Disclaimer: See my disclaimer in "Eight Continents For Eight Koopas".
Author's Note: My "Send in the Clown" novelization has been delayed yet again, but I still wrote another fanfic novelization of a Mario cartoon! This one is based off of the episode "Rock TV", and like the previous novelizations, includes more than just the episode. I was inspired to write this after watching the "Kirby: Right Back At Ya!" episode "Un-Reality TV", which was rather similar in plot to "Rock TV". In that "Kirby" episode, King Dedede tried to use television to turn everyone against Kirby. That's exactly what Bowser did, sort of, in "Rock TV". For this novelization, I based some parts off of the events of "Un-Reality TV". Also, since Bowser didn't do much TV spoofing in the actual episode, I've included several spoofs of famous TV shows. But anyway, here it is, my newest Mario cartoon novelization!
It was a gloomy day
in Darkland. But for those who lived in Darkland, that was
perfectly normal. But it wasn't so normal for King Bowser Koopa.
The day seemed very much gloomier than usual for the King of the
Koopas. He was in the throne room of his castle, pacing around,
trying to think of an evil plan.
"Man, what a boring day!" Bowser said to himself. "I haven't done anything really rotten in a long time... not since yesterday! Hahahaha!" He chuckled about that silly line. "Hmmm, that's a good one-liner. But what can I do today besides make one-liners?" He thought over his few ideas. "Kidnapping Princess Peach? No, I've done that plenty of times. Taking over Jewelry Land and hiding the twelve Sacred Gems? No way, I was in the hospital for two weeks when I tried that. Sending the kids to take over different regions of the Mushroom Kingdom? Nope, they'd most likely get their tails whipped. Have Junior pollute the beauty of a tropical island? Forget it, it didn't work the first time."
He slapped himself on his snout. "Dang it!" he swore. "There must be some totally depraved, evil, insidious trick I can pull on those stupid Mushroom People! And especially those pain-in-the-tail Mario Bros.! Lemmie think..." He put his right hand under his chin and looked over what he learned from his previous attempts. "What did I learn when I sent the kids to take over the continents of the planet Earth?" He thought back to that episode. "Hmmm, I sent Roy to Asia, Ludwig to Africa, Larry to Australia, Morton to Antarctica, Wendy to Europe, Junior to Oceania, Lemmy to North America, and Iggy to... Hold the phone!"
Nearby, young Iggy Koopa, hearing what Bowser said, held up the telephone. "I don't know why King Dad wants me to hold the phone, but it must be important," he said to himself.
"Lemmy's attempt at dominating the land of the free and the home of the brave told me something about that country," Bowser said to himself. "Something that may be of assistance to me. What did I learn from North America? What's the one thing that is most likely to rot people's minds and reduce their brains to mashed potatoes?"
Bowser thought and pondered for a moment until the answer finally came to him. "I remember now!" he announced to himself. "Television!" Then he realized one catch with his idea. "But there's no way television can make the people of the Mushroom Kingdom do my biddings."
Just then, a lightbulb appeared above his head.
"Or is there?" Bowser turned off the lightbulb and called to his oldest and smartest son. "Ludwig! Get in here!"
Ludwig Von Koopa entered the throne room. "Yes?" he asked in his German accent. "Vhat is it, pop?"
Bowser told him the plan. "Ludwig, get into mass production on television sets. Today, Koopa TV is on the air!" He then laughed evilly. Actually, he laughed so evilly he almost frightened Ludwig. "Sorry," the father apologized, "I get so carried away with my laughter."
An hour or so later
that day, Mario Mario, Princess Peach Toadstool, Luigi Mario, and
Princess Daisy were on a picnic in Rose Way. Much to the
annoyance of Mario and Luigi, they were accompanied by Princess
Peach's butler, Toadsworth. Mario and Luigi were relaxing their
heads as Peach and Daisy respectively comforted them.
"Well now," Toadsworth said, "isn't this a nice picnic?"
"It-a-would be even nicer," an irritated Mario grumbled, "if-a-one fifth of us didn't have to tag along. Toadsworth, this-a-picnic is supposed to be what ees called a double date. And eet isn't really much of a double date with you tagging along-a!"
"I'm very sorry, Master Mario," Toadsworth said to the red-clad plumber, "but I must do what I can to keep Princess Peach protected."
"Look on the bright side, Mario," Luigi looked up from Daisy patting his head. "This is-a-Rose Way we're picnicing in. What could go wrong here-a?"
Suddenly, as Luigi had finished his statement, the sound of an engine roaring was heard in the distance, followed by greedy laughter. Mario and Luigi sat up and looked in the direction of where the noises were coming from. Soon, they could see what it was. It was their old rivals, Wario Wario and Waluigi Wario, speeding through Rose Way in their Greedmobile!
