The Wrath of the Conned!
By Jim Robert Bader
ONCE UPON A TIME IN A GALAXY NOT REALLY ALL THAT FAR AWAY,
A LONE BAND OF REBELS WAS PAYING THEIR RESPECTS TO THE LOCAL CHARTER UNION HOUSE FOR "DARK EMPIRES INCORPORATED," WHERE A CERTAIN PRINCESS WAS BEING HELD CAPTIVE AGAINST HER WISHES...
PRINCESS: (Sees door to cell opening, Storm Trooper enters) Oh great, more torture! Haven't you guys got anything better to do than ask me the same stupid questions over and over again?
TROOPER: (Takes off helmet and reveals a shock of crimson hair) I ain't here for that, I'm here to rescue you! The name's Ranma Skywalker!
PRINCESS: (Stunned) Ranma Skywalker?
TROOPER: Hey, go with it, okay? It's not like I'm writing the script to this fanfic!
PRINCESS: Oh, okay. My name is Princess Akane Orgasma. Wanna be friends?
RANMA:That's cool with me, but we're kinda in a hurry here. My friends and I came to bust you out but we ran into a little...ah...difficulty making an exit.
AKANE: What little difficulties are we talking about?
FIVE SECONDS LATER...
AKANE: (Ducking for cover in the middle of a raging firefight) You call this a rescue?
RANMA: (Hiding with her) Nag, nag, nag...
UKYO:(Firing a blaster at some storm troopers, a giant walking rug at her side) Hi, the name's Ukyo Solo, and this is my partner, Kuno Chewbacca.
KUNO:GREOWLPH! (Translation: Hail to thee, fair maiden, I would date with thee!)
AKANE:What's the matter of him, can't he talk?
RANMA: Ah, he just fell into the Spring of the Drowned Wookie. Ignore the Baka, he's only good for a few laughs.
KUNO: Greowlph! [Translation: Not so, gentle maiden, observe my awesome prowess! (Takes out a big stick and begins whacking storm troopers left and right)]
UKYO: The way's clear, we can get to my ship, the Millennium Phoenix!
AKANE: Millennium Phoenix?
UKYO: It's my traveling fast-food franchise, serving Okonomiyaki to the Whole known Universe!
RANMA: Go with it, you've seen the OAVs, right?
AKANE: Oh yeah, sorry about breaking character like that...
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER THEY MAKE IT TO THE SHUTTLE BAYS WHERE A BATTLE IS IN PROGRESS BETWEEN OBI-WAN GENMA AND DARK SOUN, EACH ARMED WITH A LIGHT-BOKKEN.
GENMA: But you don't understand, I need the boy to train so I can impress his mother!
SOUN:What you don't understand is that the boy belongs to me, and he will marry one of my daughters...or else!
GENMA: But without Ranma his mother will kill me!
SOUN: And without him our two schools of Jedi/Sith Kendo will never be united!
RANMA: Having trouble, Old Man?
GENMA: Run Boy, and take the Princess with you!
RANMA: Okay, seeya around!
GENMA: Wait! Aren't you going to rescue your father?
RANMA: Naw, I think I'll stick with your first plan, have fun with Mister Tendo!
SOUN: That's DARTH Tendo to you, son! And where do you think you're going with my daughter?
AKANE: Dad! You're not supposed to reveal that until the sequel!
SOUN: Oops! Sorry about that, I forgot...
ANOTHER FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, GIVE OR TAKE A SPACE DOGFIGHT...
UKYO: Well, looks like we gave those Imperial slugs the ol' boot...
KUNO: GREOWLPH! (Translation: "Hah, they didst flee the might prowess of the dread Warrior-knight, Tatewaki Kuno!)
AKANE: Shouldn't we get him some hot water or something?
RANMA: Naw, I like him better this way, besides...I need the water for me!
RANMA POURS WATER OVER HERSELF AND INSTANTLY CHANGES TO MALE FORM
AKANE: (Impressed) Wow that's some makeover! Just add water!
UKYO: (Hugs Ranma) Ranma-Honey, you look so hunky every time you do that!
AKANE: (Gets angry) What the heck do you think you're doing, you...you Pervert?
RANMA: Hey, we ain't Yoi, and she technically is engaged to me, y'know.
UKYO: Nothing technical about it! Uncle Genma engaged us when we were kids after making that deal with my dad in exchange for some spare parts for his space ship.
RANMA: Yeah, but we crashed landed on that planet where we spent the last ten years in training for me to become a great Jedi Kempo Master. Good thing it was a Desert world, though...no cold water for me to haveta worry about. Then he dragged me to that Swamp Planet and turned me over to that pervert, Happo-Yoda, for some additional training.
AKANE: So, where do we go from here?
