I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!

An MCU one-shot by Andrew Joshua Talon

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody. The Marvel Cinematic Universe is owned by Marvel Studios. Please support the official release.

Note: Set before Age of Ultron...


The shwarma place was playing host to the Avengers again, after a harrowing and long battle with a few supervilains. The media had had a field day with these Hydra remnants coming out of the woodwork, but the Avengers had handled it with their usual cool and aplomb.

"I swear, he came at me with stilts. Powered stilts, who does that?" Clint Barton, aka Hawkeye, asked as he shook his head in disbelief. Thor chuckled.

"Tis a strange and varied world, indeed! I faced an Absorbing Man, who fancied he might take Mjolnir's power for his own!"

"Didn't end well for him?" Tony asked, his armor standing behind him. Thor chuckled.

"Nay... It did not."

Bruce sighed. "I had to deal with someone a bit more... Unusual." He poured a bit more sauce on his shwarma.

"How unusual could it have been?" Natasha asked skeptically. "He was the same kind of... Of being as the Big guy, right?"

"You mean, mindless bruiser?" Bruce asked with a wry smile. Natasha shook her head, a soft look in her eyes that Banner missed.

"Not what I meant."

"Well, for the mindless part, I think we'll agree... Because he was easily dumber than the Hulk," Bruce said.

"Okay... This I have to hear," Tony said, wiping some salt from his fingers.


Bruce Banner had just regained control of himself after beating down a number of killer robots. He panted softly, rubbing his forehead.

"Ugh... I imagine Tony's going to be launching some more lawsuits... Repulsor powered lawsuits," he groaned. He looked around the mess all around the street he'd fought in.

"Huh... I don't recall hating Obama enough to wreck up one of his supporters," he observed a destroyed storefront for a political organizing group. "Maybe they just called me one too many times on the phone... Or sent a creepy email..."

He rose and sighed, brushing himself off. "Back to pants again... Maybe I should invest in some unstable molecular clothing..."

"YOU! BRUCE BANNER!" An angry voice yelled out. Bruce blinked and turned around. He groaned.

"Oh great..."

A huge man with a dome-shaped helmet strode up the street, making the ground shake with each step. Loud rock music began to play from speakers on his shoulder pads. He pointed a finger at Bruce, grinning through his helmet.

"I, CAIN MARKO, AM THE MEANEST, TOUGHEST SON OF A BITCH THIS SIDE OF THE PLANET!" He bellowed. "BUT HERE I AM, HEARING ABOUT SOME PUNKASS SCIENTIST TRYING TO TAKE MY TITLE!"

"Your... Title?" Bruce asked. He raised his hands. "Look, I'm sorry but I honestly don't know who you are-"

"YOU STAND THERE WITH YOUR MEAN BIG GREEN MISTER HYDE ROUTINE!" Cain Marko huffed. "YOU AND YOUR SAD WALKING AWAY MUSIC AND MISERY, WHEN YOU HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CRUSH MOUNTAINS BETWEEN YOUR FISTS?! YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO ACCEPT YOUR POWER, AND YOUR MIGHT!"

Bruce gaped. "I... Wha...?"

"YOU STAND THERE, UNKNOWING AND IGNORANT, HOLDING YOUR PANTS UP LIKE SOME JOHNNY COME LATELY! WELL, YOU AIN'T KNOWN PAIN UNTIL YOU'VE TANGLED WITH THE BIGGEST..." Cain Marko posed, flexing his muscles, "THE MEANEST..." Another pose, "THE BADDEST OF THE BAD... THEEEEE UNSTOPPABLE JUGGERNAUT!"

Fireworks went off behind him. The Juggernaut pointed his finger at Bruce.

"NOW! COME ON! BRING IT!"

"You really don't get it, do you?" Bruce asked. "You're not going to win this-"

"OH! TOO CHICKEN TO GO UP AGAINST ME?!" Juggernaut taunted. "COME ONNNN!" He flexed his muscles. "YOU AND YOUR WEAK GUNS CAN'T HANDLE THIS! GO BACK TO YOUR SUGAR DADDY, TONY STARK, IF YOU CAN'T TAKE THE SMELL OF WHAT THE JUGGERNAUT IS COOKING!"

Bruce sighed, and rolled his eyes. "Fine..."

The transformation to the Hulk took only a moment. The Juggernaught grinned and slammed his fists together, shattering nearby windows.

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! NOW, JOLLY GREEN GIANT, LET'S SEE IF YOU'VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES TO GO UP AGAINST THE BIGGEST... THE MEANEST... THE UNDEFEA-!"

And with a single punch from the Hulk, the Juggernaut was flying clear across the Hudson.

"Bowl head man talk too much," the green giant grunted.


"Huh. He was recording the fight on YouTube," said Tony as he watched it on his phone. "Two million hits and counting..."

Bruce groaned. Natasha grinned.

"So... Has he issued a rematch challenge yet?" The Black Widow asked.

"Yes, addressed to my tower by the way," Stark said dryly. "Am I going to have to cut off your clothing and jewelry allowance?"

"Try not to grin so much at the fact you're known as the Hulk's sugar daddy, Tony," Steve said flatly.

Bruce just sighed, face buried in his hands.


Just some fun after seeing Age of Ultron. Non-canon, but hey...