Space Admiral Rodcocker was standing on the bridge of the Time Humper, lost in thought. Beyond the thick glass of the viewport, the Greater Flagellan Nebula bathed the bridge in warm hues of blue and ochre. Candy colors swirled at the nebula's center, reminding Rodcocker of the pungeant but vibrant vaginal sweat of a maiden he deflowered in an Oresian parallel universe.

"Sir?" Major Taintlicker repeated, clearing his throat.

Rodcocker stirred from his reverie and looked up.

"Yes, Major?"

"The Bussard ramjets are online, sir. Hydrogen scoops are operational and fuel reserves are at optimal levels. Awaiting your orders."

Rodcocker straightened, then walked toward his command chair at the center of the bridge. He nodded at the conswoman, Lieutenant Sploogeguzzler.

"Engage!" he said, gesturing with his right hand.

The Time Humper rumbled as its powerful ramjets came to life, and in an instant the nebula was gone, replaced in the viewport by streaking blue-shifted stars, stretching to infinity like the bioluminescent pubic hairs of an Andromedan Flux Swimmer.

"Taintlicker," Space Admiral Rodcocker addressed his first officer. "Did I ever tell you about the time I narrowly escaped imprisonment at the hands of a Cuntarian Razorsnatch?"

Taintlicker nodded.

"Several times, sir."

Rodcocker grunted. "I thought I might have. Never mind, then."

"Sir," Taintlicker said tentatively, "respectfully, you seem...distracted."

Rodcocker nodded. Although he was present on the Time Humper, seated comfortably in his Command Chair, infinite versions of him existed in a multiverse: In one parallel brane, he was smoking Turd Opium in the lounge of a Twatillian Pleasure House. In another, a pair of Caitian princesses serviced his dual penises, their barbed tongues taking on the texture of wet sandpaper.

But most distracting of all to Rodcocker was a version of himself on a Terran world, where he stood in an enclosed compound, surveying imprisoned females of a strange race called human. All around him, the females sat on low benches, sniffing at a brown gruel that was supposed to provide them sustenance.

One of the human females spoke, and surprisingly, Rodcocker could understand her words.

"Officer Donaldson!" the woman called to him. "How are we supposed to eat this shit?"

The Space Admiral was on the verge of correcting her, demanding that she address him as a member of the Galactic Admiralty, but something stayed his tongue.

Strange noises formed in his mouth: "Just eat your lunch, ladies. You don't like it? Complain to Caputo."

Rodcocker surveyed the dining hall, his eyes sweeping across the tables. Was that...?

"Edwina!" he heard himself call.

She turned slowly, her eyes finding his. It was her!

"Edwina! My love! I've found you!"

"Rodcocker!" Edwina screamed delightedly. "Rodcocker, it really is you! I knew you wouldn't abandon me!"

Long moments stretched out, measured in heartbeats as Rodcocker and Edwina leapt into each other's embrace. For a few seconds, all was right with the universe. Rodcocker could feel his penii stiffen across multiple universes as he held Edwina tight.

But the universe conspired against them.

"Donaldson! Donaldson! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Rodcocker could feel hands on his shoulders and arms, tearing him from Edwina.


The world went black.