A Portrait for Caroline
Caroline's tears fell as they lowered the casket that contained her mother's body. Things would never be the same for her again. The pain she felt was so overbearing that she couldn't take it anymore. It was a good thing that after this she decided to turn off her humanity for a while.
Sure it had ended badly when Stefan, Damon, and Elena had done it, but Caroline was different than the rest of them. She was more in control of herself than Elena ever was and she could prove it. All she had to do was go home where no one would bother her and do it. She just hoped that she wasn't making a huge mistake.
Some more people gave Caroline their condolences and she drove home wanting nothing more than to be left alone so she could stop her grieving process. She loved her mother and she wished she could grieve her in the natural way, but she just couldn't deal with it like the others could. She didn't want to lose control of herself. It was one of her worst fears in life.
She opened the door to her house and looked around at all the flowers that had been sent there for her mother she was trying not to lose it, but salvation would come soon enough. She dropped all her stuff on a nearby table in the living room including the flag that had been over her mother's casket. She took one last look at it and sighed. This would prove to be more difficult then she thought.
She expected her mother to come straight out and hug her, but she knew her mother would never do that again. Caroline took off her jacket and went to a nearby chair to pick up an article of clothing her mother wore. She smelled it inhaling her mother's scent. It saddened her that she would never smell what her mother smelled like again.
She put the sweater down and started to straighten up the house. She had to do something to distract herself. If she didn't calm down, she wouldn't have the energy to turn it off herself. That's when she heard the door quietly shut and a pair of gentle foot steps heading towards her. She didn't have to look she already knew who it was.
"I said I was fine Elena."
"I don't believe you." Elena said from behind her.
Caroline rolled her eyes and turned around to see a smiling Elena. She knew Elena was just trying to be comforting since she had been through this before, but right now she was the last person Caroline wanted to see. Not to mention she could be annoying as hell to deal with sometimes.
"All day something's been bugging me."
Caroline made her way across the room as Elena continued.
"You wanted to pack this in so quickly like you had somewhere where you needed to be-"
Caroline listened to Elena as she folded the sweater she had been holding earlier. She wished she could snap Elena's neck right here and now, but she would hold it in a while longer to see if Elena would leave it alone. Surely out of all the people in her life Elena would understand.
"I mean you're so concerned about getting through today without a hint of how'd you feel tomorrow and then I'd realized you don't want to feel tomorrow."
Caroline gave Elena a pointed look. Of course Elena would figure it all out.
"That's the plan right? You're not going to feel tomorrow, because you're going to turn it all off."
Elena and Caroline looked at each other as Elena looked to her for an explanation. As if she owed her one, but Caroline would do it anyway. Just if it would get Elena off her back.
"I thought I could get through the rough patch and then just pick myself up after like I usually do, but then Damon made me realize it's just going to get worse."
She hated to admit that Damon was right, but he did have a good point when he talked to her that morning. She passed Elena hoping that would be the end of that conversation, but of course Elena Gilbert wouldn't give up that easily.
"You're listening to Damon." Elena said in utter shock.
"I can't do worse Elena, okay. I didn't even think there was a worse. It's better this way." She said moving past Elena.
"Better? Care, You're talking about flipping the humanity switch-"
Caroline fixed a tea cup as Elena ranted. God she was getting annoying. Why couldn't she just leave her alone?
"There's nothing better about that."
Finally Caroline had had enough of Elena's talking it was time to set her straight.
"That is your experience, okay. I have more control over my vampire self than you ever did. My experience will be different."
Elena rolled her eyes.
"It's not going to be different Care. It's going to be deadly."
Caroline tried to pass Elena again until she heard the one sentence that pushed her over the edge.
"You saw what happened to me when I did it."
"Yeah, that's my point Elena!" she said turning towards her. "You did it. You couldn't handle the pain when your brother died so you turned it off."
Elena looked down knowing Caroline was right, but Caroline wasn't finished with her yet not by a long shot.
"Damon died and you erased all your memories. Stefan moved Savannah and became an auto mechanic, but do you think you guys are the only ones who get to escape grief."
"You just mentioned two of the biggest mistakes I've ever made."
"Were they mistakes? because when you came out the other end the worst part of the pain was gone. And that's what I need. I just need the pain to be gone."
"If Stefan would have said the right thing earlier, would that have changed your mind?"
Caroline looked at Elena in disbelief. How had she figured that out?
"Yeah I heard. "
"Well he didn't so it doesn't really matter." She said wiping away a tear that had started to form.
That's when she really started to lose it. That's when the grief hit her so hard like a mini van. She felt as if she couldn't breath when she said the next statemnets.
"My mom is dead Elena. It hurts so bad I can't breathe. I can't- I can't do worse. I can't-okay. I shouldn't have to-"
Elena stepped towards her and pulled her into a hug. She couldn't take this anymore she needed to turn it off, but she needed to get rid of Elena first so she could do it.
"You shouldn't have to. It's not fair. It's not I get it. I do. But I know that you think you've got it all figured out, but please listen to me-"
She wasn't going to listen. She had a straight shot for Elena's neck and she knew it wouldn't really hurt her. She closed her eyes and found that pesky switch to her humanity. Now Elena was just talking nonsense to her and she couldn't bear for her to say another word, but she would let her finish so she wouldn't get the hint that Caroline had just turned it off. She would stay her innocent friend for a moment longer.
"I'm not going to let you do this."
Caroline breathed a sign of pain to make Elena feel as if she were still grieving. It was too late Elena couldn't save her now. She snapped Elena's neck and breathed a sigh of relief. Finally that torturous talk was over and Elena would finally shut the fuck up as she collapsed to the floor.
Caroline stood over her and looked at Elena's body. She knew she wouldn't hear this, but she had to let it out. Elena just made her so angry sometimes.
"That's not your choice to make."
She stepped over Elena and headed out the door. It was time to drown her sorrows in bottles of booze. It was time to become the girl who no longer felt anything.