Thanks for all of the overwhelming love you guys gave chapter one. Also, thanks to whoever is visiting my WordPress blog. I see the number of visitors climbing and I know it's all thanks to you guys. I have a new blog entry up today. Check it out. Link is on my profile page.
As requested, here are the family trees.
Edward and Bella
Nathan & Kennedy (17 years old)
Andrew & Ian (14 years old)
Cassidy (6 years old)
Emmett and Rosalie
Emmett Jr (EmJ) (18 years old)
Lilly (16 years old)
Scott (9 years old)
Jasper and Alice
Nigel (14 years old)
Meredith (7 years old)
"Fuck," my wife hisses, arching her back into me as I pound into her from behind.
"God damn it," I tighten my grip on her hips, thrusting faster. "Bella."
"Yes," she whimpers, gripping the headboard with one hand while she rocks her hips against me. "Just like that."
Fuck. I missed this.
"I missed you," I groan, reaching my hand around her to pinch her clit with my fingers. "So… much," I struggle.
"Me too, baby," she turns her head around to glance in my eyes. "So fucking…ah…" she shrieks and starts to clench around me.
"That's right," I rub her sensitive flesh as I thrust into her. "Cum for me," I whisper to her.
"Mmmm," she moans, her head leaning slightly to the side. "ah..ah..Edw…I'm…" she struggles.
"NOW!" I command, smacking her ass cheek.
"EDWARD!" she screams, as I feel her orgasm triggering my own.
"Shit," I huff, trying to catch my breath.
"You can say that," Bella smiles, her chocolate orbs burning through me like they have for the last 30 years.
"I love you," I grab her by the hair and capture her lips with mine.
"Love you too," she breathes, running her hands through my hair.
I'd been away from my family for two weeks.
That's 14 days…
Of no sex…
It was torture.
I thought I was going to get carpel tunnel.
"I missed you," I kiss down her neck.
"I know the feeling," she whispers into my ear. "I hate it when you're gone," she kisses my ear.
"You have no idea how much I think I needed this," I chuckle to her.
I needed the first time. The three after that…was icing on the cake.
"Oh, I do." she shares my chuckle. "You weren't the only one who went without," she snuggles into me. "My fingers can only do so much," she runs her fingers through my chest hair.
"What I wouldn't have given to be those fingers," I suck her first and middle fingers into my mouth.
"I have the sexiest husband alive," she blushes, plunging her head into the crook of my neck.
After all these years, I still make her blush. I take pride in that.
"No," I look at her ring finger. Even after 17 years of marriage, the sight of my grandmother's ring on Bella's finger brings out my inner caveman. "You have the luckiest husband alive," I kiss her ring.
"Sweetie," she wraps her arms around my neck. "I love it when you say shit like that," she runs her hand down my chest to my…
"Mom…Dad!" I hear one of the twins yell through the door.
"Fuck," we both hiss.
"Yes," Bella replies in her 'I'm not doing anything wrong' voice that she uses with the kids. She only uses it when we're fucking. "What is it?"
"It's Roger," he mumbles. "He says that he couldn't get either of you two and he needs to talk to Mom."
"Can you tell him that I'll…"
"I said that an hour ago," he reads Bella's mind. "But you two were…busy," he finishes after a silence.
"Shit," Bella pouts, kissing me and jumping out of bed to grab her robe. "Okay," she opens the door and grabs the phone.
"You guys are disgusting," Ian shakes his head slowly and walks off. I know it's him because his hair is everywhere more so than usual and he looks tired as shit.
Once Nathan and Kennedy turned two, Bella and I decided that we'd try for another child. You can imagine our shock that it was twins…again. When Bella had Ian and Andrew, it was impossible to tell them apart. Honestly, I think we might have switched their identities at birth after we took them home. Anyway, Bella had to put a fake mole on Ian so we could tell them apart. Once we got to know them, we learned that Andrew was the one that liked food. Ian liked to sleep.
They are their mother's children.
"Damn it," Bella throws the phone on the nightstand and crosses her arms.
"What is it?" I ask, patting the bed next to me.
"I have to come in early tomorrow," she whimpers, falling in the bed next to me.
"4," she rolls her eyes. "I already agreed to 6. Why would they make it 4?" she huffs.
"Shit," I sigh.
Even though it's only a two hour difference, Bella and I hate it when the other gets called into work early. As you can imagine, I have enough pressure and responsibilities being a spouse and a parent. When you add the other shit to my plate, it gets hectic.
"I know," she pouts, scooting in next to me. "I want to get in as much sexy time as possible," she grins, kissing down my chest.
"I can go for some sexy time," I chuckle.
"Yes," I answer this time, as Bella rest her head on my chest.
"Dee Dee is going to be here in an hour," Andrew peeks his head in, shyly.
"Really?" I ask, shocked that it's so late in the day. I look at the clock.
With the exception of breakfast, snacks, and a couple of bathroom breaks, Bella and I have been fucking all day.
"Oh," Bella says, unenthusiastically. "Ok."
What's her problem?
"Yeah," he smiles. "I figured you guys would need some time to," he pauses.
"freshen up," he blushes, and backs away from the door.
"I got another 30 minutes left in me," I announce, rolling on top of my wife.
"Mmph," she shrugs away from me, and gets out of bed again.
Huh? What did I do?
"Um…" I lead off. "I thought we were in the…" I start. "Are you mad at me?"
"No," she sighs. "We need to start getting ready," she says, turning on the shower
"Okay," I reply, walking in after her.
She grabs the stuff for her hair and hops in the shower. Since I love the environment, I decide to step in with her.
