A Wee Little Payback
Anything that you recognise is JE's, everything else is mine. No profits for me. *sigh*
Life will never be the same again. Some say it's a myth. A fairytale. But people, I am here to tell you that little green men, do exist. I'm not kidding. Really! Here I am sitting in my SUV on Bomber Duty, watching Bomber and my girlfriend, Jackie, herding a group of the tiny green men into Bomber's POS car. I mean real live leprechauns! Shit! If she got my girlfriend involved, it can't be good. She was known at Rangman as being a "fixer". She had the uncanny knack of 'fixing' whatever problem you had. In this case, it 'appeared' to be making a half dozen little green leprechauns 'disappear'. Trying to hold in his laughter, Santos looked like he was having an apopaleptic fit.
"You might as well let it out, Asshole." I grumbled as Bomber gave a last look around before starting her latest death trap in a huge plume of black smoke. His guffaws filled the tiny space of the vehicle as I made a mental note to kill him slowly when he least expected it. My attention was drawn from Sanots's laughter to the soft knocking on my truck window. I slowly lowered it down to find my girl grinning from ear to ear.
"Howdy." I winked at her making her titter as she blushed. "Did I really see..." She sober up instantly, before nodding vigerously.
"Yeah." She glanced around a second before leaning in to whisper into my ear. "She's dropping them off in Santos's new apartment in Hamilton Twonship as payback for stealing her Tastey Cakes the other day." I rolled my eyes and gave Les a sideways glance. With a serious look of concentration on his face and the tip of his tongue poking out of his mouth, he was desperately trying to get past level eighteen of some new candy themed game on his phone, with little success.
"I'll pick you up around seven tonight. I got us a table for the St. Patty's dinner show at the downtown theater."
"It's a date." She dropped a quick kiss to my cheek before heading off to her car.
Our dinner date was fun, listening to a lively mish-mash of Irish and American drinking songs while dining on a delicious dinner of Corned Beef and cabbage. Jackie and I shared a pint of the requisite green beer, before switching to sodas. I managed to get my girl out onto the dancefloor for a few songs, before I received a SOS text from Santos.
LS: HELP! Apartment in HT, bring ur girl
I flipped the phone around to show Jackie the message as we both began to laugh hysterically. I sent a quick response letting him know we were on our way. We hurriedly made our way out of the theater after I dropped a good sum of money onto the table to cover the bill and a generous tip. The ride to Santos's new place took almost a half hour with new texts coming more and more frequently.
LS:WTF? where are u
When we pulled up I almost lost it. Every available inch of ground not covered by pavement or cement was sprouting masses of four-leafed clover as far as the eye could see. I glanced to Jackie who was doubled over, holding her side. All of Les's neighbors were sitting in lawn chairs in the parking lot, watching the happenings from unit 121. I looked up to see a really pissed looking Santos wearing his typical Rangeman outfit but in a brilliant and festive Kelly green.
"About time you showed up!" He gestured wildly at the group of leprechauns frolicking around in a circle in his livingroom. "Where the hell did they come from?"
"Hmm..." I watched Jackie as she bit her tongue to keep from laughing. "Um... I would have to say Diesel might have something to do with all this. You think?" She turned to me, getting me into the act.
"Um, yeah. Diesel." Santos gave me a shit look.
"Guess again. Called him an hour ago. He's not the one. Said I had to get rid of them myself." I could hear Santos add a 'douchbag' under his breath. He turned to Jackie with a pleading look. "Can you help me? Please?" His puppydog eyes got her to cave in a heartbeat.
Walking up the stairs, she surveyed the scene around her. "Alright guys. Shows over." They took one look at her, hopped on top of Santos's kitchen countertop and proceeded to dance a little jig while singing at the top of their wee little lungs. Jumping down from the counter they made their way out of the apartment, down the stairs and out of sight. Their lilting Irish brougue fading into nothingness as they moved farther and farther away.
The mess left behind in the apartment was a sight to behold. Both the kitchen table and the coffee table were completely covered in empty pint glasses. Every surface had a greenish hue, from the carpet, to the walls, even the furniture. Looking down his long hallway, I spied a minature bowling set with a matching bowling ball resting against the bathroom door. The leprechauns must have used some powerful magic because dancing around near the the ceiling of the whole apartment were tiny wispy fairies, their aqua colored gossamer wings sparkling like diamonds. And arching from the dining room to the kitchen was what looked to be a fully formed rainbow with an obviously empty pot of gold resting on top of the state of the art, sleek black stove.
"Shit." Les gave me a defeated look as he flopped down onto the couch, his head in his hands. "What did I do to deserve this?" He exclaimed as one of the tiny fairies landed gently onto his shoulder, patting his earlobe with his miniscule fairie hand. She leaned in, whispering into Santos's ear before flying up in what could only be desribed as an evasive manouver and taking off out the door with her fairies friends hot on her heels. The tinkling sound of fairie laughter danced upon our ears. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would have never believed it. Santos sat still for a second before leaning his head back and laughing his head off like some maniacal serial killer. Tears streamed down his face until he finally began to get a hold of himself. Jackie and I could only glance at each other in confusion during his little loss of sanity.
"She... she... she said it was payback." He was still giggling a little, his laughter was slowing but not completely stopping. "Said I was due for a little revenge for the stunts I pulled last year." I remember that day vivdly. Bomber was absolutely livid.
Santos had swaped her usual hair serum for a special concoction of green hair dye. Trick is that it goes on clear and then after ten minutes, it gradually changes to a brilliant green. She showed up for work wearing a bandana covering her hair. Santos being the dick that he always is, got Tank to enforce the no 'do-rag or bandana' rule, effectively exposing her new hairdo to the whole building. Then he messed with her computer, so every time she hit any key, it would begin to play snippets of Irish drinking songs, to which the guys sitting around her would begin to sing along. Her tastey cakes were injected with green food coloring via a syringe, giving her mouth, teeth and tongue a healthy green color. When she snuck of to her locker room, she tried washing out the hair dye only to find it was permanent. The last straw was during said shower, Santos snuck into the locker room and replaced her normal uniform with a costume fit for St. Patty's Day. She came out wearing the tiniest barmaid dress I had ever seen. It barely covered her ass and barely covered her chest. Not that I was looking, but hey, a guy's gotta appreciate God's work, right? She was fit to be tied. A raging tornado of curse words, hand gestures and serious threats against the perpatrator of the St. Patty pranks.
When Ranger came back from being in the wind a few weeks later, her hair had faded to a less noticable shade of green, her compter had been fixed by Hector and that hideous costume found it's way into a burn barrel. She hadn't been able to figure out who had perpetrated the bevy of pranks... until now, it appears. Bomber got Santos, and I mean, she got him good.
"Honey, I think we better go." Jackie winked as she tugged me out the door.
"We'll see you later Santos." I chuckled as he sat in his hideously green apartment staring off into space, completely mystified as to how Bomber pulled off her revenge prank.
Notes to self: Never piss of Jackie. Never piss off Bomber. And most of all, if I do, don't do it on St. Patrick's Day.
Congratulations to Rainbow Severus for winning the St. Patrick's Day Challenge for the Steph Tart FF Stories FB page.