RANMA: I dunno...we had the rescue you from the Imperial cell part figured out, but I guess now that you're here we could try finding the Rebel Secret Hideout...
AKANE: Are you kidding? That's the first place they'll look! Head for Planet Nerima, my sister owns a casino there, Nabiki Calrisian
UKYO: How come she has a different last name than you, Sugar?
AKANE: She changed her name for tax purposes.
RANMA: Of course, and besides it's part of the riff here.
SUDDENLY THE SHIP IS SHAKEN BY A MIGHTY CRASH AS ONE BULKHEAD WALL BURSTS INWARD.
UKYO: (Gasps) It's Shampoo Fett, the Bounty Hunter! She's found us!
KUNO: GREOWLPH! (Translation: I think I'll go off and practice my Shakespeare Sonnets...)
EVIL VOICE CACKLES AS ANOTHER FIGURE HOPS IN THROUGH THE HOLE.
DARK FIGURE: And that's not all, Son-In-Law, I'm here with my great granddaughter!
RANMA: (Shuddering) It's Cologne the Hutt! I'll get the money for you, honest!
COLOGNE: Too late, Sonny...you passed the deadline for our bet, now you'll have to marry My great-granddaughter!
SHAMPOO: Airen, you have date with Shampoo now?
DARK SOUN: (Stepping in through gap) Just one moment! Ranma will marry my daughter, I have it here in writing this document that was signed in blood by his father!
RANMA: (Shocked) Old Man?
GENMA: (Sheepishly) Well, what did you expect me to do, Boy? It was MY blood, after all...
SOUN: Now, Ranma, you will marry my Akane!
RANMA: Hey, wait a second...isn't she supposed to be, like, my sister or something?
AKANE: (Bonks him on the head) You're giving away the plot for the sequel, dummy!
SOUN: I have the authority here of the Emperor, who will now conduct the ceremony to make it official!
HOLDS UP HAND AND PROJECTS A HOLOGRAPHIC IMAGE OF THE EMPEROR HAPPOSAI.
DARK HAPPY: Now, my boy, you will turn over all your lingerie to me, and marry the Princess so you can unite our evil houses.
RANMA: (Shocked) Hey, wait a second, you look just like Happo-Yoda!
DARK HAPPY: We're fraternal twins, boy...I'm his evil counterpart, you studied under the Good.
RANMA: THAT WAS THE GOOD SIDE?
GENMA: (Holding up sign) Scary isn't it?
KODACHI: (Appears from hole) Just one moment here! Why don't I have a part in this Fanfiction?
RANMA: We were fresh out of characters...musta been an oversight...honest!
UKYO: Uh...excuse me for asking this, but you guys just broke in on my traveling Franchise Ship, the Millennium Phoenix?
UKYO: So...what's behind you guys to keep out the vacuum?
EVERYONE TURNS HEAD JUST ONE MOMENT BEFORE THE AIR STARTS TO RUSH OUT OF HOLE, SUCKING EVERYONE OUT INTO THE BLACKNESS OF SPACE...
KASUMI: (Robotic form) Oh dear...nature does abhor a vacuum, doesn't it?
R2D2-type Pig robot: BWEEEEEE! (Translation: Ranma, you jerk, protect Akane!)
RANMA: (Clutching at edge of hole) UCCHAN, YA GOTTA BIGMOUTH!
UKYO: (Sheepish) Sorry about that, guys...it was a mistake, honest!
AKANE: (Sailing out hole) RANMA NO BAKAAAAA!
ALL AT ONCE THE SCENE BLACKS OUT AND AKANE TENDO WAKES UP IN HER BED, SWEATING PROFUSELY. SHE GETS UP, GOES DOWN THE STAIRS, FINDS RANMA SLEEPING IN HIS ROOM WITH HIS FATHER AND SPLASHES HIM WITH A BUCKET OF COLD WATER.
RANMA-CHAN: (Sputtering) W-What did you do that for?"
AKANE: Even in my dreams you're such a PERVERT!
SHE BOOTS HIM OUT THE WINDOW.
Moral of the story: No matter how "neat" the idea, some Crossovers should NEVER be allowed to happen!
To be Continued?
Comments/Criticisms/Crossover Complaints: shadowmane
I got the idea for this parody this morning while working at my regular job and just had to write it down. No, this isn't a substitute for continuing "Jedi Kasumi," and that is DEFINITELY a project in the works, but...well...when I started to think about the similarities between Star Wars and Ranma...this just sorta took shape in my mind, and I never could resist the Hilarious side of the Farce!
Have fun, and hope to see you guys at AX (if I can manage somehow to get down to Anaheim for the weekend)
(And may the Farce be with you...Always!)
If you wish to check out my other works, Please check out my Fanfiction webpage at: . or it's mirror site at: . All related chapters of this series can be found there along with my other works.