It would be a shame to waste water.
"Now, where were we?" I ask, wrapping my arms around Bella, my cock growing more eager by the second.
"Stop it," she blushes, lightly shoving me away. She squirts some shampoo in her hair and starts washing.
So…I'm really not going to get any?
"Bambi?" I say in a sing-song voice, kissing her neck. "Come on," I urge, easing her into a corner.
"Edward," she rolls her eyes. "I'm serious," she says, pushing me away.
We'd been fucking like animals all day. What gives?
"Did I do something in the past 10 minutes to piss you off?" I ask, grabbing my body wash. "If I did, I'm sorry," I apologize.
"No," she shakes her head, taking my body wash in her hands. "I'm just nervous," she confides, lathering up my body in soap.
Yes. We're getting somewhere.
"About?" I ask, scratching her scalp with my fingers.
"My special tonight," she whispers.
I shake my head. Bella always gets like this when she has to do a speech of any kind. She had another comedy special when the kids were younger. This will be her first one in like 7 years. She's worried people won't like it.
"You'll do great," I reassure her. "You'll do great because you are great," I kiss her nose. "I can't even believe you're nervous."
"Also…" she draws out. "We're meeting Andrew's girlfriend," she admits, blushing. "It's just…" she starts. "He's my baby."
"I'm just glad he's not gay," I say, honestly.
This year, Andrew took up literature, art, and poetry classes. I was worried to say the least. I mean…he already likes recipes more than a boy his age. I'd love my son regardless of his sexual orientation. However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't happier than normal at the thought of him having a girlfriend.
"I know. I know," she huffs. "Part of me is happy that this girl seems to have brought Andrew out of his shell," she smiles. "The other half wonders how she's doing it," her smile falters.
By the look on her face, I can tell she's thinking about when she caught Nathan getting a blowjob in the washroom the other day. Bella would never admit it…but I think she cried.
"Bella…" I start. "He's at that age…"
"I don't like her," she pouts, scrubbing my chest a little too hard.
"You don't know her," I wince.
"It doesn't change anything."
"Do you realize how crazy you sound?" I ask, laughing at her.
"You hate Bean," she points out.
"I don't hate Bean," I roll my eyes. "I simply disagree with his constant presence in the house…and the fact that he's sleeping with my princess," I end with a growl.
It's true. He's always…around…looking at my Kennedy like she's something to eat. If he weren't Emmett's son, I'd kill him.
"What?" she gasps, holding her chest. "Do you think Andrew is having sex?"
What? How did she get there?
"I didn't say…"
"That whore," she seethes, scrubbing my stomach raw.
"She better be on birth control," she starts.
"I'm not raising anyone's kids who aren't mine," she interrupts.
"She can't just…"
"Bambi," I interrupt her, holding her face in my hands. "It's going to be okay," I smile, kissing her nose. "I promise."
"What if I don't like her?" Bella asks, nervous. "What if she doesn't like us?"
"Bella," I look in her eyes. "They're 14. Do you realize this may be the first and last time we meet her?" I ask.
"No," she smiles a little. "You mean it?"
"Yes," I chuckle. "It will be fine," I kiss her again. "Everything will be fine."
"It better be," she jokes at me. "If not, I'm holding you personally responsible," she warns, starting to scrub lower.
"I'll take that," I smile, taking the washcloth from her hands.
Once we get done in the shower, I put on a simple white button down shirt and some jeans. It took Bella settles on high-waist black trousers, a red and black polka dot top, and some sexy ass red pumps.
"I take it you like them," she smiles, slowly inching up her pants so I can get a better look at the shoes.
"Very much," I give her my crooked grin. "I'm expecting you to wear those…and nothing else later on tonight," I tell her nonchalantly.
"Of course," she smiles at me, crawling across the bed to give me a kiss.
"Ewww…" Cassidy complains, covering her eyes.
"You guys are gross," Nathan shivers.
"Really?" Bella asks, her hands on her hips. "We're gross? After what I was subjected to the other day?"
"Mo-om," he counters, hanging his head. "I said I was sorry. Believe me."
Nathan came to me, practically in tears, after Bella caught him getting…services…from that girl. He was so humiliated that his mother saw him that way.
"Sure. Sure," she jokes with him, before brushing a piece of lint off of his shirt.
"I'm never going to live that down," Nathan realizes.
"Not a chance in Hell," I pat him on the back, leaving the room.
"You and Mommy are gross, Daddy," Cassidy shakes her head. "You guys kiss all the time," she exaggerates.
"That's what mommies and daddies do," I tell her.
"It's still icky," she shivers.
"One day, you'll find a boy that you want to kiss," Bella teases her.
"Bella!" I cover my daughter's ears, as Cass shakes her head vehemently. "Don't tell her that."
I'm not looking forward to that day. I hope it doesn't happen for another 20 years.
"Mhmm,"Bella uncovers her ears, nodding her head. "You're gonna wanna huuuug him…and kiiiisss him," she starts tickling her.
"Daddy, make Mommy stop," Cass giggles, moving behind me for protection. "I only want Daddy's kisses," she crosses her arms.
"Ahhhhh," I smile, kissing all over her face.
"SHIT!" Nate yells at his phone.
"Ooooh," Cassidy wags her finger at her brother. "Daddy, Nathan said a bad word," she informs.
"Stop swearing around your little sister," Bella smacks his head, walking downstairs.
"Sorry," he apologizes, running his fingers through his hair. "I just…sh..no!"
"I'll bite," I huff. "What's wrong?"
