I can't really remember when or how I fell in love with him, it just sort of crept up on me. That night he came to tell me about Zach, he was different somehow, soft and gentle...carin'. I remember he smelled so good and it felt so amazin' when I held him close. I felt safe, protected, like as long as Daryl was around nothin' bad could happen. Then we got separated from the others in the panic of the burnin' prison and suddenly when the smoke cleared it was just us. Over the last weeks he'd changed, gradually becoming softer, openin' up to me an' I'd just ruined it by bein' so scared and pathetic. I should have just told him I wanted him. What was wrong with me? Greene's weren't cowards.
I needed to be on my own. I didn't like leavin' her but I needed to sort my shit out. I could always think when I was trackin', it was the peace and quiet, jus' me and a head full a' thoughts. She hadn't understood what I meant last night but how could I expect her to when I didn't even understand myself. What was I even tryin' to say to her? Even if she could read my mind, wouldn't make no damn sense. I didn't know how to tell her anythin'. How I think 'bout her all the damned time. How I've never felt like this 'bout anyone before. How she's so fuckin' beautiful inside it breaks my heart to see her in a world like this, a world gone to shit. How she has a perfect body and I think about doin' real dirty things to her almost all of the fuckin' time lately. How she's kind and strong and so far outta my league, we ain't even playin' the same damn sport. I couldn't find the words for any of it, not when I know she deserves so much better than my sorry ass.
I hated to admit it but she'd brought me back from the edge at that moonshine shack. I was finished, the last three years crumblin' down around me. Everythin' had been for nothin'. I didn't wanna go on. Everyone was gone along with the prison and any hope of anythin' better. I knew I couldn't be on my own anymore, I'd learned that a while back, ya couldn't survive without people no more. Maybe that was why I found Beth and got her out. Better than bein' on my own I told myself. It was somethin' Rick had said that I couldn't shake tho', 'find the ones ya love an' run'. I couldn't love her, could I? I hardly knew her, barely said more than ten words to the girl since we turned up at her daddy's farm. But now, I'd told her stuff I'd never told anyone, I'd depended on her to keep me from free fallin', ain't never depended on no one for nothin' before. I said some real nasty shit to her as well, she hadn't deserved any a' that. It weren't her fault she got out an' the others didn't. It weren't her fault I was a useless dick.
She'd given me back a hope of sorts. Hope that some of the others had made it, hope we could find 'em someday. Hope we could settle again and carry on livin'. She made me feel worth somethin', ain't no one ever done that, not even Merle. Sure I knew he loved me but he'd never lay himself open like that, never make me feel safe, even when dad was beatin' on me. He never stopped him, jus' left as soon as he could, without me.
Sleepin' wrapped around Beth last night felt good. In fact it'd felt amazin'. It made me realise what I'd been missin' my whole life, it made me realise I'd been on my own too long and that I didn't wanna be anymore. I wanted someone of my own, someone who wanted me too and accepted me along with all my shit. Someone who wouldn't ever leave me. I realised I wanted her. Beautiful Beth. When she asked me to take her to bed, I wanted to. So fuckin' badly she'd never understand it. I didn't even understand it, I jus' knew I was desperate for her to want me as much as I wanted her. I wanted to lose myself in her soft body, her womanly smell, her warmth. I wanted to slowly undress her, to kiss her in places I'd never kissed anyone before, and even though I'd never made love before either, I wanted to with her…. For once in my life I wanted more than jus' mindless, unfulfilled fuckin'. But I knew she didn't want me, not like that. She never would. So it didn't matter what the hell I wanted.
It was gettin' late and I'd only managed to bag a couple of rabbits, I was too preoccupied with my thoughts to track anythin' worthwhile. We didn't need the food anyways, there was plenty at the house. I'd only used that as an excuse to leave for the day, to sort my head out. I started to walk back to the house, feet draggin' me back in an attempt to delay the inevitable. I had to face her, try to go on as if nothin' had happened last night. I s'pose nothin' had happened but it had still been weird between us. She knew I wanted to tell her somethin' and Beth weren't gonna leave it, I did know that much.
