Sometimes being written about is a compliment but as KiGo find out, what the men in their lives really think of them, it's kind of sick and wrong. Rated M for mature themes and lots of mockery.
This story is not for profit. Disney owns everything. Literally. Its just a little ditty a friend and I came up with over breakfast. He's an evil boy.
Chapter 1 - Sick and Wrong
Kim Possible, semi retired teen hero, sat in the kitchen of her family home, drinking a cup of freshly brewed coffee with her mom, Anne. It had been a long time since she had spent any quality alone time with the healer, considering their busy and often clashing schedules. Anne Possible was a woman in demand and Kim was no slouch in that department either.
"So, Kimmie, how is college going now that the mid terms have finished?" asked Anne, stirring in her milk gently while taking in the sight of her tired daughter who had her face cradled in her hands as she slouched across the table.
The younger Possible lowered her head to the table before looking up and her mother. "Ahhh ... Thank goodness they're over. I don't know what possessed me to take extra credits. It's almost been the death of me. I barely slept for a week. Shego is not happy with me for lumping her with everything. She claims I am neglecting her and she's declared I have a lot of making up to do. I don't know what she's complaining about, it's not like she'll let me near the stove normally or that she's not getting any. Once a day is more than enough for most people."
The elder Possible delicately coughed before chuckling in response, the amusement reaching her clear blue eyes. It took a moment for Kim to realize what she had actually just revealed to her mother. Kim could feel her face redden to an atomic flush. She had never spoken to her mother about the intricacies of her relationship or sex life. Before this moment, even though the hero and former villainess were sharing an apartment, the younger redhead tried to downplay the significance. Kim tried to push the flatmate angle for her father's benefit, more than once stating that it was just two women sharing a two-bedroom apartment. She tried to not advertise the fact she and Shego were lovers who shared, one room, one bed and bodily fluids.
Kim looked up at her mother who still appeared amused. "So, how are things with Shego going?"
"Surprisingly well. Around the apartment she's incredibly house proud, tidy and she's really considerate. Even though she complains at every opportunity, and she wouldn't be Shego if she didn't, Shego knows I have been busy and has really tried to make things easier for me. She cooks really nutritious meals, and not counting the final week of midterms, she makes sure I get regular sleep. She also does my laundry and also finds time to support me emotionally in her own snarky way."
Anne paused for a moment before responding. "I'm surprised to hear that. Whenever you were fighting, and even when she accompanies you for family night, she doesn't come across as being house proud, or supportive. She constantly seems... Well annoyed, for want of a better word."
Kim smiled while she considered all that her girlfriend did for her. "Yeah, I learnt early on in our relationship she was nothing like her fighting persona or the face she shows the world. She just doesn't tolerate what she calls idiots very well. That includes her brothers, the Tweebs, Drakken and especially Betty Director." Actually, calling the director of Global Justice an idiot was the understatement of the decade. Kim wished that it were the only way Shego referred to the woman.
"Mom, if you could see what I see, you'd be shocked. I think it's sweet but please don't tell her that. She would never forgive me," said Kim. She knew how much time her girlfriend invested in her public image. For instance, Shego would never consider leaving the house in her favourite well-worn green track pants, that she loved lounging around in. The moment the former villainess left the apartment; her raven locks looked as if they were styled professionally, along with her perfectly applied trademark makeup and black lipstick. The other residents in the building were terrified of the green woman, and that's the way she liked it.
"I doubt it will ever come up in conversation, so I promise never to discuss that with Shego over brainloaf," Anne said with a smile.
"What exactly won't you be discussing with Shego over brainloaf?" demanded an unexpected and somewhat menacing voice from the back door.
"Nothing dear," replied the healer. "Its just a mom and daughter talk. Nothing for you to be concerned with."
The green woman's scowl told Kim that her girlfriend was not impressed with being brushed off. The hero also knew that despite her denials Shego was a little afraid of her mom and would never directly challenge or argue with her. Anne was one of the first people in her corner and the former villainess would always be grateful for the support.