"Somehow Amy found out that Andrew's girlfriend is coming over," he gripes. "Now, she's insisting on coming over. She just said she'd be here in 10 minutes," he shakes his head. "I'm gonna punch Andrew in the face, when I see him."
"I'm telling," Cassy grins, walking down the hallway.
Cassidy is still in her 'tattle tell' phase. She's always spilling the beans about something.
It's great. I don't even have to bribe her.
"I'm sooo not prepared for this," Nate leans against the wall.
"Well…" I pause. "She got caught giving you a hummer…by your mother," I point out. "Give her a chance to redeem herself."
"We're not even going out," he starts.
"Does she know that?" I raise an eyebrow.
"We're partners in History. I brought her here so we could work on a project. I went to the washroom to put my basketball gear in the washroom. I turned around and my pants were around my ankles," he tells me. "I was ambushed."
I roll my eyes. Is he really trying to play the victim?
"Son," I pat his back. "I don't think you're as innocent as you're trying to be."
"That's what happened," he says. "Now, everyone thinks she's my girlfriend."
"You could have told her to stop," I point.
"It was a blowjob," he stretches. "What man would say no that that?" he asks, looking at me like I'm crazy.
"I'm done here," I sigh, walking downstairs.
"Hey, Mr. Cullen," Bean waves, eating a piece of toast.
"Hey," I deadpan, looking at the boy groping my daughter.
"I invited him," Kennedy smiles, kissing Bean's cheek. "I figured it would make things less awkward," she reasons, feeding EmJ some grapes.
He can't feed himself?
"What are you wearing?" I ask, pointing to my daughter's dress.
She has on a green dress… a short green dress.
I don't approve.
"Dad," she looks around. "It reaches my knees," she rolls her eyes. "Plus, it goes nicely with my complexion and my hair."
"Finger-tip test," I order.
Kennedy and I have a rule. No skin can be shown past her fingertips. I don't want her to flash her peach every time she bends down to pick something up.
"Come on!" she gasps. "Dad."
"You can always change," I give her an option.
"Fine," she reaches her arms down her sides.
"Ken," Nate walks past her. "You look like the Jolly Green Giant," he laughs.
"SHUT UP!" Kennedy punches her brother in the stomach and proceeds to put him in a headlock. "Take it back!"
"Take it back!" she punches him in his ribs.
Kennedy is very tall for her age. In fact, she was a tall baby. She'll tell you that she's 5'11. But she's really 6 feet. She's become sensitive about it, over the years. She gets upset because she can't wear heels like all the other girls.
Nathan starts singing.
Valley of the Garden
Garden in the Valley
Valley of the Jolly Greeeeen Giant
"Okay," I break them up.
"You look like a ho…ho," Nathan says in the Giant voice. I smack him for that one.
"You're such a douche!" Kennedy huffs, straightening her clothes.
"Go do something," Bella tells Nate.
"It's okay, honey," Bean kisses her temple. "I like my women tall."
"Finger-tip test," I remind her.
"Did you think I forgot?" I raise an eyebrow.
"Ugh," she puts her hands down.
"All the way," I say.
"Edward!" Bella comes over between us. She pulls me to the side saying, "Her dress is fine."
"It's too short," I whisper.
"It goes to the middle of her thigh," she counters. "You're being ridiculous."
"It fails the finger-ti…"
"Kennedy had long arms because she's tall," she raises an eyebrow. "That test is biased and you know it."
Shit. I didn't think she'd catch that.
"Where did she find that dress anyway?" I cross my arms.
"She's at the age when she needs to be proud of her body," she starts.
"Us Weekly and People seem to be pretty proud of her body," I growl, thinking about that spread that was in the media last year.
My poor baby's bikini body….exposed for perverts to jerk off to.
"You need to stop babying her," she squints at me.
"Tell her she looks pretty," she orders, giving me a look that dares me to defy her.
Shit. This isn't good.
"Fine," I relent. "You look beautiful, Princess," I tell Kennedy.
"Thank you, Daddy," she smiles, looking at the floor.
"You sure do," Bean starts tickling her.
"Edward," Bella warns.
"Great," I throw my arms up.
"What's wrong?" Ian asks, putting his computer away. That thing is practically attached to his hip.
"Dad's geeking out over my outfit," Kenny deadpans. "Again."
"Just because I don't want you…"
"Dee Dee is going to be here any minute," Andrew interrupts, smiling. "Can we attempt to act normal?" he asks, wiping some flour off on his jeans.
"Hey!" I say. "We're normal…ish."
"You make us sound like a circus act," Kennedy rolls her eyes, as the doorbell rings.
"What is she like?" Cassidy asks. "Is she pretty? Is she funny? I'm excited," she smiles, looking at the door.
"Okay," Bella starts, opening to the door. "Let's try out best to make her feel welcome. She's not from around here so…Huh?" she asks.
"Hi, Amy," Nathan puts on a good face and hugs the girl in the entryway.
"Oh," Bella's smile fades a little. "It's…you."
I look at Bella who is taking in the nervous girl's outfit…what is left of it. She's wearing a short red dress and stilettos. The outfit looks like it comes with a pole.
"Yeah," the blonde haired girl grins awkwardly. "I wanted a chance to properly introduce myself," she smiles. "My name is Amy," she shakes my hand, walking inside.
"Hello, Amy," I look over at my wife…who currently doesn't look pleased. She sighs quietly and closes the door.
"Hello," Bella puts a smile on her face and ushers her into the dining room. "It's nice to…properly meet you," she says, giving me a look.
