Disclaimer: I do not own or claim to any characters here.
She'd wanted forever with Oz but she still wasn't faithful to him. And even though she messed up big time, it made sense because it was Xander. He was her best friend and she loved him and she'd been picking fonts for their wedding invitations since the second grade.
And as much as she cared for Kennedy, she didn't love her. And even though she didn't meet Aluwyn until they'd been together almost a year, her affair with Aluwyn still made sense.
But when Aluwyn offers her a new situation, she can't say yes. There are many reasons she can't stay with Aluwyn, but a relationship without monogamy creates a new reason. A new fear.
What if that relationship works out, despite everything? What if it means that she really isn't meant to be monogamous? What if it means that it really was just her that made her make those mistakes with Oz and Kennedy and Aura?
She was faithful to Tara. Never cheated. Even though she messed up with Tara, Tara had her loyalty. But what if, maybe, (what an ugly maybe to even think) she wouldn't have been. Not forever.
And what if she doesn't want to know?