''How are you today, Shego? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but I wasn't expecting to see you today. Kimmie never mentioned that you were dropping by. You seem to only agree to come over because Kimmie drags you over for dinner," Anne said teasing the plasma thrower.
Shego looked a little embarrassed, her face turning an uncharacteristically darker shade of green. She rubbed the back of her head. "Well, I wasn't planning on dropping by but I had to tell Kimmie something and I knew she'd be here."
"Why didn't you call, sweetie?" asked Kim curiously.
"Well... Princess, this isn't something I could tell you over the phone especially with your Nerdlinger's annoying habit of listening in to your calls."
"Shego, you know Wade doesn't do that anymore," replied Kim.
She was exasperated that Shego never trusted her long-standing and reliable teammate. It wasn't as if Wade had a reason to be listening in. She wasn't exactly overrun with missions of late. She chose them very carefully so they could fit in with her schedule. College was a lot harder than high school and that's saying something considering the list of activities Kim had engaged in. Some of her college professors could probably give Bonnie Rockwaller lessons on how to unpleasant. And then there was Kim's super sexy girlfriend who demanded her pound of flesh each and every day. Not that she was complaining. It sure beat a mission or cheerleading in terms of stress relief. In short, she was speaking to Wade less and less as time went on.
"Pumpkin, after what I have to tell you, you might be reconsidering your opinion of that not so little punk, Nerdlinger," said Shego disparagingly.
"What do you mean?" Going on Shego's tone of voice, Kim hoped that Wade hadn't done something that could have gotten him into trouble. He was still a minor and despite his outstanding intelligence, still had an immature and growing brain. No insurance company would give him a discount, which the genius greatly resented.
"I had a bit of a chat with Bob today and let's just say it cleared up a few things for me. You know how Betty has us on that very annoying leash? The one where we are all on parole, are supposed to be good little children and give her all the toys that Global Justice could ever dream of?"
Kim nodded in agreement. How could she forget? Betty Director was never far from their conversations because the one-eyed woman insisted on making the lives of the former villains hell on earth, so to justify them being pardoned post the Lowardian invasion.
The green woman would easily go on a full on rant about the law enforcer without the slightest provocation, and none of it was flattering. As much as Kim tried to reason with her lover, it was the one area of conflict in her relationship, one that made Shego super angry. Her solution was to fry the head of Global Justice and one day Kim believed the green woman would make good her on her threat.
"Well it turns out that a certain blue someone is so preoccupied with a side project. He thinks it is so important that he's given up on his work for Betty in the past month to pursue it, and the boys have been helping him so to speak. Well they have no choice. Apparently any negativity Drakken receives from his little project is met with threats that the boys will sort them out. The boys have to play along. Can you believe the Great Blue Blunder is getting Bob to act as his muscle? Bob? He's another one who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag. Idiot!" Shego growled the last word.
"What has that got to do with Wade?" asked the young redhead.
"Nerdlinger and Stoppable are in on it too," stated Shego matter-of-factly.
"What do you mean?" Kim was totally confused by what the green woman was saying. "In on what exactly?" asked the hero.
"It appears that Drakken, Bob, Becker, Stevens, Stoppable and Nerdlinger have decided to exit the real world, because they can't seem to manage to multitask, that is, juggle a career and a hobby like billions of other people on the planet, to become artists. In this instance, writers."
"What do you mean?" asked Kim. She thought about her best friend's behaviour over the past month.
"Is that why Ron is so preoccupied and almost certain to fail his midterms because of lack of study and focus, and why I haven't heard from Wade?"
"Pretty much," agreed Shego rolling her eyes.
Anne rejoined the conversation at that point. She had been quietly listening to the two women. "What in heavens are they writing?" She picked up her coffee and took a sip while waiting for an answer from Shego.
