SS: Stupid Potter, stupid school, stupid walls, stupid unconscious cursed Longbottom,

(Snape promptly trips over said pupil and falls straight into said wall)

SS: Damn!

AD: Ah, Severus…

(Notices Snape sprawled on the floor next to longbottom.)

AD: What the hell?

SS: Headmaster, I can explain……no I can't.

AD: Don't. Tell. Me. Just…don't.


AD: The minister of magic is coming under no accounts must he find out that Lupin our newly appointed Dark Arts teacher who you hate and currently possess the post at the school that you want. Under no accounts must he find out that Lupin is a werewolf. It would ruin his career.

SS: Of course not headmaster, I shall ensure it doesn't happen.

AD: Good! (Dumbledore's eyes glitter and sparkle)

SS: I have something to tell you Minister.

CF: What is it Snape.

SS:  It's about Lupin, I have some information you should know.

CF: I was just off to see him.

HP: Nooo! You can't.

CF: Oh, and why not?

(Snape smirks)

SS: Yes, Potter, why not?

HG: We can't tell the minister of magic he's a werewolf, what do we do!

RW: Quick, Harry, say something inconspicuous!

HP: Erm…ahem, umm…

Fudge glares

HP: It's his time of the month!

CF: What?!

(Ron nods enthusiastically.)

(Hermione rolls her eyes.)

(Fudge looks puzzled.)

(Snape stands in awe of Harry's…sheer…brilliance…)

HP: …Yes, that's it! It's his time of the month, you know, best not to bother him.

(Ron nods enthusiastically.)

HP: …It can be very messy, you know how it is…

(Hermione despairs in the background gesturing frantically for him to shut up.)

HP: …You know if he's upset…blood stains can be murder to get out and all...

(Snape watches in great amusement as Harry enthusiastically digs himself deeper into a bottomless pit.)

CF: I see…

SS: As I was saying minister…

CF: Quite alright Snape I can figure it out for myself from that.

(Hermione despairs.)

(Snape smirks.)

CF:…However there is no law against it I'm afraid, what he…she…he…whatever Lupin is doing just…leave him be. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it.

SS: But…but…but…

CF: Good evening. (Walks off – Pauses.) You wouldn't happen to know if            Lupin has…plans for this evening would you.

(Snape's jaw hits the floor.)

(Fudge walks off again.)

SS: That's it Potter you're done for this time!

HG: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

RW: Don't worry Harry I shall save you! (Ron quickly employs the ancient curse, one so terrible it can drive the recipient insane.)


SS: Arrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

(Ron's spell quickly backfires, as Snape appears before them in bright coloured spandex.)

HG: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!

RW: My eyes! My eyes! It buuuuuurrnnnnnsss! It buuuuuuuurns!!!

(Ron rolls about the floor in agony.)

HG: Arrrrrrghghghghghghghghhg!

(Hermione twitches violently and collapses.)

HP: Hmmmmm….

(Harry doesn't.)

SS: What have you done to me! You will pay for this!

HP: Hmm… Nice plan Ron.

SS: WHAT???!!!

HP: …I mean…oh,no! Look what happened and…ohno! The terribleness arrghhh!

RW: (Launching himself at Harry.) I'm soooooo sorry Harry.

HP: Erm…quite all right, I think I can forgive you Ron, ahem.

(Snape and Hermione slowly back away.)

AD: (Walks in randomly.)  Severus what is going on here? … (Db looks around sees Ron lying on the floor clamped to Harry's leg and Snape clothed in spandex.)…riiiiiight…

SS: This. Isn't. What. It. Looks. Like.

AD: Hmm? Of course not. Severus I must admit I am terribly disappointed in you and me coming down here to give you the Dark Arts post and everything.

SS: Yes! Finally!

AD: …but I can't now.

SS: What???!!!

AD: Becoming a Death Eater, fair enough Snape but spandex?

SS: I told you…

AD: No, no, no. I'm sorry but it specifically states in the rulebook that no person who wares spandex may ever be given the Dark Art's post, for obvious reasons of sanity.

SS: (sarcastically) This would be the book that states that all of them must be insane or highly dangerous?!

AD: Yes, it does indeed.

SS: …

AD: Preferably both but you know how hard it is to find good staff these days.

(Snape chokes to death attempting to get the right words out to reply.)

AD: Therefore, I have no choice but to appoint the Defence Against the Dark Arts post - to Harry!

(Snape promptly revives.)

SS: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????

AD: I'm sorry but he's quite obviously the best candidate for the job.

SS: You .. Death …Painful …Potter …Job … Mine … Diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Snape dances around the room in his colourful spandex squealing manically.)

AD: Poor man…I do worry about him sometimes.