Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, sue me not~ ^^ (Damn, I'd pay anything to own Zechs Merquise though. *drool*)
Summary: 1x2 fic. Duo-angst. This is your typical "poor abused Duo" and "Heero=bastard" fic. I just felt like writing angst and finally writing a fic with sex in it. Nothing graphic, because I suck at it, but please bear with me~ ^^; Please review! ^^
** This fic is dedicated to " xxkurenaixx " as promised! ^_^* Thanx so much for being my first reviewer. Love you tons! And I love all my other reviewers too! Thanx to you all! Yah~! **
/.../ = thought
Nothing Else Matters
* Duo POV*
I, perhaps, am doing the wrong thing, but I just don't feel that I am. Quatre looked at me, worried, saying that I shouldn't let him do this to me. But what am I to do? Stop him? Push him away?
That would mean stopping my life.
That would mean pushing my soul away.
I remember the first time we became lovers, well... kind of.
He came back from a mission, late at night. He stared at me with his cold and tired Prussian blue eyes. I just stood there, mesmerized. He was so shockingly beautiful. Ever since the first time I laid eyes on him. So impossibly perfect. I was so...
... so in love with him.
Heero probably felt that I would give my everything at that moment. He took advantage of it. The next minute, I found myself knocked to the bed with such force, that I swear I felt my insides shuffle. He crushed my body with his, the bed shuffling and creaking beneath us. We stared at each other's eyes for what seemed an eternity.
My amethyst purple eyes...
His cobalt blue eyes...
Then it all started, abruptly, painfully. He pressed his lips to mine with brutal animal force. I felt my lip split open and crimson red blood trickled out. However, not stopping at all, not even for a second, he kept on kissing me, wildly, lustfully... madly.
Our first kiss... a metallic tasting one.
He started to pull... no... tear off my clothing one by one. When he was done removing all our clothing, he stopped for a while. He just sat there, looking at me. I just dropped my gaze and lifted my hand to wipe off the blood that was still trickling out of my lips. Before I could, he charged at me and attacked my lips again. I felt his savage need, so I did what he was indirectly and literally asking for. I spread open my legs for him. Just like any other good boy would have done for his master.
No preparation, no soothing words, no warning, no nothing. He just rammed into me with all his force, with all his soul. I gasped in pain, but refused to cry. I refused to do anything that would make Heero feel bad. Not that he could feel anything at all, of course, but I liked to think he could. It made my feel like I had the tiniest hope, which is of course, better than nothing.
I could feel my body, my soul, my life splitting in two as he rammed himself in and out of me again and again and again. After what seemed ages, Heero pushed into me one last time as roughly as he could and grunted as he came into me. I just held my breath, trying hard not to cry and to sob and to scream out the pain. When he was finally satiated, he let gravity take over and fell on top of my sore ribs. After a while, he stood up and left to the bathroom. I stayed there, staring at the empty space beside me.
What an irony this was. Me, the boy that loved those sappy and fluffy romance movies, stuck in a scene like this. Stuck in a reality like this. Our first night as lovers, our first time making love, ended up being something informal, and totally unromantic. Of course, I never expected it to be. I was satisfied enough with the fact that Heero even took the first step and had sex with me.
But it hurt.
What surprised me, thought, was the total silence. I had heard that people making love would make lots of noise. That it was pleasuring, that it was a mutual thing. But we had been in absolute silence. I hadn't said a thing, hadn't made a single noise, and Heero hadn't either. He hadn't even moaned a little when he came.
I felt the bed shift once again as Heero came back, all cleaned up. He faced the opposite direction and wrapped the sheets around himself. I felt my heart break to pieces when he didn't even say a word. In fact, I would have appreciated even an "I hate you" from him. But no sign of affection, no response whatsoever. I reached out to touch his shoulder, but I gave up and let my arm drop to the bed silently. I felt the blood trickle down my thighs and seep into the bed. Heero had probably torn something down there, but I was in too much pain to even check. Too tired to even move.
So I let sleep take over.
I wasn't surprised to find myself alone on the bed the next day. I knew it would be like that. It was always like that. Ever since that day. Every time Heero got stressed out over something, every time he came back late from hard missions, he would grab me painfully hard and throw me on the bed. Then he would rip off every obstructing piece of clothing, and he would just take me roughly and quickly. It was not tender, not lasting at all. If I tried to do anything my way, he would slap me hard, my head snapping to the side. I would look up questioningly, he'd growl and scream at me.
"I am in control here. We do things MY way."
I just nodded quietly and whispered an apology. What else could I do? What else?
When I tried to get out of bed that morning after our first time, I was surprised that I could actually stand up. He hadn't even asked whether I was a virgin or not. He probably wouldn't have cared anyways. Having been the virgin I was, that day was the most painful day of my life. I dropped down to the floor at the first step and closed my eyes tightly to try to will the pain away and to stop myself from crying.
I don't know how I ended up in the bathroom, but I had made it. I took a long shower, the caked and dry blood washing away from my lips, my wrists, my thighs, my limbs. The water and the soap stung my wounds like hell.
Then I did what I had sworn not to do.
I started to cry. Well, sob sounds more like it. I let the tears pour out of my eyes and let them trickle down my cheeks. But then, I smiled. I smiled because I knew I wouldn't get caught because the water from the shower would hide them. So I kept on crying until the water turned cold, and I was shuddering and trembling.