"Does-a-that answer your question-a?" Mario replied to his younger brother.
"Aah haa haa haa haaaa!" Wario grinned in such a nasty fashion. "Hey look Waluigi, it's the Mae-rio Bros., who have the brains of a potted plant, you know!"
Princess Peach stood up and pointed an accusing finger at the ugly pair. "How dare you harm Rose Way with your presence!"
"Because we can," Waluigi answered, as he and his fat brother hopped out of the car.
"Things have changed, Mario," Wario pointed his index finger at his old playmate. "I'm not so much of an unlucky friend who could easily get bitten by Piranha Flowers, flattened by Thwomps, and always stuck being the rustler in cowboy games!"
"Um, I don't-a-remember those-a-parts of our childhood as vividley as you do, Wario," Mario interrupted.
"Whatever," Wario said.
"Well, I'll bet my brother and I could kick you and your brother's butts easily in a wrestling match!" Waluigi challenged.
"Deal!" Luigi accepted, not thinking over the question.
"I don't-a-want to resort to physical violence on you guys-a," Mario got between his brother and the two freaks.
"Ah ha!" Wario laughed. "You're-a-wimping out-a!"
"I am not-a!" Mario argued. "I just don't-a-think a wrestling match would-a-be a good idea to show who could beat who."
Princess Daisy, fed up with the Wario Bros.' presence, started throwing her fists. "Why don't you hop back in your Greedmobile and cruise for freakettes!?" she insulted them.
"Hmmph!" Waluigi humphed in the Princesses' general directions. "I still say Wario and I could kick your boyfriends' butts in a wrestling match!"
"Still," Wario said, "we know when we're not wanted." He and his stick of a brother got back into their car and zoomed off. "Smell you later!" he shouted, laughing along with his brother.
"You sure meet the meanest people outside the Mushroom Kingdom, don't you?" Toadsworth inquired.
"Mm-hmm," Mario nodded. "And to think, Wario used to get the short end of the stick in the games we played."
Just then, Yoshi, Mario and Luigi's dinosaur friend, ran up. "Yoshi-yoshi-yoshi!" the green Struthiomimus squealed excitedely.
"What's up, Yoshi?" Luigi asked.
Yoshi calmed down and began to speak to them in normal English. "You'll never believe this..." he told them. "Actually, you'll never believe this unless you see it!"
So Yoshi led Mario,
Luigi, Peach, Daisy, and Toadsworth back to Toad Town to show
them what he saw. All the Toads who lived in the town had also
caught sight of what Yoshi had seen. When Yoshi returned with the
others, everyone in Toad Town had gathered in front of this new
Mario looked up. "Do my eyes deceive me, or is that the biggest-a-television set I ever saw in my whole life?!"
The red-hatted plumber's eyes weren't deceiving him. There, in the south end of Toad Town, right in front of the whole population, was an enormous television set made entirely out of Blocks. Actually, it was a stage with sides on the horizontal ends, making it look like an enormous television set.
"But there's-a-nothing on-a!" Luigi pointed out.
"Maybe the owners forgot to plut it in-a!" Mario figured.
Behind the giant TV-like stage, Bowser Koopa Jr. was trying to put a costume on his papa. The costume resembled the figure of a presenter, and it had a mascot head so no one would be able to see the face of whoever was wearing it. "Hurry it up there," Bowser ordered his youngest kid. "I gotta go on right away!"
After Bowser got his costume on, he jumped up and got on the stage of the giant TV. He began to make a speech to the huge crowd in front of him. "Hi everybody. I'm, uh..." Bowser turned to look behind himself and read the cue card that Bowser Jr. was holding up for him to read, then turned to face the audience. "I'm Reswob Apook, President of the Apook Corporation, and I'm here to tell you all about an all-new product, from the the geniuses at the Apook Corporation in association with Koopasonic Enterprises, that will revolutionize your home entertainment - Apook TV!"
"Apook TV?" said Russ T., confused.
"What's that?" inquired Rowf.
"And how is it different from all other televisions?" asked L'il Oink.
"You say 'what's that?' You say 'How is it different from all other televisions?' I'm glad you asked!" Bowser continued. "Apook TV is special because it doesn't need the separate purchase of a cable box or a sattelite in order to play 1,000 channels!" Almost everyone in the herd oohed and ahhed at this statement. "On Apook TV, friends, you can watch all kinds of wonderful shows! Great shows like..."
At this point, Bowser jumped down and proceeded to announce show titles from behind the stage.
"...The Drew Larry Show..."
Larry Koopa jumped up onto the stage and waved to everyone. He had on glasses, had his hair slicked down, and was wearing a business suit.
"If frogs could fly..." Larry said, "well, we'd still be in this mess, but wouldn't it be neat?"
