Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Naruto. All rights belong to Masashi Kishimoto.


"I swear to God, Naruto, if you don't put me down in five freakin' seconds I am going to find all of your ramen and set it on fire."

Calm, Sakura reminded herself, you are calm and not angry and not about to shove the sharpest item she could find up Naruto's

"BUT. BUT. SAKURA-CHAAAAA-"

"One."

She was just minding her own goddamn business. Sleeping. She had been sleeping, and it was around three in the fucking morning when these two buffoons she called her best friends (soon to be ex-best-friends, possibly dead-ex-best-friends) had broken into her apartment.

"Hn."

What's worse was that Sakura knew that both Naruto and Sasuke had a key. Both of them. She had specifically given them both a key so they could let themselves in whenever they wanted. Because that's what best friends did.

But, apparently, these two utter morons thought the definition of best friends was to crawl through an open window while said best friend was sleeping oh-so peacefully after a twelve hour shift at the hospital and loudly pull her from her slumber, literally carrying her out her door into the waiting running car outside.

"Two."

She only prayed at least one of them was smart enough to lock the door behind them.

"Dobe."

Sakura sincerely doubted it though. Because, really, she was beginning to honest-to-god question the amount of brain cells between the two of them.

"Three."

"TEME! WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON!?"

Sakura could feel the vein pop in her forehead.

"SASUKE-TEME IS THE ONE WHO CRASHED YOUR VASE WHEN WE CRAWLED THROUGH THE WINDOW, THOUGH!"

Ah. So that was the crash she had heard.

Deep breath, Sakura reminded herself. In through the nose, out through the mouth . . .

After the two morons (because that was what Sakura had come to the conclusion to rename them both as, since the thought of their actual names sent a whole new kind of rage through her) kidnapped her and driven away, both studiously deciding to ignore her questions/threats of castration, and Sakura, being too tired to really care at the time, had fallen asleep once more in the backseat.

She was sorely regretting that decision.

She had woken up in Naruto's arms, which wasn't that bad, but what was worse was where they now were.

The fucking Uchiha mansion.

Oh, hell no.

Naruto – the poor sap – apparently had not wanted to wake her (oh, the irony) and face her wrath, so had instead gathered her up in his arms and started walking into the mansion. It wasn't like she was particularly heavy, anyways.

The downside to this decision was that he and his neon orange jacket was the first thing Sakura saw upon waking, and therefore the target of her fury.

They were still in the long ass driveway to the mansion, so Sakura thought she still had a chance at escape. She just had to make sure those insufferable relatives of Sasuke's didn't see her.

Because, truth be told, getting kidnapped by Naruto and Sasuke wasn't the worst thing they'd ever done to Sakura. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, she would be mightily pissed off with them both, but when they did it, typically they had a decent reason. After a long period of nothing but hospital shifts and ten second meals in-between and possibly a dead patient, Sakura would get a few days off (meaning Naruto would bother the hospital staff while Sasuke pulled his annoying family connections to somehow, miraculously, get Sakura some paid time off) and the next thing she knew, Sakura was getting pulled into an unmarked van and taken to one of the Uchiha resorts.

It wasn't a bad deal, all things considered.

Well. As long as the whole being kidnapped at random times and thrown into strange vehicles didn't bother you much.

In fact, Sakura was almost positive the bastards enjoyed it.

What Sakura had a problem with, however, was when they disturbed her much needed sleep. The sleep both of them had been on her case about getting for the last few weeks.

When Sakura had gone into work yesterday morning, she wasn't all that shocked when she was told to take some mandatory time off. Was glad for it, even.

Sakura had even given up on trying to talk Naruto and Sasuke into calmly, normally asking Sakura to get into the unmarked van. They tuned her out and whenever she brought it up, they'd just get a creepy-ass smirk on both their faces, no doubt replaying some of the more creative kidnappings in their minds.

But the one thing she had truly put her foot down for was the Uchiha mansion.

They could whisk her off anywhere but the Uchiha mansion. Other countries, odd-ball resorts, random ramen shops a few towns over, whatever. Sakura didn't care.

It wasn't that Sakura had anything against Sasuke's home. It was the most beautiful home she had ever seen, really. Three stories high, surrounded by forest, and the longest ass driveway Sakura had ever had the displeasure of hiking up.

What Sakura had a problem with was Sasuke's family.

Bat-shit crazy, all of them. She'd had the displeasure of meeting them all when she was in high school and Sasuke had invited both her and Naruto over to do a school project. Sure, she'd been over to his house before, but she'd just never met all his family before. It was an insanely large home, after all. You could live in the same house with someone your whole life and never actually see them, Sakura thought. Which was maybe the point.

Looking back at it now, Sakura had realized the sudden appearance of every Uchiha that day was largely due to Mikoto's talking about her during a family dinner one night.

Sakura still didn't know the full details of what was said by Mikoto – Sasuke was annoyingly tight lipped about it all – but whatever it was, it got the attention of every Uchiha on the premises.

One thing lead to another, perverted comments had been tossed out, and a punch had been landed onto one Madara Uchiha (who, apparently, was untouchable) that might-have-sorta-kinda left a dent in the wall where he had been punched into.

