A/N: WARNING!!: PLEASE DO NOT TRY TO PUT LOGIC TO THIS! DOING SO WILL RESULT IN MAKING YOUR BRAIN SHUT DOWN.
Welcome... inside the mind of a sleep deprived author who is on the verge of insanity.
Lady of the Ring
A Fangirl's Romp Through
Frodo Baggins walked along a nice river, talking to his rapidly aging uncle, Bilbo Baggins. They walked along until the powers that be decided to toss down some distraction in the form of a pale figure with red hair.
"What the!" said Frodo.
"Hush, Frodo! I think it's moving!" said Bilbo as he pointed with his cane.
It was a woman in amongst the mass of wild red hair. She was stark naked and long boned. "Is it?" said Frodo, who had taken to not finishing his sentences.
"It is a woman..." Bilbo said calmly.
The woman was breathing steadily, like she was sleeping. She didn't even register having been thrown with such force as the hole in the ground had indicated.
"What is a woman doing here..." said Frodo, who had now regained the ability to speak in full sentences. His blue eyes roved over the long, white body and he blushed slightly. She was rather pretty.
"She be-ith a very strangeth woman..." said Bilbo.
"Dude... why are you talking like that..." Frodo said with a side glance at his uncle.
"Because I want to..."
Then, the woman sat up. She blearily looked around and saw Frodo and Bilbo in front of her. She smiled and yawned at the two. "Hello... My name is Dervla... can you tell me where I am?"
"You are in the land beyond the sea, ma'am..." said Bilbo.
"Land beyond the sea?" She stared at them with a completely blank look. "What's a sea?"
Frodo, who had tripped at her remark, got to his hobbity feet and sighed. "It's a big body of water that surrounds part of Middle Earth..."
The woman stared at Frodo for a second. Then, she grabbed him and pulled him into a squishy hug. His face was firmly planted between her breasts. "You are soooo cute!" She giggled.
"Ma'am..." was his muffled cry. "Ma'am! Please let me go!" He said as he tried furiously to get away from this naked woman.
"Oh! I just remembered why I'm here!" Dervla let go of Frodo and stood up. She was as tall as an elf and almost as elegant looking. Her wild red hair tumbled around her. "Can you two take me to your leader!?" she giggled.
"Certainly, your nakedness!" said Bilbo with a wolfish grin.
The three peopled troupe walked along the river silently. Dervla stopped every now and then to point to something and gleefully shout, "That's so pretty!" and "What a cute (insert object or animal)!"
Meanwhile, in the trenches of Mordor, a small band of Orcs sat around a fire eating some roast spider. "MM! Good!" said one orc.
"Good! Very Good!" said the second.
"Yes... it was indeed very good meat, but I must say that we need to bring in some decent conversation..." said the third who wore a pair of glasses as he read from a book. The other two orcs stared at him for a second and shook their heads at him.
"Pete getting strange!" said the first orc.
Suddenly, the sky broke open and lighting crashed around them. Something fell from the heavens. A whitish figure hit the darkened ground. It didn't move for a minute and then, it stood up, laughing maniacally. It was a woman with incredibly long, black hair and very large, yellow hawk's eyes. She was completely naked.
"FEAR ME, FOUL CREATURES! FOR I AM ISOLT THE BLACK! FEAR ME! FEAR ME!" she shouted in a booming voice.
The orcs looked at eachother and shrugged. Isolt growled, pointed her finger at one orc that had not spoken earlier and lightning struck him. Pete the orc stared at the place where a fellow comrade had been. It was a pile of black ash.
"Me think we should fear!" said the second orc.
"Me too!" said the first.
"I concur!" said Pete.
"GOOD! Now tell me! Where is the one ring of Stupidity and Giddiness!" Isolt growled at them. "I must have it! I can control the world with it! HO HO HO HO HO!"
"What be this ring...?" said the first orc.
"Never you mind! I shall use you all for my evil doing!" she said with a wide, evil grin on her incredibly pale lips. She pointed to the sky and growled. "Cue the fricken evil doing music, damn it!" Then, creepy, evil doing music played and Isolt the Black was happy.
When the Baggins' and Dervla reached the palace of the elves, the women gleefully took Dervla in and she was dressed in some clothes and her hair was given a royal treatment. Meanwhile, Frodo and Bilbo were cornered by Elrond.
"Who is this woman? Did you pick her up from the sea?" He said.