Almost everyone in the crowd laughed, and Larry jumped back down behind the stage.
"...Everybody Loves Lemmond..."
Lemmy and Iggy Koopa jumped up onto the stage. Lemmy was dressed up like Raymond Romano, and Iggy was wearing a green sweater that looked very much like the one Ray's older brother, Robert, wore.
"I could have been a pretty good hockey player," Iggy talked in that pouting tone that Robert talked in. "I was big, I had the toughness, and I had good eye coordination."
"Yeah," Lemmy replied, "but eventually you'd have to let go of the side."
The audience laughed again as the twins jumped back down.
Roy Koopa came up, dressed up as Jerry Seinfeld. "People don't just bump into each utta and hide in a closet," he pointed out. "Dis ain't cinema."
More laughter ensued as Roy jumped down.
"...Morton Koopthon's Flying Circus..."
Morton Koopa Jr., dressed as John Cleese, appeared onstage, sitting behind a desk. "And now for something completely different," he said.
Bowser Jr. appeared below him, wearing a mop over his head. "It's..."
Ludwig Von Koopa came up with his little piano and played "The Liberty Bell March", ending it with a flatulent noise. Nearly the entire audience applauded as Ludwig, Morton, and Bowser Jr. went back behind the stage.
This time, all eight Koopalings walked onstage, all dressed up as the eight main characters of "Frasier". The audience cheered and applauded right before the eight kids went back behind the stage.
Then Bowser jumped back onto the stage. "If live action isn't your thing, don't worry! Apook TV also plays wonderful animated shows! Famous cartoons such as..."
At this point in the sentence, Bowser jumped back down behind the stage again.
Kammy Koopa, dressed up like the Walt Disney Television Animation heroine Kim Possible (even sporting a KP-like hairstyle), swung down from the upper right corner of the "screen", landing perfectly. Then Kamek the Magikoopa, sporting the looks of Kim's sidekick, Ron Stoppable, followed, trying to do the same, but landed flat on his belly, in typical Ron Stoppable fashion. He got up and, along with Kammy, took a bow to the audience and walked back behind the stage.
"...Teenage Mutant Ninja Troopas..."
The Ninjakoopa Bros. jumped up onstage. They looked basically the same as when Mario had fought them in his quest to rescue the seven Star Spirits of Star Haven. But they were now wearing headbands that were differently colored from their shells, and they now had ninjittsu weapons. Ninjakoopa Red, the leader of the four Koopa Troopas, was wearing a blue mask and had in his hands two Katana Blades. Ninjakoopa Green, the naturally dumb one, had on an yellow-orange mask and was swinging nunchakus. Ninjakoopa Yellow, the smartest of the quartet, wore a purple mask and was holding a Bo Staff. And the brash one, Ninjakoopa Black, donned a red mask, and was wielding two Sai daggers.
"Here come the Koo--" the Ninjakoopas started to say, but they suddenly stopped in the middle of the sentence, as it wasn't the right thing to say now. They worried about what to say for a few seconds as Ninjakoopa Red turned around to read Bowser Jr.'s cue cards. They stopped fidgetting and gave their line. "COWABUNGA!!" the four turtles yelled out. Having said their line, they went backstage, with the audience clapping their hands.
Bowser Jr. came up and took a bow. His red hair, parted down the middle by a small turquoise baseball cap, was sticking in both directions, and his untucked shirt had the effect of a kilt. Just then, Captain Syrup walked by, wearing Wendy O. Koopa's hair bow, and a big black fake eyebrow taped above her eyes.
"Move it, football head!" the female pirate razzed, knocking Bowser Jr. down. Then they jumped back behind the stage.
"...and of course, The Simpsoopas."
Larry Koopa came back up, now wearing a red T-shirt and blue shorts. He was accompanied by Kent C. Koopa, who was wearing a white shirt and blue pants.
"Eat my shorts!" Larry took out a slingshot and shot a green Koopa shell at Kent C.
"D'oh!" Kent C. grunted, rubbing his head.
The audience rocked and rolled with laughter as Larry and Kent C. returned to the back of the giant TV.
Bowser leaped back up onstage, still in his Reswob Apook costume. "Any questions?" he asked.
"Yes," Raz raised his hand. "Raini and I are expecting a baby, and we need a good role model for him or her. Does Apook TV play good shows for young impressionable children?"
"Yes, it does, Mr. Father-To-Be!" Bowser answered. He then jumped down and came back up, wearing an old man's sweater. Bowser Jr. followed him, dressed as a furry red monster. "Apook TV plays enjoyable kiddy shows, like Mr. Koopa's Neighborhood and Ohbame Street!"
"Oooh! That sounds like fun!" commented King Toadstool, Peach's brainless papa.
"Sire, don't be such a doo-doo head," warned his advisor, Wooster.
