A/N: Here is another one shot. This is part of an old draft of Maria's journal. I had a whole journal that takes place during the movie. However, I wanted to rework it. I'm having trouble getting started from the beginning. I'm posting some of my old chapters as one shots to get feed back and make sure I'm on the right track. All my one shots will all eventually be integrated into a long journal. You may have seen these before. I posted one of them in a journal. I wasn't happy with them so I deleted them and am starting from scratch. Wish me luck! 😀
July 19, 1938
This has been the worst day of my life. Well, it's over. I need to move on. I need to give my life to God and forget what I've been through. It's best for everyone especially for him. He's an important man and I'm just a poor orphaned postulant. He will be much better off with a beautiful woman like Baroness Schrader on his arm. I am really going to miss the children. I've really come to love them dearly. We will all be better off.
Dear God it's not over. I miss him so much it hurts. I mean it actually hurts. It's like a dull ache all over my body. I miss everything about him. I miss his eyes, his smile, and his laugh. I miss his sweet gentle side that shines through despite himself. It breaks my heart that I can't be with him.
I wish I knew how he felt. The Baroness said that he was in love with me. Can it be true? Does he actually love me? Does he think of me when he's alone?
What about the Baroness? Does he love her? I get the feeling that he really doesn't love her. Perhaps he is fond of her and cares for her but real love is different.
I sit here all alone with only God to talk to. I keep thinking of him and what he is thinking and feeling at this very moment. Did I break his heart by leaving? I hope not. The dear man has suffered so much with the loss of his beloved wife.
I think of him and I remember the incident at breakfast just a few days ago. He looked at me and held my gaze. I know nothing of these matters. However, even with my inexperience I sensed his feelings and could see oh well oh I'm so ashamed.
Maybe the Baroness is right and he'll just get over it in time. Perhaps he will one day forget me. At this point, I can't imagine ever forgetting him.
My mind is still reeling after what happened only hours ago. Oh Lord, I close my eyes and I can see him and feel him. I can actually bring back in my mind the way he felt against me.
I can inhale and smell his scent all over again. I can bring back the way his arms felt around my waist. It was amazing his hands felt strong and gentle at the same time. I could feel the warmth on the small of my back. All the contact we had is still fresh in my mind.
I feel so utterly sinful having certain thoughts. I do remember we were in close contact and I felt something coming from the Captain. It was something I have never felt before.
I'm so painfully ashamed. I don't even know how to put it. I guess I could say what I felt indicated that the Captain too was well enjoying the experience and/or the contact with me. The whole experience took my breath away and made my heart pound very hard in my chest. I almost felt as if my heart would pound right out of my chest and splash onto the patio.
I was in shock when it first happened. I couldn't believe it when he asked sweet little Kurt to step aside. He took my hand in his amazing strong gloved hand and we danced.
I literally felt like we were floating on air. His amazing hands sent a spark of heat up my arm and into my chest. The dance progressed and I felt consumed. I was consumed with him and his entire essence.
Then it happened. The dance got closer and our bodies came into full contact. That is when I really well it is difficult for me to even describe it. I felt his full essence as a man. It feels awful to even write it.
The worst part is when I really felt it; it sent a jolt of electricity to my heart and lungs! It LITERALLY took my breath away. It's as if everything else faded around us. It was just the two of us. My lungs deliberately inhaled to take in all of him. I took in his scent, his breath, and his entire physical being as a man. For one brief shining moment, he was not the Captain but the amazing strong man dancing with me.
That beautiful feeling didn't last long. I was jolted back to reality when our eyes met. Believe it or not, our eyes locked in a magnetic gaze. For a split second, it was as if I could see into his soul. Those eyes are indescribably beautiful.
Suddenly, I woke up and felt ashamed. I dropped his strong arm and backed away from him.
Unfortunately, Brigitta felt compelled to point out to me that my face was all red. I could feel the heat on my face. It felt awkward because for what seemed like forever he did not break his gaze with me.
At that moment it seemed like he was looking at me as if he could see into my soul. He seemed to remain in his gaze transfixed.
The poor man was jolted back into reality when he heard the Baronesses voice. I felt let down because the beautiful moment that we shared was over.
I think in order to diffuse and awkward situation the Captain blurted out, "Yes, I think it's time the children said Goodnight."
That gave me an excuse to run off with the children because we had a special surprise prepared. I was hoping that would take my mind off what just happened. I was hoping it would bring my blood pressure back to normal.
I might have recovered if Max hadn't literally grabbed me by the arm as I was trying to make a quick get away. He insisted that I join the party. I protested with all my might.
I wanted to die when he involved the Captain. I was hoping he would somehow tell Max to back off and leave me alone. He casually said, "You can if you want to Fraulein."
My head was spinning. I HAD TO get out of this! I had to get out from under the Captains gaze. I tried to say that I wasn't suitable dressed.
Well, the Captain looked at me with those exquisite eyes of his and said, "Well, you can change we'll wait for you."
It was awful. All I wanted to do was retreat to my room and take a hot bath to melt away the tension. I had no escape now.
Before I knew it the Baroness was in my room helping me. She was brutally honest with me and I didn't know what to say or do. I felt such shame.
She bluntly told me that I'm irresistible to the Captain because I'm in love with him! Then she said that he is also in love with me! I felt such shame that I somehow revealed these feeling without even knowing it. She somehow picked up on my feelings for him.
I couldn't face him again. How could I even look at him or be in the same room with him. I had to leave for good? I needed to return to the abbey where I would be safe and would be able to slowly forget him.
I really don't even know what this is that I'm feeling. I've never been in a position to feel this way about any man. Do I love him? There were times when he literally took my breath away.
When we danced and I really felt him, everything melted around us. He was the only thing in my world. I know I feel something because my heart aches for him. I feel a physical ache.
I close my eyes in the darkness and I wonder about him. I wonder what he is seeing thinking and feeling at this very moment. Is he asleep now? Could he be lying awake in his bed loving me? Does he miss me? Is his heart aching for me? How did he feel when he realized I had left for good? Was he hurt, angry, heartbroken, crushed or betrayed? Did he even care? Did he just dismiss it?
It's so very late and I do need to go to sleep! I wish I could talk to him from my heart. I know what I would say. "Oh my darling man, I miss you! I love you! I really, really do! I wish we could be together! We can't because we are from two different worlds. I pray that you find happiness! I hope you find someone to love you as much as I do at this very moment. I'm so sorry if I hurt you but it is better this way! Please don't ever forget me! I will never ever forget you my darling Captain Von Trapp.