'Alucard's XXX-Mas Carols'

Walter con Dolneaz, the ever faithful butler/retired Angel of Death of the HELLSING Institute, was busily servicing a semi-automatic firearm in his workshop (his 37th for the night!) when the emergency HELLSING P.A. system cackled into life. The deep voice belonging to the HELLSING's numero uno nuisance of an Undead 'pet' aka Alucard was heard overhead.

"-eh hmmn, let's see, is this thing on? Ooh: it is!! Wonderful, heh heh heh…"

The sound of an intake of breath followed. Then in a horribly off-key pitch that left no doubt that the crimson clad 'No Life King Prankster' was tone deaf, he began to sing his perverse version of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas'.

"On the 12th day of Christmas my Integra gave to me;

Twelve black bikinis,

Eleven negligees,

Ten naked photos,

Nine silky undies,

Eight satin bloomers,

Seven sexy garments,

Six push-up bras,

Five red g-striiiiiiiings!!

Four lingeries,

Three bullet wounds,

Two laundered panties

And a HELLSING raunchy stripteeeeeeease!!!

Heh heh heh, YEAH BABY YEAH!!! WHOOO!!"

While the vampyre hooted with insane laughter (which sounded quite spine-tingling when being blared from the P.A. system), Walter recovered from his shock and dashed out of his workshop, making his way to the P.A. communications room to stop the bad cad of a totally mad vampyre. Obviously the whole Manor must have heard the unorthodox transmission, for the retired 'Bishi Gami', er, your pardon, 'Shini Gami' found himself barking at immobilised HELLSING personnel blocking his way to "…stop that laughin' yeh great big stupid prats!! And get the fook off the floor an' outta the way!!"

Alucard must have believed that he was good enough for another round of 'Karaoke Christmas Carols', for when Walter reached the landing of the second floor (the P.A. room was on the third), the vampyre began his rendition of 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'. Here's an extract:

"…she didn't see me creep,

From the wall to have a peep,

She thought that I was tucked up in my coffin fast asleep!!

Then I saw her slip on a negligee,

Oh -DAMN!- what a sight she was undressed!!

Such a shock it would've been,

If Walter had only seen,

Integra undressed in front of him!!!!



Walter was now turning into charming shade of red, similar to a variety of tomatoes from your local supermarket; his face was torn between amusement and mortification. Before he planted a foot on the flight of stairs leading to the third floor, the aged steward was violently pushed from behind into the wall by a force beyond all reckoning; the force, being of course, a very, VERY miffed Integra Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing. She raced up the stairs three at a time, waving her pistol above her platinum blonde head like a deranged psychopath to match Alucard, screaming a 'Hellsing War Cry' as well as industrial quality obscenities and malicious death-threats from her pert mouth at her (soon-to-be put down) 'pet'.

The poor old butler was left in a sorry heap on the second floor landing after colliding with the wall, staring up at the ceiling, wondering why, in the name of all things sane and rational, he hadn't accepted his retirement package the year before.

While Walter was pondering his regretful action, Alucard continued with another corrupted Christmas carol, this time 'Jingle Bells'.

"What the hell?!

Integra Hell-

Sing is in a dress!!

Oh my God, what a shock:

She's showing off her legs…"

At this point the sound of wood splintering was heard over the speakers as well as hysterical screeching, interrupting Alucard's bawdy performance. He managed to speak over his incredibly distressed Master (THAT'S an understatement!!).

"OH! Master! Such a delightful surprise, but must you announce yourself like that? Heh heh heh, that's the second door you've broken in one week-*BANG*-GAHH!! Master I must protest, if you wanted to join in-*BANG BANG*- WOAH!! Really now!! All you had to do was grab the radio mouthpiece and sing! No need for this random sh-*BANG BANG BANG BANG*-"

After sounds of a struggle, uncensored swearing (from Integra), throaty chuckles/vehement protests (from Alucard) and more gunshots, the brazen broadcast was cut off in a fizzle of static; it seemed that either one must've damaged the P.A. system, though most probably it was peppered by a wayward blast from Integra's pistol. The sound of thumping footsteps was heard coming down the stairs, so Walter hastily picked himself up and returned to his duties; he didn't want to be around an incensed Integra on the warpath, much less so when she was armed.

The following night Alucard was to be seen around the Manor in high spirits, grinning madly while constantly humming Christmas carols, seemingly none the worse for wear despite the fracas of last night. However everyone noted that his normally confident gait was replaced with a curious hobble…

Author's Drivel:

Okay, the reason why I have done this compilation is because the OMAKES are running my life. Honestly, I'm not getting any work done with my chapter fics 'cos of these!$@#%*&% OMAKES incessantly pop into my head! So please, take 'em, read 'em and enjoy 'em, ANYTHING, but just KEEP them away from my creative processes!! Rest assured that I will be continuing with 'Walter's Gotten His Groove Back' and 'HELLSING: Bloodlines'.

Oh and this OMAKE is twice as long as an average OMAKE; that's because I had so much fun coming up with Alucard's lyrics for the carols. It was inspired by my mother and her #!%$#@ non-stop 'Christmas Karaoke CD'. Blame her for your sore belly muscles. Heh heh heh, Merry Christmas everyone!!