Authors Note: Here are two of my favorite fictions having a universe together. This is silly, illogical and doesn't stick with any particular timeline, although the Transformers in this fic are from the G1 series. This fic has the A-word in it a couple of times, ya know, the 'A-word?' If you are offended by the 'A-word', then maybe you might want to reconsider reading this fic. To all others, enjoy! LOTR Rules!



It's not Mt. St Hillary, it's Mt. Doom!

[Gangalf gallops up to the Ark on his horse Shadowfax at the base of Mt. St. Hilary. He dismounts and clutches his staff for support as he climbs up the stony slope to the entrance of the ship].

Gandalf: (yelling into the entrance) Optimus Prime! My name is Gandalf of Middle Earth and I request audience with you!

(Several Autobots run out of the Ark with their firearms in hand. They think perhaps it's a trick, or need to scare off the occasional humans who make their way up their mountain to see the giant robots. Prime walks out).

Optimus: Gandalf? What brings you here?

Gandalf: You may be in great danger. This mountain your ship rests in is the very site of evil itself; it's the home of Lord Sauron. This is Mt. Doom!

Optimus: Well that would explain a few things.

Gandalf: Like what?

Optimus: Well . . . .I've been having these . . . . . experiences.

Gandalf: (looking suspiciously up at Optimus) Like what?

Optimus: I keep getting chased around the Ark by flying knives.

Gandalf: (amused) Really?

Optimus: Yes. I sorta just dealt with it at first, you know, like using them as target practice when they would fly at me an' all, but . . .

Gandalf: But what?

Optimus: But now I'm hearing this voice and it's all starting to really freak me out!

Gandalf: (looking concerned) What else has happened?

Optimus: This is going to make me sound like I've totally lost it, but late at night in my quarters I would hear this voice that would scream, "Get out of my mountain, Asshole!"

Gandalf: Anything else?

Optimus: Yes, I also saw this lidless eye of flames that kept asking me to, "Give me the Matrix, my precious Matrix!"

Gandalf: I think it would be wise for you to leave this place.

Optimus: Damn, Mt. Doom. You know what? That really sucks!

Gandalf: It's for the best; you don't want to stay in a cursed mountain.

Optimus: I guess your right.

Gandalf: But where will you go?

Optimus: I guess we'll just have to find another place to live. Or build one.

(The Autobots start packing. It takes weeks to get everything ready. Megatron learns of there departure through his spy Laserbeak (as usual) but decides to make a personal appearance.)

(Megatron casually walks over to Prime who is standing outside alone) So, you're leaving?

Optimus: (jumps) Megatron! Do you always have to sneak up on me like that?

Megaton: You know, you could start paying more attention! I didn't sneak up on you, stupid, I walked over here! I'm your mortal enemy for cryin' out loud, and I could have leveled you to scrap if I'd felt like it.

Optimus: What do you want?

Megatron: I just wanted to know, your leaving this place?

Optimus: Yes, we found out we live in a cursed mountain.

Megatron: What do you mean by cursed?

Optimus: It's Mt. Doom.

Megatron: HOLY!

Optimus: Yeah, just got the message from Gandalf a few weeks ago. He came riding up here on a horse and informed me all about it.

Megatron: Sheesh, Mt. Doom itself! How unfortunate for you to crash here!

Optimus: Yes, but at least the flying knife thing will stop.

Megatron: The flying what??

Optimus: Never mind.

Megatron: So, where will you go?

Optimus; Like I'm really going to tell you!

Megatron: Well fine! I guess I'll be off then, back to my nice, warm, underwater base. Where all my comrades have a nice, warm, place to call home. Where everybody knows your name, where you can . . .

Optimus: Where you can now KNOCK IT OFF! (he starts to walk away from him)

Megatron: (following him) If your attention span is as bad as it was right now, you'll probably be living in the trees!

Optimus: Shut up!

Megatron: And you'll have to climb up and down the branches to continue you war with us!

Optimus: Go away. (walking really fast)

Megatron: (walking really fast behind him) Like the animals! Up there with all the birds, squawk squawk! Autobots transform! squawk!

Optimus: Leave me alone.

Megatron: Or you could live in caves and draw little Deer on the wall with chalk.

Optimus: Are you done now?

Megatron: Later Gandalf will tell you that it's Moria and you'll have to leave there too!

Optimus: Your a jerk, you know that?

Megatron: Up in the trees you'll sit, swinging from the branches and dropping little Transformer terds on the ground below!

Optimus: ALL RIGHT STOP IT! The Autobots are never going to "swing from the trees," and I'm not even going there with you about Transformer terds!

Megatron: Awww , I'm just kidding with you Op, you know me!

Optimus: Yeah, yeah right.

Megatron: (shuddering) Yeesh, being an animal would be pretty sick. They got all that nasty hair and stuff, YUCK!

Optimus: You should seek help, Megatron.

Megatron: I'm so glad I'm made of metal and not organic, I hate organic.

Optimus: Yes, I know.

Megatron: They have this problem with terds. I hate terds!

Optimus: You don't even know what making a terd is! What am I saying?! OH MAN!