When I finally made it back to the funeral home I just wanted to creep in and go to sleep. Hide from Beths gaze and her questions. Hide from my own embarrassment and foolishness. I didn't tho', I just walked right on in to the lion's den.
Beth was sat on the couch, her leg stretched out on the table in front of her. She looked up and grinned at me, her eyes smilin' like they always did, no trace of any awkwardness or embarrassment from last night.
"Ya get anythin'?" she asked me in an effort to carry on as normal. Whatever the hell normal between us was these days.
"Hmmm, couple a' rabbits, weren't much around." I grunted.
Perhaps I should jus' forget it. It looked like she was gonna let it go after all, I didn't wanna push it by bein' all weird still. We had a home now, for however long it lasted an' we had food, we had each other for company, to keep the madness at bay. Sex, love, relationships, well they jus' complicate things... an' I never did do complicated.
"Ya been ok on ya own today?" my voice was softer suddenly. S'pose I felt bad about startin' this whole mess.
I sat down next to her like I'd jus' strolled in from work and we were livin' in some parallel universe where we were a normal happily married couple with a house, car and 2.4 children. I had the sudden urge to kiss her and ask what was for dinner, jus' to see her reaction. I couldn't help smirkin' jus' a bit, somehow that scenario would never have seemed normal to either of us.
"Yeah fine, been bored tho', there's only so much readin' about embalmin' dead bodies ya can do… I missed ya...I'm glad you're back safe." I could feel her lookin' at me expectantly.
What did she want me to say? That I'd missed her too? I hadn't had much time to think about missin' her, just what a dick I felt and how I wanted to take back everythin' about last night. And that right there Dixon, is why all I've ever had and all I ever deserve to have is one night stands. They ain't complicated, ya don't have to talk to 'em or please 'em, and ya don't have ta think 'bout anythin'. I didn't answer her, not that she required an answer, she hadn't asked a question.
I laid my head back on the couch an' closed my eyes, I was tired. I hadn't slept for more than an hour or two at a time for weeks now. Even tho' I'd slept at least eight hours straight last night, it hadn't compensated for the stress an' constant uncomfortableness of today. Then I started to think about tonight, could I really keep lyin' next ta her an' not touch her? Not tell her how I felt? I'd told her I was stayin' now though, ain't no way I could sleep back downstairs without causin' more awkwardness. Shit, if I could jus' find the right damn words for once, even if she didn't want me it would stop all this bullshit mind fuckery that was happenin' between us.
Suddenly Beth interrupted me. I hadn't even felt her movin' next ta me I was so deep in thought, but she'd moved alright. Her soft warm lips were pressin' into mine an' her small hand was gently weavin' its way into the hair at my nape. It felt amazin', she felt so good as her skin brushed mine, jus' like I'd imagined in all my filthy daydreams. I didn't stop her 'cause I didn't want her to stop, but I didn't fuckin' encourage her either. Why the fuck couldn't I just kiss her back? Show her I wanted her too, but instead I froze. Jesus, I was rejectin' her attempts to tell me she wanted me and I couldn't do a damn thing 'bout it. After a minute, I pushed her away, pullin' her hand out of my hair and placin' in into her lap.
"Daryl?" Strangely as I glanced up I could see that Beth wasn't upset or angry, she was full of understandin' and was lookin' at me like I was some damn lost puppy. I looked away, startled like some dumb rabbit caught in a head lamp.
"Ain't ya Beth… jus'…I ain't no good. Ya only think ya want this 'cause ain't no one else here ta tell ya it's wrong. Best I jus' stay away." I didn't even have the balls to look at her while I was rejectin' her. What a douche.
