The Magnificent Marbled Master of Brockton Bay

Armsmaster gets a different kind of mastery.

...

Shadow Stalker carried another sack of money out of the bank vault and into the lobby, keeping a wary eye on the hostages. The civvies were still appropriately cowed by Bitch's dogs. Good. This was her first job as a member of the Undersiders and she wasn't going to let anything screw it up.

She tossed the sack of money into Angelica's dog harness. She went back into the vault to fill another bag of goodies, but spun at a burst of curse words behind her.

"God damn it!" shouted Grue. "The Wards are here, and he's with them. I'm going to kick your ass, Tattletale, if we get out of this."

Shadow Stalker and Tattletale came forward to peer through a small gap Grue opened in his darkness, while Bitch and Regent kept up their work in the vault.

She suppressed a gasp. The Wards were out in force. Clockblocker, Vista, Browbeat. The newest recruit, Ladybug, a thin figure in a black costume surrounded by a teeming swarm of insects.

And standing behind them all, a towering, muscular figure in a red and white marbled costume, that revealed only his neatly trimmed beard and the thin line of his mouth. He stood ramrod straight, his arms folded. A solid wall of resolve, undaunted and unmoved by the forces of injustice.

The leader of the Protectorate East-Northeast. The greatest hero in Brockton Bay.

Baconmaster.

The great hero nodded, as if to acknowledge the presence of the villains, and began his attack.

Behind him, strips of bacon began to materialize in the air and fall to the ground. Slowly at first, then in a continuous stream, then a deluge.

Crispy crunchy bacon, lightly cooked tender bacon, undercooked greasy bacon, overcooked black-charred bacon, fatty white-marbled bacon, lean solid red bacon, any and every and all kinds of bacon under the sun, forming a massive mound behind him-

Grue hurriedly closed the gap in his darkness, cutting off the hero's line of sight.

"What the hellhell is he doing?" said Shadow Stalker. "He's making bacon out there but we're in here. He can't make his bacon move, right? He's not a baconkinetic-"

"No. Baconmaster's trying to intimidate us." said Grue. "And signal to the civilians. The civvies see a three story tall pile of bacon, they know to keep away from the crime scene."

"Remember our precautions. He can't touch us." said Tattletale.

Shadow Stalker nodded. They were all wearing skin-tight costumes. Baconmaster couldn't materialize bacon inside a person's body, but he could conjure slippery, greasy strips of bacon between the layers of a costume, weighing his target down and obstructing their movement. An unguarded face would let him create bacon strips projecting into open mouths and nostrils, incapacitating his targets as they gagged to clear their bacon-filled orifices.

She suppressed an involuntary shiver. When Baconmaster had shut down her vigilante career, her loose-fitting hockey mask had nearly gotten her captured. He had materialized a solid wall of bacon between her face and her mask, leaving her blinded and gagging on a mouthful of greasy strips of bacon while he trapped her in bacontainment foam.

Grue called out to the team. "Stay alert. He'll try to trip us up with bacon underfoot and block our path with baconwalls."

"Not a problem." said Tattletale. "He's trying to track us with his secondary power, by sensing the vacant bacon-shaped spaces in the bank, but your darkness blocks his bacon-sense."

"Good." said Grue. "Stick with the plan. Baconmaster can't get us in here, and by the time we're out we'll be on the dogs and Stalker will be a shadow. Too hard for him to trip us up."

Regent strode out of the vault carrying a heavy sack of stolen goods. But his gait was strange. Awkward and bow-legged.

"What the hell?!" Regent cried. He staggered and leaned against the wall.

Between his legs, his pants were writhing. The crotch of his pants bulged, stretched, and the fabric began to tear, revealing a massive, bloated ball of-

Bacon.

Shadow Stalker laughed. Regent must have worn his pants too loose, left too much empty space between his pants and his underclothes. Baconmaster had taken advantage and conjured bacon inside. First firm, stiff strips of bacon, conjured in curled shapes that immediately sprung outward to widen the crevice. Then more strips of bacon to fill the newly opened space, and then more, and then more, until there was a baconball the size of a pineapple between his legs.