Megatron: You really should work on that attention span of yours. Here, have a banana!

Optimus: Why on Earth would I want a banana!

Megatron: I'm not quite sure, it just seems to fit you somehow.

Optimus: ARE YOU LEAVING NOW?

Megatron: Yes, (starts to fly away) See ya around you homeless bum! Muhahahahah!

Optimus: What a jerk!

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[The Autobots move into their new home Autobot City and get everything put away) Several months later, Gandalf rides up to the entrance on his horse Shadowfax]

Gandalf: Optimus Prime! I am Gandalf of Middle Earth and I request audience with you!

Optimus: This can't be good! (He walks out) Gandalf! What brings you here to Autobot City?

Gandalf: I should've asked where you were moving to before I left you several months ago.

Optimus: Oh yeah? And why is that?

Gandalf: Because you need to move again.

Optimus: What!!!!! Why do we need to move again?

Gandalf: Because, you have planted your fortress in the heart of this ancient forest.

Optimus: SO?

Gandalf: This forest is the home of the immortal Elves of Mirkwood! You must leave their land at once!

Optimus: Well that would explain a few things.

Gandalf: Like what?

Optimus: Why the Autobots kept getting hit with arrows from the trees when we were outside. Those pesky little things were starting to chip my paint! OWWW! (he gets hit with another one) STOP THAT!

Gandalf: The Elves consider you an intruder to their forest. You need to pack up and leave.

(Suddenly Legolas rides up on a horse with bow and arrow ready)

Legolas: Yeah! Get out of our forest, Asshole! (he shoots at Optimus)

Optimus: OWWW! Knock that off you pointy-eared demon!

Gandalf: Now, now! There's no need to get violent.

(Suddenly a banana hits Optimus in the face)

Optimus: Who threw that!

(Megatron comes out from behind a rock)

Megatron: Hee hee, Hiya Op!

Optimus: Damn you Megatron! When are you going to leave me alone!

Megatron: So I see you've landed your pitiful aft in Mirkwood this time! Nice one Optimus!

Optimus: Ya know, I'm getting a little sick and tired of this whole Middle Earth thing! And I'm especially getting tired of you Megatron!

Megatron: (ignoring him) Hey Legolas? What to be an honorary Decepticon?

Legolas: Sure!

Megatron: Great! Now my first order is for you to gather all the other Elf forces and attack Optimus Prime with bananas!

Legolas: Okay! (he starts to gallop away into the forest)

Optimus: Wait! Wouldn't you rather be an honorary Autobot?

Legolas: Bite me, tree killer! (he gallops away).

Optimus: Damn. Why bananas?!

Megatron: Why not?

Optimus: You're seriously sick, you know that!!

Megatron: Yes, I know. Hey Gandalf! You wanna be a Decepticon too?

Optimus: NO WAY! HE'S MINE! (he grabs Gandalf)

Megatron: OH YEAH! (he grabs at another half of Gandalf)

Gandalf: ACK!!!!! (they tug of war over Gandalf, screaming "He's mine! No Mine! NO MINE, MINE, NO MINE!!!!! Suddenly out of nowhere, truckfull loads of asparagus come flying at Megatron and Optimus. They drop Gangalf, as they are covered with green stuff and are trying to get it out of their optics.

Megatron: I said hit OPTIMUS with BANANAS!!!! Not ASPARAGUS!

Aragorn: We don't grow bananas in Gondor, you evil metallic demon!

Gandalf: Aragorn!

(Aragorn and Arwen sit proudly on a white horse)

Optimus: Hey! You can't be here, you should be dead by now!

Aragorn: Oh yeah, demon? It's the year 2003 and your dumb ass died off in 1987!

Optimus: (thinking for a moment) Yes, that's true, but that really happened in the year 2005!

Aragorn: How can that be? It's the year 2003 and now you're nothing but a stupid Ape!

Optimus: I'M A WHAT??????

Gandalf: I'm afraid it's true Optimus, I have foreseen it.

Optimus: Wait a minute! How can go from a truck in 1984, to an Ape in 2003, but die off as a truck in 2005??? What the hell is going on around here!

Arwen: Then you come back to life in 2008.

Optimus: As what?

Arwen: As the same lame ass trunk you were before!

Gandalf: Oh the tangled parallel universes we weave!

Optimus: An Ape! (he looks at Megatron) You should just get it over with and kill me off NOW!

(Megatron starts to crack up) An ape? Well, that means you would let out little Transformer terds!!!!

Optimus: OH WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF ABOUT TRANSFORMER TERDS!

Gandalf: Your fate is far worse Megatron!

Megatron: (gaspes) Do I become an organic too?

Gandalf: Yes, I'm afraid you do also!

Megatron: Damn, so I'm gonna crap on the ground too?

Arwen: As a great big stupid Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Aragorn: That's already extinct by the year 2003!

Megatron: I hate my life! (He flies off) You'll never get me Hasbro! NEVER!!!!!

Aragorn to Arwen: He hasn't watched Beast Wars yet, has he?

Arwen: What do you do you mean, HIM? I can't even watch Beast Wars!

