I AM YOUR FATHER
They stood facing one another, the boy-who-lived and he-who-must-not-be-named, (wow that's a lot of hyphens) both eager for their final confrontation. Harry was prepared, resolved even, ready to die for the cause like the stupid little martyr he'd been programed to be since the day his parents died. Harry was prepared, or so he believed.
"So Harry, you come to face me at last, ready to stop running like a frightened little girl" taunted the Dark lord?
"You won't win you know" said Harry, "there'll always be someone, someone ready to stand up for what's right."
"Oh sweet Merlin you are such a goody two shoes" snarked the dark lord, "if I'd known this was how you'd turn out I'd have switched you at the hospital and hoped your mother didn't notice."
Harry stared at the dark lord confused, "what the bloody hell are you talking about?"
"Oh yes Harry, you know we've always been connected for you see, I am James Potter, AND I AM YOUR FATHER!"
*Insert pussy bitch scream of denial here*
"Yes Harry, that night Voldemort came after us it wasn't him that ultimately won that battle, it wasn't him that killed your mother, it wasn't him that should have 'known' better than to throw a fucking killing curse at you" griped the dark lord Potter.
"Wah, I don't understand?" panicked the 'not' dark lord Potter.
"Magic you twit" insulted the dark lord, "old magic, blood magic, invoked the very moment you were born. It prevents a parent from killing their child directly. I knew what would happen if I tried but I was on such a power trip after killing Voldemort I didn't even think about it."
"But… Why! Why would you want to kill your own son?" demanded Harry, not for a moment questioning the truth of what he was being told.
"Tits" replied his father the dark lord.
"Tits?" Harry stared dumbfounded.
"Tits" the dark lord nodded sagely.
Harry briefly stared at the man, then in a most diplomatic fashion he inquired, "Crazy fucker say whaaaaaat?"
"Tits boy, your mother's tits" he exclaimed as though explaining something to a simpleton.
"What about my mother's tits?" *insert face palm* "I cannot believe I just said that" he muttered which his dark lord father ignored.
"They were great" he cried, "best damn tits in Hogwarts. Why do you think I married her?"
"Because you loved her" Harry offered weakly, too overcome by the absurdity of the situation to do better.
"Yeah, loved part of her that's for sure" said the dark lord with a lecherous grin.
"But that still doesn't explain why you hated me" said Harry.
"Does so" the dark lord shot back, "you stole em' from me, greedy little fucker."
"Whaaa" Harry said intelligently.
"Couldn't hardly get you off of em' once she popped you out" his father groused, "if not for my girl on the side Molly, who knows what I woulda done."
"Molly?" Harry asked, a look of dawning horror on his face.
"Yeah you know, Molly Weasley" the dark lord grinned nostalgically, "now there was another nice set of tits, and she didn't get all on my ass when I shoved the one she was suckling outta the way so I could have a turn."
"Wait, if you an Molly, and Ron was, then what about?" Harry stuttered, unable or unwilling to say it aloud.
"That's right Harry, Ginny is… YOUR SISTER!"
*Insert pussy bitch scream of denial… yet again*
"Oh for merlin's sake grow some balls" grumbled the dark father.
"You grow some balls" Harry whined back.
"Oh I got balls" the dark lord declared making several lewd pelvic thrusts at his son, "you just ask my bitches' bout my balls."
On cue two women emerged from behind the dark lord sidling up on either side. The dark lord looked down right, then down left then nodded his head and gave a double thumbs up.
"Oh for… them too?" he exclaimed as Narcissa Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange sandwiched the dark perv.
"Tit's boy, tits."
In response the two women grasped their respective racks and began rubbing them against their 'evil' master.
Seeing his disgusted face the dark lord said, "Oh don't pretend like you wouldn't tap that too."
Harry wound up to retort then almost instantly deflated, "Yeah I suppose" he admitted.
"What've I been saying boy, TITS" the dark lord crowed.
"Actually I'm more of an ass man" said Harry nonchalantly.
Hearing this confession the dark lord went rigid (not like that… pervs) and the two sisters paled as they sensed their masters ire rising (again, not like that).
"To hear such blasphemy, from my own son no less" growled the dark lord, pointing his wand at Harry, "unacceptable."
The killing curse flew at him just like that night sixteen years earlier.
And just like then it bounced off.
"Da fuck" was all the dark lord had time to say before he was removed from this world, permanently.
The three people still present stared at the pile of robes that were all that remained of the second coming of the most fear dark lord of the century, each having a very different reaction to the situation.
"Well fuck" shouted Bellatrix.
"There goes another one" Narcissa sighed.
Harry remained silent. He'd come ready to die and instead had his entire world turned upside down. Honestly how could this night get any worse? Then he noticed the two women staring at him strangely.
"What?" he said stupidly before his brain could stop his mouth.
Bellatrix licked her lips hungrily as she said "like father like son, ya think?"
Narcissa rolled her eyes, "Really now" she chided.
"Well excuse me but I'm horny" Bellatrix whined, "besides, we already know he's an ass man, and you do have a crackin arse."
Narcissa seemed to be considering this as she glanced back in an attempt to examine her own arse. Harry however was decidedly uncomfortable with the sudden turn in events and was making for a stealthy retreat.
"Now where do you think you're going?" the question was accompanied by a predatory gaze that left Harry feeling much like a mouse staring down its first cat.
"Uh, I… tha is uh."
"That was a rhetorical question darling" purred Narcissa as the two women stalked forward.
The battle was over, the castle was a wreck, people were dead, yet despite this the day was won. This had been made possible by the absence of the dark lord and his most violent lieutenant in the final assault and everyone knew who they had to thank. More than a few however were shocked when that man strode into the castle some hours later, dirty, tired yet still very much alive.
"Harry!" exclaimed Hermione who immediately latched onto the boy like a vice.
To her surprise he readily returned her hug. To her even greater surprise and mild embarrassment he also began massaging her arse.
"Harry" she chided, but not too harshly.
"Yes?" he asked innocently, releasing her hindquarters as she pulled away.
She could only smile and shake her head, "what happened?"
He appeared confounded for a few moments, starting and stopping as though unsure what to even say.
"Ya know what, it doesn't matter" he finally decided, "he's gone, and he's not coming back."
"After so long, feels like forever, we can finally get on with our lives" said Hermione a bit wistfully, "speaking of which, I just saw Ginny a moment ago, I'm sure she'd be happy to see you."
Hermione was shocked when her friend looking suddenly ill, "yeah uh, maybe later" he said before striding purposefully further into the castle.
"Hullo Harry Potter."
Harry smiled, "Hello Luna" he replied as he sat staring out at the rising sun.
"How was your trip to the forest?" she asked, sitting down next to him.
"Educational" he decided, "very educational."
Luna nodded sagely as if that were exactly what she had expected him to say.
"Care to share?"
"Well that depends" said Harry, casually slipping his arm around the little blonde.
"On what" she asked, all big eyed and innocent.
"On your name" said Harry.
"My name?" Luna parroted.
"Does Luna, love good?" He asked with a cheeky grin.
"No" she said.
Before he had time to register the answer he suddenly found himself on his back with the quirky little blond straddling him.
"Luna love 'very' good" she said with a predatory gaze and wiggle of her rear.
Harry simply grinned. Sometimes it was good to be the hero.
And for those that were wondering, yes, Luna love VERY good.
This was a stupid little idea that got lodged in my brain while I was working this morning. Hopefully someone gets a chuckle out of it.