"That's what you get for wearing tights, gay boy." she said.

"Fuck you, Stalker. I like my legs loose and limber. It makes me feel free."

"Doesn't look free to me." she chuckled. The baconball in his pants was the size of a volleyball, now, and the fabric of Regent's tights was threatening to tear.

"Hold still." said Grue. He unsheathed a knife from his belt and slashed the bulging crotch of Regent's pants. The pants split apart, spilling a flood of greasy, limp bacon strips onto the floor.

"How's Baconmaster tracking us?" demanded Grue.

"I don't know!" said Tattletale. "Your darkness blocks his bacon-sense, he shouldn't be able to-"

Tattletale's eyes went wide. "The bugs! Ladybug's spotting for him!"

Shadow Stalker reflexively shifted into her shadow state. A half-dozen flies slid off her costume and fluttered confusedly through her gaseous body.

Grue tried to sheath his knife, only to find the sheath jammed with a greasy strip of bacon. A fat housefly was crawling on the knife sheath, buzzing in triumph.

Grue crushed the fly, then yanked the bacon strip away and threw it to the floor. A new fly immediately landed to replace the dead one, and the sheath was jammed with another bacon strip before he could secure his knife.

He swore. "We're going, now. Stick to the plan. Tattle, which way do we go?"

Tattletale peered through a small hole Grue opened in the darkness."...Left. Take a sharp left then head West. Clockblocker is setting up a trap just to the right of the exit."

Grue nodded, then hoisted himself onto Angelica's back, followed by Bitch. "Regent, Tattle, get on the dogs. Shadow, you're running interference. Cover our backs, then meet us at the hideout when you're done. If you're followed, take to the sewers." He wagged a finger sternly. "No taking stupid risks to get in a 'parting shot' this time, okay?"

Shadow Stalker gave a sarcastic salute. "Whatever you say, boss."

Grue gave a pained sigh. He turned to the hostages and raised his voice. "Listen up, ladies and gentlemen! It's time to go. Just like we told you. You're all going to stand up and walk, do not run, out to the heroes outside the bank. Now go!"

As planned, the civilians were too afraid to follow his instructions to the letter. Chaos. They spilled out of the bank doors in a disorderly mob, some walking slowly in an attempt to follow the villain's orders, others trying to run and pushing each other aside, all spilling out toward the line of heroes.

The heroes froze, unsure how to react. Before they could make a move, Grue sent out a billowing tide of darkness that blanketed the civilians and advanced on the heroes, further deepening their uncertainty.

"Go, go, go!" Grue ordered.

Shadow Stalker phased into her shadow state and leaped through a window, keeping clear of the darkness that would interfere with her power. She glanced to the right, crossbows raised, and took aim at the trap the heroes had set.

Clockblocker stood twenty feet in the air, running back and forth above the street and dancing as if he was possessed. He spun and twirled, his arms extended and slapping at the air. Every time one of his feet pushed down, a giant three foot long strip of bacon materialized below his foot and instantly froze in place, giving him a new foothold to support his weight. Every time one of his hands slapped the air, another giant strip of bacon appeared to reinforce the great mesh of floating bacon strips he had constructed to block off the street.

An axiomatically impenetrable wall of bacon.

Clockblocker double-jumped, vaulting off of bacon footholds each time, and started another tier to his baconwall thirty feet above street level. Too tall for Bitch's dogs to jump over. If they had followed their original escape route, if Tattletale hadn't caught the trap, they would have been screwed.

The doors to the bank blasted open, muffled by Grue's darkness, and Bitch's dogs burst out carrying the Undersiders. They took a sharp left and charged down the street.

The heroes were still hanging back, occupied by the hostages, but Browbeat broke away and rushed forward to block their path. He could stop the dogs if he got in a solid hit. His point-blank telekinesis let him punch with the force of a freight train.

Shadow Stalker leaped forward and fired two bolts at Browbeat from her crossbows. Her aim was perfect. The bolts phased past his point-blank telekinetic defense and materialized in his body, one in his arm, another in his leg.