On the stage, the father and son went back down, and Bowser returned, back in the costume. "Any other questions?"
"Does Apook TV get the Food Network?" Tayce T. asked.
"Um... yes," a surprised Bowser told her.
"Does this visual radio broadcast the Science Channel?" Professor Elvin Gadd interrogated.
"Yes!" Bowser replied, annoyed. "All of your favorite networks are available on Apook TV! Now here's something even better - we've got the world famous Mushroom World Wrestling Federation!"
All the Mushroom men (one of whom was an obvious crossdresser) in the audience cheered. Then Bowser jumped down, picked up two pathetic cardboard cut-outs of heavyweight Mushroom wrestlers, and slammed them against each other on the "screen" of the giant TV. The male Toads booed this fake act. "Boo! Boo! Get outta here, come on!"
"OK, OK," Bowser apologized. "Next time we'll have the real thing. How about this? Totally hip... AMTV!" He came up dressed as one of the guys from the music band Saint Dragon. "With stars like Saint Gleeok!" he added, dancing to the music of the group's hit song "Nintendo". When he finished, he jumped down once again and returned once more as Mr. Apook. "Now, here's the really big news. You can enjoy all this and much, much more on your very own Apook TV, in your very own home!"
"Yay!!" the citizens of Toad Town cheered.
"How do we get one?" Luigi asked.
"And-a-more important," Mario added, "how much-a?"
"You ask how? You ask how much?" Bowser replied, as Ludwig handed him a sample Apook TV. The set was basically a 1/10th-scaled version of the stage. "You can get your own Koopasonic Apook TV right here at the sight of the great big television! And it's all yours with a measly ten Coins... and a Coin per half an hour of viewing!"
Later that day,
nearly everyone in Toad Town was lining up in front of the giant
TV to buy their Apook TVs. Even the Mario Bros. were in line, and
they each had a Blue Coin. At the front of the line, Bowser stood
in front of a desk where Apook TVs were piled.
"Ten Yellow Coins. Five Red Coins. Two Blue Coins," Mario said, looking at the equal figures. "And they're all you need to buy an Apook TV! That's-a-cheap-a!"
"But a coin per show?" Luigi reconsidered. "That's-a-gonna add up fast! Remember the trouble we got into with that 'Speak to Santa' hotline back in Brooklyn?"
Mario paused and thought back to the day a hotline put them in hot water...
A younger Mario
Mario, dressed in his old red overalls, blue shirt, and black
shoes, was in the Bros.' old apartment, fixing the drain in a
bathtub. Just then, Luigi, wearing his old green trousers,
slammed open the front door.
"Mario! Mario!" he yelled, running down the stairs. "I just got our monthly phone bill... and let's just-a-say it doesn't look-a-good."
Mario took the phone bill from his brother and looked at it. "Hmmm-a... 'Phone Bill... Amount Due: $129,256.31?!' Aah! Oh no!" He fainted at the sight of the large price.
By now, the Mario
Bros. were right near the front of the line. Even after
remembering the phone bill, Mario wasn't worried. "Hey! That
was-a-back when we had to work for a living! Now all we have to
do is-a-bash a few Blocks and-a-rake in the buckaroos!"
Ahead of them, Russ T. was paying five Red Coins for his Apook TV. Bowser, who was still wearing his Mr. Apook costume, handed him an Apook TV set, and the Toad Town librarian carried it with difficulty, as it was so heavy. "Next!" Bowser called.
The Marios now had a better look at "Mr. Apook", and they could see a little problem with his face. "Hey, Mario!" Luigi whispered. "How come his-a-mouth doesn't move when he talks-a?"
"Maybe he's-a-been watching too many Bugs Bunny cartoons-a!" Mario joked. A nearby Toad played a comedy drum beat, and Luigi fell down in stupidity. "But who cares-a? I want-a-my Apook TV!"
Luigi picked himself up, and they approached Bowser.
"Here you go, Mr. Apook!" Mario handed over his and Luigi's Blue Coins. "Ten clams, I mean Coins! Or two Blue Coins, as the case may be."
"Clams, Coins, old socks, we're giving them away!" Bowser put the Blue Coins on the desk, then took one of the Apook TVs and handed it to Mario. "Here's your Apook TV, sir. Have a nice day!"
Mario looked at the television set he was holding. "Uh, Mr. Apook, I don't-a-mean to pry, but, where's the remote control-a?"
"Uh..." Bowser fished for an excuse. "Uh, you gotta be on the waiting list! The remote will be right with you in a few weeks! In the meantime, just kick back and enjoy! Next!!!" he called, slapping Luigi on the back.
Mario and Luigi, holding the TV, carried it. "Hey!" Mario suggested. "Let's-a-take our new TV home and-a- set it up-a!" And so the two plumbers ran as fast as they could run with the TV in hands back to their house.