Kim couldn't read her girlfriend's expression. Shego wasn't displaying the usual repertoire of facial expressions. The young hero wasn't sure if Shego was angry or was simply about to announce the winner of the Darwin Awards.
Shego took a long breath, released it before answering. "Lesbian erotica," was the sheepish reply. After the big build up, Shego now seemed embarrassed to be admitting such thing.
The two Possible women looked at Shego blankly. Kim could not process what her girlfriend was saying. "What do you mean by lesbian erotica?" Kim was hoping that she was still suffering from her midterm tiredness and had misheard.
"Apparently its appallingly bad lesbian erotica but that is not the worst bit. It's about us, Pumpkin. They're writing erotica about OUR sex life, or what their sicko minds think is lesbian erotica."
Kim was stunned. She felt like her brain had exploded at the news but it wasn't as bad as her mother's reaction. The healer's coffee had gone down the wrong way and was coughing profusely. The older redhead's eyes were watering from the experience.
"Are you okay, Anne?" asked a concerned Shego who looked like she was about spring into action if needed.
"I will be, thank you." There was a weak smile from the brain surgeon.
Kim was now feeling anxious. And sick. And angry. How dare they? These men and Wade were all there from the start of her relationship with Shego. They were colleagues and friends. They had all shared victory and defeat, the lair made of cheese, hot chocolate and Snowman Hank. They knew how hard it was for Kim to get the older woman to break down her barriers to admit to the redhead that she had 'liked liked her' and had done so for many years.
When it came to breaking down the green woman's emotional barriers, it was no easy task. Who knew Shego had a strong moral conscious? As she matured, and from the ways Shego had saved her in the past and was almost protective towards her, Kim had gradually realized there was something there between them, a connection that went beyond the professional.
Luckily, Kim was a determined woman. Once she decided she was going to pursue the green woman, she wasn't going to give up her prize so easily. Kim tried many different tactics to reach out to Shego. She was rebuffed time and time again in that sexy flirtatious teasing way that Shego had developed as a defence mechanism.
In the end, Kim decided on the least subtle approach. She was going to seduce her sexy prize. The young hero enlisted the help of Ron, Wade, Drakken and the remaining henchmen, Bob, Becker and Stevens. They all had a role. Ron and Wade provided the cover for overnight stay away from the family home, the black roses, and French champagne. Drakken and the boys had the more important roles. Drakken deliberately annoyed the green woman so much that she agreed to go drinking with the henchmen.
While Shego was out at the nearest shady bar, Kim gained access to her quarters, and arranged the roses and petals throughout the room. When she received the signal that the group was returning to the lair, she disrobed, arranged herself in what she thought was a seductive pose across the bed and waited for her sexy lady.
To say Shego was angry would have been trivializing the situation. They fought instantly, Shego attacking her with a higher than normal degree of aggression. It was hard fighting naked against a full clothed, drunk and openly hostile opponent but in the end Kim got the upper hand and pinned her love to the bed and kissed her with all the passion she could muster. It worked. With the aid of the champagne, they sorted out the issues, sexually and verbally.
It was still Kim's most treasured memory of her life. She was glad she trusted her instincts and the men she considered her friends. And Drakken. Until that moment, that relationship with the blue scientist was a work in progress. Kim decided she would need to reassess it after learning all the facts.
Which brought her to the present moment. How dare these men now cheapen her relationship? What she shared with Shego was loving and passionate. There were real emotions involved. The couple showed each other daily what the other meant. It may have started off as a violent working relationship, but it was transformed into something far meaningful and enjoyable, worth every ounce of effort spent in pursuing the green beauty. And to now hear that could have been cheapened distressed her, especially since the cause of this distress were the very males in their lives who they trusted and liked.
"Shego, please tell me you are joking. What is going on? Why would the boys be doing something like that?" Kim pleaded with her girlfriend.
