And Who Washes the Dishes this Time...?
On the shady, sinisterly purple Planet Z, Evil Emperor Zurg was humming complacent to himself. In front of a large mirror, he evaluated his looks.
"Oohahaa, Jim-kraken-dandy, I am so handsome! And glorious! Ahh the silvery moons of space shine together with the magnificent horns of my majestic helmet, hmhoohaahuhoohehaa..." he kept humming a song. All kinds of athletic poses he practiced briefly in front of the looking glass. A black suit costume attired his tall form, a fine purple silk tie with little golden izzards was around his neck. The horns of his mask were polished, as well as the yellow grill shined like a new penny.
Today Zurg would have a date. It was merely a blind date, arranged by some of the fellow dark lords of the Galaxy. And so decided the Emperor to keep a free night from evil business -well almost, since he would get an angina pectoris if someone called him "Chummy Emperor Zurg", or "Kindly and Caring and Cute Emperor Zurg". And, who was the lucky girl? A young blonde supermodel called Minnie Lulu.
A whiz later, the best restaurant of Trade World received an imperial guest. In the wide hall outside the main dining cabinets, a testy figure had waited already for two hours. Finally this woman dressed to a long pink dress (ruffles and blinking sequins added in it of course) stood up, as she noticed a sturdy male with shining horn helmet storming in.
"Mr. Zurg I assume?" she snapped. "You're late."
"That is Evil and Emperor and then just comes the Zurg. That is my name. And I am not late. It is nifty-nifty nine o'clock, Planet Z time." He glanced at his big purple watch.
"Uhh... Planet Z time? I thought..."
"You thought what? Of course it shall be Planet Z time, my own glorious calendar. Oohahaa, I am such a genius, I made my own calendar! And it evilly, maliciously has a different time than that pathetic Alliance! Muwahahaha, I am a very bad boy!" A few minutes went by as he gloated there, but ultimately recalled the purpose of this Trade World trip.
"Ahh, indeed. You must be then Bonnie Lilo." He bowed a little and smiled at the girl.
"Tehehee that's actually Minnie Lulu", she smirked back, extending her hand up, waiting for a chivalrous kiss on it.
"Well that is sweet. Oh, and you can put your hand away. Cooties, you know. I am very strict about personal hygiene."
Almost boiling the hypermodel followed the smugly simpering man. A butler waited at the dining salon entrance. Behind him, spread a wide hall decorated with red velvet curtains, cut-glass chandeliers, while Mozart's sophisticated violin music played in the background. But, of course Zurg had matters to complain.
"I ordered a PRIVATE cabin! Not a table to share together here with the pathetic creeping earthworms! I am an emperor, a royal overbeing, and The One who can bake the best bunzel muffins in this universe!"
"Excusez-moi, mon mauvais empereur... but your order came too late. Our cabinets are full. Seulement we have l'espace dans la salle." The employee -one of those proud ones that had his nose always pointing at the ceiling- answered.
"GRRRRAAAAAGHHAAAAHHAAAAAHAAHAHAHAAAA!" Obviously Zurg had a little outburst of anger. Well, at least the burned carpet and the charred orchestra (that had previously sophisticated played Mozart) proved it. "Very well then, I shall take your pitiful icky yucky puny hall table!" he grated his teeth behind the helmet.
"Eh bien... Shall you pay the damaged carpet and the orchestra later or now?"
"Hmph, add it to the bill. I shall turn on that later. Now I am trying to have a date here."
However, a prissy personality is always too prissy. The butler had led the couple at the best table of the common hall, but of course it did not fulfill the standards of the self-proclaimed ruler of the galaxy.
"Now what is this? Where are the little izzard-decorated purple napkins? Why do not the backs of the chairs have horns? When I was just a wee evil genius, already my highchair had little cute horns! Ohh if Nana Zurg would be here to see how her son is treated! Pihhhh!"
However, the staff of this fine restaurant was used to all kinds of moping customers. With a swish, the worker lit the chandelier, took the orders and left.
The atmosphere turned lighter, though. Miss Lulu was soon giggling delightfully at Zurg's flattery. Now, there actually was a big opportunity! After all, she was on a date with a rich emperor -who just occasionally was a bit gruff and absurd.
"Ahh, is that not lovely?" the man rubbed his fingers together after the girl had finished some fascinating story about manicures and pink pumps. This of course had for the most part passed Zurg's ears.