"She droppeth outeth of the skyeth, sireth!" said Bilbo.
"Stop talking like that!" cried Frodo.
"Well... this is certainly something to look over..." Elrond said. Of course his brain was coming up with some perverted things he could do with the newcomer. "What is her name? I don't think I have ever seen such a woman before."
"She said it was Dervla..." said Frodo.
Elrond sputtered for a moment. "N-Not DERVLA the RED!" Then, he suddenly stopped and thought a moment. "How do I know that name. She wasn't in the trilogy..."
"That's right! My name is Dervla the Red!" came the bubbly voice of Dervla from out of no where. She rounded the corner and giggled. She was wearing elvish robes of black and red. Suddenly, though, she wasn't as tall. She was the same height as Frodo.
"What the!" said Frodo, who was now speaking in incomplete sentences.
"Wow! Like... I'm the height of you!" she said to Frodo. "What are you anyway..."
"I'm a hobbit... we're all like this..." he said to her. "Except I'm the tallest they have ever seen because the man who plays me is taller than the other hobbits."
"That's so cool!" she giggled.
"Why areth you hereth..." said Elrond.
"STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!" growled Frodo.
"Um... I don't know... I think it has something to do with some ring called the ring of Giddiness and Stupidity..."--evil doomsday music played for a second.-- "It's the only one of it's kind!" she said.
"The one ring of giddiness and stupidity..." said Frodo.
"Yeah! And I'm supposed to bring along someone called Frodo Baggins into Middle Earth to find this ring. I'm also supposed to bring in two more before we are done..." she said in her cheerful voice. "But I'm sure I'll find them soon enough!"
Frodo stepped toward her, his blue eyes catching her red ones. He had not noticed them before, but now he saw them. They were both frightening and beautiful. Strange, lovey dovey music started playing suddenly. "Where is that coming from..." he said. The music came to a screeching halt.
"My name is Frodo Baggins..." He said to her.
"Really?!" She giggled and jumped up and down in glee. "YAY! We can go find the ring now!"
"But what about us? Why are we in this at all?" said Elrond and Bilbo in unison.
"You two don't matter anymore..." She said gleefully and zapped them out of existence.
"My uncle! Lord Elrond!" Frodo cried.
"Don't worry about them! They'll be fine when all this is over!" Dervla giggled. She grabbed Frodo's hand and dragged him out of the palace. "Onward!" she cried as they walked toward the sea even though she had no clue where the hell she was going.
The three orcs and Isolt the Black were traversing through the evil lands, so marked by the many signs made by an industrious Golum. "Evil land, here is, creatures! My home now! Go back!" he said in his usually scratchy, nails on chalkboard voice.
"You! Creature!" Isolt demanded with a pointed finger at him. "Why make all of these signs!"
"Because Golum don't have anything better to do..."
"Golum be fool!" said the first orc.
"I concur... he could go to some nice darkened hole instead of stay here in these lands..." said Pete the orc.
"Let's eat Golum! Might be good!" said the second orc.
"Yes! Let's! I rather enjoy eating trillion year old hobbit..." said Pete as he smacked his lips.
Golum jumped up and ran away, dropping his hammer and nails along the way. "Golum go now! ACK! Golum must flee before he is fried up as food for the three orc stooges!"
"Never trust a man who speaks of himself in the third person..." said Isolt as she licked her now painted black lips. Then, she stepped onto a rock and shook her fist up at the heavens. "Now! Onward! Onward to the mainlands to find the ring! BWAH HA HA HA HAHA!"
Dervla and Frodo got off of the ship that sent them back into Middle Earth. Frodo set his hobbity foot on the shore and looked at the land. Dervla came up behind him in the elvish clothes that she had been given. He looked at her and smiled. "It's been a while since I was here last..."
"Oh good! You can be my tour guide!" she giggled as she looped her arm through his and smiled cheerfully at him.
They walked along into the woods. "You did think to bring food and supplies with you, right?" Frodo asked ten minutes later.
"You forgot our supplies?! How are we supposed to eat or sleep on this wild journey that you're forcing me into!" Frodo said with irritation.
Dervla, who being the same height as Frodo, looked rather odd as she sheepishly dug her booted toe into the ground. "Sorry..." she said quietly. She resembled a child at the moment.
He sighed. "Okay... tell me one thing... what exactly are you...?"