"From what I can gather, the little perverts have some weird little support group going. They all suddenly seem to think they're great wordsmiths and they help each other compose the stories, give input, critique and pat each other on the back for mediocre writing. It's the blind leading the blind if you ask me.
"At the same time, they are in competition with each other over who has the most popular stories. It's not about quality writing, Pumpkin, but the number of hits, likes and glowing reviews. No one has the cahoonas to say what they're actually thinking or to provide constructive criticism. Frigging sycophants.
"According to Bob, and remember he has to support Drakken or else, the writing is really, really, really bad."
"Oh my," said Anne. Her knuckles were white as she clutched her mug. "Shego, do you know where they are writing this and how many people are reading it?"
"If you subscribe to Super Super Villains' Monthly, you can access the online version. There is a forum where the little girls like to chat, gossip and brag. Somehow they got fixated on me and Princess, and what we got up to in our free time. We are the only lesbians they know and are somehow 'exotic'. They started setting each other challenges and got hyper competitive. The 'erotica' started from there."
"How long has this been going on for?" asked Anne. Her concern was obvious.
"Apparently when Kim was in her senior year of high school, before she was even legal, before we got anywhere near being together or even had a chance of having a normal relationship. You know, me still being a wanted criminal in eleven countries and all," Shego admitted. She did not like to remind the Possible matriarch of her criminal past.
While Kim was disgusted by the news, her mother, and judging by the pained expression on her face, was not faring any better. "Shego, I don't know what I find more disturbing, that this is freely available online or that straight middle age men who are incapable of having a normal loving relationship with a real person are writing this for an audience. For goodness sakes, some of these men know Kimmie, and some have daughters the same age. What are they doing fantasizing, writing and reading pornography about my daughter? It's simply not right."
The healer stopped, lost in her thoughts before continuing, "You too, obviously, Shego, but Kimmie was the minor when this started," said Anne.
"I understand," said Shego before adding, "On the upside, it's currently a closed forum, you know all the 'cool kids' but given the villainous degenerates who subscribe to Super Super Villains' Monthly, that may not be for long."
While she listened to her mother and Shego interact, a thought came to Kim. "How did Ron and Wade get involved in all this? They're not villains."
"Pumpkin, remember when Stoppable turned evil and became Zorpox?" Kim nodded. "For some reason Super Super Villains' Monthly decided to invite Stoppable to subscribe. He accepted and has been a member since. According to Bob, Wade was invited at Stoppable's request. Both have been members for years and are regulars in the forums. Bob reckons at first it was game for them to try and get Drakken to remember Stoppable's name but they got sucked into the boy's club and the whole writing shtick. Bob says it makes them feel important and that's quite addictive for someone with Ron's ego," Shego said with a laugh.
"Are you still a member of this site?" asked the elder Possible.
"Yes, but I don't go on it much. I have never been in the forums though. I've had no reason to. I have my hands full dealing with gossiping man-girls in real life so I never thought the need to chat in a forum in my free time."
"Shego, could you get us into this forum?" asked Anne, the tremor in her voice once again giving away her anxiety. "I'd like to see for myself what they've been up to."
"Sure, I'll give it a whirl. Got a laptop handy?" Anne rose from her seat and headed in the direction of her office to retrieve the device.
Kim was looking at her girlfriend when she saw a wistful expression briefly flash over the lovely face. She reached out and touched a green arm. "Hey sweetie, what are you thinking?"
In response, Shego leaned down and took her girlfriend's lips within her own and kissed her passionately.
"Not that I'm complaining, but what was that for?" asked Kim.
"I haven't seen you all day and I wanted to say hello," said Shego before claiming another heated kiss.
Kim could hear a gentle cough behind her. "Shego, I think it's wonderful that you feel comfortable in front of your future mother-in-law, but this is hardly the time," chided Anne who placed the laptop in front of the two women. "Here, do your magic."