She didn't reply. I wasn't surprised, what do ya say when some asshole's jus' pushed ya away, rejected ya? The irony was, I didn't even wanna push her away. What the fuck was wrong with me? The girl's got the nerve to kiss me, do what I ain't got the balls for an' all I can do is freeze. Jesus, I wanted to run, hide under a damn rock 'til she forgot everythin'. I couldn't go out again though, it'd be dark soon, so where the hell do I go? It was like livin' in a bloody fishbowl. No privacy, no time to yerself. Didn't matter usually, Beth knew when to leave me alone, knew when I needed space, jus' another way she could read me like a damn book. But then that was the problem. That's how all this had started. Jus' as I was about to make my excuses an' retreat upstairs she spoke.
"Daryl? I don't want ya to stay away from me. I thought it was what ya wanted is all. I got it wrong. Don't matter. We still have to live together, can we just forget everythin' an' start again? I jus' thought ya were tryin' to tell me somethin', but then I could see it wasn't what I thought…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pounced on ya like some stupid kid." Beth had curled into the corner of the couch now, her legs pulled up under her chin and I knew she was properly mortified for the first time since last night.
I wanted to tell her she wasn't wrong. She was feelin' bad over nothin'. She wasn't the one who should be embarrassed. She'd got it all right. All of it. I had been tryin' to tell her I felt somethin' for her. Somethin' that made my chest ache, somethin' that made my pulse race, somethin' I'd never felt in my life before. I didn't know what the fuck you'd call it but I knew I liked it. It scared the shit out of me too; not bein' in control, bein' vulnerable, relyin' on someone other than myself. But I didn't want it to stop. I wanted to feel more of it.
"Nah, ya didn't get it wrong Beth. Jus' ain't happenin'. I ain't no good fer ya… an' I don't really even fuckin' know how I feel, 'cept confused." I couldn't look at her, couldn't explain. I just stood up an' walked towards the hallway, towards the stairs, leaving her curled up in the corner.
"Where ya goin'?" She almost squeaked out the question. She must've been holdin' back tears or anger or frustration. Whatever it was I deserved it fer bein' such an ass.
"Upstairs… need some space. Jus' lemme alone awhile." I didn't look back, jus' carried on straight up the stairs and into the bathroom, closin' the door behind me like it was gonna solve all our problems.
Why on God's green earth did I jus' throw myself at him? Good Lord Beth Greene, how stupid can you be? I was cringin' inside, the shame of lil' old me makin' a move on him, Daryl 'sex god' Dixon. Now there's bein' brave, and then there's jus' actin' like an idiot. Kissin' a man who already rejected you once? Am I insane? Truthfully, I couldn't help it though. He'd looked so awkward when he came back from huntin', but he also seemed happier somehow, like he'd decided on somethin'. And then when we talked and he sat with me an' closed his eyes, it was all easier again, it was like he was invitin' me to touch him. And I wanted to so badly. That man has absolutely no idea how temptin' he is. How utterly beautiful he is.
Maybe I only saw what I wanted to see. I'd wanted him for so long that maybe I just heard and saw what it pleased me to hear and see. And now everythin' was more of a mess than this mornin'. If I could have just left it, everythin' would have been back to normal in a few days.
And then, on top of that, he goes an' confuses me even more by admittin' he does want me that way after all, or at least it was as much of an admittance that I was ever gonna get from a man that could never find the words for anythin'. That endearin' quality is one of the reasons I love him so much though. Words are overvalued, at least I always thought so. And Daryl…well he might not be a talker, but he knows how to show his feelin's through actions.
And I swear if I look deep enough into that mans' eyes I can see his soul, lyin' open and exposed for people to hurt and abuse. He's like a child in so many ways where his feelin's are concerned. I don't think he understands anythin' except anger and unhappiness, 'cause no one's ever shown him there's somethin' better. He doesn't know how to deal with people except keep them at arm's length, never let them close in case they break his tender trustin' heart.
Which is what confused me so much. I knew he wanted me last night, I knew he wanted me to carry on kissin' him jus' now, but he still denied himself, still pulled back as though I was dangerous somehow. Like he couldn't let himself go there. His feelings really are an open book, he doesn't have the emotional maturity to mask what's on his mind.
