Coronyan Beach, Corona Light Florida. Precisely 35.9 miles from Ordinary, FL.
He was stuck in a time warp, traveling at the ultra smooth speed of Corona Light, and he didn't mind.
The white bear lay on a mound of sand next to a giant red dot with sunglasses, The Roaming Gnome and a chihuahua. To the bear's left, a sand caked woman in a two piece bikini lay facedown, soaking up rays, but she was only background scenery, never moving or speaking, like a vegetable.
The bear's name was Snuggle, fabric refresher of renown.
Snuggle's fuzzy paw clutched an open glass bottle filled with amber liquid, which he sipped from every once and awhile. Behind him lay the fabled Ice Chest of the Ancients, that cooler of the gods that supplied an infinity of whatever brand name beverage you chose to place in its ice, forever.
Two Coronyans lazily slouched around it in beach chairs, a man in Bermuda shorts, and a woman in a white one piece, both with the trademark invisible heads and upper torsoes common to their species, and common to Country Crockites.
The bear pulled himself up on his elbow, craning his neck to call to the couple.
They never told them their names. When he had asked, the strangers only scrawled incomprehensible symbols on the sand with their big toes and offered him a beer. Cool Spot and Escalito, however, told him their names right away.
"Hey!" he cried. "What time is it!"
The headless man responded by setting a Corona in the sand to make a sundial.
Snuggle stared at it for a moment, then gave up.
"So you're just going to lay in that beach chair, drinking Coronas for all eternity."
The male Coronyan gave him a thumbs up.
The bear frowned a minute, then said, "Okay. Just curious."
And he laid back down, sipping his beer.
He craned his neck again. "Don't you ever get hangovers or throw up or anything?"
The Coronyan just shrugged. With an invisible head, one couldn't quite tell if it were hung over or not, though Snuggle supposed the vomiting would be rather easier to spot. Cool Spot, after all, couldn't hold his liquor.
"Elixir of the gods," said Cool Spot.
"I thought you said 7-UP was the elixir of the gods."
"I'm no longer the 7-UP spokesdot, so it doesn't matter anymore."
"Ah." Snuggle took another swig.
"Yo quiero sus chonies," the dog growled in his sleep. "Olvidaré las tacos. Dame sus chonies! Rrrowr!" And he was barking in his sleep.
Snuggle just drank, watched the waves, and opened all his pores to the scents of the placid beach.
It is a little known fact that all the fragrances in Snuggle brand fabric softener are derived from secretions from its furry mascot. This is why, for the last month, Snuggle has been doing nothing at all besides sunning himself on various beaches, soaking up the sun and smells.
Two more days, and he would have absorbed enough ambiance to create eight hundred gallons of "Sex on the Beach" scented laundry liquid.
For an hour, he lay there, eyes passively following the breakers as they rolled in and crashed on the shore, occasionally cracking open a bottle of Sunny Delight that someone had thoughtfully slipped into the back of the Ice Chest of the Ancients. A crab with sunglasses waddled past.
In the far distance, he could just barely see the Juicy Fruit water skiers, and people repeatedly slamming twenty four packs of Coors Light into ice chests.
On the opposite end, equally distant, he could see hundreds of babies in waterproof diapers, babies who laughed and pointed at other babies with regular waterlogged ones. With all that crap floating in the ocean, Snuggle had no desire to go swimming.
Instead, he continued to relax and sun, hoping that the hand holding couple with the sampler of romantic music snippets didn't come any closer. Already he'd had to vacate three different beaches due to the invasion of the Dating Site and Male Potency Pill People.
That, and Chester Cheetah stealing a bag of chips and stomping all over him in his haste to escape the owner.
To his relief, the music faded into the background, and the surf sounds resumed.
He probably would have relaxed on that beach for all eternity with the Coronyans, but then a giant Mr. Potato Head with no eyes appeared over the ocean, calling to him in a booming voice.
"Snuggle!" it roared. "Snuggle!"
Startled, Snuggle leapt to his feet at once, though to everyone else it looked like he were lazily taking his time. He was, after all, moving at the speed of Corona...
"Yes, father?" Snuggle called.
"I cannot hear you," said the potato. "You are moving and talking too slow."
"Apologies father. I am moving at the speed-"
"I still cannot understand you."
"I-" the bear protested.
"Spare me your excuses!" Mr. Potato Head shouted. "Merely obey! And be thankful I have spared you from my wrath!"
Snuggle trembled in fear. "Y-yes father! How can I assist you, father?"
"I have an important mission for you, Snuggle."
"I want you to beat Bobby Flay."
Snuggle stared at him in shock. "What?"