Kim watched as the former villainess logged into her Super Super Villains' Monthly account with a darker than usual flush of green on her face. They had never discussed their future plans, let alone marriage. They were taking things as they came, and now it was dealing with recalcitrant little boys.
"How did you find out about all this anyway? Why did Bob tell you?" asked Anne peering over Shego's shoulder as she typed.
"We are well behind Betty's schedule and I couldn't work out why, so I asked Bob. He looked the most out of sorts. He's never been able to hide anything for long from me. After a little coercion, he told me that Drakken is going a little loopier that normal and had to be reigned in. I don't know how he noticed. Blue Boy was acting his usual rambling self to me. Bob reckoned Drakken needed to have his medication intake monitored more thoroughly. Bob's theory is Drakken is skimping on his little pills as it inhibits his creative side. My attitude is as long as it's not the blue pills, I don't care what Drakken is taking."
Kim giggled at her girlfriend's joke. "So what's Ron and Wade's excuse?"
"Hormones? Acceptance? Bragging rights? They're perverts with a closet full of waterproof coats? Your guess is as good as mine. But I tell you now; I'm already planning on getting my own back. You in Princess?" Kim started to answer and then stopped when her mother spoke.
"Girls, before you plan your revenge, let's see what we're facing first. It could all be a misunderstanding." Even when she was upset, the healer was logical and reasonable, thought Kim. She didn't voice her opinion but she secretly agreed with her girlfriend on this one. Revenge was definitely on the cards.
Shego raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow before presenting the laptop to her companions. "Here we are."
The webpage listed names of writers. "How do we find them?" asked Anne.
Shego took out a piece of paper from her pocket and read the contents. "Drakken's handle is 'cocomoo22' and I'm told Stoppable and Wade write together under the handle 'HotRodWang'.
"Oh, look at the comments," said Kim. "There are loads here. Don't these people have anything better to do?"
CUDDLEBUDDY: It needs more romance and perhaps of a touch of penguin and gibbon love. Cuddlebuddy and her Flamingoat signing out.
"That has to be DNAmy. The woman is a fruitcake. What the hell does that even mean?" demanded Shego in a dismissive tone.
Out of all the villains, Kim knew that DNAmy succeeded the most at frustrating the green woman. At least the others were after world domination and power, whereas Amy's motives were less clear.
Kim shrugged. She had no idea. Her interactions with DNAmy were always bizarre. Sharing a love of Cuddle Buddies didn't give her an insight into the mad scientist's brain. What the hell was she even doing on there? The last she had heard, Amy was totally obsessed with Monty Fiske. Why did she care what she and Shego 'did' in bed? It made no sense. But then none of this made sense. Kim looked at another comment on the screen.
BIG STRUDEL: Your best work to date. Pity you can't beat me in the real world. More yah.
"No guesses who that one is. The little demented twerp would be on here. No woman would touch him so he has to get his jollies somewhere else. He must be desperate if he's almost complimenting Drakken," said Shego.
"Princess, you remember when he tried to get into your suit?"
"It's not how I remember it, but we get your point, Shego." Kim said dryly.
"Girls, as fun as pick the villain is, can we get on with it?" asked the healer. The anxiety was really showing in her voice. Kim forgot that her mother had very little exposure to this world. If the elder Possible had any inclining to how this world worked, the Doctors Possible would have wrapped their only daughter in cotton wool and her hero life would have been over before it even began.
"Sure thing, Anne," agreed Shego.
"Okay, mom," said Kim.
Shego's cursor hovered over the 'cocomoo22' and 'HotRodWang' stories. Kim hoped that Shego picked the Ron and Wade story first. She hoped it was a kinder option to begin with, but then what was her bestest friend since Pre-K and the boy genius doing on this website in the first place? It was sick and wrong of them to be thinking of her in this manner. As bad as the entire situation was, Kim dreaded to think what the blue man had written. He was a total loose cannon that never really warmed to her.
Shego clicked the mouse. A page was opening slowly. Here we go, thought Kim.