A/N : Sex in this chapter, beware.

I don't know where to begin. Kelly said that it might be good for me to write things down. Things that are too hard to say without me breaking down in tears during our meetings.

So here I am, writing to no one in particular.

I already did that. I used to write the nightmares I had after I touched the beacon for the first time. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm glad I pushed Ash out of the way. I don't want her to suffer the way I do.

She already does so much for me. Everytime she comes home, whether it's after a mission away with the Normandy or just from the office at the Alliance HQ, I know she is scared and worried. I see her face softening with relief when she sees that I'm okay.

I love her, I really do, but I'm scared for the future. I'm scared to not be enough anymore, to be a burden even if she says the contrary. How can you live like that? Being worried sick about your husband at home, everytime you're on your way home, thinking that maybe I won't be fine, maybe I'll be crying my eyes out, or even on the floor with my throat sliced opened because I had a nightmare too powerful, thinking that it was reality?

Okay, I might be a bit paranoid here, I'll never do that to her...I'm just scared that she'll leave me because I'm too much of a mess. Just thinking about it makes me sick... I hope she never reads this. I know she'll feel sad for me, and guilty. I know what she will think, that she doesn't show me enough how much she loves me. She doesn't need to, really... I know it. She risks her career for me, of course I know how deeply she loves me.

I didn't tell her, but Miranda called me yesterday, and told me that I might have my fingers back soon. After Ash sent me to the hospital because of the fever, I spent a day recovering. It was just a small bug. My body is still very weak, my immune system too. I did a lot of progress in physical therapy, and that's why Miranda told me. She said I was ready for my fingers only, not for my leg yet. (she doesn't have a leg for me anyway)

I know Ash will be thrilled to hear that, but I just don't want her to think about my after-surgery recovery until the trial is done.

Shit, the trial, I had almost forgotten it.

I said I'll find a way. I don't know how, or when, but I will. I'll do everything I can to protect Ash's career. She gave everything to the Alliance, to our mission against the Reapers. I owe her that much, and the Alliance owes her too. I hope the brass will listen to me for once.

I think she'll fight me on this, but I'm thinking about going away for a bit, just the two of us. I don't care about the press anyway. They already saw us, there is no point in hiding anymore. That will probably look bad at the trial, but we're going to get married anyway, so why should we hide? Fuck the brass, maybe they'll see the light if we show the world how happy we are together.

I know all of our friends will testify. They'll say that it didn't impact our judgment, and as far as they are concerned, we are together since the SR2, not the SR1, it makes it a bit easier. I don't think I could bare them saying that Kaidan died because of me... maybe because I still feel guilty about it, and sometimes I am myself wondering if this is true... if I saved Ashley because I couldn't live without her already.

I hope he has forgiven me.

"Adrien? Are you there?"

He quickly closed the notebook he had and put it in the drawer next to the bed. "Yeah, I'm in here!"

She opened the door, looking at him suspiciously, but amused, "What were you doing in there all alone?"

He smiled, "Just thinking..."

She arched an eyebrow, sitting next to him on the bed, "About us, going on a vacation."

She laughed. "What are you talking about honey, the trial is next week, we can't go on a vacation," she saw it was the wrong thing to say when his smile faltered at the mention of the trial. "I'm sorry, but we can't. Not now. After the trial, yeah, why not?"

"But why can't we go now?" It came out more like a whine than an actual question, but he just couldn't help himself.

She sighed. Here we go again. "Because, you need medical attention, because we need to prepare for the trial next week. I'm really sorry baby, I'd love to go on a vacation with you, but now is not the right time," she answered softly. She meant it, she really wanted to go. Their first real vacation as a real couple.

He groaned, dramatically falling backward on his pillow. He was such a baby sometimes. He took one of her hands, caressing it with his thumb. "I just want us to enjoy a nice weekend together without thinking about all that. Just pretend that everything is normal."

She smiled weakly. "I know. I want things to be normal too. But for that, we have to win this trial, and thus, be prepared for it," he smiled back, "come on, dinner's ready."


"Remember, we have a meeting with Hackett tomorrow to set up a defense for the trial. He said he'll give us a hand," Ashley said when she was putting away the dishes.

"That's nice of him."

A silence settled. "You okay, Adrien?"

He looked up. She was wheeling him into the bedroom, "Yeah, why?"

She helped him into bed, "I don't know, you seem...happier since I came back. Something happened when I was away?"