"Tehehehee, aren't you so sweet?" she piped, as he abruptly took a bucket of violet tulips from the shelter of his tuxedo, passing it to her. But a scream followed, as a swarm of some buzzing insects flew out of there.
"EEEEEEEKHHH! IIIIIIIIIII! Takeitaway! Takeitaway!"
He pinned one of the bugs between his thumb and middle finger, taking a closer look at it. As he kept it high in the air, a sharp glance aimed at it, the declaration was heard. "But these are my little mini-hornets I once made to get Team Lightyear's -Grr, that cursed, blasted name!- DNA to make clones! How did these little cuties got lost in the flowers?" Zurg patted the tiny robot on its head and it purred pleased back. However, the super-duber-model was not that gratified. She stood on her chair and swung her hands around, screaming. A cloud of those insects whirled around her.
"Ah, would you stop that? They like the flowers, that is all." He calmly took the bouquet from her hand, and threw it over his shoulder. It landed on the plate of the fat Tangean duchess sitting at the behind table. The droning pack followed, and miscellaneous shrieks were heard.
Some minutes passed, and the coaxing had done its job again. Miss Lulu chirped as jovially as ever.
"So, my lovely Minnow, may I ask... how old are you? Well, of course a man should never ask that, but I shall believe an evil Emperor has some special rights." Zurg smirked widely.
"Ihh, teehee, well, actually my name is Minnie, ihihihi..." she cooed, "But I can tell you I'm nineteen. Soon twenty, but still nineteen. And you...? May I guess? Twenty-five? Or... do I dare to guess... twenty-eight?"
The Emperor spruced himself smugly up. "Nuh-uh, I can gloriously double that former. A few months ago, I brilliantly stepped over the purple doormat of the fiftieth year of my plentiful existence!"
The girl perked, horrified. She was sitting at the same table with some half-a-century old wrinkled gramps? Where was the emergency exit? But, for her ill fortune, there was none at hand.
"Eh, eh, tehee, wondering where the food delays..." she uneasily shifted the topic. Maybe she could try to stay until the dinner was finished. However, right at the moment the steward arrived, with a trolley.
"Voici, les escargots de la mademoiselle... et eh bien, voici le plat de l'empereur... roasted izzards with gravy and vin pourpre!"
Minnie took a forkful of her delicacy, munching it daintily. Zurg's food chooses astonished her a bit. "Eh... may I ask how do roasted izzards taste like? Umm... are they meat, or what?"
"Actually, I do not know. Never found out what they really are. But they taste glorious. Ahh, a fine sinister spice adds its kiss to them, oohahahaa, a piquant aroma that caresses my sore taste buds... ooo!" He was to eat the first spoonful of the soup-like food, but did not remember in his absent-mindedness that he was wearing a helmet. The spoon got all the way smashed against the grill, crooking to useless junk. And his tie was now swimming in gravy.
"GRAHHHH!" What an annoying situation. With a quick move, he took the messed-up tie away, and pulled a clean one from his pocket. This one had little Mickey Mouse -figures on a violet background. The old one was again thrown over his shoulder, and it ended up floating in the soup of the Tangean duchess.
"Waiter! There's a Zurgean tie in my soup!" some yackety-yak was heard from that table.
Now there was another problem. How would the Emperor eat with his helmet on?
"Why can't you take it away?" the blonde asked irritated. "I mean... you could eat and also I... kind of would like to see to who I'm talking to!" Now of course she really did not want to see how wrinkly the male was, but maybe she could understand his speech better. That metallic slur just did not improve the listening comprehension.
"Absolutely not! Duh, why was I wearing a helmet, if I would have nothing to hide! And I do have something to hide! Emperor Zurg shall never reveal his face!" he crossed his arms across his chest.
"But how are you going to -hello- eat?" she spread her arms. Was this man strange or what!
"Umm well... that is indeed a bit of a teensy weensy problem... ohh poo!" he growled, being frustrated now. The delicious nosh was getting cold.
But suddenly something happened. Startling, Zurg was to drop his eyes. Was that not Buzz Lightyear who walked just in to the same dining hall? Miss Lulu was sitting back against the entrance, so she did not notice the newcomers. Yes, it was that captain blushingly marching there, also a tuxedo on. And also on a blind date with some girl.