Soon, at Mario and
Luigi's Pad, Peach, Daisy, Yoshi, and Toadsworth watched as Luigi
read the instructions and Mario set up the Apook TV in the
Mario connected the final wires. "There-a! Finished!"
"Now that-a-we have a thousand-channel TV..." Luigi and his brother jumped onto their bunk beds and turned on the TV. "...Let's-a-watch eet!"
The others just stood there as the two brothers got absorbed with the television.
"Hey-hey, come on, Princess!" Mario called to Peach. "Watch-a-some TV with us-a!"
"Forget it!" Peach disagreed. "I think that Apook TV is stupid."
"I agree with Peach," Daisy said. "None of the stuff on this boob's tube is actually happening."
"I don't see why people want to waste their lives in front of an idiot's box," Peach observed. "What do you think, Yoshi? Yoshi?"
She and Daisy looked ahead and gasped in astonishment. Yoshi and Toadsworth were sitting there, watching TV!
"Hey, this is real good," Yoshi said to his friends. "Do you think maybe television could work on tropical islands?"
Toadsworth laughed, amused. "Maybe the Princess doesn't like it, but this so-called TV has some pretty funny shtick."
"LUIGI!!!" Daisy yelled at her green-hatted boyfriend. "WE USED TO HAVE LIVES BEFORE APOOK TELEVISION!!!!"
"Aah, it's-a-your loss-a," Luigi said.
"Oh, Who Wants To Be A Koopabit Collector is-a-comin' up next-a," Mario said, looking at the guide that came with the TV set.
"Well, count me out!" Peach declined. "Daisy and I are going out for a nature walk in Mushroom Way. And you're coming with us, Yoshi!"
"What?" Yoshi shouted, upset. "But, but... but I wanna watch TV too!"
"No buts, Yoshi!" Daisy restricted Yoshi as Peach took him by the hand. "Maybe you can resist television, unlike Luigi and Mario."
Toadsworth stood up and joined Peach and Daisy. "If Princess Peach insists on a nature walk, then I have no choice but to accompany her."
"Hey!" Mario called to the quartet as they were walking out the front door. "Maybe we'll-a-see you on PBS!"
Meanwhile, at the
giant TV, Bowser and his troops were all watching monitors that
showed everyone who had bought an Apook TV watching it.
"Look, pop!" Ludwig pointed out. "Even the Mario Bros. are hoooked on Apook TV!"
"With two-way TVs," Bowser chortled, "I can watch those Mushrooms watching our shows! Heh heh, this was a great idea! Everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom is glued to Koopa TV!"
"Yeah, except fo' dose bratty princess girlfriends of da Marios," Roy mumbled.
Bowser strangled his shades-sporting son. "What's the matter? Don't they appreciate our star quality?!"
"Sir, that may be just it," Kammy observed.
"Well, no matter, I don't need Princess Peach this time." Bowser put Roy down, put on some aerobics clothes, and turned to the team of Magikoopas. "Magikoopas, activate the Hypno-Cathode. And remember, Kamek, when I give the signal, you activate the self-destruct feature in the TV set that I gave to the Marios."
"Yes, your highness!" Kamek got up by a camera and shot some of his magic at it. All of his coworkers got in front of TV cameras and did the same thing.
Mario and Luigi were
still watching TV when a ray of Hypno-Cathode came out and hit
them. They immediately became hypnotized by what they were seeing
on the screen.
A logo appeared on the screen, and Bowser said, in a voice over: "And now it's time for everybody's favorite Koop-aerobics show, Bowser Sez!"
The "Bowser Sez" logo disappeared, and Bowser appeared on the screen. "All right, everybody! Bowser Sez, hop on your feet! It's time to trim all that ugly fat!"
The Mario Bros. were rather hesitant at first.
The Mario Bros. got up off their couch and started hopping on their feet.
At Raz and Raini's residence, the future parents were also under the effects of Bowser Sez. Bowser continued to give out his commands. "Bowser Sez, jump up and down and kick your legs around! Come on, you lazy Mushroom couch potatoes!"
Raz and Raini stopped hopping on their feet and began to jump and kick their legs around.
"Bowser Sez, oink like a pig!"
"Oink oink oink oink!" Raz and Raini oinked. "Oink oink oink!"
"Don't you love it?" Bowser laughed. "Hey, now here's a real special game Bowser wants everybody to play." He wiggled his claw. "Listen up real good..."
Kamek saw Bowser wiggling his claw. "The signal!" he shouted, right before hitting a big red button that sent a signal to one place - Mario and Luigi's House!
Mario and Luigi were
still under the effects of the hypnosis when suddenly, the TV
cracked in half! The brothers snapped out of their trance.