He smiled. That's true, he was happier. He was not fighting Kelly anymore, and gave himself a hundred percent at every session in physical therapy. He didn't want Ashley to leave him because of his condition. What Miranda told him yesterday was just the icing on the cake. The only dark cloud hanging over their head was the trial, but he was on the brink of getting everything he ever wanted: a life with his soon-to-be wife.

"I'm just happy with you, that's it. And soon we'll be married.," she joined him in bed, her hand supporting her head on his chest. "I'm about to get everything I ever wanted. I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, and thinking about what I don't have. What I do have is you, and it's enough."

Her eyes glistened at his declaration. Shepard was hardly a romantic, but since he woke up from the coma, he was expressing more and more his feelings, and tried to express them in multiples way. His near-death experience changed a lot for him. "You're sweet," she murmured against his lips. "I love you too," she whispered when they broke apart.

She doesn't know why she did it, maybe it was the way he was looking at her, his eyes full of love and admiration, but she kissed him again, sweetly. He sighed against her mouth. The kiss grew hot and hungry, and their hands started roaming in places they hadn't touched in months.

In one swift movement, she straddled him, never breaking their kiss. His hands settled on her hips and his thumbs drew circles on her hipbone. She could feel him getting hard through his boxers. She kissed every inch of his face, his jaw, his cheeks, his nose...

They wasted so much time already, she couldn't wait anymore.

He was tugging at her shirt. She drew back and removed it herself. Her breasts were on display in front of him. "You're so beautiful. You're perfect," he sat up and began kissing his way down her neck, her collarbone, the valley between her breasts, and put a nipple in his mouth.

Ash arched her back towards him, her hands in his hair, urging him on. He was kneading her other breast with his hand, and then switched. Ash whimpered, and a wetness pooled between her legs. This man was driving her crazy.

He stopped licking her nipples and kissed is way up her mouth again. She broke the kiss and kissed her way down his chest. She kissed his knuckles, where his fingers were missing. She put one of them in her mouth, her eyes locked on him. He thought he couldn't get harder, it was almost painful.

She kissed her way down again, avoiding the bulge in his boxers, and kissed his hipbone. Still looking at him, she kissed his stump, as if soothing the pain away. He was entranced, he just couldn't look away from her. She then kissed him full on the mouth, her hand going into his boxers. He tensed when she started pumping him.

He let escaped a moan, "Fuck, Ash, I won't last..."

It's been so long since...the last time.

"It's okay, Adrien..." She stood on her knees, removing her underwear, his shaft in her hands, and started lowering herself onto him. They both moaned at the contact. "Oh God, you feel so good..." she said in a whisper.

Her eyes were closed, her mouth forming a perfect 'o' shape, and he fell in love with her all over again.

She opened her eyes, her eyes boring into his, and started moving. Shepard had his hands on her hips, guiding her. They were both panting, the bed moving and crashing onto the wall. Ash started going harder and faster, both nearing the end before they wanted, but needing to come. They knew they wouldn't last before they even started.

"Fuck, Ash, come with me..."

He put his hand on her clit, and she cried out in ecstasy. They were both whimpering, and then they just exploded. It was a mix of moans, whimpers, and pleasure at the same time. Their climax was consuming them, pushing them into the fire. They were seeing colors.

She then fell on his chest, panting. They were both sweating but they didn't care. He was still trapped inside of her. He kissed her forehead, and caressed her back.

After catching his breath, he spoke up, "That was...unexpected."

She looked up, and they burst out laughing, "It was. But it was amazing, too."

He put a tendril of hair behind her ear, and cupped her face. "Yes," and he kissed her again, slowly and sweetly.

She pecked him on the lips, "Let me go to the bathroom."

When she came back, he was looking at the ceiling, a happy smile on his face. He had an arm behind his head, the sheets just above his waist, his chest on display. He was not as muscly as before, but he was still beautiful in her eyes.

She kissed his chest and put her head on his shoulder. He put his arm around her and drew her closer. "I missed this..."

He sighed. "Me too..."

She looked up and cupped his face in her hands. "I promise we'll go on a vacation, but after the trial, okay? Just the two of us..."

He smiled and nodded. "Okay..."

They kissed. What had happened was certainly not the best sex they ever had. It ended way to quickly, it was not how they pictured their 'first time' after his coma to be, but it was perfect.

A/N: Nope, I'm not dead. And no, I haven't forgotten this story. Reviews are appreciated. You can guess what the next chapter is... ;)Also, I've updated the first few chapters of this story. Check them out if you want.