Hello, Harry Potter Characters?

(The Remix! I mean Remake)

Chapter One


Laughing My Head Off

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Part One: Dumbledore the Evil One Has an Announcement! Hear! Hear!

Narrator: If you don't know me very well, I can assure you that I'm the famous, beautiful, smart, talented, pure, nice— [receives several glares from people and sighs] You never give me a chance to boast, do you?! All right then, I am Miss Narrator, and this is the start of a wonder—okay—insane tale

Dumbledore: Silence! Get on with your job, you idiot!

Narrator: [makes grumbling noses but subsides when she meets Dumbledore's evil glare.] Harry Potter, Oliver Wood, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley and Pansy Parkinson were at the evil—sorry Professor—Head Master's office. They were all wondering why they are here and what Professor Dumbledore has in store for them.

Draco: [winks at Hermione] I'm actually thinking about you, baby.

Hermione: [smiles] Why, thank you, Draco.

Ron: [stares with disbelief at them both] Hermione and—MALFOY?!

Dumbledore: [sarcastic smile] Mr. Weasley, kindly go outside with Mr. Malfoy if you wish to have a fight, but I do not recommend it, because I have a very special surprise—for all of you. [stares at Pansy] Miss Parkinson, why are you here?

Pansy: I'm going wherever my darling Draconny muffinnykins goes!

Hermione and Draco: Draconny muffinnykins?

Harry: [chortles] A very good name for a Ferret, really.

Draco: [stares witheringly at Harry] Why, you—

Oliver: Can you all please stop? I am trying to look hot and seductive here!

Narrator: Everyone becomes eerily quiet.

Dumbledore: Ehm. Thank you for your attention'.

Harry: What is it that you want, professor?

Dumbledore: Do not address me like that! I am a powerful wizard and I had—or perhaps still have—a little affair with Darth—[starts to cough uncharacteristically] Never mind about that. Now, back to what I was saying. Tomorrow evening, each of you will attend the Chamber of Secrets world premier in London to meet the cast of the movie.

Ron: Excuse me? Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets? I helped him with some stuff back there too!

Draco: [in an evil voice] You're just a shadow, Weasley. A shadow that should remain invisible and quiet!

Ron: Shut the fuck up, Malfoy.

Narrator: EHM! No swearing allowed!

Ron: Who gives a damn you imbecile!

Narrator: [cries] No body loves me!!! Someone, please hug me!

Harry: No waaay.

Oliver: It will only spoil my Quidditch skills!

Draco: And my reputation. So, Dumbledore, why do we have to go to this world premier anyway?

Dumbledore: For fun? [looks innocently at them]

Ron: Yeah, right! [Hermione nudges him]

Narrator: Dumbledore shows them six tickets for the World Premiere of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.

Dumbledore: Confounded. Now, take these tickets. Wear something normal. The limousine will pick you up at 2:30 in the evening tomorrow. May the force be with you.

Narrator: [clears throat] I thought it was suppose to be "Good Luck," professor.

Dumbledore: Shut up you imbecile creature!

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Part Two: Outside of the Inside

Narrator: The characters arrive at the theatre by two limos. Why did Dumbledore do this? Why did he enlist me to supervise them? Why does the world have to be separated by seven continents? Why—

Oliver: Um, Narrator? I reckon we'll find out the answer later.

Narrator: Thanks a lot for the encouragement'! [sniffs] They have gotten out of their limos! These Hogwarts student are skipping two days of school, leaving the wizarding world, quidditch, charms, and magic behind—

Hermione: [gasp] You didn't tell me that!

Ron and Harry: SHUT UP, NARRATOR!

Narrator: [squeaky voice] Why me? [tries to regain her composure] The people that were gathered at the theatre stared at them strangely as they made their way on the red carpet. Harry flattens his hair a little to make sure that the Muggles would not see his scar.

Hermione: [hisses] Wave!

Narrator: And so they wave happily at their adoring fans. I do wonder if they suspect anything. Must make a back-up plan soon. Hmm. Hey, can I wave too?

All: Sod off!

Narrator: [goes off and sits in a corner, feeling lonely]

Harry: Who the bloody hell is that?

Ron: You stole my line!

Harry: Oh, Ronniekins—

Narrator: Egad! Ronniekins?! [gasp but subsides] A familiar looking boy with dazzling blue eyes and adorable face makes his way to the characters. It is Daniel Radcliffe! Danny! Danny! [swoons]

Daniel: Are you another actor or something?

Harry: Uh - no. I'm Harry. Harry Potter.

Emma: [comes over and mimicks] And I'm Hermione. Hermione Granger.

Hermione: [fumes] I'm Hermione!

Emma: [turns to adorable Danny] Dan, are these people insane or something?

Ron: We're so not insane!

Narrator: [coughs] Yeah, right.

Emma: [shrugs] Okay then, you're crazy.

Daniel: Quiet, Emma.

Pansy: Drake-O! Drake-O! Where are you?

Narrator: They turn to stare at her, looking amused. Draco appears out of no where, his hair ruffled.

Draco: Whew. Crazy girls, they are!

Emma: Tom?

Draco: [grins] My name's Draco Malfoy.

Emma: Honestly! Dan, I think you should call the enforcement team.

Oliver: Na-ah! We've got tickets!

Rupert: [joins in] That's rather true..

Narrator: Stars, I reckon you should go back and sign autographs. Uh, can you give me one?

Daniel: Who're you?

Pansy: [sniffs] A bitch of a narrator.

Narrator: Yet again, I am being ignored and shielded out of the conversation and Daniel, Rupert and Emma went off somewhere. Come back, Dannypoo!

Ron: Are they mental or something?

Hermione: I think they think we're mental.

Draco: Yum. I love clever and pretty girls. Sexy.

Ron: Shut your perverted mouth, Malfoy!

Oliver: I don't know about you guys, but I hope we don't get to sit next to them.

Draco: Tough luck. Dumbledore gave us special tickets.

Narrator: [in a really happy voice] Everyone begins to groan! Yes, that's right you ungrateful, meddling kids! Groan your asses off!

All: SHUT. UP!