Chapter One--In Which Hermione Goes Medieval on Everyone's Butts

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco were sitting in the Gryffindor common room for no apparent reason. They were bored, and Dumbledore was dead. Now they had to find a new headmaster!

Technically, Professor McGonagall was supposed to be headmistress, but she quit teaching to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a pro wrestler. Her name is 'Professor McCrusher' now.

"I'll be headmaster!" yelled Gilderoy Lockhart. Fawkes the phoenix flew through the window and ate him. Everyone celebrated.

"Yay! Lockhart's dead!" Ron said. A banana peel hit him on the head. "Hey, a banana peel hit me on the head!" He screamed.

Draco turned into a cat. "Well dang," said Draco.

Hermione screamed, "I'll be headmistress!" She scooped up Draco and climbed onto the Headmistress Throne that magically appeared. "Now, you have to put on a play for me."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Now ACT!" Hermione conjured up a scepter with a golden welding torch at the end of it.

So the whole Gryffindor house tried putting on a production of Cinderella for Hermione. To make a long story short, they sucked. Hermione threw Draco at Ron.

"AAAHHH!!" said Draco just before he smacked into Ron's noggin.

"Hehe. Noggin. That's a fun word." Harry laughed.

"Stoppit!" Hermione threw Draco at Harry.

"Hey! Stop throwing me at people!" Draco said.

Hermione threw Draco at a wall. Draco was now unconscious many times over.

Just then, Hagrid came bursting in. "Where're me muffins!? I left 'em in this here classroom, but they're no' in me hut."

A loud burp came from the boy's dorm, and Neville came down the steps, dropping muffin crumbs everywhere. "Too late."

Fawkes flew through the window again and ate Hagrid.

"We have GOT to do something about that guy," said Harry. Hermione threw Draco at him. "Stop throwing Draco at me!" Harry yelled. Hermione picked up Colin Creevey and threw him at the wall. Colin took a picture of the brick just before he smashed through it, landing in the lake.

"Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeperrrsss!" Everyone heard Colin yell, followed closely by a humongous splash. A tidal wave engulfed the school, and the Gryffindors had to stand on Hermione's throne to keep dry.

Draco was on Hermione's head. He was awake now, and screamed as Hermione picked him up and hurled him at the chandelier.

"This is MY throne, now everybody off!" She yelled. Ron pushed her off of the throne into 100-foot deep water.

But luckily, Hermione was an avid subscriber to Bungee Cords Weekly (All Bungee Cords, All the Time), so she bungeed back up and slammed into the ceiling. "Ow," she said weakly, before dropping back onto the throne.

"Ha ha," Ron laughed as Hermione picked herself up from the seat of the throne and a screaming cat dropped on her head, along with a chunk of plaster.

Hermione threw Draco at him.