This story is 100% tongue-in-cheek, based on a Tumblr joke that Lars was presumably raised by crabs. I drew a comic for it, and then realized I had to do this too. I have no shame.


In all her years of knowing him, Sadie was pretty sure she had never seen any of Lars' family. He would mention them in passing occasionally, both a mom and a dad, but she had yet to actually see or meet them. When she had gone to Lars' house for video games, that had been when they were in the midst of moving to a new house that was more 'accessible for my parents' the boy had reasoned, but didn't explain it any further, and five years later, she had yet to actually go inside Lars' new house. Sadie was worried it would seem impolite if she asked Lars if she could see what his family looked like or if she could meet them, since she wasn't exactly sure what his family dynamic really was, and if they even got along. She wondered and truly hoped that his parents were nice, that their household could be considered a safe-haven for their son whenever he had a particularly bad day at work (which was often, due to his crankiness), and that they were proud of whatever Lars accomplished.

When she did get the courage to ask Lars what his parents were like, he had shrugged and said they were nice, but really quiet, and didn't like going outside the house a lot. "Kind of a couple of hermits...like their cousins," he had spoken with a laugh, though Sadie didn't really catch whatever joke he might have made there. She figured that's why Lars didn't ever ask her to come over to his new house, for sake of his parents' comfort. Going with that assumption, she thought it was sort of sweet of Lars to be so considerate of his family, especially when he didn't show it.

There were a couple of other weird quirks about Lars too that she wanted explanation of, aside from his grumpiness. Whenever they walked through a door or a hallway that was a little bit narrower than normal, he'd turn his body, and sidestep through the passage like it was nothing. If something dropped on the floor, he'd pick it up delicately like he was pinching it. Even weirder was an incident where Sadie was telling him about her weekend, and when she said she and her mother had gone to a shellfish festival and participated in the crab feed, he turned white as a sheet when she said it wasn't his assumption that people were feeding crabs, but the other way around. She knew he wasn't a vegetarian, he ate canned herring, so she was left wondering why it upset him so much.

After several months of dating, Lars had surprised Sadie by eagerly asking her if she'd like to come to his house for dinner, and meet his parents. She immediately accepted, more than excited to meet his family, glad he trusted her enough to let her do so. Now would be her chance to make a great first impression!

When she arrived at his house, she didn't see anything in particular outside that made the house any different from other houses. When Lars had told her the house was more accessible for his parents, she assumed that meant they were handicapped, and required ramps or something. Maybe she should stop assuming things so quickly, especially with someone as strange as Lars.

He answered the door by opening it a crack, peering out carefully, but upon seeing his coworker and girlfriend, he opened it all the way with a grin, "Hi Sadie!", and kept it open with his food, "C'mon in! I just finished cooking!"

"Thanks!", she beamed, and put her purse on the coat rack by the door, not seeing anything particularly different about the house just yet, and cracked a teasing smile to the redhead, "Nice sweater-vest."

He rolled his eyes, "Ugh, don't mention it, my mom said I had to dress up nice for this."

"It's cute though!", she smiled, nudging his side.

Cheeks flushing a soft pink, he shrugged, "W-well, I dress up good, what can I say?", and wrapped an arm around her waist, grinning as he gave a squeeze, "C'mon and meet my folks, they're pretty excited to meet ya."

"A-Aw, really?", she laughed, scratching her cheek awkwardly.

"Yeah, totally!", he snickered, and led her towards a hallway. Sadie had immediately noticed that the walls were incredibly narrow, much narrower than the width of Lars' shoulders. She glanced at him, "Er...how do we go through here?"

"Howdya think?", he rolled his eyes like she was being nonsensical, and sidestepped through the narrow passageway like it was nothing. Sadie took in a breath, and began to do the same, albeit, more haltingly and slow. As she shuffled down, she saw pictures on the wall, some of Lars, some of Beach city, and some photos of different shellfish. Sadie would have to ask about those later.