I could just leave him, do as he asks, but I don't want to. We need to talk this through. We are stuck together twenty four seven, we share everythin' and pretendin' like we're both fine will just drive us into insanity. I need to talk to him, I'll have to be the bigger person and say what he's incapable of. That I want him, and nothin' he says is goin' to change that. That his misguided notion that he's not good enough for me is jus' a bullshit excuse 'cause he's scared.
I stood up, collectin' my thoughts and tryin' to slow my heartbeat, which was so loud I wouldn't have been at all surprised if Daryl could actually hear it from upstairs. I tried to channel my inner Maggie, somehow I knew she'd have jus' tackled the damn bull by the horns an' said it all like it was, not takin' no for an answer. It always worked out for her like that though. Me not so much, I always ended up lookin' stupid and small as I was ridiculed, ignored or rejected. Well I suppose there's no time like the present to change things up. Not take no for an answer, whatever it takes.
I started to make my way slowly up the stairs, halfway up I stopped to listen to what sounded like rain, which I thought was strange. Then I realised he was takin' a shower. Okay, I wasn't expectin' that; maybe findin' him sat sulkin' in the corner of the bedroom or sat smokin' in the spare room, or throwin' knives at an innocent wall somewhere, but definitely not takin' a shower. Daryl didn't really do cleanliness at the best of times, let alone the times he was feelin' emotional. But then again, he couldn't go out to hunt or kill zombies so maybe this was the next best thing, wash away the confusion and weirdness under a torrent of hot water.
Thinkin' about it, it was the ideal place to talk to him. He couldn't escape or make an excuse to leave. He would have to listen to me, whether he wanted to or not. So I quietly opened the bathroom door and walked into the steam, closing the door behind me. More than that, I'd closed the door on goin' back. I was in here with him now, no second thoughts…. I was resolvin' whatever this thing was between us, by any means an' even if it took all night.
I didn't notice her to begin with, not 'cause she was quiet, 'cause she wasn't, but 'cause I'd been lost in confusin' an' filthy thoughts 'bout her as the hot water soothed my mind more than I ever expected it would. I'd had half a mind to go downstairs after I'd finished, grab a hold a' her and kiss her damn face off, do what I shoulda done earlier. But I knew I wouldn't, however much I wanted to. She deserved better than me, deserved more than what I had to offer. So in reality I knew all I'd be doin' is jus' finishin' up here, goin' outside for a cigarette, lockin' up and lyin' on that bed again….Beth's bed. Hopin' that I could drop off 'fore she came up to take her place next to me.
That load a' cowardly bullshit came crashin' down as soon as I saw her standin' there, back against the closed door, lookin' at me like she'd seen a bloody ghost; pale an' sickly. I was startled, but I was angry too if I was honest.
"Beth? What the fuck? Get out!" I turned around to face the wall, momentarily embarrassed that she'd been watchin' me while I was naked, more than likely noticin' my growin' erection too. That embarrassment soon passed when I realised I'd instead given her a full view of every single scar on my back. I shoulda stayed where I was, it's not like I've got anythin' to be shy about in that department… maybe it woulda sent her runnin' an' solved all my damn problems. Now all I'm gonna get is sad sympathetic looks and questions.
I glanced over my shoulder an' noticed she hadn't moved, she was still watchin' me, unfazed by any part of my body or anythin' she'd jus' seen. I was jus' 'bout to ask her if she was deaf or if she hadn't understood me, when she spoke.
"No, I won't. An' don't be tellin' me what to do Dixon. We need to talk, an' if you're stuck here, then you can't run off like a petulant child." I was still watchin' her as she started to rant, and fuck she looked sexy when she got angry, even if I didn't understand half the shit she was sayin'. That thought was not helpful, I knew it but it still didn't stop me thinkin' it, didn't stop my mind from goin' there… once again.
"Are you gonna let me explain? You don't have to speak, jus' listen." I had to give the woman her dues, she wasn't backin' down an' fuck if it wasn't makin' my dick even harder.
I jus' narrowed my eyes an' stared at her, the water dippin' fast from my hair now, makin' it hard to see properly. But I was pretty sure she understood I was tellin' her it was okay to say whatever she needed.