Browbeat staggered and went down. Good. Not lethal shots. His biokinesis should let him survive even if her bolts hit something vital, but she didn't want to start a blood feud by killing a hero.

Shadow Stalker kneeled, briefly releasing her shadow state to reload her crossbows with her special rounds, then leaped toward the other heroes. Drawing their attention while the Undersiders made their escape.

The instant she moved toward the heroes, Baconmaster turned to her and pointed. She felt material appear inside of her gaseous form, as if she was passing through a heavy rain or hail. Bacon strips. Not enough to stop her, as long as she kept moving, but enough to slow her down and throw off her aim.

Good. She had their attention. She fired her special rounds, one after another. They phased out of the shadow state and exploded into giant balls of colorful mist, smearing the heroes with bright neon pink paint.

She smirked. If the heroes weren't blinded outright, they would be too distracted by their new makeover to follow her team. Grue's cloud of darkness was blanketing a full city block, now, and was growing bigger with every minute. The heroes would never be able to track them.

Shadow Stalker gave a last look at the routed heroes and prepared to make her escape-

Wait. The heroes were up to something. Vista and Ladybug were standing side by side, and Ladybug was pointing into the darkness.

Right. Ladybug could track them with her bugs. But that shouldn't be a problem. Ladybug's range was a few blocks at most, and Vista's landscape warping was too slow to stop the dogs once they got going.

What was Vista doing? The young heroine was holding a small red and white colored ball in one hand, with a grip like a bowling ball. She took four quick steps forward and bowled the ball into the darkness, its trajectory twisting and swerving under the influence of her space warping. It didn't resemble any PRT-approved munitions she was aware of...

With a sinking feeling in her stomach, Shadow Stalker realized that Baconmaster's massive, stories-high pile of bacon had disappeared. And she knew exactly where it had gone.

A titan-class baconball.

There was an explosion of sound and color from within the darkness. Shadow Stalker caught a glimpse of Angelica and her riders thrown high in the air. Engulfed in a massive six-story tall fountain of bacon, as Vista dispelled her space warping power and returned the baconball to its original size.

Grue's darkness thinned and dissipated, revealing a gargantuan bacon pile that stretched across the entire street. Only a giant dog's weakly thrashing tail gave a clue that the Undersiders were trapped inside.

Shit. Grue was down, and she had no way to dig him out before the heroes caught up.

Shadow Stalker hesitated, weighing her options. She felt the faint sensation of a swarm of gnats passing through her gaseous form. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Ladybug standing next to Vista, pointing directly at her.

Vista took three quick steps and let loose a grapefruit-sized red and white ball rolling along the ground directly toward her. Shit! Another one.

There was no time to react. Shadow Stalker leapt in the air, putting as much distance as she could between herself and the bacon bowling ball. She spread her cape with her arms and leaned at an angle, veering to change the course of her flight, but it was too late, too late.

The bowling ball exploded, and then her world was bacon.

...
...

Baconmaster stood before the captured villains, his arms folded, his stern expression revealed only by the thin, grim line of him mouth.

"You've been very bad boys and girls. Robbing a bank is a serious crime. Your worst crime yet. You should be thankful we caught you now, before you escalated to something worse and made us get rough with you."

Shadow Stalker groaned. This didn't count as 'rough'? She struggled with her bonds, but the bacontainment foam didn't budge.

"Fortunately, my Wards were more than up to the task." continued Baconmaster proudly. "Vista and Clockblocker, good work with the baconballs and baconwalls. Ladybug, excellent spotting. Browbeat...better luck next time."

Browbeat groaned and rubbed his wounds.

"Why were you here, Baconmaster?" said Tattletale. "You weren't suppossed to get here for thirty minutes at the earliest."

Baconmaster smiled and nodded to Panacea. The heroine was in civilian clothes, patching up the people who were hurt in the scuffle. "I got a personal call from a concerned citizen."

Tattletale's eyes widened. "Shit! She was one of the hostages."