When she was out of the hallway, he led her into the den, which had a lot of sea oriented furniture and more pictures of sea life. He grinned as he gestured her over to the couch where a wide plastic tub was placed in the center.

"Sadie, meet my mom and dad! Mom, Dad, meet Sadie."

Sadie looked in the plastic tub, and in a shallow pool of water sat two dungeness crabs, not unlike the ones she'd buy at the grocery store. She stared at them in confusion, then stared at Lars, wondering what kind of joke this was.

Lars continued to look at her expectantly, "Go on. Say hi!"

"Lars...these are-"

He folded his arms, "C'mon. Don't leave 'em hangin'"

Still trying to figure out if this was an elaborate prank he was pulling, she awkwardly raised her hand up, "...er...hello," she gave a nervous smile, glancing at the two crabs, and Sadie was unable to tell which was supposed to be Lars' mother or father. "It's... Nice to finally meet you..."

One of the crabs slowly shifted a claw, and twitched a leg, which seemed to delight Lars, who translated, "My mom's happy to finally meet you too!"

Sadie wasn't sure whether to take this as something to laugh at or to take as a warning to make for the exit and run away screaming. Sure, she had expected Lars' family to be a little quirky, but her theories of quirky looked like Leave it to Beaver in comparison to this.

Lars snickered, "I'm gonna fix dinner up, be right back, feel free to chat it up," and walked to the kitchen, sidestepping through the door. Sadie was left sitting on the couch, looking at the water where Lars' supposed parents were crouched and stationary.

"So...um...you have a very nice home," Sadie had awkwardly complimented, wondering if Lars was secretly filming her to laugh at her later. He would be down to pulling something this elaborate if he thought it was funny enough. But crabs?

Neither reacted to the compliment, keeping still in the water.

"L-Lars has told me a lot about you..."

One of the crabs scratched their eye stalk with a pincer, but seemed to pay no attention to Sadie or react to her comment otherwise.

Sadie would have to ask Lars what that meant. She didn't know if that was an action to take positively, or a sign they were not impressed.

Occasionally both crabs twitched their legs, or slightly moved, and Sadie was left speechless, unable to understand the meaning behind these actions. She gave a look that could only be read as 'help me' to Lars when he came in to tell them dinner was ready.

"Getting along OK?," he laughed, and walked over to the couch, kissing her head, and lifted the two crabs out of the water, putting them on the floor. He sidestepped behind them through the door, glancing at them. Sadie sidestepped behind them a small distance away, and heard Lars whispering to them and laughingly awkwardly, "Aw c'mon, it's her first time meeting you guys, of course she's shy."

Once they were in the kitchen, Lars had Sadie sit on one side of the table with him, and his...parents were assisted onto the top of the table without question in front of their plates. Lars had prepared some delicious looking pasta for himself and Sadie, and small plates of what looked like chunks of raw fish and stuff you'd find in the tide pools. Lars whispered to Sadie, "They have a buncha allergies and stuff, so they can't eat any of what we're having."

"Oh, right," she mumbled, face bright red. She had no idea how the heck the rest of this night was going to go. Especially since she'd have to try and converse with something she'd eaten for dinner two weeks ago.

After a bit of quiet eating, Sadie decided to ask, for sake of being polite, "So...um...what do you do for a living?", she asked who she assumed was Lars' mother...or was it his father?

The crab made no change in activity as it continued to eat the particles on its plate, and Lars spoke up, "They run an online business from home. Real estate and junk. They sell the houses near the shoreline."

"Oh, I see," she nodded, "Those are some pretty high end places, they cost a lot!"

"They make a lot of money though," he snickered, rubbing his hands a bit, and took another large mouthful of pasta.

"So...what do you guys do outside of the house?"

Lars' mother, Sadie was sure it was his mother, but not certain, had raised their claw, a small piece of sea grass stuck in it. Lars laughed, "They like going on beach walks. We're pretty laid back."

Sadie managed to give a tiny laugh, "Aww, that kind of reminds me of us."