A cold shiver went down the Emperor's back. With a quick move, he slinked under the table and peeked from behind the tablecloth.
"Quasars, is it not that cursed Buzz Lightyear ruining even my date! He may not see me! But he shall recognize me if I have my helmet on!" Now there was a dilemma!
"Excuse me..." she bent down and lifted up the table cover, "What are you doing down there?"
"Uhh, ahh... my son... ah, my enemy, uhm... alright, I dropped my Pokémon trading card pack onto the floor and had to go gather it up. Happy?"
Sighing she rose up. Maybe she should finish her escargots a bit faster?
A long finger popped up from behind the table edge. "And I also found out a glorious way to eat! I do not need to wear my helmet!" Soon the man himself appeared back, a brown paper bag put over his head. It had eyeholes and a third one for his mouth. Some black beard hair was hanging from under the paper's edge.
"Mwahahahaaa! Now no one shall recognize me! Ahh is this not a brilliant, marvelous idea? I can also enjoy my lovely naughty food!"
The girl was to faint for shame. But behind her, Buzz Lightyear did not identify the sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance. Zurg kicked the loose helmet more in the shades of the tablecloth, and happily slurped his soup.
Obviously the Captain's date had not been successful, since after half an hour, his companion pattered grumpily out. Buzz was about to follow her, but some waiter snatched his sleeve, carrying a kilometer-long bill. The puzzled space hero -who had not enough money- was directed into a back room... to wash dishes.
Gleefully the Emperor of course gloated at his table, after seeing the fate of his foe. "Ahahahahaha! What a hoot! Puny Buzz Lightyear washing dishes! Uuhhahaahaa, grawahahahagrrrhhhaaah! Ohh this is such a dandy tidbit!" Minnie opposite to him drummed her fingers against the table surface. When was this going to end? Nonetheless, with some cajolery, she was tittering again.
"Ahh what a lovely dress you have, Myrrie! That uhh... pink goes fine with your... uhh... pink lipstick."
"Ihhihii tih! But actually, it's Minnie."
Time of the dessert came. As Lightyear -well the other Lightyear- was gone, Zurg was free to put his helmet back. This of course caused again some harms. He was about to enjoy a fluffy bunzel muffin, but it got all the way squished against the metallic mask grill.
"Now is this not just the little rock in my purple downy slipper? Grroohhh!" And so the mushed pastry flew again over his shoulder, hitting the Tangean duchess on her head and dropping her toupee off. This was the last drop for the blue-blooded aristocrat, who screaming ran away from the restaurant.
"Ahh... where were we? Ah, yes, the muffin... hmhoo, I shall put the paper bag once again on. I want to enjoy my aromatic coffee brought far, far away from the mysterious Dagobah System, and this..." Suddenly he heard his wrist communicator ring. With the melody of The Imperial March, it told that some grub was calling him from Planet Z.
"Now what, you whiny pathetic lackey? Cannot you see I am on a DATE?" he snarled to the wee bug in the vidscreen.
"Uhh my evil emperor, your..."
"That is Evil Emperor, with CAPITAL LETTERS! Evil Emperor, not evil emperor!"
"Ahh yes, your sinisterness, but may I mention your schedule for today? You forgot the test run for the new Zurgo-Ooze-Destroyer!"
Taking a small horned notebook from his pocket, and a monocle, the villain went through some forgotten issues. "Let us see... three hours of gloating, from two PM to five PM, then some evil bathing with my yellow rubber ducks, then listening to the top 666 hit list of my Evil Imperial Radio Station ZZZ ZM, then some more gloating... and a little more gloating, then half an hour of gloating standing on my balcony... ah, kronks, here it is! Blast, a visit to the Evil Imperial Scheme Factory! Huuh, I must have missed it, because I got prepared for my date!"
"But Sir, you can do the test run also there if you wish!" the minion wheezed.
"Uhh what do you mean?"
"Remember the triggering device of your Hyper-Death Ray? Your favorite pen? Well, it's integrated in it! But if you don't like it, we can take it off."
"Very well then, I shall test it now." The Emperor took the pen from his pocket, watching it. He did not pay attention to the terrified expression on his companion's face.
"See, my evil emrpp... uhh, Evil Emperor, excuse me I forgot the capitals, see the purple button in there?" the grub guided him.