"Hey! Our TV's-a-broken!" Mario shouted, banging and shaking the cracked set.
"Maybe we need to pay more Coins!" Luigi assumed.
All over Toad Town, citizens pointed their ears toward their TVs as Bowser told them what to do. "Bowser Sez, everybody go to Mario's Pad, and get Mario and Luigi, and bring them to me!" With that, his picture faded out and was replaced with a test pattern. The Toads got up off their couches and headed out their doors, growling angrilly.
worthless junk-a!" Mario picked up the broken Apook TV and
threw it out the window. It flew over Toad Town and landed in the
pipe leading to the Toad Town Tunnels. "I can't-a-believe we
wasted two Blue Coins on that thing-a!"
"Maybe the Princess was right when she said TV was stupid," Luigi decided.
Suddenly, they heard the shout of an angry crowd.
"What's-a-that-a-sound?" Luigi asked.
The Mario Bros. looked out their window and saw everyone in Toad Town standing outside their house. And they didn't look the least bit happy. "Get Mario! Get Luigi!" they chanted.
"It's-a-the Toads-a!" Mario answered Luigi's question. "And they're-a-storming our house!"
The Toad Town Dojo Master kicked open the door. Then the Toads ran in, grabbed the plumbers, and began to carry them out the door.
"Put us-a-down, you fungi!" Mario shouted as the Toads dragged him and Luigi down the warp pipe in front of the house.
Soon, the Toads had
brought Mario and Luigi around the back of the giant TV. Bowser
stood in front of them. "Good work, my obedient
Mushrooms!" he congratulated the Toads.
"Bowser!" Mario pointed an accusing finger at the evil turtle. "So you're the one behind this brain-baffling broadcast-a! I should've known! Especially since 'Reswob Apook' is-a-'Bowser Koopa' spelled backwards-a!"
"Ah, you are correct, my fine flushing fool," Bowser said triumphantly. "And you and your brother are two lucky plumbers. You're gonna be TV stars!"
Mario turned to face the Toads. "Hmph! Thanks a lot, Friends!" he sarcastically complimented.
"TV stars? What's-a-the show?" Luigi asked.
Bowser picked the both of them up and threw them beside the TV-like stage, which, as they could see, also doubled as a wrestling ring. "'All Star Battle Royal Smash Brothers Wrestling' - Tag Team Mode!"
Close by, Iggy and Lemmy Koopa rang a bell with hammers to signal the beginning of the show. Koopa Troopas began filming the match on TV cameras, and the people of Toad Town went in front of the wrestling ring to take their seats.
Morton Koopa Jr. stepped up to the microphone. "Welcome to 'All Star Battle Royal Smash Brothers Wrestling'!" he announced. "A splendid gladiatorial spectacle! A fabulous fight to the finish! In this corner, in the dark-colored overalls and yellow and purple hats, weighing in at 190 pounds each, a totally terrible twosome, a titanic, thunderous, thumping, throttling, towering, thrusting, tripping, top heavy, top notch, top fight, tip toe, tip top, top tip..."
At this point, Bowser climbed into the ring and approached Morton. "Top this, turkey mouth!"
"Wait!" Morton called. "I'm just about to finish! This big, big, BIG finish! In this corner, the Grrrrrreeeeedy Wario Bros.! A totally teriffic twosome, a terrifying..."
Before Morton could finish, Bowser picked him up and threw him into the distance.
"Yaaaaargh!" Morton screamed, as he disappeared with the twinkle of a star.
"Wait a minute," Mario pointed out. "Did he just say..."
But before he could finish, the sound of greedy laughter was heard again. He looked up and saw where it was coming from. Now he knew.
Wario and Waluigi landed their Bulldog plane and got out. Everyone in the audience erupted with applause.
"Wario!" Mario shouted.
"Waluigi!" Luigi shouted at the same time.
"What are you doing here?" Mario asked angrilly.
"We said we could beat you in a wrestling match," Wario explained with a ferocious grin.
"And thanks to Bowser here, we're gonna prove it!" Waluigi added, clenching his fists.
Bowser stepped in front of the Warios and spoke to the Marios. "Also, Koopa TV is gonna let everyone in the Mushroom World watch the Wario Bros. beat the plumbing tools out of you!"
At this point, Morton returned, wearing a bandage on his head, and climbed back onstage and took the microphone again. "Thank you, thank you!" he said, acknowledging the Toads' applause for the Wario Bros. He then began to announce again. "And in this corner, from the bucolic city of Brooklyn on that insipid planet Earth..."
"Huh?" Mario and Luigi shrugged, confused.
"...these two loud, bungling, faucet fixing freaks," Morton continued, "those forever foolish, fur-brained fish heads... Fish heads?" Morton was puzzled by that insult. "A foolish, flabby, bug-eating..."