"I… you should… you need to know why I kissed you. It's hard to explain without soundin' lame. An' however much you deny it Daryl, I still believe you were gonna say you wanted me last night, that you feel somethin' for me. I don't think I was wrong. I saw it earlier too, I felt it when I kissed you, you wanted it, you wanted me. There's nothin' wrong with feelin' that way Daryl, you don't have to pretend with me. I'm not gonna hurt you. I'd never hurt you."
It suddenly went quiet, she was probably expectin' me to answer, to speak, but I couldn't. I hadn't even given her the courtesy a' lookin' at her properly while she'd been openin' up to me like that. My eyes were fixed to the damn tiles at the side of me, like they were the ones talkin' to me as I pretended she weren't even there.
I didn't know what to say…. She was right 'bout it all. I did want her, I did have feelin's for her… God knows what those feelin's were but I knew I'd never felt anythin' like 'em before.
"Daryl, did you even hear any of that? Are you even still alive in there? Did a Goddamn walker take your tongue earlier?" She was shoutin' now an' I didn't blame her either. I was pissin' myself off with my useless cowardly inability to string a sentence together. Then she started huffin' an' puffin' an' chunterin' under her breath, unsurprisingly cussin' me out a few times.
I looked over my shoulder again to find her strippin'. Jesus Christ, she was almost naked, jus' stood in a tiny black lace bra and panties. What the fuck was she doin'? This wasn't happenin'. This couldn't be happenin'. I wanted to run, but Beth was right, there was no where to go, no place left to run to. I was jus' gonna hafta man up an' deal with it… deal with her.
Then as her eyes held my gaze she reached around to unclasp her bra, slidin' it over her shoulders and then tuggin' down her panties, nothin' but determination on her face. I daren't look away again, she looked as if she'd bloody murder me if I did. But after a few seconds of starin' each other down, my eyes dropped from hers an' started to roam down her body. I couldn't fuckin' stop them, I'd wanted to see her like this for so long; naked an' standin' in front a' me, waitin' fer me to scrape together enough nerve to touch her.
She stood still, lettin' me look at her for a while, my eyes hungrily rakin' over her every curve, over her perfectly sized tits, over those long slim legs that I'd imagined wrapped around me more times than I'd like to admit, over the strip of blonde hair between her thighs that I'd imagined runnin' my tongue through more than once, an' over her beautiful sculpted stomach an' hips. I don't know if she was lettin' me look 'cause she felt guilty over gawkin' at me, or whether she jus' wanted to tease me with what I couldn't have.
Before I knew it she was under the shower spray with me, water soakin' her body an' hair as she settled in behind me.
"Beth what the hell a' ya doin'?" Panic set in an' I had to say somethin', I could feel her hardened nipples brushin' up against my back, her pubic hair brushin' over my ass, the back a' my thighs touchin' her legs. I couldn't take anymore "I'm done, s'all yours." I turned around and tried to push past her, rejectin' her once more, but this time she wouldn't let me.
"No. You're done when I say you are Daryl. You obviously need cornerin' like a wild animal, else you'll bolt…. So I'm cornerin' you, an' I say when you get to leave. Why else d'ya think I'm here? You won't listen so I'm gonna show you." Beth wiped the water from her face an' then placed her palms on my chest, pushin' me back lightly into the cold tiles. Show me, she was gonna show me. What the hell did that mean? I knew what that meant though, an' as much as I wanted her to show me, I still tried to fight it.
"Beth, don't. Jus' lemme go, this ain't good fer either of us. Please."
"Sshhhhh." Beth pressed her forefinger to my mouth, which was quickly replaced by her mouth. She pressed her tiny body into mine as the water continued to pound down on us, my arms hangin' lifeless by my sides. I could feel her tongue, gently lickin' at the join a' my lips, beggin' for access. I tried to hold off but I couldn't, not again. She was too much, she was all I'd ever wanted an' she was insistent, she wouldn't bloody stop.