Dervla didn't look up at him. She dug her toe into the ground and swayed slightly with her hands behind her back. Her long red hair swung with her. "I... I'm a wizard..." she said.
"You don't look particularly mannish to me..." Frodo said as he stated the obvious.
"I'm an Istari... I was sent on a mission to find the one ring of stupidity and giddyness and take it back..." she said. She still didn't look at Frodo.
Frodo sat down on a log. "I wish Sam was here..." He sighed. "What does this ring do, exactly..."
She looked up at him finally. "Well... whomever wears it can make whomever they want stupid enough for them to follow the ring bearer... I think..."
"So it doesn't change much..." Frodo said. He stood up and stretched. "Well... if you are a wizard, like Gandalf... shouldn't you have a staff?"
It was like someone had punched the information control panel in Dervla's head. "That's right!" she gasped. "I'm supposed to have a staff! I knew I had forgotten something on the way down."
Frodo sighed. "What else have you forgotten...", Frodo paused for a moment, "Stupid question..."
"Oh no! The ring is affecting you now! And we don't even have it!" Dervla jumped over to Frodo and grabbed his face in her hands. "Wake up, nice little creature! Wake up! The ring is trying to take control of you!"
"Let go of me! I'm fine!" He grabbed her hands and tried to pry them off of him. He finally wrenched her off of him and jumped away from her. "YOU however..." he said, taking to not finishing his sentences again.
"Now stop that! I do too finish my sentences!" he cried to the narrator. Ooops! That's me!
"So what am I to do about a staff? I have to make one, but out of what?!" Dervla said weakly.
"Like I know! Gandalf just carried around his staff... it was made out of wood. Then, I think it changed when he became Gandalf the White." Frodo started thinking. "Maybe you can ask for one..."
"Alright..." She stretched her hands to the heavens. "Oh mighty Powers That Be! Let me have a staff borrowed off of the set of the Return of the King movie! It should be cooler than that of Gandalf the White for he was a shabby old geezer!"
Lightning struck the ground in front of her and Gandalf appeared. "I am NOT just an old geezer!" He said and hit her over the head with his staff. Then, lightning struck and he disappeared.
"Okay! Okay! I'm sorry! I didn't mean an old geezer!" Suddenly, she had shrunk slightly. She now up to Frodo's collarbone. "I said I didn't mean it! Ack!" She fell over a root and landed hard on her rear. "Why'd I have to shrink again...?" she whimpered.
Frodo sighed and walked over to her, holding out a hand to help her up. She took it and rubbed her rump painfully. "I guess that answers your question then, doesn't it..." Frodo said. "Come on... I know a place we can go..."
The three Orc stooges and Isolt walked along in a section of wood that they didn't know. "You there!" Isolt pointed to the second orc. "Where are we!"
"We be in wood of legendary singing orc princess!" he said.
Suddenly, A blonde elf flew at the second orc and banged it's head on the ground as if to emphasize every word he said. "I (bang!) Am (bang!) Not (bang bang!) A (bang!) PRINCESS! (Bang!)" He growled.
The second orc coughed weakly. "Okay..."
The blonde elfin man stood up and kicked the orc angrily. Isolt grinned evilly and licked her painted black lips. "Hello there... my name is Isolt the Black... and you are...?"
The elf glared at her and looked as if he were about to reach his swords on his back. Isolt smiled even wider at him. "Get out of my forest, foul creatures..." He said dangerously.
"Wouldn't dream of staying here any longer than we have to, elf..." Isolt said sweetly. She walked over to the second orc and kicked him in the stomach. "Get up, you fool! Now!"
"Must leave foul forest!" said the first orc as he shook from fear.
"I do say that it rather too pretty for my health..." said Pete as he pushed his glasses up his almost nonexistent nose.
Meanwhile, Dervla and Frodo had walked into another wood. Frodo looked around him in awe. "I don't remember this place... I think we took the wrong path..."
"I know this place! It's a forest!"
"Thank you... Thank you for stating the obvious..." Frodo said flatly. "I know it's a forest, but I don't remember which one it is..."
"It's very pretty, this place..." Dervla said.
They walked along until out of nowhere, there was some shouting. Frodo heard it and Dervla started running. He followed behind her as quickly as he could. "What the hell is that!"
"It sounds like a fight!" Dervla shouted.
Suddenly, she was run into by someone much larger than she and landed on the ground. "Owie..." she whimpered.