Then Wario climbed into the ring, picked up the still-announcing Koopa Kid, and threw him offstage, this time for good.
"Yaaaaargh!" Morton screamed again, as he disappeared like a star twinkling.
Bowser took the microphone and finished Morton's announcement. "Ladies and gentletoads! The mindless Mario Bros.!"
"BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" the Toads, still under the effects of Koopa TV's hypnosis, hissed. Iggy and Lemmy rang the bell again, this time to signal the start of the match.
Bowser got back out of the ring, then pushed Mario into it. "Oh yeah, I shall be commentating this match... SO DON'T TRY TO WIN!!" He turned to Bowser Jr. and the rest of the Koopalings, just as Morton returned again, more damaged than before. "C'mon kids, let's go make television history as the most corrupt commentators!"
Mario looked at Wario. "Leapin' lasagna! Luigi, I can't-a-beat Wario in a wrestling match-a!"
Wario extended his right hand.
"It's all right-a!" Luigi said from outside the ring. "He wants-a-to shake hands-a!"
Mario turned to face Wario. "Hey, let's-a-be pals-a! You're-a-my kind of theif-a!"
But no sooner did Mario take his opponent's hand than Wario picked the plumber up and started spinning him above his head. Luigi watched, not knowing what to do. As he was doing so, Waluigi snuck up behind him.
Bowser laughed from his commentator's box. "Ha ha ha! Wario has Mario, and now Waluigi will have Luigi!"
Hearing Bowser's line, Mario saw the green-hater coming up. "Luigi! Watch out!"
But it was too late. Waluigi flipped Luigi in the ring. Luigi bounced off the ropes while Wario continued to spin Mario. Then Wario threw Mario at the ropes, and the red-dressed plumber joined his younger brother in bouncing around the arena. The Mario Bros. finally smashed into each other so painfully that they felt as though their hats and shirts were switching colors, and then fell to the canvas.
Unfortunately, before they could get up, Wario butt-slammed onto Mario, and Waluigi sat on Luigi.
"Yiiieeeeee!" Luigi squealed. His squeal was so loud that it caught the ears of everyone near Toad Town. And that included Peach, Daisy, Toadsworth, and Yoshi.
"Did you hear a squeal?" Peach asked.
"Yes..." Daisy answered. "And it sounded like Luigi! He must be in trouble!"
"And Mario may be, too!" Yoshi said.
Wario and Waluigi still had Mario and Luigi pinned to the mat when the princesses, the butler, and the dinosaur broke through the crowd of Toads and looked at the problem.
"I don't-a-see how those-a-wrestlers in cartoons do this without-a-getting hurt-a!" Mario said, collapsing under Wario's weight. "I'm-a-bruised everywhere!"
"The same goes-a-for me," Luigi agreed. "Only I'm-a-bruised everywhere, twice!"
"Oh!" Peach gasped. "This is terrible!"
"I don't think it will be hard at all to declare the winners of this match!" Bowser Jr. commentated.
"I recognize that voice!" Peach told the others. Peach and Daisy ran up to the Koopas' box, and Toadsworth followed on Yoshi's back.
"Ah, Princess Peach Toadstool!" Bowser said. "I should have expected you."
"So this was your plan!" Peach pointed one of her satin-gloved fingers at Bowser. "You gave everyone television so you could turn them against the Mario Bros.!"
"You got that right, 'mama'!" Bowser Jr. taunted.
"And now we're gonna get rid of you!" Larry Koopa added, then called to some nearby Clubbas. "Guards! Take these pests away!"
The Clubbas poked the girls and Yoshi with their staffs. "I say!" Toadsworth said. "Let us go!"
"You heard the butler!" Peach shouted at Bowser. "Turn us loose!"
"No can do, my dear!" Bowser laughed. "You might hurt our ratings!"
But Peach and Daisy were prepared. They thrust their elbows at the Clubbas' chests, knocking them out. Then Yoshi slurped the Clubbas up with his tongue.
"That'll teach those roughians not to harm the Princess!" Toadsworth smirked.
"This isn't over yet!" Peach said. "We have to save the Mario Bros.! But how?"
Toadsworth got off of Yoshi's back, and they ran over to the humongous TV, where Mario and Luigi were still trying to get out from under the Warios.
Toadsworth looked up at the ceiling, and then a lightbulb appeared over his head. "I think I may have an idea. This stage is made out of blocks. There may be Power-Ups in them!"
"But how do we get up there?" Daisy asked.
"Say no more!" Yoshi answered. "Get on my back!"
Peach and Daisy got onto Yoshi's saddle, and they jumped into the arena.
"Good luck!" Toadsworth called.