"Yeah, totally!", he laughed, sounding like a dork, which made Sadie giggle.

"The last time we went on one though, you refused to wear sunscreen!"

"It was greasy and stuff! I don't like that on me all day!"

"You got sunburned so bad though!", she laughed a little more, feeling a little more at ease. Both Lars' parents twitched their eyes as they continued to eat.

"Tch, it wasn't that bad," he snorted, rolling his eyes.

"It was though! You looked like a boiled lobster!"

At that, Lars sat up straight, looking mortified, and both crabs seemed to stop eating. Lars whispered with utter seriousness, "That's not funny."

It took Sadie a second to realize what she had said, and glancing at Lars' parents, and then the framed pictures of shellfish on the wall, gasped, "Oh no! I'm so sorry, how insensitive of me I didn't-"

Lars yelped, "O-Oh, jeez, it's really OK, you didn't know...just...gosh...", he muttered, tugging his collar. He glanced to the two across the table, "She didn't know, she meant well, sorry."

The apologies seemed to sate the crabs, who went back to eating, and Lars gave a sigh of relief, "They're cool with it...whew..."

Sadie's face felt warm with embarrassment, "Oh gosh, I'm sorry I made everything so awkward now."

"No, no, it's fine, really!", he yelped, insisting she was forgiven, and sighed, tugging his ear by the gauge a little, trying to think of how to settle the awkwardness. He glanced over at his parents. One of them raised a claw and twitched their eye stalks, which made Lars burst into laughter, "Jeeze, Dad! Not at the table in front of my girlfriend!"

Brighter red than a strawberry, Sadie awkwardly tried to laugh along, even though she had no idea what was even said. At least things were supposedly ok...

After dinner, Lars had told Sadie his parents offered to clean the dishes and the table, so they could go sit on the patio and relax. She was wondering if Lars really was just pulling her leg by now, since those crabs didn't even budge when they 'talked' to their son. While they cuddled on the back porch swing, Lars had piped up, "I guess you kinda figured they're not my real parents."

She felt a small knot in her stomach, as if he were admitting to this all being a prank, and spoke, "Yeah I kind of knew it from the second I saw them, and-"

"I was adopted," he shrugged, "I never knew my real parents. I've basically known these two my whole life."

"Really," she mumbled, still trying to take this all in. She had so many questions to ask, wondering how a crab could take care of a baby, or much less, sign a paper to adopt said baby.

"I think I get a lotta my charming good looks and personality from them, though," he teased lightly, flicking Sadie's arm.

Sadie gave a small laugh, "Yeah. You do. You're pretty crabby."

"Bad pun," he snorted, "But seriously, y'don't think I'm any weirder because of this do you?"

She thought over it a moment, and sighed, "Y'know, now that I think about it, not really. I mean, Steven has rocks for moms."

"Oh man, don't compare me to Stevennnn," he whined, but it dissolved into a giggle when Sadie poked his side. Their chattering continued longer into the evening until Sadie looked at her phone.

"Aw man, I really gotta get home," she sighed, and stood up, kissing his cheek, and walked inside with him. They sidestepped through the kitchen, and she saw the table was pristine clean, as well as the dishes, which had been neatly stacked. Both of Lars' parents were back in their tub of water on the sofa, antennae twitching a little as Lars told them Sadie was going home.

"Th-thank you for having me over, it was nice to finally meet you," Sadie had spoken, face tinged with a little bit of pink.

Both crabs immediately raised their claws, and Lars mumbled, "Aw geez guys, not in front of her!", then snickered to Sadie, face flushed, "They want you to come over again as soon as you can."

"Aww," she laughed, and kissed him goodbye, heading out to her car. As she drove home, she had decided on two things: One, if this was truly just a long term prank Lars was pulling on her, she'd find out soon enough and get sweet revenge. And two, if this wasn't a prank, she decided it might not be too bad to have such interesting potential in-laws, it just meant she would never be able to eat at a Red Lobster with a clear conscience ever again.