Random Ramblings 2
Severus Snape, greasy git, potions expert, vampire bat, rich boy to name but a few of the names attributed to our hero. Yes he is the centre of attention in Random Ramblings mainly because he is the only one who isn't on the St. Mungo's "to be attended to" list but don't tell him that or he'll be upset. Our hero was currently stalking down the street, yes he can stalk down a street but I have no idea how he does it so don't try it at home. His cloak swished like a pair of bat wings gliding elegantly behind him only to be caught in the lose twigs of a tree, efficiently strangling him. While he was screaming for his breath, he couldn't help noticing that his archenemy Black was kneeling not far from him. So being the bright boy he was, our hero screamed to Black for help while the cloak got ever tighter. Unfortunately this wasn't a wise move.
"Shut up will you?! Your disturbing our romantic Ronde vous (don't ask what it is just pretend you're French and very romantic. No wait you have to be French to be very romantic or is it the other way round? Anyway just read!). Can't you see that my love is making the decision of a lifetime?!" Black snapped annoyed while our hero groped out his throat. "I said be quite! Or just go away!" and with that Black gently kissed his fiancé on the hand, yes his eggcup has miniature hands mainly because he stuck them on himself but never mind, and gently moved her away from the bat caught in the tree.
Don't worry readers our hero will not die! Just as he had given up all hope and moved towards the light, or rather the dark, Lucius Malfoy appeared combing his hair will a Barbie comb.
"I say Sevvie!" said Malfoy in his annoyingly posh and girly voice, completely oblivious to the fact that his friend was being strangled to death by a tree, " How do you get your hair so slick and shiny. I've tried Barbie Shine but it never gives me the desired affect. I say Sevvie are you alright?" asked Lucius who had just become aware of our hero's desperate screams and choking noises. Our hero being the smart guy he was decided to be very sarcastic and said as best he could as well as being strangled,
"Well! Do I look aright?"
"Yeah I'd say you were just fine but will you please tell me your secret to shiny hair. Me and Cindy doll are desperate!" said Lucius surveying his friend whose eyeballs were beginning to bulge.
"Yes! If you help me get off my cloak!" screamed Sev as best he could.
"Alright don't be so pushy!" exclaimed Lucius and whipped out his toy wand, which was as always a Barbie product, "My mummy said I could do anything with this so just you watch!" Our hero tried to babble his disagreement but unfortunately Lucius either couldn't hear him or didn't want to hear him so poor Sev could only wait. "Albarbicuallius!" screamed Lucius pointing his wand at Sev's face. There was a blinding ray of pink light and the last thing our hero noticed was the huge Barbie sign which had effectively replaced his Slytherin Snake.
"Come on don't be such a girl!" shouted Lucius to his friend who had just fainted. He thoughtfully hit Snape on the head with a his Barbie scooter, which didn't really help matter too much because all it did was leave a rather blue mark on Sev's forhead. Seeing his friend wasn't going to walk up, he conjured up a sign saying "Gone to hell, back in five minutes," and place on Sev's chest.
It was around dinner time when anyone came across our poor hero and that person just happened to be Jamesie. Not just any Jamesie but a very annoyed Jamesie. The reason for his annoyance is not know to me (what are you all talking about I'm just the author. It's not like I can control what's going on!). Anyway to the point, it was already getting rather dark when James finally tripped over Snape and he unfortunately stepped right wear it hurt most on a boy. Of course it was an accident, James would never think of harming our hero, would he?
James was by no means a stupid boy; he was mad but not stupid. He had just learnt from Sirius some first aid. The basic principle of first aid was if some one wasn't moving than they needed first aid. (I advise all readers to not heed James' basic concept. He only came up with the basic concept because he couldn't understand anything else). Well, to James' keen eye, Snape wasn't moving and there was a note stuck to his chest with the words: "gon too hel, bc in 5 menets" which he interpreted as Greek, not that James could speak Greek but because some one had once told him that anything he couldn't read would be Greek to him. With all the evidence James couldn't help putting two and two together.
"Help! Some aliens that speak Greek have abducted Snape's soul! Some one help him!" After about 5 minutes of shouting, James decided that the only way he could get Snape's soul back was by mouth-to-mouth artificial resuscitation. Not that James had ever felt any brotherly love towards Snape. He was only doing this because from personal experience he knew that mouth-to-mouth artificial resuscitation wasn't a pleasant experience and he gained this wise knowledge due to the over eagerness of Sirius. Right to the point, James knelt beside Snape and put his hands on our Hero's chest. Leaning over he placed him mouth over Snape's with surgical precision and sucked out the air. The most horrible taste invaded James' mouth, it tasted like toads' pee mixed with athlete's foot with a pinch of nightshade. However being the determined guy he was, James carried on the resuscitation. He clamped his mouth over Snape's and blew in this time. He repeated this process several times with his eyes closed.
Meanwhile Lily had just finished watching her episode of Teletubies and had decided against all her common sense to find James. As she walked down the road she saw to her surprise her friend lying on top of Snape in a Barbie suit. Snape was trying to eat James! That was her only reaction!
"Help! Snape's a cannibal!"
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggg!" screamed Snape as he sat up and spat out the contents of his mouth. "You disgusting person! What the hell do you think you're doing! If you want to be gay you go be gay with Black or Lupin!"
"I'm not gay…" replied James a very uncertainly.
"Of course you are, trying to kiss me! You fool go kiss Black or someone!" with a definite glare Snape got up and stalked down the road but his aura of intimidation was lessened as his torn cloak flapped about making him look like a hero. As he left a strange glint appeared in James' eyes; a glint of one enlightened.
"So, that's why Lily doesn't like me because I'm gay," he half muttered to himself.
"Oh, Jamesie, come and play teletubies with me!" squealed some one behind him.
With mounting fear the knight (yes, this is in James' imagination) James Potter turned around to see who it was and standing right behind him was non other than Narcissus, the most dreaded banshee in the land. Never hesitating once he drew out his magical sword and stared as the blade glinted in the sunlight. With one look at the banshee he run holding the sword up to strike her. There was a piercing shriek as the banshee tried to use its most powerful weapon against the valiant knight. James screwed up his ears and brought the almighty sword down onto her head.
"James Potter, what have you done!"
AN: Hope you liked that guys, I know the ending isn't good up I had to do a religious studies assignment. It is so boring. Anyway I have an appeal: IF ANY ONE WRITES OR KOWNS ABOUT ANY AU FIC IN WHICH HARRY IS TAKEN BY VOLDEMORT AND TRAINED AS A BABY PLEASE TELL ME THROUGH THE REVIEW. THANX