Supernatural 10x18 – Book of the Damned – scene alteration

Written by Wings90 (also on AO3)

Summary: Sam gets angry at Dean and defends himself. And comes to a realization. Oneshot.

Warnings: This work is Sam-centric and critical of Dean. Depiction of emotional abuse (just like in the show).

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"Until what? Tell me. Until what, Dean? Until I watch you become a demon again? Until then? I can't do that. I won't do that."

"You'll just have to lock me up. Bind me to the bunker like you did last time."

"That doesn't solve anything."

"Look, just let us translate the Book, okay? If there's a cure, we'll do it and deal with the consequences later. I can't lose you."

"Really.?"

"Yeah, really."

"You change your mind on that? Cause that's not what you said last time."

("Oh come on, man, you know I didn't mean...")

("This is my cross to bear, Sam! Mine. And that book is not the answer. Now, we gotta destroy it before it falls into the wrong hands, and that includes me. ...I'm gonna go for a ride. Charlie, we forgot to pick up your snacks.")

("Dean, look...")

("We'll figure out another way. And Sam... I'll get my vacation. But not today. Not like this.")

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Sam looked honestly taken aback for a second, then his face went hard.

"How dare you."

"Excuse me?"

"How dare you bring that up? You still don't get it, do you?"

"No, I get it. You've made things pretty clear."

The bland, matter-of-fact way Dean spoke, which somehow managed to sound really accusing, finally brought Sam's carefully repressed hurt and anger to the surface again. Sam had put all of it aside to focus on Dean, on solving what was important at the moment, and that Dean would bring it up now...

"That's what I thought, too, but no, Dean, you don't get it. But even if you're fucking incapable of understanding what I meant by "same circumstances", how the hell can you doubt my dedication to saving you after all we've gone through in the last few months? What, you think researching the Mark is just a fun hobby for me? I've been pouring all of myself first into finding you, then curing you, trying to get rid of the Mark, begging you to cooperate and doing everything in my power to be there for you. What part of that didn't indicate my need for you to live and be all right?! But no, instead you bring up your idiotic reinterpretation of something I said, in justified anger, what feels like ages ago."

"Idiotic reinterpretation? Huh. Nice to know what you think, but I distinctly remember you saying that you wouldn't save me. So I really don't understand..."

"I said that I would not do the same thing in the same circumstances, meaning I would not get you possessed against your will, dammit!"

"Yeah. So you don't care enough to save me if it's too hard. You're making efforts, I see that, but if it turns out to be something your delicate sensibilities can't stomach, you'll just give up on me."

Sam stared at Dean for a few seconds, honestly at a loss for words. Then he huffed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

"You are not stupid."

Dean just kept looking back at Sam, arms crossed, face stern and sad at the same time. Projecting resignation. Playing the martyr.

"So you gotta be doing this on purpose. You are standing there, twisting my words and my actions, on purpose."

"Sure, Sammy. If that's what you want to believe."

"If that's what I...?"

Sam could not believe what he was hearing. (But he could.) He felt like he was looking at a stranger. (But this was familiar. This had happened before, many times.) It had to be the Mark. (Maybe. But the Mark had not always been there.)

"Anyway, that doesn't matter. Point is, we are not using that book. It's too dangerous. It has to be destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands, and that includes mine."

Sam tried to pull himself back on track, still in shock about what he'd just seen in Dean. (Or did he? Was he overreacting?)

"Okay, okay, but wait. We know nothing about this book yet, not really, except that the Mark is reacting to it, apparently, which could also be because it knows that there's something nearby that can destroy it. We don't know. We'll keep it away from you, shielded, so it won't affect you. But I'm going to read it – we won't know what it does otherwise."

"No, Sam! You can't use something evil for good. You tried before, and that didn't really end well, remember? We're not using that book and that's final. ...I'm gonna go for a drive – Charlie, we forgot to pick up your snacks."

Sam's breath felt like it had left him at Dean's parting shot, and by the time he gained it back enough to speak (though he had no idea what he would have said), Dean had already left.

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(A/N: I wrote this in a couple hours, even though I was very sleepy, cause I wanted to write it down before episode 10x19 aired. I did manage to post it on Tumblr before the ep, I'm just reposting it here a day later. Sorry for the lack of Charlie reaction, but it was too difficult to include – the only thing that came easily to me was Sam's justified anger, I really had to struggle to add anything from Dean or any descriptions. It didn't quite end the way I thought it would, but I think I like it this way – just because Sam realizes how shitty (emotionally abusive) Dean is being, doesn't mean that Dean stops, or that Sam can immediately do something about it, or even be completely certain of his realization. Right?
...Anyway, not sure how readable this is, it's unbetaed and I barely read it through. Please tell me if you liked it at all.)