It wasn't like they couldn't afford the repair, anyways.

And all of a sudden five wide-eyed Uchihas and one dumbstruck Uzumaki had been staring at Sakura, who had just shrugged, apologized to Mikoto for the damage in the wall (conveniently leaving out the damage to Madara) – who had a look of awe and what appeared to be admiration in her eyes, promptly waving off her apology – before Sakura took her leave.

Sakura had been back to the mansion since then, thinking the Uchihas would keep their distance, but had been disturbed to only find that all of them had slowly begun an admiration, then attraction, then all-out obsession towards the pinkette, and thus begun to suddenly pop out of nowhere every time she showed up.

The only two people who'd been more displeased than her about this were Sasuke and Naruto, who'd done their best to shield her from the perverted advances from Sasuke's family.

So why in fuck's name were they dragging her to this hell?

"Five," Sakura growled out.

Naruto unceremoniously dropped Sakura on the couch and ran away, hiding behind Sasuke. He'd been making a bee-line for the front door of the mansion and then the living area ever since Sakura woke up and threatened to burn all of his ramen. Honestly, Sakura was impressed that Naruto hadn't immediately caved the second she had mentioned death to his ramen and ran to hide it all from her.

Sakura was spitting fire. "Da fuck do you two morons think you're doing!? Have you completely lost your minds?"

"Sakura–" Sasuke started, holding his hands up in a mean-no-harm gesture and taking miniscule steps backwards, the most his Uchiha pride would allow him to do in the face of her white-hot rage. Naruto looked to be cowering and whimpering behind him.

But Sakura wasn't hearing it. She was in panic mode now, a just-get-out-alive mode. Every one of her senses was screaming danger, danger, hormonal men alert!

Because that was the problem – the Uchiha men just didn't take a hint. For whatever fucked up reason Sakura couldn't make sense of, they all seemed to like it when she threw them into a wall or punched them so hard they couldn't see straight.

At first, she had thought it was because she was the first female to ever resist their charm, but after so many years and one too many random appearances from them all when she was out-and-about during the day – or that one horrid time Shisui had shown up at the hospital, dressed in a wig and peel off mustache, complaining about pain down there and demanding Sakura to take a look at it – she had just come to realize there was no other reason for their attention besides the fact they were all sick-sons-of-bitches and somewhat sadists.

Sakura was sprinting towards the door. But the door to her freedom was down a long corridor, because the fates just hate her and was making this just as difficult as possible. And because Sakura inherited her poor luck from her teacher, Tsunade, she wasn't quick enough to dodge the flying blob of orange coming her way.

"SAKURA-CHHAAAANNN! SAKURA-CHAN CAME TO VISIT TOBI! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY AND BECAUSE TOBI IS A GOOD BOY SAKURA-CHAN FINALLY CAME TO VISIT OUT OF HER OWN FREE WILL!"

Well. She wouldn't exactly say free will.

"Tobi–" Sakura started, unable to get the right amount of oxygen to her lungs and brain because of the hug he had her wrapped up in.

"SAKURA-CHAN! My love! You have finally succumbed to my advances, have you? I knew it was only a matter of time, my love! Come, let us leave these cretins behind and–"

"Uncle. Be quiet."

"So cruel, Itachi-kun! You're just jealous that Sakura-chan has chosen me!"

"Sakura-chan would never choose an old pervert like you!"

Tobi. Madara. Itachi. Shisui.

Shit shit shit shit.

Sakura saw her life flash before her eyes. By which, she meant, she saw the mixture of black and red eyes flash in front of her, multiple pairs of hands trying to weasel her out of Tobi's embrace. Honestly, Sakura wasn't sure what would be worse – staying in Tobi's arms and dying of suffocation or having the men around her actually get her free and out in the open.

At least one of them was able to find purchase in Tobi's hold on her, because the next thing Sakura knew she was standing on her own two feet, backed into a corner and completely surrounded by Uchiha males.

But that was actually the least of her worries right then. Because Itachi shouldn't be home. He should be away at college.

And if he was here, then that meant they were here, too.

Sakura started seeing spots.

"IS THAT FINE ASS BITCH HERE!?"

Oh, god.

"SAKURA-CHAN IS HERE, YEAH?!"

"SHUT IT, BLONDIE! THE ONLY ONE THAT'S GETTING THEIR HANDS ON THE BITCH IS ME."

"Hey squirt, I'm surprised you would risk your life in coming here, but I'm sure glad to see ya."

"Hello, Sakura-san. What brings you here?"

"Sakura, you're looking as radiant as ever. I could just eat you up."

"Hello, doll. I see you've taken my advice and begun to grow your hair out. It will look so perfect will this dress I saw in the store the other day . . ."

"So tell me, how much did those two moronic friends of yours pay you to come here?"

Suffice it to say Sakura was panicking. But she was tough as steel (and she also knew her fear would only turn on a few of the men around her, the sick fucks) so she didn't show a damn thing on her face.

Instead, she did the next logical thing.

"NARUTO UZUMAKI. SASUKE UCHIHA." She made eye-contact with them both past the crowd of hormonal Uchihas and Itachi's group of friends/gang called the Akatsuki and took pride in the way they both flinched. "YOU'RE DEAD."