How to write an LOTR Mary-Sue

Disclaimer: All characters within belong to JRR Tolkein, but Mary-Sue is a general character. I'll admit that I'm not much of a fan of Mary-Sues.

Instructions: Delete location, character etc as applicable.

It was the middle of the night in Mirkwood/Rivendell/Lothlorien/Hobbiton/Mordor. The moon shone brightly, reflecting off the blond/brown/black/white/other hair of Legolas/Aragorn/Boromir/Frodo/Sam/Gandalf/Gimli/Elrond, as he walked through the trees. His extraordinary good looks were clear in the light.

Suddenly, he saw someone else in the woods. Ahead of him was a female figure, and she was obviously very beautiful. Moving closer in fascination, he saw that she was the most perfect, beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"Who are you, fair one?" he asked, breathlessly.

"I am [insert author's name here eg Mary-Sue]. I am an elf maiden/sorceress/half-elf/half-elf sorceress/travelling beauty/frog- kisser," she replied in a bell-like voice.

"I am in love with you, oh Mary-Sue!" the hero cried, "marry me! You are so beautiful!"

Indeed she was very beautiful, with [insert colour] hair, [insert colour] eyes, a slender waist and huge breasts. She moved towards the elf/man/dwarf/wizard/hobbit and flung her arms round his neck.

"I need your help," she whispered, "my brother/father/mother/sister has been captured by Orcs, and I need a brave fighter to rescue them. I have sworn to marry any elf/man/dwarf/wizard/hobbit who does."

"I'll do it!" he declared boldly, "though it be hard and frightening, I'll do it for the love of such a beautiful woman."

He planted a kiss on her lips as a promise, and rode off into the night with his bow/sword/shield/axe/staff/eyebrows at the ready. Mary-Sue watched him go, knowing in her heart that he would succeed. She could still feel his lips on her perfect red ones, and imagine his hands on her body.

:::::::::

Legolas/Aragorn/Boromir/Gimli/Gandalf/Frodo/Sam/Elrond returned the next morning, with Mary-Sue's brother/father/mother/sister/pet goldfish/aunt on the back of his horse. Mary-Sue herself ran out to meet them, hair attractively awry.

"Oh [chosen character]!" she exclaimed breathlessly, "you rescued my [chosen relative]!"

The relative in question was soon led away by the elf healers, as relatives are never useful in a love scene. They looked somewhat miffed at being only an incidental character, a mere plot device, but softened, knowing that it was true love.

Mary-Sue and [chosen character] stared at each other, lost in the depths of each other's eyes. Slowly, their heads were drawn together in a kiss of passion.

"Oh Mary-Sue," [chosen character] moaned as they pulled apart finally, "I've never kissed anyone as good as you."

The scene continued, with the rating climbing as it went on.

::::::::::

Needless to say, they were married the next day and lived happily ever after with lots of little children.

Happily ever after, until the author sees another character she likes, and writes herself into that. It's a vicious circle.

End.

~Like it? Hate it? Review anyway!~