Bowser was still commentating on the match. "Well, it's my great honor to say that the winners are..." He was suddenly cut off by the sight of Peach, Daisy, and Yoshi jumping into the ring. "Yikes! Princess Toadstool and Princess Daisy of Sarasaland have entered the fight! And they're riding a Yoshi!" Bowser got out of his box and shouted to his kids. "C'mon! We can't let those princesses save their plumber paramours!"
Bowser and his eight kids climbed into the stage. Bowser Jr. reached out to grab Yoshi, but he was too late. Yoshi jumped up, taking Peach and Daisy with him.
"Now!" he signalled. Peach jumped off of Yoshi's back and bashed a Block in the ceiling structure. Out fell a hundred Coins. Wario and Waluigi caught sight of the Coins, got up off of Mario and Luigi's backs, and ran over to collect them.
"You idiots!" Bowser shouted. "Well, if the Warios aren't gonna outsmart the Marios, I will!"
As Bowser tried to perform a Bowser Bomb on the scrambling Mario Bros., Yoshi jumped up again, and this time Daisy performed a boosted jump from his back. She hit a Block which contained a Cape Feather. Luigi saw the Cape Feather floating down, jumped up and grabbed it, transforming into Caped Luigi. Then Yoshi jumped one more time, and boosted Peach into a high jump again. She destroyed a Block that contained another Cape Feather.
Bowser saw the Feather floating down. "Quick!" he said to his kids. "We musn't let that Feather fall into good hands!"
The Koopas stretched out their hands, trying to catch the Feather. Bowser was about to stop it, but before he could, Mario jumped on him and caught the Feather, changing into Caped Mario.
Bowser was about to swear when Mario and Luigi executed their whirlwind attacks. Their capes created enough force to create real whirlwinds. The whirlwinds scooped up Bowser, the Koopalings, Wario, and Waluigi, and then it smashed them into the ceiling. Then, all the villains fell back down onto the canvas. Finally, Mario and Luigi butt-stomped their weakened rivals.
Toadsworth hit the mat with his staff, counting. "1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10! And the winners are... the Mario Bros.!"
Instantly, all of the Toads snapped out of their trances. "Oooh, what happened?" asked Russ T.
Peach took the microphone. "Attention, everyone! Bowser tricked you all with television so that you'd turn against Mario and Luigi."
Bowser stood up and grabbed the microphone from her. "Oh no you don't, Princess! This is a dinosaur-sized misunderstanding! Any events and situations involving wrestling plumbers depicted on Koopa--I mean, Apook TV, are purely fictional."
"Forget it!" Professor E. Gadd said. "I'm going home to throw out my Koopa TV!"
"Yeah!" Rowf agreed, and so did all the Toads.
Bowser looked at the leaving Toads. "Oh, it seems Koopa TV's fall lineup has been cancelled."
"Hey!" Wario came up, accompanied by Waluigi. Wario's arms was now bandaged, and Waluigi had a leg cast. "Bowser, your plan really stunk-a! You told us we'd-a-be able tuh beat da Marios-a!"
"Instead, they spun-a-circles around us-a!" shouted Waluigi.
"Look," Bowser pleaded, "I promise that next time, I'll provide power-ups for you, so that the Marios won't be able to defeat you."
"Forget it!" Wario said, as he and Waluigi got back in their plane. "Don't ever expect us to help-a-you in your evil schemes again!" And with that, the greedy brothers flew back home to Wario Castle.
Around the back of the giant TV, Mario and Luigi were congratulating Peach and Daisy for a job well done.
"Thanks-a-for saving us, ladies!" Mario said.
Toadsworth got in front of Peach. "Yes, well, don't forget that I'm the one who noticed that the stage was made of Blocks."
"Don't mention it, Mario!" Peach shook Mario's hand, ignoring her butler. "Thanks to Daisy and me, the Koopas and the Wario Bros. finally gave everyone a show worth watching!"
"It's not over yet-a!" Luigi said. "Look-a!"
Yoshi was eating the giant TV block by block, going "Yum!" as he slurped up each one.
Bowser and the Koopalings ran up. "Time out!" Bowser yelled. "Halt! Cease and desist! STOP!!"
Yoshi ate one more Block, and the ceiling started to collapse.
"OH NO!!!" Bowser screamed in terror.
The structure fell down on the Koopa family. They popped their heads out of the wreckage, getting stuck halfway through.
Yoshi looked at them. "Oh, I'm sorry! You stay, and I'll get you out, okay?" He slurped up a Block that was bigger than his head. "Yum!" he said, swallowing it.
"Could you maybe eat a little faster?" Bowser asked, tapping his finger.
So there you have it, a game-based "Rock TV". Next time I turn a Mario cartoon episode into a fanfic, it WILL be "Send in the Clown". Honest. Oh, and Merry Christmas, everybody!