I hear the faint sound of a chuckle and immediately know that it's Ian. Nobody loves to watch awkward and embarrassing situations unfold quite like him. I see him looking between me, Bella, Nathan, and Amy shaking his head and trying his hardest not to giggle.
He's enjoying this too much.
"Go check on dinner," I point to the kitchen.
"But…" he gasps, motioning to Bella staring at Amy with a hint of contempt.
"Go," I order.
"Ugh," he gets up from the table.
"I would just like to apologize for what happened on Wednesday," Amy starts.
"Again," she looks at the table. "I just…"
"Please stop," Bella begs. "I've been praying for short-term memory loss, since it happened."
"Oh," the poor girl looks around the table. "Hi, Kennedy. Hi, Emmett," she waves.
"Hey, Amy," Emmett waves awkwardly. "How is cheerleading?"
"It's good," she nods her head, looking at Bella and I. "I like your dress," she compliments Kennedy.
"Thank you," Kenny smiles, giving me a pointed look.
"I have some like that. It's shorter though," she points out.
"Oh," I reply, returning Kenny's look. Her smile deflates.
"You should go out for cheerleading," Amy nods her head. "You're sooo pretty," she gushes.
"She is. Isn't she?" Bean nuzzles his face in Kennedy's hair.
"Hey!" I point at him with my fork.
"Thanks," Kennedy blushes, twisting her napkin between her fingers.
"Since you're so tall, you can act as like a centerpiece for the rest of us with normal height," she adds.
"Really?" Kennedy says through her teeth, glaring at Nathan. "How thoughtful of you."
"I am huge fans of both of you," Amy starts. "Bella, you are so…" *Ding*Dong*
"I'll get it," Bella gets up from the table.
"I'll…help," I follow her.
"Did you see that?" Bella whispers, walking to the door. "She called me by my first name. Did you see her outfit?" she asks. "I can't believe Nathan brought that cock-sucking girl into my house," she seethes.
"Give her a chance," I huff. "She's nervous."
"Strike two, Edward," she puts up two fingers.
"I got it," Andrew walks in front of us, straightening his clothes. "Hey," he blushes opening the door.
"Hi," the girl smiles back coming through the door. "Mr. Cullen," she looks at me. "Mrs. Cullen," she looks at Bella. "Thank you for inviting me," she breathes, taking out a tin of treats. "I made you guy some pretzel toffee," she gives Bella the tin.
"Pretzel toffee?" Bella asks, staring at the girl and opening the tin at the same time and smelling it. "It's okay," she says, after taking a bite.
"You didn't have to," Andrew said.
"I couldn't not bring anything," the girl replied, looking at us.
"That was very thoughtful," I eat a piece of toffee.
"Mom, Dad, this is Wadricka," he introduces us a beautiful brown skinned young lady.
"But you guys can call me Dee Dee," she blurts out. "I mean…Wadricka can me kind of a mouthful," she rushes again. "Sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off," she apologizes.
"It's okay," Bella waves it off. "It can be nervous meeting your boyfriend's parents," she pinches Andrew's cheek, teasing them.
"Mom," he shirks away from her. "Come on," he grabs Dee Dee's hand. "I'll take you to the others," they leave the entryway.
"Oh my God," Bella collapses against the door and reopens the tin. "This is fucking great," she sighs, stuffing her face full of toffee.
"I know," I agree, getting some more.
"Who would have thought?" she asks. "The saltiness of pretzels…and the sweetness of toffee…perfect," she breathes. "I like her."
"Only because she brought food."
"The girl knows how to make a great first impression," she shrugs, stuffing her face. "I couldn't let her know that I liked her right away," she rolls her eyes.
"Take the can upstairs," I wipe my mouth.
"What about the kids?" she asks, holding up the treats.
"What about them?" I ask.
Smiling, she kisses me and hides the candy. We walk into the dining room to find everyone is serving their plates.
"Your earring is super cute," Kennedy compliments, Dee Dee.
"Thanks," she smiles. "My mom made it for me. She makes jewelry as a hobby."
"It's pretty," Cassidy runs her finger over the earring that curls around the shell of Dee Dee's ear. "I want one," she pouts.
"I can see if she'll make you one," Dee Dee smiles at her. "You too," she says to Kennedy.
"Cool," they say in unison.
"They're different…totally…ghetto fab," Amy smiles.
The entire table erupts in silent, which is interrupted by Ian's giggle. He disguises it as choking on his orange juice.
"Well…" Dee Dee sighs. "I try."
"French toast," Emmett says, trying to make conversation. "Yum."
"I love French toast," Dee Dee tells Andrew.
"Really?" he asks. "I didn't know that," he blushes.
Something tells me that he did.
"Pass the bacon," Bella requests. "and the eggs… and the strawberries…and a waffle…and three pancakes," she adds, thinking of anything else.
Tonight is Bella comedy show. So, Andrew decided to cook her favorite meal…breakfast.
"Woah," Amy whispers, staring at Bella's plate.
"How did you guys meet?" Nathan blurts out, in an attempt to distract from his guest's behavior.
"Oh God," Andrew puts his head in his hand.
"I needed an elective so I enrolled in the Southern Cuisine class," Dee Dee starts.
"The teacher had the boys pick a name from a hat," she starts giggling.
"Dee…" Andrew starts.
"Andrew couldn't pronounce my name," she chuckles. "He was going,
'Wah…Way…Wee,'" she looks at him. "I put him out of his misery."
"Awww…" Bella smiles, pouring syrup over her eggs. "That's cute."
"Then, I saw him in my poetry, lit, and art classes," she says.