"God damn it, Tattle." growled Grue.

"Sorry. I missed her completely." said Tattletale. She turned to Panacea. "You're wearing your hair differently today. I liked it better the old way. The ponytail is a no-go. Keep your hair loose and fluffy, it brings out your eyes."

Panacea scowled. "If I want fashion advice from a villain, I'll ask for it. Hostage-taking assholes. It's going to take three wash cycles to get the mutant dog slobber out of my jeans."

Baconmaster strode to the healer's side and rested a comforting, muscular hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay, Panacea?"

Panacea blushed and dipped her head, then looked up at him with a beaming smile. "I am now."

Tattletale looked back and forth between the two heroes. She smirked and opened her mouth to speak. "Hey, Panacea. I bet you'd like to know if mffgrmffrble!"

With a snap of Baconmaster's fingers, Tattletale's mouth filled with a mass of crunchy bacon strips. "No talking, miss Thinker 7. Say what you will during your interrogation, but I won't let you subject an innocent heroine to your manipulations."

Panacea smiled and gave Baconmaster's hand a squeeze. "My hero."

Tattletale sullenly chewed on her bacon.

Next to her, Shadow Stalker spoke up. "Hey, aren't you going to heal Browbeat? I messed him up worse than any of the civvies."

Browbeat shook his head. "No need. I can fix myself with biokinesis. I just need the biomass. Boss, can you bacon me?"

Baconmaster snapped his fingers, and a huge stack of greasy bacon strips appeared in Browbeat's massive fist. Browbeat raised the bacon to his lips, unhinged his jaw, and stuffed the baconwad inside and began to chew, rivulets of grease dripping down his jaw.

Four fifths of the Undersiders recoiled. "That is the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life." said Regent.

"Nah." said Shadow Stalker with an admiring shake of her head. "It's pretty badass, demolishing a pound of bacon in a single bite like that."

Browbeat nodded enthusiastically in mid-chew. "Th' joyffs offf biokineffiff!"

"If you say so, nutball." said Regent. "Say, are you going to heal me? I got my face scraped up pretty bad when your bacon bombs threw me off my noble steed."

Panacea pursed her lips. "Fine. But only so you're in better shape for interrogation. Ladybug, can you give me some bug biomass?"

A swarm of cockroaches crawled up the bacontainment foam and onto Regent's face. Panacea touched them and they melted into his flesh, repairing his wounds.

Regent shivered. "Yuck. Healing me with roaches. Are you turning me into a bug-borg?"

Panacea shook her head. "If anything, you'll be a bacon-borg."

"Bacon?"

"Where do you think her bugs come from?" Panacea pointed.

Regent turned his head to follow her finger. On the street, the massive, six-story piles of bacon had changed color. They were solid black. Black with swarms of millions of feasting bugs.

A biological waste disposal system. The bugs would eat the tons of bacon, then scurry off into the sewers, from which Ladybug would lead them out of town and into the countryside, where a new generation of bacon-spawned bugs would be born.

Regent stared. "Opinion revised. That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. And that's saying a lot."

"It's the cycle of life." said Panacea. She stood and stretched. "Aaaand done. Don't bother trying to escape. Your arms and legs will be paralyzed for the next four hours. Plenty of time to get you locked up."

Baconmaster nodded, and gestured to the PRT troopers to load the villains into the vans. He clapped his hands to get his Wards' attention.

"So! Another gang successfully foiled! Good work team, and thanks to Panacea for the assist. We'll be doing the PR briefing for the media this evening at 4 PM, so be sure to clean up your costumes and look presentable."

Baconmaster grinned and rubbed his hands together. "Now, let's head back to headquarters for a hearty lunch in celebration of our victory. Who's up for a round of my world-famous BLTs?"

The Wards groaned.

...

...

Author's note: Colin Wallis gets Baconmancer's power from Special People by Tim Sevenhuysen. Only being Colin, he uses it much more effectively. Especially since the Bacon Materialization shard gives him less psychological baggage. Just don't insult his cooking.