She was here, naked an' wrappin' herself around me. She was kissin' me, slidin' her hands over my body like she was worshippin' at a temple, it was amazin' an' I never wanted her to stop. I opened my mouth an' tilted my head, lettin' her in, givin' her unspoken permission to take what she wanted. I wasn't gonna fight her any more, I wasn't gonna pretend we could forget whatever this was that was happenin' between us. We couldn't, we'd gone past the point of no return.
I felt her tongue start to gently wrap itself around mine as her lips began massagin' my lips in a delicious slow rhythm. I tried to keep it slow as I pushed back, my tongue caressin' hers with as much care as I could find. The sensations were new to me, I'd never kissed like this 'fore, never this tenderly or with someone I had feelin's for either.
Right at this moment I'd have been content to do nothin' else but stay here wrapped up with Beth Greene. My hands had somehow now curled themselves around her body without me even noticin', one was gropin' on her ass, grindin' her against my erection as the other had tangled around a clump of her wet hair… both were pullin' her into me, holdin' onto her like she was the air I needed to breathe.
Jus' as I was gettin' comfortable with the idea she might actually want me after all, jus' as I was startin' to enjoy myself, rather than worryin' an' panickin', she stopped. She pulled away all breathless and pantin' and pulled her hands from my chest, lookin' at me through wet strands of hair.
"Tell me you want me as much as I want you. Tell me I wasn't wrong last night, Daryl."
Fuck, that wasn't the deal, she said I only had to listen, no talkin'. Maybe I should jus' show her she ain't always gonna have the upper hand in whatever relationship we got goin' on now, see how she likes it when I take back control.
Without answerin' I picked her up, turned us around and slammed her into the shower wall, my mouth seekin' out hers 'fore she had chance to start complainin'. Her long legs automatically wrapped themselves tightly around my waist an' her arms around my neck. The water was hittin' us directly now, poolin' between our bodies as I pressed us together hard enough to make us watertight. It was damn near on impossible to kiss an' breathe under the constant torrent, but we somehow managed it. I don't think she wanted to stop any more than I did.
Eventually I broke away from her mouth and moved my head to her neck and shoulder, suckin' and kissin' while she moaned and groaned over the sound of the water bouncin' an' echoin' on the ceramic surfaces. She felt and tasted so much better than I could ever have imagined, she was archin' into me, beggin' fer more. It took everythin' I had to not jus' ram my cock into her pussy and fuck her into next week. She was so bloody beautiful, so sweet, so strong, so determined, so goddamn amazin', I jus' wanted to claim her. I didn't give a shit I was no good fer her or that I was too old fer her or that this whole thing was probably the worst decision either of us had ever made. I needed her, I wanted her and I was fucked if that voice in my head was gonna make me reject her anymore.
I dipped my head to her chest and flicked my tongue back an' forth over her already hardened pink nipple. She gasped an' I felt her legs clench around me, so I did it again before bitin' down on it an' suckin'. Her hands suddenly grabbed my head an' pulled me up to look at her, she blinked back the water runnin' into her eyes and started to kiss her way along my jaw, only stoppin' when she reached my ear. A moan escaped my throat when she sucked my earlobe between her teeth, then started to kiss and lick at my neck.
"I want you, please…Daryl. Show me you want me too." I only heard her pleadin' 'cause her lips brushed against my ear as she spoke. Any other time the water would have drowned them out they were whispered so quietly.
It was all the encouragement I needed to go on an' finish what Beth had started. I untangled my right hand from her hair an' slid it between her legs, tracin' my fingers along her sticky wet slit and slippin' my middle finger inside her. Her breath hitched an' her pussy tightened around me like she was about to come. Or maybe she jus' wasn't used to it. I had no idea if it was gonna be her first time… an' I had no intention a' embarrassin' her or me by askin' either. She was a grown up an' she knew what she was doin'.
Beth immediately started to groan as I slowly moved my finger in an' out of her body a few times. I pulled back to watch her, I wanted to see her flushed an' beautiful face as I pushed in a second finger, wrigglin' them inside her until she was pantin' an' writhin' against the tiles. She was bitin' down on her bottom lip now, her head thrown back against the tiles as water ran in rivulets along the most exquisite body I'd ever seen. She moaned out as my fingers picked up speed in their attempt to get her off, diggin' her nails into the flesh of my shoulders an' neck. I knew she was almost there, her body was singin' to me. She was ready.