Bella pinches my thigh under the table. I look at her and she smiles. Her eyebrows wiggle and we share the same thought.
Andrew wasn't gay. He was just stalking Dee Dee.
Like father, like son.
"It just grew from there," Andrew kisses Dee Dee's cheek.
"What about you guys?" Andrew's guest points to Nathan and Amy.
"Shut up, Ian," Nathan growls at his brother, who is indeed laughing.
"Nate and I are in the same History class," Amy's eyes glaze over. "It was love at first sight."
"I met you two days ago," Nate looks at her dumbfounded.
"I know," she gushes, hugging him.
Bella just looks at me.
"That's so cute," Kennedy smirks at Nathan.
"Em, what colleges are you looking at?" he asks, silently begging his best friend for help.
"USC, LSU," Em starts rambling. "Everything and nothing," he says.
"Where do you want to go Natie?" Amy asks.
"I'm not really thinking…"
"Well you should," she starts. "Unless you're thinking about going into the business," she thinks out loud, her eyes getting big. "Are you?" she asks. "That would be so…"
"What's for desert?" Nate asks.
All things considered, it was a successful dinner. Amy only put her foot in her mouth two more times after that. I think I saw Nathan's soul leave his body at one point. I don't see how he attracts women like that.
It's like Bella's brother all over again. This time, it's not as funny.
"I had such a fun time talking to you guys," Amy grabs her jacket. "I'm so happy that you invited me," she smiles. What? She invited herself. "I look forward to seeing you guys again," she kisses Nathan. "Walk me to my car," she orders, walking out the door.
"Dear, God," I whisper.
"It's like my brother all over again," Bella huffs. "It must be genetic," she looks deep in thought.
"We're one for two," I sigh. "Andrew didn't do too badly."
"I know," she smiles. "Where is the toffee?" she rubs her stomach.
"Give it!" I hear Kennedy yell.
"No!" Cassidy runs past us. "I found it first," she hugs the toffee tin to her chest.
"Mom and Dad told you about sharing."
"Like when you hid the remote to the downstairs TV so I couldn't watch?" she asks, taking a handful of toffee and sticking it in her mouth. "Mmmm…it's gooood," she taunts, licking her fingers.
"Give me the toffee," Kennedy reaches for the tin.
"Toffee?" Ian peeks his head in from around the corner. "I want some!" he perks up.
"It has pretzels in it," Cass informs, getting some more.
"Who made this?" Nate asks, coming back inside.
"Dee Dee," Bella pouts, as our children devour the remaining treats like savages.
"What the Hell?" Andrew asks, looking at the scene before him. "I didn't get to have any."
"It's okay," Dee Dee giggles. "I'll make some more."
"Please do," Cassidy picks some from between her teeth.
"You're still here?" Bella asks, looking at her watch.
"It's only 7:30," I whisper in her ear. "Calm down."
"Mom, Dad," Andrew starts slowly. "I know you guys are probably leaving soon. Is it okay for Dee Dee to stay another hour or so?" he asks.
He probably didn't see it but Bella's brow deflated a little.
"Did you ask your mother?" I ask Dee Dee.
"She said as long as I'm home by 10, I'm okay," she says.
"We'll drive her home," Bean says, pointing to himself and Kennedy.
"Okay," Bella shrugs, as my pocket vibrates.
"The car is ready," I nudge her shoulder.
"Bye," all the kids say, getting in line to give their mother a hug.
"Good luck, Mommy," Cassy kisses her cheek.
"Break a leg, Mom," Nate hugs her.
"I'll try," she says. "Let's just hope they don't boo me off the stage."
"Um…" Dee Dee whispers coming up to us. "My mom is on duty at the hospital. She's a nurse. She asked me to get your autograph," she hangs her head. "Is that okay?"
"Sure, honey," Bella smiles, signing the paper and giving it to me.
"Have fun," I say, giving the girl the piece of paper.
"Not too much fun," Bella points to Andrew and Kennedy, before following me out the door and into the limo.
"So," Alice rushes up to us. "How was she?" she asks, prodding for details.
"She's okay," Bella shrugs.
"Shit," Rose shakes her head. "What happened?"
"Nothing," I interrupt. "She was a nice young lady. She even brought pretzel taffy…which was delicious," I say.
"That's beside the point," Bella crosses her arms.
"Nigel says she's nice," Alice chimes in, handing Bella a cream colored dress and heels.
"He's met her?" I ask, watching Bella start to change.
It never gets old.
"As soon as Alice found out, she badgered the poor boy for information until he begged for mercy," Rose giggles, checking her phone.
"I guess he could do worse," Bella admits, putting on her shoes and jewelry.
She starts ringing her hands and jumping up and down like a boxer.
"Okay, Ali?" I smile, bringing up the time she almost killed Emmett.
Was that really 18 years ago?
Damn, we're old.
"Shut up," she blushes, playfully pushing my shoulder.
"Never," I smile, wrapping my arms around her.
"Wishful thinking," she turns around to kiss me. "I love you."
"I love you too," I say against her chest.
"It's time to separate, lovebirds," Roger comes in, pulling Bella away from me.
"Hey," she pouts.
"Your public awaits, your majesty," he says in a British accent, gesturing to the doors.
"Oh, dear," she bites her nails, before Nigel hands her a microphone.
"Wish me luck," she begs, pushing her lips out for a kiss.
"No," I kiss her. "You don't need it."
"Awww…." Rose and Alice coo, making fun of us.
"Let's go, Missy," Roger tugs her out of the room.