"What button? All the buttons here are purple! Of course! Of course they shall be purple!" But there was also the new one, right where his thumb rested. The bug asked him to press it, and so the little pen began transforming into a hefty bazooka. And... before more instructions were given, the Emperor did his test run. One flash and a terrible smell filled the atmosphere. As the reek and smoke descended, the whole fine dining room swam in some disgusting mess. No one seemed to be hurt, but wails were heard here and there. And the stench was awful.
"Now what was this device's purpose?" the annoyed royal growled. At least he had survived clean.
"If you had listened to me, my Evil Emperor... it teletransports Peevean slug guano all the way from your stocks and the bazooka atomizes it back! You can shoot it all over with that portable cannon!"
Zurg tapped the table surface with a finger. "Now why would I want a cannon that shoots Peevean slug guano? Why would I want that when I do have my good old disintegrator ray, and my ion blaster?" Right at the moment, he noticed his date, who was shedding tears manically.
"Wahaaahhaaaah! Sniff! Look at my beautiful pink dress! Look at it you old stuck-up, scruffy-looking nerfherder! You have ruined everything!" Minnie's outfit was half-covered with the stinking mess.
"Ohh will you cut it out! I am having an imperial conversation here! And in every case that awful pink does not pass you at all. Try some purple." Before he could continue his discussion with the bug, he received revenge from the girl.
"I will never, EVER go on a date with you, again! And pink is my favorite color, how DARE you call it awful!" She gripped his loose helmet from the table, emptied her plate inside it (that was now chockfull of that slug poo), and slammed the whole composition over his head. He was left to sputter and hackle in the background as the weeping super-mega-model blustered away.
As Zurg finally got the ooze away from his mouth, a butler was waiting for him. He had a ten-mile-long bill in his hand.
"Your bill, Sir Emperor!"
"My bill? But I have not even finished my muffin, yet! What kind of service is this?" Zurg cursed, setting the cleaned helmet back over his face.
"Ahem... we consider c'est en bien temps de passer la note... let us see... the decoration of one dining hall, a plate of escargots, a plate of roasted izzards, two desserts, a crooked spoon, a carpet and an orchestra. C'est... a plentiful of uni-bucks, Sir."
"Alright, alright, I will pay! Will you leave me alone, then?" the monarch dug his pockets, in vain. "Ohh quasars! Double dusting superblackholes, I left the wallet in the pocket of my robe!"
"Let me guess, your highness... you have no money?"
"Uhh well... of course an imperial being always can pay later, eh?" Zurg grinned.
"Actually... no." The butler snapped his fingers and two Booster-sized aliens appeared from a secret doorway. They grapped the baffled Emperor from his both arms and started dragging him towards another door.
"You cannot do this to me! I am an Emperor! GRAAAH! My revenge shall be horrible! I shall turn every one of you into mindless imbecile slaves with my Zurgarrific IQ devolvator and..." he fought back the guards.
"We do not care about your threats; you will wash dishes like everyone else."
"Wash DISHES? Me, an Emperor? Do you not have efficient dishwashers here? How can a modern place like this wash its dishes by HAND?"
The butler had a spiteful smile. "Well, for persons like you, that do not pay their bills, we have some special arrangements... last week we had Brent Starkisser here, and guess what, even Madame President has once been in this special room!" Soon the helmet-head was thrown into a steamy chamber, where piles of dirty plates and dishes shook on the tables. "And after your test run... or what it was, you have a lot of cutlery to wash, I promise that! And my guards will watch that you rub every single bowl sun-shiny before I let you go!"
...And in the room, a frightful surprise waited. Buzz Lightyear with an apron on, tinkled cups in the tub. The reaction was foreseeable. A fight between good and evil was set up. Flying saucers speeded in the air, and crashed broken against the walls.
"Evil Emperor Zurg! You will never get away with this! You killed my father!"
"No Buzz, I am your f... ohh never mind! You do not need to know that now! It can wait. You have just ruined my date, and..."
And so the quarrel went on, until the owner of the restaurant concluded that it was cheaper to get rid of these two pests than let them wash more dishes. So, with neat curves, the both men (who had not still paid their bills), were kicked out of the main door. And thus Zurg decided -after his stinking tuxedo was burned, a subsequent bill of 176895765787659765796457646 uni-bucks arrived (including the plates), and a new helmet was bought- that it was maybe better to be without dating. Or at least a few years.