I pulled my fingers from her body, leavin' her on the edge. I wanted to feel it when she came, I didn't jus' wanna see it. I grabbed hold a' my now weepin' an' throbbin' cock an' pushed against her entrance. Shit, I knew I weren't gonna last, I jus' hoped I could go long enough to finish her an' not look like a total loser.
I placed both my hands under her backside an' pressed her hard into the wall, lettin' my lips claim hers again. I wanted to kiss her an' never stop. I pushed into her, one quick long thrust 'til I was buried as deep as I could go, ain't no point in tryin' to sugar coat it. I felt her hiss against my mouth, only for a second, an' then she was rockin' her hips and tuggin' at my hair, silently beggin' for more.
Relief an' a lil' bit a' pride flooded through me at lastin' past penetration. I had images a' me finishin' for I'd even got fully seated. It'd been so long an' she'd gotten me so worked up, it was a bloody miracle I could even remember what to do with it. Fuck, I couldn't remember the last time I'd been buried inside a woman, and goddamn it, I knew it'd never felt anywhere near this fuckin' good. She was so tight and warm and wet an' all I really wanted to do was stay where I was, unmovin', inside Beth's welcomin' body forever.
Damn woman had other ideas though. She was already urgin' me to get movin', squeezin' her already tight walls around my cock an' pushin' her hips against mine. Maybe she weren't as sweet an' innocent as I always thought she was. Maybe I hadn't jus' deflowered her in one hard thrust.
I lifted her up an' down a few times, kneadin' her perfect ass hard enough to bruise but she didn't seem to mind, she jus' carried on moanin' an' pantin' my name under water filled gasps. Hearin' my name fallin' from her lips as her pussy slipped deliciously up an' down my dick was beyond arousin'. I couldn't help but thrust harder and faster, the slapping of skin mergin' with the sounds of splashin' water mergin' with gruntin' and moanin'. It was sexy, it was hot but I felt like I was home. I felt like I was bein' cleansed of my old life an' a new one was jus' bein' born.
I buried my face into her neck, I knew she was about to go over the edge so I carried on thrustin' into her, my eyes tightly closed to hold back the tears that I couldn't stop from formin'.
Slap after slap as wet skin collided, as she tugged at my body, pantin' out my name. My mind emptied 'til all I could feel was numbness. My body went rigid as a feelin' of euphoria, of release, rose up an' exploded inside her. It was like a blindin' light, a rush of blood to the head as I felt her clenchin' an' releasin' around me, squeezin' everythin' I had outta my body. And I gave it, freely. My fingers dug into the flesh of her backside as they mimicked hers that were clawin' at my back. The water felt heavenly, now only slightly warm as it rained down on our bodies, the bodies that had merged themselves into one pulsin' sweaty bein'.
I suddenly wanted to talk at her. Weeks of nothin', minimal communication an' now I wanted to talk at the woman. Maybe it was jus' the remainder of my climax, coursin' its way through my veins, or maybe I was finally findin' some a' those elusive words.
My breath was too heavy to talk yet, an' really all I wanted to do for a minute was look at Beth. I wanted to look at her beautiful face, look at her post orgasm glow an' feel her insides still flutterin' around me. An' I wanted to keep myself inside her tight warmth for as long as possible. I pressed my forehead against hers and turned off the shower. The only noise left was water drippin' from our bodies rhythmically onto the floor of the shower, interspersed with our laboured breathin'. Beth curled her arms around my neck once more and pressed her lips to mine. I closed my eyes to enjoy the moment before it was finally gone. Then I heard it.
"I love you Daryl Dixon."
I hope you guys liked this one shot...it was just a scene I'd played out in my head and wanted to put into words. I don't usually write in the first person... so I hope it worked okay? Thanks for reading and reviews are greatly appreciated ;-)