"She'll be fine," Rose puts her head on my shoulder. "She always is."
"Okay, Bells," Roger pumps me up. "You've got this," he shrugs it off, as we get closer and closer to the lift.
The faint sounds of the crowd cheering gets to be more recognizable by the step. A small smirk comes on my lips, as I realize they're chanting my name. Be-lla
"See?" my assistant nudges me. "They love you," he helps me onto the lift.
"We'll judge that afterwards," I say, as I hear the announcer start his introduction.
"And now… the moment you all have been waiting for…the one…the only… BELLA CULLEN!" he shouts, and the crowd follows suit.
"Okay. Okay," I smile, waving them to sit down. "I'm not that big of a deal," I roll my eyes. "Okay, one more time," I giggle, before the crowd goes wild again. "Stop. I mean it, this time," I wave them down.
I walk across the stage, looking at the crowd. There is such a diverse group of people. Young. Old. Black. White. Hispanic. I smile, touched that they came to see me.
"Wow," I grin, looking around one more time. "All of you guys are here to see my old ass," I shake my head, to a few chuckles. "Seriously, I feel old as hell, looking at all of you young people in here," I start. "I see looks of disappointment in some of you guys faces… 'Heeeey, she's not Kirsten Stewart,'" I say in my airhead voice, causing the crowd to laugh.
"I don't even know why people think we still look alike," I admit, confused. "I'm only 12 years older than her," I add. "Plus, she gets this look of like… 'What the fuck?' when people bring it up," I giggle. "That serves to make me feel even shittier," I pout. "Do you know what makes any person feel old?" I start, leaning forward.
I hear members of the audience say mumbles answers.
"When grown ass women ask me for advice that shit makes me feel ancient," I start. "When in the Hell did I become the fucking oracle for female celebrities?" I ask. "You have no idea how many young celebrities ask me questions about 'how to make it,'" I chuckle, in an elaborate voice. "I don't know! I think God has a fucking awesome sense of humor because I have literally no idea how I got to this point," I shrug, and the audience giggles. "Why do people come to me with question?" I ask, honestly.
It's true. Whenever I go out to an awards show or I meet a fellow celebrity in passing, they always want to pick my brain. They always leave feeling disappointed. "I think it's because I'm brutally honest to the point of being bitchy," I admit, using an awkward face. "In Hollywood, everyone has a 'yes' man. No one has a person that tells them how it is," I say. "I have volunteered to be that person for everybody. It's taking its toll," I start. "One celebrity asked me, 'What's it like being pregnant? What's it like being a mom?" I say in a blonde voice.
"It's stressful as Hell!" I admit, causing them to laugh. "You pray every day that your son doesn't get arrested and your daughter doesn't become a stripper," I tell and hear more laughs. "Seriously, you wake up ready. Ready for what? Who knows? But…you're ready," I say. "Now that I'm getting old, I feel myself slipping though," I laugh. "It's getting hard for me to remember stuff. I forget what I'm mad about halfway through the sentence," I chuckle. "Who got the…thing...with the…" I start, my voice elevating, and looking mad. "WHO GOT THE THING WITH THE SHIT IN IT?" I ask, shouting. "It was right here!" I stomp my foot.
"No one tells you how to be prepared," I shake my head. "Even down to being pregnant…no one tells you," I add. "No one tells you that when you get to a certain point in your pregnancy that you will consider cannibalism," I add, causing everyone to gasp. "Don't judge me. You've all done it," I shake my finger. "When I was pregnant the second time, I had an in-depth thought about how certain races would taste," I think back, making a thoughtful face. "Would they taste like their stereotypes?" I ask further. "Would Latino people taste spicy?" I ask thoughtful. "Would you not get the full experience if you didn't have chips and salsa with them?" I add, causing the entire stadium to laugh. "Would you get hungry again quicker if you ate an Asian person?" I question, getting more laughs. "White people…well they have no flavor so they probably wouldn't taste good," I wonder, getting more laughs.
The entire stadium gets quiet, as each person looks at me in anticipation.
"Ahhh…" I grin, walking across the stage. "Every person in here is waiting for me to do it…to make the joke…" I look at them.
They're waiting for me to say black people would taste like chicken.
"Nope," I shake my head, popping the 'p.' "I won't do it," I giggle, as the look on everybody's faces. "Hahah…I just made everyone in here feel uncomfortable," I chuckle louder. "I feel racist," I say in my 'pitiful' voice, and they all laugh.
"Seriously though, your fatassery will know no bounds," I start again. "I was watching an episode on the Travel channel about delicacies in different countries with my husband one time. It was talking about how some cultures they eat dogs," I start, giggling at the memory. "He was like, 'Oh God. I can't believe they eat dogs,'" I say in my 'Edward' voice and everyone chuckle. "I felt so disgusted with myself because I'm looking at him and he is sooo repulsed…but I was thinking of recipes in my mind," I admit, causing everyone to laugh.
"Pitbull and potatoes," I lick my lips, as the crowd laughs. "Rotisserie Rottweiler," I add, as the laughs grow louder. I wait and then say, "Poodles and Noodles," before the crowd goes wild.
"But weird craving, bloating, morning sickness…" I pause. "Everyone knows about that," I wave it off. "You want to know a secret?" I ask, smirking. "The one thing that every pregnant woman keeps to herself," I add. "There is a possibility that you'll shit yourself during labor," I say, to a mixture of laughter and sounds of awe. "Oh, yes. Oh, yes," I nod my head. "Your doctor will sit you down and tell you that you could possibly shit yourself," I say again to more laughter. "That's not the funny part, though," I shake my head. "The funny part is the look on your husband's face when he finds out," I start laughing, thinking about how Edward looked at me when I told him. "He first has a look of confidence…followed by fear," I end with a whisper. "It's like I could hear my husband's thoughts," I laugh. "Pssh. There's no way, she'll do that. I mean…come on," I say in 'Edward's' voice. "BUT…" I add, in a whisper. "No…No...not her…" I add a whimper, shaking my head.