From that day on, no matter the how much it hurt, and no matter how rough Heero was, I didn't cry in front of him. Not a single tear. I kept it all to myself because I knew that I could cry in the shower, and all my tears would wash away before being noticed.
Today, though, something's different. I wake up from another night of pain and suffering. Usually, Heero's gone before I wake up. But today... Today he is standing there on the doorway, ready to leave, but not quite yet leaving.
I sit up, wincing a bit, but pushing all the pain away for a while. I look at Heero with questioning eyes.
"We have a mission. Be ready to leave in an hour."
With that, he turns around, and leaves, closing the door behind him with a thud.
I sigh and drag myself to the bathroom, slowly, in order to not rip the dried wounds. Another long cold shower, another very long day.
Quatre looks at me worried. Well, anybody else would have looked at me like that too. I really hate myself when I look at the mirror. I see a living corpse. A body with no soul. Purple and blue bruises decorating my body, scars and wounds scattered about, here and there. I had become so unnaturally thin, that anybody would have immediately thought that I was either anorexic or bulimic even. My eyes had lost its spark, and looked more gray than purple. I didn't talk at all now, and I didn't smile much either.
Oh, no. It's definitely not to make Heero guilty or anything. In fact, if it would make him feel happy, I'd go on smiling. But... but I just haven't been feeling too well to smile and talk much. I just lost the will to do so. Also, I was just so weak, that I would barely even walk around.
I found myself inside Deathscythe, sitting in the pilot's seat. When had been the last time I had a mission? Months ago? It seemed Heero had avoided giving me missions, or had replaced me and gone on them instead of me. I am sure he did so, not because he was worried about me, but worried about the missions. Miserable and weak me. I would definitely mess up and fail the missions. That would mean disaster for Heero.
Today must be important though. He didn't explain to me what the mission was about, so I didn't bother to ask. Heero does things only when they are necessary. I thought perhaps this time would really be the last time I would get to see myself sitting here. Perhaps this mission was so dangerous that Heero didn't want to tell me we'd all die.
So I thought to myself...
What would be last thing I would do if I knew I'd die soon?
I smiled and closed my eyes, knowing the answer.
Yes... I would pray for Heero... that's exactly what I'd do...
So that's exactly what I did. I prayed to God...
No, wait. What God? There is no God!
I closed my eyes tighter and prayed... no... begged to Death.
Please... please don't take Heero away. Please don't let him die. He deserves to know how wonderful life can be before he dies... so don't take him today. Take him 50... no... 100 years from now. But not today. I beg you. Take me if you want... but don't take Heero.
The question struck me like a thousand needles to the heart. I stared at my hands for a while with wide eyes, the simple one worded question running through my mind. I smiled again.
Why? Because... because... I love him. Yes... I love him so much, that I'd die a billion deaths for him.
I reached out and pressed some controls. Then, I flew away into the sky with Deathscythe, feeling lighthearted.
Feeling lighthearted because I had prayed for Heero.
There were so many of them. The enemies... they were swarming all over us like a huge colony of insects. I felt lost.
Then I saw it.
Everything had happened in a fraction of seconds, but to me, it all seemed to have happened in slow motion. The enemies were getting closer and closer to Heero. He had been so lost in getting rid of the things in front of him, that he had lost track of what was behind him.
/No... he'll get killed... no.../
"NO! Heero! I won't let you die! No!"
I screamed wildly and I grabbed the controls with such tightness, that I felt blood trickle out of my palms and run down the controls. I led my gundam, running towards Wing, crashing into various enemies as I did so. I finally reached Wing, and just in time to hug the other gundam tightly. Heero stopped, stunned. He froze as he felt his gundam being held.
I gasped as I felt the Taurus ram itself into Deathscythe, and various others ramming themselves after the first one. My gundam was totally destroyed, the screen cracked, and I was thrown off my seat. I felt the warm blood pour out from my forehead and trickle down my cheek, my chin, my neck.
Anybody else would have moaned in pain.
I sighed in relief. Heero was safe. That was all that mattered. Nothing else in the world mattered to me this moment but his safety.
/Just don't die. Don't let my sacrifice go to waste, Heero. Please./
The last thing I saw before darkness consumed me, was that I was surrounded by a loud explosion and there was red and white everywhere.
And it seemed to me that I had heard my name being called...
But I wasn't sure.
I wanted to check, but it was too late.
Heat surrounded me in red darkness.
To be continued...
* Sigh~ what a morbid, angsty fanfic. ^^; But of course, that's the only stuff I ever write. Angst, angst, and more angst. Always a Duo angst. Poor guy, always making him suffer. This is the first time I write something with sex in it! *blush* Not a nice way to start writing lemons... but oh well~ ^^; *shrug* This will be two parts long. I am SURE. Well, that is... if people review. *smirk* No reviews = no update! *evil laughter* Well, I think it's obvious though. What's the point of writing more if people don't like it? I still have the choice of making this a happy 1x2 ending, or making it a death-fic. I haven't decided yet~ I'll have to think about it. But please do review if you want me to upload the next chapter, and please, if you have time, read my other three fanfics~ ^_^* Love ya all, and take care. *Oh, and btw, as I have always done previously, I will dedicate this fanfic to whoever the first reviewer is if he/she wants me to. ^^