Gandalf: Cheer up Optimus! (Optimus is crouched on the ground with his head in his hands completely devastated and moaning, An ape? An ape? Gandalf pats him on the back)

(Legolas returns with an army of Elf forces)

Legolas: There he is! There is the newest incarnation of the evil Lord Sauron! He rose from Mt. Doom and now seeks to destroy all of Middle-Earth! ATTACK!

(Bananas start flying at Optimus. The Elves march out of the forest in huge numbers, some carry banners with big yellow banana insignias on them).

Gandalf: Wait! Stop! He is not the evil Lord Sauron! He is Optimus Prime of Cybertron!

Gimli: No he's not! He's an evil demon and must die!!!! (He swings his ax at Optimus foot. Optimus yelps in pain.

Optimus: Alright knock it off or the Hobbit gets it! (He grabs Frodo Baggins off the ground).

(They cease fire)

Frodo: Help me Gandalf, help me! (Merry and Pippin run behind Gandalf, but Samwise Gamgee faces the 'metallic demon')

Sam: Let Frodo go Metal Shanks or I'll have you!

Gandalf: What are you doing here, Sam???!!!

Sam: The Elves raided the banana crop from Farmer Maggot, and we came to find out what they were up too!

Legolas: Yes, we were told it would harm the demon!

Optimus: But I'm not a demon! I'm Optimus Prime, commander of the Autobots from the planet of Cybertron! I'm a GOOD guy!

(Frodo whips out his sword 'Sting' and cuts off Optimus' finger).

Optimus: OOOOWWWWWW!!! (he drops Frodo) You little Middle-Earth people are really horrible you know that!!!

Legolas: Get out of our forest or we'll never leave you alone!

Optimus: But I don't know where else to go! Who can help me figure it out?

Galadriel: I can help you, Optimus of Cybertron. Come with me. (she waves him to follow her into the forest. Optimus follows).

Optimus: (to himself, 'OH GAWD NOT THE ELF WITCH TOO!')Where are we going, Galadriel?

Galadriel; To the forest of Lorien, the home of my people, while there, we can help you find another home.

Optimus: The Elves own that forest too?! Damn, real estate is tight around here! So, how far is it anyway?

Galadriel: As the crow flies, about seven days journey.

Optimus: As the crow what? Oh man, (he transforms) jump in Elf Queen, I can get us there in a couple of hours! (she does and they speed off)

(At the forest of Lorien, Galadriel tells Optimus to look into her mirror for answers.

Optimus: But what will I see?

Galadriel: Not even the wisest can tell.

Optimus: Well, I'm the damn wisest one around here, so it better have some answers!

Galadriel: Look into the mirror and see for yourself!

Optimus: Owwww, my finger hurts! Look what that Hobbit did to me! (he shows Galadriel his hand with a finger missing)

Galadriel: Yes, that's pretty disgusting, but will you look into the mirror now?

Optimus: OWWWWW my foot hurts too, look at what that evil dwarf did to me! (he shows Galadriel his foot)

Galadriel: Yes, a pity, maybe you could look into . . ..

Optimus: And I'm covered with asparagus! Your people are really mean!

Galadriel: WILL YOU JUST LOOK INTO THE DAMN MIRROR ALREADY!!!

Optimus: Oh yeah, the mirror, sorry . .. (he leans over and looks into it, then starts to mumble stuff to himself , then falls backwards screaming, Noooooooo!!!!! He's of course watching the TF Movie)

Galadriel: I know what it is that you saw, for the same thing was also in my mind.

Optimus: Then I know what I must do, only, I'll be all alone and I'm afraid to do it!

Galadriel: You are a Matrix bearer Optimus, to bear a Matrix of power, is to be alone.

Optimus: Your right Galadriel! (he transforms and zooms away).

Epilogue:

Flash forward to the year 2005. The Autobots have moved to a safe location on the border of Middle-Earth are happily doing their Spring cleaning on a beautiful April day in Autobot City; with the exception of Hot Rod, whose been locked in a closet all year with orders he can't come out until the year 2006. Kup visits him once in awhile, giving him his 'monthly ration.' People aren't really into going to see Hot Rod nowadays, as his perpetual whining about how 'I didn't DO anything' is driving everybody nuts.

Optimus sent Unicron a sub space video E-mail that read: You come near my planet, and I'll kick your ass, I'm one scary MOFO!" The whips out the Matrix and strikes a kick ass pose. Unicron chickened out with that threat and ate other planets in the universe instead.

Gandalf and Optimus played hard ball with the Hasbro Executives, threatening them to send their most annoying characters (Wheelie, Daniel, Blurr, and one pissed off Dwarf) to haunt them every day if they dare release another season of Beast Wars. The Hasbro Executives shrink in fear at that one and cancel the series. Gandalf lights a bunch of fireworks in celebration.

With that said, the Transformers and the people of Middle-Earth lived in peace, with the exception of course of Megatron trying to destroy the planet with some other weird high tech doo-hickey, ya know, that old story, but gets stopped every time by the Heroic Autobots and the LOTR gang.

The End

So gang, what did ya think? Need I even say more about this? Suggestions, comments, giggles, and everything in between are always welcome. TTT Rules!