"Ladies, when you're in labor a little shit is the least of your worries," I roll my eyes, to a sound of women clapping. "Labor makes cramps feel like a paper cut," I say. "Also, don't let any of your organic-food-eating…Whole Foods-shopping friends try to talk you out of an epidural," I say firmly. "They're all like, 'That's how our ancestors did it, man'" I say in my 'hippie' voice. "Do you know what I think my ancestors were thinking about when they were pushing an 8 pound baby out of their vagina?" I ask. "A HOSPITAL!" I answer, to claps and laughter. "A magical building…where everything was white…. And sterile… that was filled with people who were trained to help you…and each one of those trained people has a magical elixir that makes the pain go away…" I lead off in a whisper. "I was in so much pain, I would have settled for experimental shit to make the birth go faster," I start. "Well…" I say in a 'doctor' voice. "We'll replace your IV with Gatorade…take a thumbtack, some silly putty, and a patch of sandpaper and the baby will fall out…in theory," I say. "BUT…there is a 30 percent chance the baby will have to lose a toe in the process." I make a thoughtful face before saying, "I can live with that…start the drip!" I tap my arm, and the crowd starts laughing.
"Then, you have to raise them," I pout. "It's kinda hard," I shrug, to laughs. "I gave up weed, when I had kids," I start. "It wasn't because I was scared that I'd get high and put my baby in the oven," I roll my eyes. "I just didn't want my child's legitimate first memory of me to be when I was high," I giggle. "I could see my 6 year old crying," I start whimpering, and wiping my eyes. "Mommy," I start crying. "All of the Cocoa Puffs are gone!" I cry, shaking my shoulders and the crowd starts laughing. "Next thing I know, I'm starting an investigation of the missing Cocoa Puffs and I know that I ate them," I huff.
"Cereal was a big thing when I first had kids. I didn't want them to be hyper," I admit. "So, I only let them have Kix," I admit, to a crowd shaking their heads. "I know. I felt terrible. It didn't last long. Mostly, because I missed god cereal…but also," I pause. "Kix is like the handjob of cereal," I say, causing the crowd to laugh. "It's good…but you know what they really want," I wiggle my eyebrows. " I couldn't do that to them."
"All jokes aside," I smile. "Kids are great. They give you macaroni necklaces and drawings of shit that confuses you," I hunch my shoulders with glee. "Enjoy it while it lasts because as soon as they get periods and boners it's a different story," I pout, when the crowd laughs.
I admit, "I caught my son getting a blowjob the other day," to a lot of gasps. "I know. It was horrifying," I shiver. "When your kids get to be old enough, you need to come to grips that they're having sex," I shrug. "My son is kind of a ladies man," I wave off. "I always ask him, "How do you get girls?" I say. "He's a cute little man but I'm always curious. Wanna know what he told me?" I cock my head to the side.
I pull my invisible shirt up and walk away.
"I'm Edward Cullen's son," I shrug my shoulders in my son's voice. "That's all I need to say," I look at the audience in a WTF way.
"The trick is…finding out when they start having sex," I say. "They'll never admit it," I shake my head. "In my opinion, if you don't know when your kids start fucking something is wrong with you," I say to laughter. "When a boy gets laid, he's happy for no reason," I say, smiling from ear to ear. "No….nothing," I smile. "I'm just…in a good mood," I say in a boy's voice. "I could tell because my son's voice changed literally overnight," I confess. "He went on a date and was like, 'Bye, Mom. See you later,'" I say in a child's voice. "He came back and was like, 'Hey,'" I mimic Barry White's voice, I shift my imaginary balls and the crowd starts howling. "I looked at my husband and was like…'Yep…that's pussy,'" I nod my head. "Definitely pussy," I nod again.
"Girls go around like, 'Hi,'" I sigh in a 'baby doll' voice. "They think they're 'sexy,' now," I put sexy in air marks.
"That's when boys and girls start acting different," I notice. "Boys walk around like, 'Can they tell?'" I ask, with a happy face. "Girl, that's when they get their first round of attitude," I roll my eyes. "Also, sexually active girls tend to flip their hair a lot," I say, flipping my hair from the left to the right. "They say, 'I'm a woman,'" I look taken aback. "No you're not. You're a 16 year old with a shitty attitude," I say. I feel like all the parents started laughing and clapping their hands. "I didn't say that…but I wanted to."
"Have you ever wanted to fight your kids?" I ask, genuinely interested in their responses. "Not like verbal…but to physically fight them?" I elaborate. "I mean like," I start taking off my jewelry and my earring. Then, I kick off my shoes. "You…me…outside. NOW!" I point behind me and start cracking my neck. The crowd starts laughing.
"You know what?" I ask. "I don't think spanking should be illegal," I put my hands up in surrender.
There is a bill in the Senate trying to band spanking your children.
"Nobody wants to be the parent in the grocery store… 'Jeffers…'" I start, slapping my thighs like I'm talking to a child. "Jeffers…stop running sweetie…we talked abo…don't take the candy out of the bag…Jeffers…Jeffers…honey…" I pause, as the place starts laughing. "My father would have kicked me into oblivion, if I did that shit," I say, taken aback. The crowd starts laughing.
