Bakura's Guide to the Care and Raising of a Yami

By: Neko-chan



A/N: And now, once again, the author of Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty--

Bakura: AUTHORS.

...and now, once again, the AUTHORS of Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty once again bring you yet another (pointless and stupid) wonderful and helpful (most definitely NOT) guide! [And people, animals, buildings, cities, yamis, hikaris, ancient Pharaohs, and/or planets seen harmed in this guide have, in no way, correlation with the actual objects themselves. Thank you and happy reading! *beep!* This is a test. This is only a test. ...all rights reserved.]

Bakura: ...o.o;; And now I see why you're called random.

...;-p Urusei, BAKA-chan! And now, on with the guide!



Disclaimer: Neko-chan doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh!. If she did, Bakura would probably knock her off within five minutes for the sheer integrity of HER owning HIS show.



Lesson One: Make Your Yami Happy

For real and TRUE yamis (not like some certain Pharaoh no Bakas that shall remain unnamed...), the true joy in life is causing mischief, mayhem, and--quite possibly--death. For all of the hikaris out there, the easiest way to make your yami happy is to give him...or her...weapons. True, most yamis come with a already-built in weapon (like, for instance, dark powers, Shadow Realm powers, magical powers, psychic powers, and so on), but it can never hurt to add more firepower to that arsenal.

The REAL weapons, however, that would REALLY make your yami happy are the following: Knives, swords, daggers, needles, spikes, nails, (anything sharp and pointy that can be used to jab others with is acceptable), bunsen burners, flamethrowers, matches, cigarette lighters, (anything having to do with fire will do), chemistry sets, (anything having to do with acid and explosives are often welcomed with open arms), and full and complete torture chambers! (A must have on the list of every yami's christmas list... Eh, if we actually celebrated christmas. But you get the general idea, don't you?)

Anything that gives a yami the chance at destruction would make him...or her...happy. Just think about it. If given enough time, a yami could, would, and would love to cause mischief, mayhem, and DEATH with the power of a...spork. If you do not believe me, just think of all the benefits that a spork could have as a weapon of choice to take over the world! One, it has sharp edges. If jabbed correctly, those sharp edges can HURT. And...people would think that any person (or, in this case, yami) that attempts to take over the world with the help of a spork is either a fool...or crazy. Maybe even both.

AND THAT'S WHERE THEY MAKE THEIR FIRST MISTAKE, THE FOOLS! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! *coughs* But...to get back to the subject at hand...

Yamis love anything shiney, sharp, and pointy. It just amuses us to jab others...who also happen to be a _pathetic_ excuse for a yami, have tri-colored hair, and was an ancient Pharaoh back in Egypt way back when. NOT that I'm naming any names or anything! *innocent blink* So remember: Anything sharp, pointy, and preferably shiney make GREAT gifts for yamis! They'll be entertained for hours and they'll be _very_ happy and grateful to their aibous.

Contrary to popular belief, yamis like fire. It's just so... Oooooo!! All the pretty colors just melding together to form one, great, giant, colossal force. And the colors also remind me of blood. Nice. Very nice. Anything dealing with fire is a great, wonderful gift and it's even better because it proves that you love your yami! Which, in turn, will make your yami even happier!

But, perhaps the greatest gift of all, is rarer than being able to draw the five Exodia cards in one game. It hardly ever happens. And that would be...a hikari actually giving his or her yami a torture chamber to have fun in. (Even when I promised Ryou that I wouldn't splatter the walls with blood, he STILL wouldn't get me my very own torture chamber!)

Always remember, though: When a yami has fun, somebody always gets hurt. D





A/N: Yeah, yeah, yeah...here's chapter one/lesson one. (Each chapter will be dealing with a specific lesson in this guide.) I know that it seems shorter than usual, but that's because I want to 'test the waters' before I decide whether or not I want to continue this guide. So go and leave a review and tell me what you think--should I continue or should I drop it? (And I've also been working on the next chapter of "Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty" so don't yell at me about that one, 'kay? -.-;; Oi...) Anyway, hoped you enjoyed this (short) lesson nonetheless! ^_^

~Neko-chan