"What the hell..." came a voice. Frodo knelt down beside Dervla to help her up. He saw the woman in front of him and Dervla. She was very tall and deathly pale with long black hair, black lips, and very large, yellow hawk like eyes. "Oh... Making new friends, Dervla, are you?" she said.
Frodo looked to Dervla and she shrugged. "No clue who she is..."
"Don't remember your DEAR sister Isolt the Black? Shame on you, Dervla..." Isolt said in a sweet voice. Too sweet.
Frodo suddenly realized that he was surrounded by three orcs pointing their cruel looking swords at him and Dervla. He gulped. "I think we're in trouble..."
"No you aren't!" came another voice.
A blonde elf swung on a vine from one tree to another. Then, he rammed into the next tree. After he slid down the trunk and sprawled on the ground, He coughed and stood up wearily. "I meant to do that..." he said.
"Legolas!" Frodo shouted. "I don't have Sting with me! Help!"
"Did someone call me?" A thin, aging man with a penchant for making bizarre songs came out of no where.
Isolt wasn't the least bit amused. She just pointed her finger at the man and zapped him from existence. "He should know better than to come on as a cameo without being in the plan..." she said, blowing the smoke from her finger.
"Don't worry! I can combat this woman!" said Dervla as she got to her feet.
Isolt laughed a horrible laugh. "OH HO HO HO HO! This pint sized pipsqueak thinks she's going to hurt me without her staff?! HO HO HO HO!"
"I may not have my staff, but I'm an ankle biter!" Then, Dervla hit the ground and gnawed on Isolt's shins.
"Off! Get this hobbit wanna be off of me!" Isolt cried as she kicked at Dervla.
"You've got to admit... she has guts..." said Legolas as he sidled up to Frodo. Frodo simply nodded.
"Fine! I see I must use force on you!" Isolt growled. Suddenly, lightning came out of no where and zapped Dervla. She jerked around for a second and dropped to the ground.
"Oh great, now I'll have to carry her!" Frodo said.
"Let's get rid of this foul witch before she zapps your ass..." Legolas said.
Legolas shot an arrow at Isolt and she flew into a tree. It took a moment to realize what had happened. Frodo saw her against the tree with he hand in front of her holding the shaft of the arrow. Then, he realized that she was holding the arrow head away from her. "I think we can deem this an oh shit moment..." Legolas gulped.
Isolt grinned evilly at them and cut the air around her with the arrow. It turned into a long black staff with a black stone on top of the cruel, sharp, knife like things protruding from the end of it.
"Now... I have my staff..." he said with a smile. "And now... I must go! Orcs! With me!"
She made a circle in the air with her staff and a circle of blue fire shimmered in the air. Isolt jumped into the ring and disappeared. The orcs followed her and disappeared as well. Then, the blue ring vanished.
"Great... now what..." said Frodo.
He knelt to Dervla and lifted her up. He threw her over his shoulder and carried her over to Legolas. "So she's one of the Istari? Rather small isn't she?" Legolas said.
"She keeps shrinking... I don't know why though... and neither does she..." Frodo said uncomfortably.
Suddenly, Dervla shrank again. She was about the size of a Barbie doll, or rather she was about three inches tall, and better proportioned than the deformed dolls themselves because she is real and Barbie isn't.
She fell into Frodo's shirt, waking up just in time to grab one of his nipples. "Ow! Ah! OW! OW!" Frodo cried.
"What's wrong... Don't prefer a woman to get in your shirt?" Legolas said with a grin.
"She's got one of nipples! OW!" Frodo grunted in pain as he glared at Legolas.
"Oh she's a kinky one, is she..." Legolas said, rather amused with the entire thing.
"You... aren't helping, Leggy!" Frodo grunted as he tried to get at Dervla.
"I'm sorry! I don't mean to hurt you! Oh! Don't grab me there!" Dervla cried from inside the shirt.
"Well, don't grab onto me like that!" Frodo grunted. "Let go of me!"
"Only if you'll pick a better place for your fingers to be, springy boy!" Dervla growled.
"A match made in heaven..." Legolas grinned as he sat down on a stump, grabbed a bowl of popcorn and watched the show with 3-D glasses on for a better effect.
A/N: Okay... another one of these things from me... I just wanted to say that Sting doesn't belong to me, even though I wish he was nicely wrapped for my stocking, and the Singing Orc Princess isn't my idea... I forgot who wrote that story, but you need to read it... It's great... Until part two!