"Spanking is a lost art form," I start again. "You guys remember when your parents smacked for acting like an asshole?" I ask. "I miss that. They don't let us do that thing called…" I lead off. "What's it called? Oh, yeah…parenting," I say like a just thought of it. "My father beat me like my middle name was piñata," I put my hands on my hips and hear laughter. "He got me so good, I thought a fun-sized Snickers was going to come out of my mouth," I shiver. "People don't discipline their kids…then act surprised when they turn out to be serial killers," I put my hands on my hip.
"That being said," I say, backing up. "I don't want to be the mom that puts her child in a coma for asking for a candy bar either," I giggle, and the audience follows suit. "We've all seen it," I nod my head. "WHAT DID I SAY IN THE CAR?" I yell, kicking the chair over. "YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY JELLY BEANS!" I point at the chair, before picking it up and looking around to see if anyone saw. "Isn't that awkward?" I look around. "The mom looks at you and you have to decide if you're going to say something or not and you eventually walk away from them like they're a wild animal," I say, putting my hands up. "But…it's like…your son is supposed to like jelly beans…he's four," I say in my awkward voice, to laughter.
"I'm afraid to vote on it, because they always make you vote on other shit that's not on TV," I pout, and the audience giggles. "I mean, you vote for the President and Senators and stuff, because you see them on TV," I elaborate. "Every time you go to vote in an election, they hit you with some random ass bill," I complain.
"Do you vote yes on the Rezonification of the Quadrification of Quadrant Four?" I ask in an eager voice. "Uh…" I say, confused. "No…Yeeeeesss?" I answer, looking unsure.
"Someone pops out and screams, 'Congratulations, you bitch!'" I yell, in an angry voice. "You just voted to build a highway through a retarded school," I cross my arms and the crowd laughs. "Why didn't you fucking say that, then?" I ask, offended.
"At that point, they chalk it up to me being old and leave me alone," I shrug. "That's a good thing about being 48, your young enough so people aren't yelling at you… 'IT'S A NICE DAY OUTSIDE,' I say in a patronizing voice, complete with fake smile to laughter. "However, you're old enough to where people assume that you no longer give a shit," I say. "Well, I never gave a shit so I guess I was always ahead of the curve," I sigh.
"I'm getting to the point in my life when my doctor doesn't diagnose me anymore," I chuckle. "My arm clicks now," I admit, placing the microphone over my right shoulder so the audience can hear it. "When it first happened, I was all scared." I start. "I was scared that I had some rare shoulder disease," or something," I sigh. "I go to the doctor and he kinda pissed me off," I huff. "I mean this is a Hollywood doctor. He visits with celebrities and politicians. He went to Harvard. He drives a fucking Bentley!" I admit, to their surprise. "Yet, when I asked him what my shoulder was he said… 'Oh…it just does that now,'" I shrug my shoulder, causing laughter.
"I'm not understanding him. I ask him… 'Is something wrong?" I ask, concerned.
"Well…" I start in my 'doctor' voice. "'You're 48 years old,' he says it like it's an explanation," I end in disbelief. "I could give you some ibuprofen…but that might cause a hole in the lining of your stomach. Then, we'd really have a problem."
"I guess that's what they teach at Harvard," I say, thick with sarcasm. "To think, he just says that all day and we stupid celebrities pay him enough to buy a Bentley," I roll my eyes. "I can tell that he wanted to say, 'You're 48 fucking years old,' but he didn't. He actually made the f-sound before he corrected himself," I say, as the audience laughs. "
"It's hard getting old," I wind down. "I can honestly say that it's been a good ride," I nod in appreciation. "I can't believe that all of you guys came here tonight," I start clapping. The audience follows suit. I look around to people standing out of their seats and cheering and a rush flows through my body. "God bless," I take a bow, before the curtain falls.
"Perfect!" Rose smiles, hugging me.
"You looked great," Alice beams. "You didn't kick your shoes in the crowd. Did you?" she asks, worried.
"Here," Roger comes, shoes and jewelry in hand.
"Thanks," Alice and I smile.
"I have the world's most fabulous boss," Roger kisses my cheeks.
"Second…" Alice challenges.
"Third…" Rose chimes in.
"Bitches," I roll my eyes, as I find myself lifted off the ground.
"Here we go," the peanut gallery says in unison, as Edward spins me around.
"Hey," I kiss him, after he puts me down.
"Hey," he smiles at me, going back in for another kiss.
We get carried away, our tongues licking and sucking each other, before a cough snaps us out of it.
"What?" Edward asks, as I start to kiss his neck.
He smells so fucking delicious. I still haven't found out what it is.
"I need to talk to Bella about an idea," Rose says.
"Tomorrow," I stop her, hugging Edward's side. "We have…plans," I smile sinisterly.
That involve Edward's penis.
"TMI," Alice scowls.
"Well…" Edward picks me up again. "We need to get out of here."
I love that Edward still likes to pick me up. But…he's 48. I don't want him to break his back, trying to be romantic.
"Did you like it?" I ask, as he gently puts me down inside the limo.
"I loved it," he smiles, nipping at my neck. "You were so funny," he adds. "You looked so beautiful," he unzips the back of my dress.
"You're so horny today," I blush, pushing the fabric to my waist.
I am too…so we're good.
There we have it!
I will start the sequel after I wrap up Emotional Warfare! Again, sorry for the wait!
Reviews make me happy!
Lavelle Crawford, Louis C.K. , and Patton Oswalt gave me some jokes for the comedy special.